DH cross I have questioned bank statement

[bank100]

Name changed for this.

DH and I have a joint current account that we both use for pretty much everything. DH is generally the one to keep an eye on our account and look out for any error transactions.

Today I had a good look through the Dec transactions as I noticed the balance was lower that usual. We are expecting a baby next month and was hoping the balance would look a bit healthier. I made a list of things I hadn't realised we were spending on. Including £100 he'd spent at various pubs (after work drinks), £100 cash withdrawn for imo no reason, £50+ at a sports venue, £70 on another hobby & numerous starbucks etc.

His reaction to me questioning these things was to grab my list, shout that he earns most of the money so he's allowed to spend on whatever he wants. He then tried to find things I had spent on... literally couldn't, I don't spend much on myself. There was one cheap beauty appointment. So was IBU for questioning this, or is he being U for being so cross? I feel weird about it.

Lulualla
We dont know that they save money. If they only have one child it's unlikely that school wraparound is more than her hourly wage, they may be worse off compared to her working full time.

he saves four hundred a month,

THEY save four hundred a month, HER money goes into it too. Why are people acting like she doesn't contribute to her own joint account?

@Bluntness100, you seem to have some mental block about how things work. If op was not putting her own salary into the joint account, her dh would be worse off. Her dh is not funding their savings all by himself - they are joint.

If her dh had to outsource looking after his dc, he would be a lot worse off. And in the meantime, op can’t fund her pension as much as she would if working, may not move up the career ladder as quickly as she would if she had stayed FT - these are sacrifices that many, many women make when they have dc.

they are joint sacrifices - op’s h should pay because her sacrifices facilitate him to carry on with his career.

But here the op is asking if she can ask her op about his spending without him shouting at her, then getting defensive! And of course the answer is YES she can!

I would suggest a joint account for bills which you pay into in accordance with your income (so sounds like once you go back to work it's 2/3 for him and 1/3 for you) and you then keep the rest in a sole account. Then you can spend or save what you like and ditto for him.

Or you can decide that you will have the same amount left over and pay the rest into the joint account. For example you both get £400 "pocket money" and everything else goes into the joint account for bills/childcare etc.

Saphfire
Because if she is working part time & earning less she may not be contributing 50% of their household bills, even allowing for her contribution in the form of childcare savings.

He decided this target and i'm all for it.

Do you think he thinks most of the savings are his we well OP?

You are talking about 320! It would depend on how much that is in relation to earnings. It was Christmas. Everyone spends a bit more in December. Unless it was the rent/ mortgage money then it is not a big deal. Everyone should be allowed have a bit of fun

Olivertwistwantsmore
if her DH had to outsource looking after his DC he would be a lot worse off

Not necessarily. It really depends what their bills are and what OP could earn working full time. Lots of people earn quite a bit more than the childcare costs, so it could be that by working part time, with her DH having to contribute a much higher share of household bills than her, he may be worse off than if she worked, paid 50% of bills and they pair childcare.

He is usually the one to check our account and keep an eye on it.

and does he query every single purchase you make? Or, equally, do you feel the need to tell him about every single purchase you make, so he can't query it?

It's not "very controlling" (or even a little bit controlling) to keep an eye on finances or to question expenditure that hasn't been agreed (whether that's agreed as a specific expense or agreed as an allowance you can do as you please with) if you have a budget that isn't being met.

OP it is just one month and, more to the point, just one conversation where he may have been caught on the hop and feeling a little defensive. His response, that he earns it so he can spend it, is worrying given your financial sacrifice for the family and the more financially vulnerable position you are in because of it. But he may not really have meant it. You should sit down with him again in a few days and talk about finances in a calm way. If he really does think he has more right to the money than you then plan on going back to work full time as soon as possible and start prioritising your career. Let him take the strain you've been keeping from him. You don't want to be that vulnerable with someone who thinks like that.

Olivertwistwantsmore

The sensible thing financially would be for OP to work FT and pay childcare. Even if it costs the family a little or brings in little over the cost of childcare for a year or two, the career benefits are worth it in the long run for most.

If it's a joint account you have a right to know what the money is being spent on, regardless of who earns the most. Marriage is a partnership.

You learned something important about him that is likely to affect your relationship in the future.
I'm very sorry.

God I hate the whole it's family money now shite, it's always always only spouted when the man is the higher earner.

What a load of rubbish. I earned more than my DH for years, but considered all the money belonged to both of us equally.

I agree that in light of the revelation on how your DH views your respective financial contributions you should consider a return to full time work, with him not only paying half the childcare costs but doing half the childcare (pick ups, drop offs, baths, homework etc.) outside working hours.
Always best to keep your financial independence.

As to the set up described by NoIdon'twatch I feel uneasy as to how equitable this situation really is. I can't quite articulate why, but possibly because I suspect you will be doing much more than 50% of the childcare and if he's paying you 50% of what a childminder is charging that would equate to what? 20 hours per week?Are you looking after multiple other children for pay at the same time, entitled to paid annual leave and able to offset your heating and laundry costs against your tax bill? I don't think you're getting as fair a deal as you think you are.

Reading this thread makes my life seem simple. I worked 11 years full time before having our dd and I’m pregnant again with our second and final child.
I look after her full time, she was breastfed for a year and I plan the same with baby number two.
We have separate accounts because we just haven’t bothered to get a joint. Dp is the earner he pays all the bills with what he earns. Anything left over is used for whatever we need as a family.
He considers the money ours, neither of us would spend money of significance without mentioning it to the other.
Once kids are older I will be going back to some form of work and again all money will be used as family money. I will be happy to earn again, take the pressure off and be able to treat dp like I used too.
If he resented me being at home then it would be a different story, but he wants me to be with the kids and we work as a team.

Ohamireally

This is only when I am on maternity leave. When I return to work, he does morning drop off, i collect in the evening- this is equitable. He is helpful with the children & housework when not at work.

What he transfers to me (perhaps pay is a confusing term) is what he would have to pay a childminder for his share of childcare, not what I would earn as a childminder eg with annual leave etc. It is not really about me "being paid" as a childminder, I am not one, I have no qualifications. I am a mother. It is simply a useful illustration that if I had not saved up, me choosing to be off work rather than using childcare would make DH much worse off, as he would have to pay a lot of the bills which i wouldn't be paying my share of. Me choosing to be off is a poor financial decision so i fund it rather than expecting him to fund me, his transfer to me reflects that me being off saves him his half of the childcare cost.

This is because I wanted to have a year off work. That is my choice. All our savings are pooled in the long term so it doesn't really matter.

Ohamireally

Does it reassure you to know DH & I earn about the same? Our mortgage etc being based on my high salary, it simply would not be fair for me to impoverish my DH by indulgently insisting on a year off work, much of which is on only statutory maternity pay. He can afford the childcare cost for his child, he cannot afford to pay my share of our large mortgage.

I think perhaps our situation is easy because we have surplus income and all the savings are joint money in the long term. The separation of our incomes is really about how we manage our current accounts and means no scrutiny over how we each spend the money we earn.

won't prepare their lunch boxes, PE kits, World Book Day costumes etc., won't arrange the playdates, birthday parties, after school clubs, medical appointments etc, won't get up in the middle of the night to care for a sick child etc.

Who do you think does that in a 2 adult working household? The fairies?

But then there is no impact to the op’s career which has worried some posters. Sure, it comes at a cost but her career would go on unaffected.

😂😂😂

Oh, now that’s funny.

Interesting

I am the earner in our household - DH moved to be with me and isn't currently employed.

We have a joint account. The money belongs to both and either of us can spend it, once the bills are paid.

However, if he started questioning my spending for December (not just a vague clarification-type question, but a written list of my spending!) I would be furious.

It is not a given he’d earn the same at all if he had to rely on a childminder. He’d have to drop them in the morning and leave work on time. I’m a high earner, looking at a job which would involve travel. I couldn’t do it with just a childminder. I could do it as a single parent by either paying a nanny significantly more than the average U.K. salary to do overnights, or by telling work my travel is very limited to the contact time my ex can take them. I’d still have to know and manage everything about my children’s life. Without a supportive spouse my job options would be more limited- a supportive spouse is a completely different story from a childminder in terms of enabling career and income.

It’s not so much the spending thats the problem but what he said. I couldn’t handle that in my marriage, would have to talk about how we handle money, and once baby is 6 months does he want to pay me a salary to stay home or does he want to go part time and I go full time so I can scream at him that it’s my money?

Presenting someone with a list of their 'misdeeds' is very different to a general query - 'we don't seem to have the usual amount we have for savings this month - should we have a look and see if there's somewhere we should cut back?'

I didn't realise he thinks he has more right to the money than I do or we do as a family

That isn’t what he’s saying though. He’s pissed off because you’re criticising him for spending the money he earns. Like Bluntness, I’d tell my husband where to get off if he tried this. Never will though because we have separate finances and always have.

For me, it would depend on what the deficit is. Are we talking £200 or £1000? What is the impact on your future, the baby etc? Will you struggle or not?