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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about friend's daughter coming along

302 replies

Misscromwellrocks · 07/01/2020 13:36

I have a weekend in Paris booked in March with a few old uni friends. It's the first time in years that we've all gone away together.

One friend has now announced that her 18 year old daughter will be coming along. Most of us haven't seen this girl since she was about 12 and in any event this is meant to be a meet up of old friends.

I've only spoken to one other member of the group since we heard about this, and she's annoyed too.

WWBU to contact friend and try to tactfully dissuade her? I don't want to cause a row or hurt anyone's feelings.

OP posts:
Arthritica · 07/01/2020 16:06

I think those WhatsApp messages are good - not causing a fight but making it clear the rest of you are sticking to your original plans.

People can be so obtuse about bringing kids/husbands. It totally messes up the atmosphere.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 07/01/2020 16:07

YANBU. A friend has a teenage daughter of about 15 who sometimes likes to come and sit with us to chat when we’re having on of our periodic “Stay in, drink wine and eat cheese” evenings, and daughter is coming on a theatre trip with us later on this year, but friend always asks if we mind daughter joining us. It’s bad manners of your friend to have invited someone else without asking first.

BloggersBlog · 07/01/2020 16:09

I think you watered it down a bit with your comment, especially adding the smile. Made it seems like it was all good fun and "whatever Grin" rather than "we are not going sightseeing and see you at the meal" from your friend

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 07/01/2020 16:15

The smart replies are all well and good but someone needs to be direct. "Hang on, Friend, that wasn't the plan. This is a uni reunion. No-one is bringing plus ones. Now are you in or out?"

unlikelytobe · 07/01/2020 16:16

I'm dying to know what your friend's response will be to both of those messages! Will she wake up and smell the coffee?

She's probably already booked and paid for DD as she presumes she's welcome. Is the DD the independent type who can go off exploring Paris on her own whilst her mum gets reunion time? If not, you're stuck with her if said friend won't take the hints or friend will be having a mainly separate experience to the rest of you - her choice. She should have checked first.

lunar1 · 07/01/2020 16:16

I don't know why you would want the extra person there for the meal. I'd be really unhappy to pay for a trip like this to have someone added which completely changes the dynamics. It's not about the age, it's the history.

Oblomov20 · 07/01/2020 16:19

Op:

"We're hoping we've made it clear that we will not be coming on any sightseeing trips or expecting the daughter to be with us very much and that, for the main meal out of the trip we will mot be modifying our conversation to suit an uninvited teenager."

How have you made that clear at all?
You haven't. Your messages are wishy washy and meaningless.

Why don't you Copy and paste some pp's messages? they have expressed it perfectly.

I think you need to grow a pair of bollocks and just copy and paste some of the things I've been suggested on this thread.

and just tell her. do yourself a favour and do everyone else a favour as well.

you seem to be afraid of of telling her/ of taking a firm hand here?

ChickenyChick · 07/01/2020 16:27

sorry but it all seems a bit meanspirited

What is the problem really?

If they are easygoing people, they simply might not see the problem ( I don't see it being an issue myself TBH). With these sort of weekends, do you have to do everything "as a group"? personally I find that very restrictive Grin

I would dip in and out, meet up for lunch, do your own thing (or with one or more of the group) then meet up again for drinks later, those who like opera do that, those who like bar hopping do that, and always someone who likes an early bed, also fine

It's easy to slot a grown up daughter in a flexible set up like that. I do weekends away with friends like this and would not mind if one of them brought their kid, I'd assume there were reasons and not a problem

I just don't see the issue Confused

BluebellCockleshell123 · 07/01/2020 16:28

A friend of mine has 17 & 19 yr old daughters who are great fun and happy to hang out with the oldies for a few drinks (esp if we’re paying!). I love their company and their chat.

However - that’s just when we’re in the house or a local pub. She would never bring them on an organised adult trip away without asking! We usually go with all kids or no kids for trips away.

SecretMillionaire · 07/01/2020 16:30

She’s been rude and presumptive. I’m sure her dd is pleasant but the dynamic will be completely different.

I wouldn’t be tying myself in knots over this and paying for a weekend I couldn’t enjoy. I’d be sending a message much along the lines of what myimaginerycathasfleas said.

HollowTalk · 07/01/2020 16:31

The smart replies are all well and good but someone needs to be direct. "Hang on, Friend, that wasn't the plan. This is a uni reunion. No-one is bringing plus ones. Now are you in or out?"

Exactly this.

Howyiz · 07/01/2020 16:32

@ChickenyChick if someone came on a weekend with you and decided that they were going to spend All their time with you, without asking you, would that be acceptable to you?

Original poster
Misscromwellrocks · 07/01/2020 16:34

The mum has messaged back 'yes count me in for dinner on Sat. DD happy to eat at the hotel. Won't want to listen to us banging on lol'.

So hopefully she's copped on.

OP posts:
cstaff · 07/01/2020 16:34

I think the fact that you haven't had a weekend away with this group for years makes it particularly bad form for that mum to bring her daughter. I would be so unimpressed with her.

We had a similar situation recently where we organised a weekend away for my mum which included my mum, me, my sis, my 2 SILs and one niece who is in her twenties. Another niece who is only 15 tried to wangle her way in and nobody (especially her mum) were having any of it. Her mum was looking forward to a weekend away without her kids i.e. a proper break. The teen was not impressed but tough and that is how it should be.

cstaff · 07/01/2020 16:35

Sounds like she has got the hint and hopefully wont try to pull that stunt again.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 07/01/2020 16:35

It's easy to slot a grown up daughter in a flexible set up like that.

I don’t think it was intended as a “flexible set up”, it was intended as a group of old friends having a reunion, having been planned in advance as such, and seen as a special occasion because - as the OP says - it’s the first time in years they’ve been able to do this. It might not be your thing, but it would seem the intention was to spend the weekend together.

And then one person unilaterally decides to change the dynamic of the whole weekend, without checking with any of the others first. That’s the issue.

Intensicle · 07/01/2020 16:37

Good result.

dorisdog · 07/01/2020 16:41

Up to you, but I wouldn't say anything. She's 18, not a child. She'll be bored to tears by all your stories anyway and probably be messaging her friends while you're all chatting. What could you possibly say to her that wouldn't be hurtful?

HollowTalk · 07/01/2020 16:43

She's not a child, but she's not really an adult either - her mum's friends won't want to talk about their war stories in front of her.

stevenage42 · 07/01/2020 16:44

Sounds like you've made your point. It was very rude of your friend. What about private messaging her to find out what the story really is with fake-ish concern

"Hey friend, is everything ok with you and daughter? Thought it was strange that you've booked her a flight /room on our trip without mentioning it to us previously? Seems a bit odd as we weren't planning on bringing kids. Just checking that all is ok?

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 07/01/2020 16:44

So you've all planned a committed to a trip away, and one of your friends is now only coming for a couple of hours on one night?

Sorry but I don't believe this, given that she's already gone against the group once, she'll probably see no shame in texting you all the time when you're away, trying to find out where you are, trying to arrange meeting up in the day etc. She wants to have her cake and eat it, otherwise she'd take her daughter to Paris another time.

I'd be careful if I were you. And I don't think your messages accurately convey what you're saying on here.

katy1213 · 07/01/2020 16:49

If she has already booked and paid, there's not much you can do. But I certainly wouldn't be accommodating any expectations that you traipse up the Eiffel Tower or whatever - been there, done that, and this was planned as a grown-up weekend just hanging out. Also, what 18-year-old wants to hang out in Paris with her mum's middle-aged friends? She sounds like a real drip!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/01/2020 16:50

Sounds like the message has been received loud and clear.

Good result all round. Have a lovely weekend!

Divebar · 07/01/2020 17:01

Pretty shit trip for the 18 year old too having to sit and eat dinner on her own in a hotel.

SerendipityJane · 07/01/2020 17:03

The mum has messaged back 'yes count me in for dinner on Sat. DD happy to eat at the hotel. Won't want to listen to us banging on lol'. [] So hopefully she's copped on.

Let's hope there aren't any more "last minute" changes to that plan ...