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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect to have sex and some degree of happiness 2 years into a marriage?

28 replies

yankey · 28/08/2007 14:13

I think my problems come from the fact that although I had a big crush on my dh I dont think I ever 'fell for him'. I wanted a family and so did he in the end we decided to make a go of it...get married and have a baby. We haven't had sex since I was pregnant (nearly 2 years ago now). This is entirely the choice of my dh, he never was that fussed (complete opposite of me), then he said it was becasue I was pregnant, then it just slipped out of discussions. I got a couple glances recently by an attractive man (friend of ours) and this has sent my mind wandering. I knew I was unhappy before but not I am thinking, where do we go from here? How will I make this work? Do I get to be happy? Do I need to be head of heals in love with him, because I am not and don't think I ever was. Thing is I don't want to a single parent famiy I grew up in one and they are pretty tough (mainly financially). Can anyone save me from feeling quite so down today?

OP posts:

alicet · 28/08/2007 14:28

How sad that you have found yourself in this situation. Big virtual hugs to you.

I think you need to discuss this with your dh NOW as the longer you leave it the more of an issue this will become. You need to find together a way that you can live together and be happy for the sake of you both and your dc. Assuming this is what you want as you say you don't want to be a single parent family - if it has already gone beyond that I think you need to leave him rather than cheat with another man especially a friend of the family. Maybe it would be a good idea to get relationship counselling together if your dh would agree to this.

I would strongly advise NOT cheating on your dh with this other man. That will make everything a million times worse for all of you. You need to decide whether what you have is worth fighting for and either fight for it or leave. DO you have family or friends who could help if you decided enough is enough?

Good luck whatever you decide....

battlestar · 28/08/2007 14:31

you dont need to be head ofver heels in lov ewith your dh to make a go of your marriage.
but you do need your needs seeing to.
he may not want sex much, but surely evenhe can manage once a month. just to keep you happy.
male attentionis wonderful. let him see you getting it elsewhere, but dont be fooled into thinking it will sort your problems out for you, or that therie will be anight in shining armoru waiting to take you awya from all your problems. wont happen.
if you wan tsex, make it happen. lots of people can giv eadvice, but only you canmake it happen.

Original poster

yankey · 28/08/2007 16:08

Thanks. I guess I was trying to justify having an affair but dont really see how that will make me happy in the long run. I also think that knowing that my knight in shining armour hasn't and quite possibly wont show up is quite depressing. Am I the only person in a marriage like this? Would like to think I am not alone.

OP posts:

alicet · 28/08/2007 16:14

Have to say I did find my knight in shining armour but I count myself as very lucky. And even in spite of that our relationship is very mundane at times since we had ds. We try like mad to make special time for each other but its not easy when you're always knackered and trying to juggle work, children and everything else. Could probably count the number of times we have had sex since the beginning of the year on both hands too and that includes a couple of fairly 'active' weeks trying for ds2!!!

So I think what I'm trying to say is that its easy to think everyone else has it easy when you're looking from the outside but in reality relationships take a lot of work. Obviously this is easier when you love the person with your whole heart. But you obviously felt strongly enough about your dh to marry him and have his baby even if he wasn't the love of your life. So try to remember what those things were. And please please talk to him and tell him how you feel - chances are he has been struggling too and will welcome the chance to make things better between you both.

Original poster

yankey · 28/08/2007 16:35

To be honest I feel like everyone else did find and marry their knights and I am the only one who didn't and I feel quite sad about this... I think my dh may feel the same too. But we have a lovely home and a beautiful dd and we are a good mum and dad. I just wish we would have fallen and then maybe it wouldn't all need to be such hard work as the thought of living without any passion forever is just sad.

OP posts:

doggiesayswoof · 28/08/2007 16:43

Well, me and my dh really fell for each other in a big way and a few years down the line it is no picnic. We do still fancy each other and make the effort, but there's a lot of mundanity too.

I guess what I am trying to say is that the knight in shining armour thing is bollocks - so try and see what you could have together rather than what you can't have, IYSWIM

doggiesayswoof · 28/08/2007 16:45

Have to say though I think his complete lack of interest in sex is worrying. Does he know you feel like this? Maybe he assumes you are happy without sex too. you need to talk.

clumsymum · 28/08/2007 16:46

can we go back to first principles?

O.K., you don't have sex, but what do you do together. Put sex to one side for a few moments, lets see what you have in common to build on, as a couple.

Original poster

yankey · 28/08/2007 16:55

We enjoy going out together...or use to. We use to run together too but since we don't get much sleep these things are on the back burner (and have little one to look after). We are often quite silly together which I love and i think we have similar values...want the same things out of life, a nice little family who do things together.

DSW - thanks that makes me feel a bit better. the sex thng is an issue but I have found a dvd before which isn't gay porn - so thats a relief...i think?/.

OP posts:

clumsymum · 28/08/2007 17:04

Well Yankey,
"We are often quite silly together which I love and i think we have similar values...want the same things out of life, a nice little family who do things together. "

You are already a lot better off than several couples I know, who teamed up in the throes of lust, and now that has burned out have absolutely NOTHING together.

When you are laughing together, do you ever show your dh any signs of affection? Does he to you? Here a laugh together often ends with a kiss, or a hug.

If there is affection between you, then you should surely be able to talk? And from talking move forward.

Original poster

yankey · 28/08/2007 17:11

thanks clumsymum that also makes me feel better. I try but it often feels like i am trying and we both end up feeling a bit awkward iykwim. dh sometimes shows affection but it is rare. although we always cuddle in bed... but thats all. My dh is very much aware that I am unhappy about our sex life I use to complain we didnt have enough before pregnancy I use to ask during but since the birth i have got bored of asking and feel unsexy knowing he thought the pregnancy was weird...he couldnt touch my stomach when pregnant etc.

OP posts:

alicet · 28/08/2007 17:19

yenkey it sounds like you have a pretty good relationship a lot of the time worth fighting for. Particularly laughing and being silly together and wanting the same things out of life. Talk to him - I'm sure he is feeling dissatisfied too even if its for different reasons. ITs rare for one person to be unhappy like you and the other to be totally oblivious.

BarbieGirl · 28/08/2007 17:23

It's a tricky one. You sound like a great couple but the sex thing is obviously an issue, you shouldn't have to spend the rest of your marriage without sex, especially as you are still so young.

I would have to ask him outright what his problem is - why doesn't he want sex. Is he stressed at work or something? Stress definately kills your sex drive (I know). Do you think he might fancy someone else? (sorry, no offence, but could he)?

You need to talk now.

clumsymum · 28/08/2007 17:27

Yankey
Delicate question.

Your dh isn't impotent is he? Does he get morning erections?

Could there be a problem there that he is covering up as a lack of desire because he can't talk to you about it?

Original poster

yankey · 28/08/2007 17:27

I have asked him but he says he just doesn't have a very strong sex drive(and it was the pregnancy, then our daughter was in our room)..it has never been that great or often. I kind of always had/have to nag - which is no doubt a real turn on . But i think a lot of it is just easy excuses...

OP posts:

BarbieGirl · 28/08/2007 17:31

yankey - Does he suffer with depression. I only ask as being depressed can kill your sex drive too.

clumsymum · 28/08/2007 17:35

Thats true Barbie. DH has suffered 2 bouts of depression during our 15 years, and sex went out the window both times. However, if you go out together, have giggly laughs, he gets up for work, copes with the day-to-day stresses OK, then it's unlikely to be depression.

More delicate stuff here Yankey.... have you ever tried ... erm... pleasuring yourself.... while he's there? Does he react?

Original poster

yankey · 28/08/2007 17:40

I don't think he is impotent I use to find a dvd of his (not hidden well) constantly out. I found this upsetting but I was pregant so knew I had no chance. I dont think he is depressed either although ..maybe he is? Surely I would know. We do often argue (the highs with the lows I'm afraid). His family are not affectionate people and his parents are in a non contact relationship I have made it clear that this is not normal or okay so I do wonder if it just inherent and he really just doesnt care for it? But if that were the case why the dvd??

OP posts:

Original poster

yankey · 28/08/2007 17:45

Clumsymum - No way! I have tried to be open to discuss what he might like but he doesn't seem to be comfortable talking about it either. His isn't the experimental type.

OP posts:

BarbieGirl · 28/08/2007 17:47

You poor thing yankey. You can't spend the rest of your life without sex - you are still too young.

Talk to him tonight and let us know what he says.

clumsymum · 28/08/2007 17:51

Yankey, I kind of meant perhaps when you might 'think he's asleep' or when he might accidentally walk in on you.

From what you say, it sounds like he may have some mighty big repression problems. Now that can be treated I believe, but he'd need to accept it first.

Original poster

yankey · 28/08/2007 17:57

Do you think so really? I would love to be able to fix this issue. My Mum (I know but I talk to her about everything) also thinks this, but how odd and would he really go on his own? I have said if things don't improve we need to get counselling but his new excuse is his weight...but he also says 'we will sort it out'. barbie as I only said this yesterday I dont want to bring it up again just yet.

OP posts:

clumsymum · 28/08/2007 18:22

I think he does need counselling, but I think you need to be gentle with him.

I don't think he would 'go on his own', I mean, would you?

Maybe the way to go with this is for you both to go to counselling, together. Eventually the point may be raised that he may have repression, and maybe some specific counselling may come from that. He does need to realise that a celebate relationship really isn't normal, and I suspect you need an independant third party to get that point across.

I've never been in your place, so I don't know how it works, but I think you should maybe try that approach.

Maybe you could take a trip to relate on your own first to find out if they can offer help (he doesn't need to know about your first trip, does he?)

BarbieGirl · 29/08/2007 17:39

yankey - did you talk to your bloke about the sex thing? If so, what did he say?

jooleybee · 30/08/2007 14:04

You are deinately not alone. This will be my fourth year without! I was forty this year so dealing with that aswell is very hard on your self esteem. It is such a shame isnt it sex is not the most important part of a relationship but it is still very important. The sad thing about it is that my husband keeps saying how he really wants another baby but I am not sure how he expects this to happen

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