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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I just walk out of here?

459 replies

Rayray118 · 06/01/2020 16:02

Okay, long story short I'm a writer who's been offered the exclusive use of a friends apartment abroad so I could spend two weeks writing. I dived on it of course. I've just begun a major project and will be enormously busy with my day job (I have one of those unfortunately!) for the rest of the spring and summer. Aside from weekends this is the only chunk of time I have to focus on this and if I don't get a decent 20,000 words written in these two weeks there's just no point in my being here.

20,000 words is easy going for two weeks and I left it at that as a plan because I wanted to spend a night or two at the weekends with my friend who owns the apartment. She lives about twenty minutes drive from here and lets out this apartment in short lets most of the year but of course in January it's quiet. I had expected, and made very clear, that I need solitude to write. I arrived here on Friday and so far solitude has been no part of this experience.

My friend stayed here Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. I really wasn't expecting her to stay last night and thought that was pushing it, so I reminded her that as I'd said I need solitude to write. She seemed rather shocked and appalled when I suggested that she come back next weekend and leave me on my own till then. This morning she came up with some bizarre excuse about needing to stay tonight also. To me it's just getting ridiculous at this stage. To clarify, she is not lonely, nor is there any other reason I can see why she'd be so inconsiderate. She knows exactly what I came here to do and why it's so important that I be left alone to do it. She lives twenty minutes away in a very large comfortable home with her husband. She is also in a very happy and loving marriage. It seems to me she's just wilfully oblivious to how important it is to me to be alone to undertake this task, however clear I was about it before I arrived.

I can imagine some people may think I've little to worry about but if I don't get this done in the next ten days I won't get it done before late summer. I am wondering to myself if I should just pack my bags and rent an Air BnB somewhere else while I've still got ten days left? I don't want to do anything to damage my friendship but I cannot say how important or irreplaceable this time is to me. I am also getting increasingly frustrated, another few days and I'll be extremely resentful - honestly this about the most boundary-less behaviour I've experienced in a long time!

Any opinions would be most welcome.

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 09/01/2020 20:04

I am blue in the face repeating that I told her

What did she reply? (I've had some boundary-less housemates in the past, so I'm interested.)

Vanhi · 09/01/2020 20:06

If OP returns and says she did ask the friend to leave, directly, after all, I stand corrected!

She's said it several times but then people come back with 'well if the friend didn't understand, you can't have done that'.

By her own admission, she 'spun a yarn' instead of telling her friend the truth.

FFS. Not that one again. The OP told her friend directly that she needed quiet. Friend just doesn't get what this means. OP then did spin her a yarn about her reasons for leaving because by that point, it was obvious the friend wasn't going to get it, and better to tell a white lie than lose the friendship.

As a writer, I do try to make myself clear. I worry that if people don't understand what I've put, it's my fault for not expressing myself properly. And then sometimes I think fuck it, it's them, they can't fucking read.

Ohyesiam · 09/01/2020 20:11

SaphfireRose you sound like you have a pointy stick up your arse.

SaphfireRose · 09/01/2020 20:12

You either tell a person straight that you expect them not to stay over or you don't. Telling her friend directly that she 'needed quiet', is ambiguous and says absolutely nothing. Just as I, and everyone else, has said.

SaphfireRose · 09/01/2020 20:13

@Ohyesiam You think I have, and not the OP? Really? Confused

AutumnCrow · 09/01/2020 20:19

I've realised that I'm dangling for the actual dialogue.

with previous housemate:

'I need absolute solitude, as I said previously.'

'Oooh! I know, let's get icecream!'

with my mother:

'I need absolute solitude, as I said previously.'

'Whatever do you mean?'

Vanhi · 09/01/2020 20:23

Just as I, and everyone else, has said.

Are you auditioning for a job with Dominic Cummings?

Dotcomma · 09/01/2020 21:05

Without the OP around we can only guess....

I reckon the friend is the sort of person who lets out her apartment with the intention of gate-crashing her guests holidays, invites herself round unannounced, nosy parker

She cannot be that thick to not understand boundries

HannaYeah · 09/01/2020 21:13

@SaphfireRose

Everyone?

Cotswolds10 · 09/01/2020 21:44

Oh OP, I’m sorry you feel driven away. I have absolutely loved this thread - not sure why but have been totally drawn to it, I think partly the issue, partly your writing style - and would have loved to know what eventually came of your dilemma but understand why you’ve left. I do hope you get your writing done and retain the friendship. Good luck with it all.

ByeMF · 09/01/2020 22:00

Blimey, some people do get a bit overinvested. Hope your writing goes well OP. Must say if anyone interrupts me when I'm deep thinking it's pretty impossible to get those ideas back.

ktp100 · 09/01/2020 22:14

@SaphfireRose Did I mention you? No.

Also, the only time OP said she lied to her friend was when she told her why she was leaving, to spare her friends feelings. She 'span a yarn' of why she had to leave, rather than saying she wanted to go. Hardly makes her the devil, does it?!!

KTheGrey · 09/01/2020 23:27

@Ohyesiam
@Vanhi
Crown Grin Crown GrinCrown Grin

MadamePewter · 09/01/2020 23:51

I think the OP has some issues that caused the friend to be anxious about leaving her alone in the flat.

JigsawsAreInPieces · 10/01/2020 00:16

I think the OP has some issues

Yup. 👍

Equanimitas · 10/01/2020 01:54

SaphfireRose, why do you have so much difficulty with the concept that it is perfectly possible for OP both to have told her friend she needed her out and, when that didn't work, to have spun a yarn to give herself a tactful exit? It really doesn't have to be either/or.

SaphfireRose · 10/01/2020 02:10

@Equanimitas Very simple. Logic and common sense. The OP's friend said she was staying another night. If the OP had told her friend that needing her out meant her not staying over at all. The friend would not have said she was staying over (without an argument between them) nor would the friend just happily and blissfully wave her away when she left. Because even if the OP told her friend "I don't want you staying over" - which, is the only way to be direct - and then spun a yard on leaving, things would still be awkward between the two on the OP leaving.

If her friend had been told 'I don't want you staying overnight' - the friend would have felt and acknowledged the awkwardness. No friend who is confronted with the direct "I mean I don't want you here, at all, not even staying the night" would just skip and whistle a happy tune when the OP finally left.

msflibble · 10/01/2020 07:02

@SaphfireRose I can't believe you're still writing paragraphs on this honestly. OP was honest from the get-go that she needed solitude. Friend didn't get it, and didn't take the gentle hint to leave when given. OP doesn't have time to waste for this project, so is leaving and had to fib about why to save the friendship. So what? Who wants to be fantastically blunt to someone they care about, who is so oblivious, and hurt their feelings or make them feel awful that they've wasted your time? I wouldn't. Easier to eff off somewhere else and pretend it all never happened. Lecturing OP about what she should have done is all very well when it's not you in her shoes, but not everyone is comfortable risking friendships with brutal directness.

PS I don't think telling someone you need quiet is particularly ambiguous ftr. Any thoughtful person would hear that and think oh shit I'd better give her some space. I certainly would, having lived for 18 months with a writer friend.

Pipandmum · 10/01/2020 07:13

I suspect there are problems in her marriage you know nothing about. There one thing her thinking she could spend time with you but why overnight in such cramped conditions? She's avoiding going home.

Golfcart · 10/01/2020 07:45

I don't think telling someone you need quiet is particularly ambiguous ftr

OP is long gone but it's an interesting point. This is indeed ambiguous. What does quiet mean? For how long? As the OP's friend said, "At night too??"

You really can't complain about not being understood if you don't use direct language.

Otherwise the AIBU is "I can't believe my friend doesn't pick up hints, AIBU to leave as I will never feel able to clarify the issue".

Equanimitas · 10/01/2020 08:47

No, neither logic nor common sense, Saphfire. It's pretty clear that having tried unsuccessfully to be direct when the problem first arise, OP is focusing on getting the hell out as peacefully as possible, has sort of resigned herself to the current situation, and therefore doesn't see the point in having a major fight beforehand.

Madhatterhouse · 10/01/2020 09:27

The irony of you insisting the OP needs to have the last word @SaphfireRose Grin

antisupermum · 10/01/2020 11:06

I hate when threads get derailed by picky, nasty people. I was really enjoying this thread and was looking forward to further updates about the OPs success in her new location etc, and the small few who stubbornly refuse to listen to reason have now made it so that the OP wont be adding further updates.

I see it time and time again on various threads and its incredibly frustrating! Can the trolls/ needlessly nasty twats just sod off?!

Golfcart · 10/01/2020 11:16

I see a thread as a helpful discussion and reflection for us all, once OP has got her advice of course.

This thread shows how one person's clear boundary and communication style feels like obfuscation or hinting to another person. We're all at different levels of comfort with bluntness, it seems.

I don't think OP is a troll, nor am I trolling her, but I'm trying to suggest that she and others see her situation really differently and this understanding might contribute to all of us improving our interpersonal skills. I've learned something about my fellow humans!

I didn't see what OP wrote to Saphfire but i was surprised to see a deleted message, so I guess the OP is the only one MN thinks has been rude?

I know what you mean though @antisupermum, is frustrating when you want to hear how the OP is getting on and the thread has moved to broader issues. I'm hoping she is just having a great calm focused time somewhere!

lottiegarbanzo · 10/01/2020 11:16

Agreed. It's as if some people are only capable of reading in two dimensions, not of adding or allowing for any depths of nuance, inference or context. Tedious.

Good luck OP.