Should I just walk out of here?

[Rayray118]

Okay, long story short I'm a writer who's been offered the exclusive use of a friends apartment abroad so I could spend two weeks writing. I dived on it of course. I've just begun a major project and will be enormously busy with my day job (I have one of those unfortunately!) for the rest of the spring and summer. Aside from weekends this is the only chunk of time I have to focus on this and if I don't get a decent 20,000 words written in these two weeks there's just no point in my being here.

20,000 words is easy going for two weeks and I left it at that as a plan because I wanted to spend a night or two at the weekends with my friend who owns the apartment. She lives about twenty minutes drive from here and lets out this apartment in short lets most of the year but of course in January it's quiet. I had expected, and made very clear, that I need solitude to write. I arrived here on Friday and so far solitude has been no part of this experience.

My friend stayed here Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. I really wasn't expecting her to stay last night and thought that was pushing it, so I reminded her that as I'd said I need solitude to write. She seemed rather shocked and appalled when I suggested that she come back next weekend and leave me on my own till then. This morning she came up with some bizarre excuse about needing to stay tonight also. To me it's just getting ridiculous at this stage. To clarify, she is not lonely, nor is there any other reason I can see why she'd be so inconsiderate. She knows exactly what I came here to do and why it's so important that I be left alone to do it. She lives twenty minutes away in a very large comfortable home with her husband. She is also in a very happy and loving marriage. It seems to me she's just wilfully oblivious to how important it is to me to be alone to undertake this task, however clear I was about it before I arrived.

I can imagine some people may think I've little to worry about but if I don't get this done in the next ten days I won't get it done before late summer. I am wondering to myself if I should just pack my bags and rent an Air BnB somewhere else while I've still got ten days left? I don't want to do anything to damage my friendship but I cannot say how important or irreplaceable this time is to me. I am also getting increasingly frustrated, another few days and I'll be extremely resentful - honestly this about the most boundary-less behaviour I've experienced in a long time!

Any opinions would be most welcome.

Have you told her you’re leaving?

@Rayray118
Any update? Have you managed to get any writing done?

@Horcrux Have you told her you’re leaving

I have of course, I wouldn’t just bolt. Not in these circumstances anyway. She’s not trying to be a pain, she just doesn’t have any kind of clear sense of what she’s doing.

I’m riven with guilt to be honest. I like her enormously, but I have just got to get some productive writing done fast. When I span a yarn and told her I was leaving she was very disappointed but said “Come back anytime! My home is your home!”

Good God Almighty...

Your home her home can i have a go!

sorry op it does sound a bit farcical-shes not taking the hint has she not metnioned anything else goingon like problems with her dh-or she just wanted to get away for a bit?

@GabsAlot No problems whatsoever on that front. I knew there weren’t, though I can understand why some people would wonder about it. No chance I’d stay away from my man for that length of time because a visitor was staying twenty mins up the road.

You just haven't been clear enough with her, even though you think you have. You needed to say on day 2 or 3 "this isn't working for me, I need complete solitude to write. I'm sorry I didn't make that clear enough. I'm moving out right now because I can't have any disturbances when I'm writing. I'm sorry we had crossed wires about this. Bye"

@Bifflepants I made that abundantly clear last Sunday (day 3) and twice since, though I shouldn’t have needed to since I’d made it perfectly clear before I arrived.

There’s no sense going on about it now anyway, I have my flights rerouted and my accommodation booked. It’s cost me close to £1000 and that’s before I factor in ground transport and the other minor expenses I’ll accrue during the coming week.

Thank you to everybody who’s commented on here these last couple of days, it was nice to have a bit of support in the form of online company! :)

Rayray118

Crikey, she must have a skin like a rhino. I hope you manage to catch up. It's been a weirdly fascinating and irritating thread to read. It has made me realise why I am not always making as much progress with my PhD. Even knowing I have something happening later in the day puts me off writing.

@Rayray118 OP; you say you have 'confronted her' numerous times, but what did you actually say to her? It seems like you are skirting around the issue and hoping she will take the hint. Unless you've said to her; "look, I meant I needed solitude, which means you not visiting here or staying the night". Unless you specified it (and you obviously didn't because if you did, she wouldn't have told you she is staying over - again), then you have not confronted her. Not at all.

You need to leave. Now. It is really that simple. Just do it. You posted asking for advice, and don't take it. So why post your OP at all?

Also, if she is sleeping over most nights on a mattress, her and her husband cannot be in a good place.

Crikey. That’s one hell of a “gift”. It would have been cheaper to book two weeks in a paid apartment. Your friend sounds nice but dim.

I am struggling to believe the amount of people, who think YABU. To me that smacks of poor boundaries.

When I span a yarn

@Bifflepants is right. You've just outed yourself as not being direct or honest with her when you 'confronted' her. So you spun her a story about why you were leaving? Instead of telling her??

You are like your friend, you don't get it, nothing is sinking in. You clearly are NOT direct in confronting her, jesus you won't even tell her the truth when you are going!

In fairness Rayray posters have invested time and energy into your thread. Had people not done so nor been there for you, you’d be feeling pretty shit right now. It’s a shame you couldn’t be this blunt with your friend, who has crossed far more boundaries than Saphire. Some some may conclude your intense emotional reaction is might be worth investigating more thoroughly. With a professional.

Or perhaps you should think before writing? Because this thread does read rather like a trip to the dentist.

@Mummyoflittledragon If the previous poster had read the last page in this thread she’d have known the advice she was forcefully administering was unnecessary, as it had already been taken and acted upon.

I have thanked all posters, including yourself, for your input, and I did so sincerely. Maybe you too haven’t read through to the end of this thread? Not surprising if it feels like having teeth pulled. The wonderful difference between the dentists chair and a discussion board is you can avoid the latter if you’re finding it painful.

If the previous poster had read the last page in this thread she’d have known the advice she was forcefully administering was unnecessary, as it had already been taken and acted upon.

So I posted as I was reading, along the way and didn't come to the end page. Does that still justify your forceful rant at me? Really? And it still does not change the fact, which you've all but confirmed, that you were not direct with your friend and you 'spun her a story', lied to her, instead of telling her the truth. I think the fact I said it, hit a nerve with you.

• Pointing and that should be pointing out that

Ohhh Hun @SaphfireRose ;So I posted as I was reading, along the way and didn't come to the end page'

It's about now peeps will scream at you RTFT.

Yes. posting etiquette says read the whole thread before posting.
But...... but... you do you. It's ok .. Nods..

Gosh. High horse. I’ve RTFT, as in the whole thing. I even posted a comment at 4.11 after your update that you’re leaving. It’s really rude to comment on the state of someone’s mental health btw. I appreciate I did so myself. However this was only to make a point.

I agree with@Mummyoflittledragon. That suggestion about @SaphfireRose’s mental state was unkind and uncalled for.

Crikey. This was a nice thread up until the wee small hours.

Peace and love people. The world is burning and we have a clown for a PM. I realise this probably makes us all ratty and I'm not going to hug a Brexit voter any time soon ever but please can we chill out?

🍰🌻🍦☕

@Livingoncake And is the outright accusation that a woman is a liar for trying to keep her friendship in tact while dealing with a very delicate and difficult situation not also unkind and uncalled for?

I’m not even responding to this person anymore. I think the comments above speak for themselves and I think there is something frankly wrong when someone hurls this kind of vitriol at a total stranger at four o’clock in the morning.

Well this thread escalated.

OP given your entirely uncalled for attack on @SaphfireRose I’m not convinced it’s not your judgement that’s off here