Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I just walk out of here?

459 replies

Rayray118 · 06/01/2020 16:02

Okay, long story short I'm a writer who's been offered the exclusive use of a friends apartment abroad so I could spend two weeks writing. I dived on it of course. I've just begun a major project and will be enormously busy with my day job (I have one of those unfortunately!) for the rest of the spring and summer. Aside from weekends this is the only chunk of time I have to focus on this and if I don't get a decent 20,000 words written in these two weeks there's just no point in my being here.

20,000 words is easy going for two weeks and I left it at that as a plan because I wanted to spend a night or two at the weekends with my friend who owns the apartment. She lives about twenty minutes drive from here and lets out this apartment in short lets most of the year but of course in January it's quiet. I had expected, and made very clear, that I need solitude to write. I arrived here on Friday and so far solitude has been no part of this experience.

My friend stayed here Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. I really wasn't expecting her to stay last night and thought that was pushing it, so I reminded her that as I'd said I need solitude to write. She seemed rather shocked and appalled when I suggested that she come back next weekend and leave me on my own till then. This morning she came up with some bizarre excuse about needing to stay tonight also. To me it's just getting ridiculous at this stage. To clarify, she is not lonely, nor is there any other reason I can see why she'd be so inconsiderate. She knows exactly what I came here to do and why it's so important that I be left alone to do it. She lives twenty minutes away in a very large comfortable home with her husband. She is also in a very happy and loving marriage. It seems to me she's just wilfully oblivious to how important it is to me to be alone to undertake this task, however clear I was about it before I arrived.

I can imagine some people may think I've little to worry about but if I don't get this done in the next ten days I won't get it done before late summer. I am wondering to myself if I should just pack my bags and rent an Air BnB somewhere else while I've still got ten days left? I don't want to do anything to damage my friendship but I cannot say how important or irreplaceable this time is to me. I am also getting increasingly frustrated, another few days and I'll be extremely resentful - honestly this about the most boundary-less behaviour I've experienced in a long time!

Any opinions would be most welcome.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 06/01/2020 16:33

Do you not have a room in the apartment you can be on your own in? I mean, I agree, it's much better if there's no one around at all, but surely if you barricade yourself into your room and don't respond to her, she'd get the message and you would be getting work done.

HollowTalk · 06/01/2020 16:33

I would definitely go elsewhere. You can do those 20,000 words in 10 days but you need to leave now! What the hell is she playing at? I wouldn't tell her where I was staying, either, in case she called in and wouldn't leave.

AutumnCrow · 06/01/2020 16:36

Over the years I've had to teach myself to write in a kitchen-diner surrounded by people talking and clanging - but this is different because there's just you and her in the apartment.

I guess I'd tell her I was now planning to retire to my room with my laptop, till Saturday, and wouldn't she like to go home now?

And I'd listen carefully to her reply.

BumbleBeee69 · 06/01/2020 16:37

I'm in the LEAVE camp too OP.. Grin

CoffeeConnoiseur · 06/01/2020 16:38

I would be on Air BnB right now booking somewhere else.

And text her "friend, thanks for the loan of your place, we seem to have misunderstood each other, I thought I'd explained I needed to work and to do that I needed solitude, I didn't realise you wanted us to spend all week together. I've arranged alternative accommodation. Let's arrange something for (the twelfth of never) a couple of months time when we can make a weekend of it".

Prevegen4U · 06/01/2020 16:39

Leave.

BlingLoving · 06/01/2020 16:41

Well, I think you are being a bit OTT in how you are viewing her being there in that it is her apartment ("wilfully oblivious") but nonetheless, I think it's perfectly okay to just leave and say that there's been a misunderstanding and that you can't do this without complete solitude so as she needs to be at the apartment, thanks for the offer but you're off somewhere else.

Of course she doesn't understand. She's not a writer, or not one like you, and she has no idea that her presence is a problem. DH doesn't understand why I can't work at home when he's there - he doesn't disturb me or make a noise but I can't bear it. But that's my problem, not his, and I Just take myself off. You should do the same.

FourDecades · 06/01/2020 16:41

Unfortunately as it's her apartment there isn't much you can do except ask her to leave you alone or leave.

If she wants to be there then you don't have much choice as it was free.

onalongsabbatical · 06/01/2020 16:42

Leave! As a writer, I get it - the minute there's another human being through the front door it's a distraction. Go and get a space somewhere else.

thejollyroger · 06/01/2020 16:43

Another writer here who knows it’s literally impossible to find your quiet place of focus with someone interrupting you every half hour!

Lulualla · 06/01/2020 16:43

What exactly did you say when you accepted her offer?
Is she leaving you alone to write? Can you just go into the bedroom and shut the door? It's not much fun but just stay in the room all day. If you completely ignore her then she might go away.

KitKat1985 · 06/01/2020 16:55

Are you paying for the room, or is she letting you stay for free? If the former then I think you have paid for 'exclusive use' so not unreasonable to ask for some space. If the latter then I don't think you can really expect her to leave her own apartment, and may need to de-camp to a Airbnb.

AraGrand · 06/01/2020 16:55

Did you specify solitary confinement? I know lots of people might say, I've a beautiful quiet place in the countryside - not realising that you did not want to interact with them or anyone else.

Jokie · 06/01/2020 16:56

I completely understand where you're coming from (in a similar role myself) and we have done similar recently. I'm lucky DH understands but there were a few times where we've both said: ok, I need to work now and has gone to the pool/cafe/quiet area outside of the apartment. Could that work from you?

Have you looked up co-working spaces in the area?

Rayray118 · 06/01/2020 16:56

Loads of questions here so I'll try to condense the answers. No she is not just turning up here in the mornings, she is staying here 24/7 in a one bedroomed apartment. She's sleeping on a pull-out sofa-bed that's situated right outside my bedroom door so I can't even have a p!ss during the night without disturbing her on my way to the bathroom. (Already had that experience!)

I honestly have no clue why she'd offer me the use of her apartment to be alone to write and then make every effort to ensure I haven't got a moment alone. I reminded her last night that I need solitude to write and suggested that she come back next Friday for a couple of nights, saying "Like I told you, I really need to be alone to write" and she said "But in the nighttime too???" all gog-eyed and astonished! I don't know what wires she might have crossed but as I've said I couldn't have been clearer. And yes it's her apartment, which is why it's entirely up to her to set the terms on which she loans it. I didn't ask for the use of this apartment, she offered unprompted. I told her what I'd need in terms of privacy in order to be comfortable with that, she agreed and then shifted the goalposts as soon as my foot crossed the front door!

To be able to write 2,000/2,500 words a day I need to be able to get up in the morning in my own private space, just amble around making coffee and thinking about what I'm planning, with no stimuli, no surprises and no incessant chatter. This girl never shuts up, she's everywhere I turn. I never signed up for this and at this stage I feel tense, anxious and resentful. I'm also as unproductive as I've ever been in my writing life.

OP posts:
DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 06/01/2020 16:57

Just leave. Some people think that only others are distracting or noisy. It may not have occurred to your friend that when you said no people, you actually meant her too!

thejollyroger · 06/01/2020 16:58

I can’t help but sympathise as I’m exactly the same in needing to potter about and frame and reframe ideas, think about structural points and inconsistencies.

Having said that, it doesn’t sound to me like you’re very close friends. The way you speak about her is either a reflection of your deep frustration or a basic dislike for her.

Jeezoh · 06/01/2020 17:00

I’d thank her for the offer but explain you only accepted on the basis you outlined and as it’s not working out, you’ll be leaving. Sounds like she’s either massively misunderstood or totally ignored what you said to suit herself.

CopperAndGold · 06/01/2020 17:00

I'd leave.

Drum2018 · 06/01/2020 17:02

Definitely leave. She could go this afternoon but show up again u announced on Wednesday for instance. You don't need the unnecessary stress of wondering if you will be disturbed again while you're on a roll. Hopefully you can find somewhere quiet. Book it and then tell her you are finishing up at her apartment.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 06/01/2020 17:04

She just doesn't get it Op. I'd leave ASAP and stay somewhere else.

dudsville · 06/01/2020 17:04

How awful. Get new accommodation tonight if you can. A simple, "thanks soo much but I need a different environment to work in asunde thre clocks ticking so I'm heading off now." If you value tyke friendship throw in a "are you free in a couple of weeks after I gain some ground on this project?"

rowrowrowyaboat · 06/01/2020 17:06

I dont think either her or the husband (if its his apartment too) trust you to be alone in the apartment Op. i would outright ask her....and then leave.

sassbott · 06/01/2020 17:07

Leave. She sounds like she’s lonely and thought this would be some sort of girlie catch up. But that is not your problem.

If she is a very good friend though, try not to be super annoyed about it. Just explain really kindly why it is you need your space, how writing works and that this time is super important to you and you won’t get it back. You don’t want this to create any sort of issue but you need your space.

She sounds as though she hasn’t really thought about what you want/ need. I mean, most people would have taken the hint with the conversation you’ve already had. She’s making it super awkward for you and if she hasn’t already figured out she’s in the way, she won’t. And you staying will damage your friendship far more than you leaving as you will get incredibly angry and resentful.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/01/2020 17:08

I feel tense, anxious and resentful. I'm also as unproductive as I've ever been ...

After what's happened I imagine it may take a while to get back into the quiet mindset needed, which all cuts into the time you've got available - and that adjustment can only start either when you leave or if you can be certain there'll be no more interruptions

So whatever you decide, I'd decide quickly

Swipe left for the next trending thread