Should I just walk out of here?

[Rayray118]

Okay, long story short I'm a writer who's been offered the exclusive use of a friends apartment abroad so I could spend two weeks writing. I dived on it of course. I've just begun a major project and will be enormously busy with my day job (I have one of those unfortunately!) for the rest of the spring and summer. Aside from weekends this is the only chunk of time I have to focus on this and if I don't get a decent 20,000 words written in these two weeks there's just no point in my being here.

20,000 words is easy going for two weeks and I left it at that as a plan because I wanted to spend a night or two at the weekends with my friend who owns the apartment. She lives about twenty minutes drive from here and lets out this apartment in short lets most of the year but of course in January it's quiet. I had expected, and made very clear, that I need solitude to write. I arrived here on Friday and so far solitude has been no part of this experience.

My friend stayed here Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. I really wasn't expecting her to stay last night and thought that was pushing it, so I reminded her that as I'd said I need solitude to write. She seemed rather shocked and appalled when I suggested that she come back next weekend and leave me on my own till then. This morning she came up with some bizarre excuse about needing to stay tonight also. To me it's just getting ridiculous at this stage. To clarify, she is not lonely, nor is there any other reason I can see why she'd be so inconsiderate. She knows exactly what I came here to do and why it's so important that I be left alone to do it. She lives twenty minutes away in a very large comfortable home with her husband. She is also in a very happy and loving marriage. It seems to me she's just wilfully oblivious to how important it is to me to be alone to undertake this task, however clear I was about it before I arrived.

I can imagine some people may think I've little to worry about but if I don't get this done in the next ten days I won't get it done before late summer. I am wondering to myself if I should just pack my bags and rent an Air BnB somewhere else while I've still got ten days left? I don't want to do anything to damage my friendship but I cannot say how important or irreplaceable this time is to me. I am also getting increasingly frustrated, another few days and I'll be extremely resentful - honestly this about the most boundary-less behaviour I've experienced in a long time!

Any opinions would be most welcome.

@Vanhi

I'd also missed the bit about it not being a free loan. Hadn't realised you're paying her, OP!

I think the OP means she's ended up effectively staying with her friend, rather than having sole use of a freebie. So not really much of a freebie.

If she's paid as well she's really being mugged off.

I don't think the OP is paying, I think she's pointing out that she's not lending the flat free because she's there.

I know you've explained to her your need for solitude, OP, but have you actually said that if she doesn't leave you alone, you'll have to leave and go elsewhere?

I think you were very lucky to have been offered the apartment. I don't believe you did not think it may have motives. Leave! It has cost you nothing. The friend owes you nothing. Pay. It is ridiculous to expect anything for nothing. If it sounds too good to be true. Usually is. By the way, I am also a writer. I am sure you will manage.
raven999

The loan of the flat was offered to me in the context of a gift. Why on earth would I pay for a gift? It seems to me there’s a distinction being made by some posters between tangible and non-tangible gifts. It would have been just as absurd for me to pay for the use of her flat after she’d offered it as a gift as it would have been for her to pull out her wallet on my arrival and reimburse me for the thank you gift I bought her on my way here!

Ah I see. She still doesn't get it though eh?

you are losing so much writing time on this, you are better off getting yourself set up elsewhere as a fait accompli and then explaining it. if its airbnb you can cancel etc etc

This would drive me nuts too OP. I work from home and have a good friend, who's a SAHP to two school aged children. She's forever 'popping in' during the day for a cuppa, that can last three hours or more, she seems to think that because I'm at home I can simply 'not work'

I've now stopped answering the door or phone to her, but that's where I'm in the better situation and can do that. You'd be hard pushed to do that in a loaned apartment.

I dont understand OP. If you need to write then just book the flight and go. You are never going to get anything done with her there. If you want to keep the friendship then just make up an issue at home, leaking pipes or whatever, then go.

Except that she's not lending it to me, and I really don't understand how you've missed that point.

Surely she is? You said she'd offered you exclusive use of the apartment, and if you're not paying for it and she's not giving you the apartment in perpetuity, it's a loan. Indeed you've described the arrangement as a loan yourself.

I'm not sure if you've misinterpreted the point I was making. I wasn't saying you were entitled - in fact I was saying the reverse: you aren't ordering your friend out of her own apartment (as suggested by others) because you're being polite and nice.

Is she staying tonight? If so, I'd suggest developing a need to pee every half hour for as long as you can stay awake, and falling across her sofa-bed every time you go.

You are being very patient with her, I think I would have left by now there's nothing worse than someone not leaving you alone when that is all you want!

@Equanimitas She did offer me the exclusive use of the apartment and turns out in reality I ended up with the shared use of the apartment. A shared space is useless to me, worse than useless actually, because it involved a serious surge of frustration and resentment which is like putting a psychic bomb under the frame of mind I need to be in to be able to write. Thank you for your clarifying remarks. I guess I have to weigh up what's more important in the long term, the loss of writing time or damage to our friendship.

I think the poster above has a point. I may need to introduce leaking pipes or something similar into the equation!

@raven999 I don't believe you did not think it may have motives.

Believe what you like. If I thought someones offer of a gift was likely underpinned by motives I wouldn't consider them a friend to begin with.

Can't believe it's taken 341 posts over this. OP, she's pissed you off, so surely all you need to do is say "this isn't working for me, I'm going somewhere else" and then just go.

Hang on. I'm just trying to catch up with this. Is it right that she's been with you every day & night since you arrived? You're right, that's farcical.

I know where you're coming from because I stopped being friends with a woman who kept wanting to meet up & then cancelling. Finally she said she wanted to see me on Monday or Tuesday of the next week. I was in the middle of doing something that needed me to be in the zone, and I reluctantly agreed to hold off for those days because I couldn't do it if I thought I had to stop & do something else. I explained this to her.

No call from her on Monday or Tuesday. I had to make a decision: do I lose the entire week waiting for her, or do I knuckle down & ignore anything she might do? I decided on the latter & yep, she called repeatedly as soon as the agreed time was over. I let them go to voicemail (there was no apology or acknowledgement of my situation) & broke off the friendship.

@PhilCornwall1 Can't believe it's taken 341 posts over this. OP, she's pissed you off, so surely all you need to do is say "this isn't working for me, I'm going somewhere else" and then just go.

I'm leaving on Friday.

@ifIwerenotanandroid Hang on. I'm just trying to catch up with this. Is it right that she's been with you every day & night since you arrived? You're right, that's farcical.

Yes, every day and night, except for one three-hour absence where I was expected to have a significant portion of 20,000 words written. There'd have been sparks coming out of the keyboard!

OMG, she really is oblivious, isn't she?

Ignore the snipers, OP. Real life is not always as simple as saying exactly what you’re thinking out loud to whoever needs to hear it. From what it’s worth, you have my every sympathy but, for some reason, I am fascinated by this thread!

But WHY is she there? It’s super weird..

Do they think you’re untrustworthy?

Do you do nanowrimo by any chance op? This sounds like when I've tried it in the past while not working, and while doing a degree. I had a friend that wanted to come to my house every day while the kids were at school for coffee, as she didn't want to walk the 20 minutes back to her house and ended up spending the day at min, less than 5 minutes from the school. I barely had a chance to prep and plan for it let alone write it. Ended up managing 5,000 of the 50,000 target for the month. She was also doing it, got her 50,000 words done, difference being I didn't end up screwing up my sleep pattern for the month. I sympathise completely. I hope you reach your target.

Have you really not sat her down and said "I really appreciated your offer to come here and write, but when we discussed it you did offer me the place to myself. You havnt left. I cannot write with you here. I cant just go and sit in the bedroom or sit in the living room ignoring you; I need to be alone. You knew this when you offered. I havnt got any work done. Why are you here?"

Have you any idea what the fortnight was about from her perspective? I cannot work her out

I really sympathise with you OP...

I’ve no idea what is going on in the mind of your friend... but it’s mind boggling to read some of the responses you’re getting, suggesting your friend can do whatever she wants because it’s her apartment.

We can all choose to behave inconsiderately, if we want to. Doesn’t make it right.

To say that the gift giver (friend who offered a free and exclusive stay at her apartment, in order for you to write uninterrupted) is entitled to do whatever she wants (I.e. stay there and make it impossible for you to write as planned) ‘because it is her apartment’ and therefore is entitled to do whatever she wants regardless of the impact it has on those around her... is completely missing the point.

It was offered as a gift.

That would be like saying, “I am offering you the gift of a free meal because I know you’re hungry right now.”

But when the meal arrives at the table the ‘gift giver’ nestles up to their hungry friend and says, “don’t mind me tucking in, do you?”

Then proceeds to rearrange the food on the plate and starts sloshing unwanted condiments on every forkful the hungry friend is trying to eat, making it stressful, if not impossible for them to eat the meal.

And all the while, the hungry friend says “I’m sorry, I’m quite hungry and I was under the impression that you had gifted me this meal because you knew I was hungry? I’d really like to eat it please...”

And a particular bunch of people stand around wagging their fingers, saying:

“You didn’t pay for the meal, so shut up and be grateful. Your friend can do whatever they like... if you wanted a meal you should have bought it yourself.”

This attitude not only entirely misses the fact that life is not an emotionless bank transaction (and is actually full of complex and colourful dynamics) ... but is also incredibly patronising towards the gift giving friend... as it’s assuming they haven’t the faintest idea what a gift really is.

Good luck with your writing OP, I really hope you can salvage things.

I work in the NHS and I’m expected to write complex therapy reports, summarising years of in-depth therapy in an incredibly noisy and chaotic office. Today was especially loud as we had 5 maintenance guys in replacing a smashed window, shouting and swearing and jumping off the desks...

Whilst I really like my colleagues, I have to listen to white noise, directly through my headphones, as loud as it will go... in order to get any reports done.

I used this today and (if it’s the kind of thing that works for you), I can highly recommend: