Should I just walk out of here?

[Rayray118]

Okay, long story short I'm a writer who's been offered the exclusive use of a friends apartment abroad so I could spend two weeks writing. I dived on it of course. I've just begun a major project and will be enormously busy with my day job (I have one of those unfortunately!) for the rest of the spring and summer. Aside from weekends this is the only chunk of time I have to focus on this and if I don't get a decent 20,000 words written in these two weeks there's just no point in my being here.

20,000 words is easy going for two weeks and I left it at that as a plan because I wanted to spend a night or two at the weekends with my friend who owns the apartment. She lives about twenty minutes drive from here and lets out this apartment in short lets most of the year but of course in January it's quiet. I had expected, and made very clear, that I need solitude to write. I arrived here on Friday and so far solitude has been no part of this experience.

My friend stayed here Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. I really wasn't expecting her to stay last night and thought that was pushing it, so I reminded her that as I'd said I need solitude to write. She seemed rather shocked and appalled when I suggested that she come back next weekend and leave me on my own till then. This morning she came up with some bizarre excuse about needing to stay tonight also. To me it's just getting ridiculous at this stage. To clarify, she is not lonely, nor is there any other reason I can see why she'd be so inconsiderate. She knows exactly what I came here to do and why it's so important that I be left alone to do it. She lives twenty minutes away in a very large comfortable home with her husband. She is also in a very happy and loving marriage. It seems to me she's just wilfully oblivious to how important it is to me to be alone to undertake this task, however clear I was about it before I arrived.

I can imagine some people may think I've little to worry about but if I don't get this done in the next ten days I won't get it done before late summer. I am wondering to myself if I should just pack my bags and rent an Air BnB somewhere else while I've still got ten days left? I don't want to do anything to damage my friendship but I cannot say how important or irreplaceable this time is to me. I am also getting increasingly frustrated, another few days and I'll be extremely resentful - honestly this about the most boundary-less behaviour I've experienced in a long time!

Any opinions would be most welcome.

OK. I read it as frustration, rather than vitriol, but only @SaphfireRose knows how it was actually intended.

I’ll bow out now, but will keep watching the thread. I do hope you manage to get your friend to respect your boundaries without damaging the friendship.

Yes, the comments do speak for themselves.

When someone comes on here, adamant they have confronted the friend and told them, reiterated this to many people, when it is clear one didn't, then even admits they spun a yarn at the very end, that isn't being honest. It is what it is. I certainly didn't mean to offend you, I know I can be very blunt but it is exasperating when people come on here, ask if they should do something, everyone says yes, then that poster says 'no I'll wait' and then, doesn't even tell the friend the real reason. People have asked you many times over, did you really tell her? Now, it comes out that you didn't. So, she is under the impression she did nothing and all is fine. Because you wouldn't tell the truth. I point out to you the reality, and apparently I am too 'emotionally invested' and need to seek professional help. It's obvious it is because you were called out and you didn't like it, so you lashed out at me. Ok if you need a (virtual) punching bag. But don't pretend to be the victim here. You weren't honest with your friend, and you weren't honest with people on here, who cared enough to respond. Now I'll go before I get accused of being emotionally invested again.

Eh it's no fun being the OP on aibu threads, I'm not surprised rayray blew her top a bit. Someone always drops in to accuse OPs of lying, it appears to be MN protocol. No idea why.
@Rayray118 I'd bow out of here now if I were you. The thread's served its purpose. Don't go from letting your mate waste your time writing to letting a bunfight on MN waste it instead! Hide the thread, do some breathing exercises to calm down, and go off to be productive! Good luck :)

I've watched and posted on this thread and now regret the time invested in a first-time poster (again) who spins it out, yada yada.

Lesson learned.

Saphire was on the money.

I'm bailing.

So I posted as I was reading, along the way and didn't come to the end page. Does that still justify your forceful rant at me?

I didn't see the rant but, to be honest, if you comment without at the very least having read all the OP's posts you sort of ask for what you get.

Glad to hear you are getting away. Hope the next week will be productive for you.

OP I had the same thought as other posters. You 'span her a yarn'. It is is a delicate situation, apparently.

It really isn't! Your boundaries are way off, it is so apparent that you haven't told her that you need complete peace and to be on your own for x number of days.

If you had, she wouldnt be all goo eyed and cheerful. She would be huffy or upset - or she would be filled with guilt if a nice person. She's crossed your boundary and you haven't made that clear.

If, otoh, you have said it, and she is still happy clappy after you saying "Please leave now & don't come back for x days - I mean it, I'm totally serious, you are costing me time and money and peace of mind" - in so many words, not euphemistically - she is a sociopath and why would you preserve that friendship? I don't buy it.

Ironically, given that precision in words is important to you, you've not been clear.

So are you still leaving today, OP?

Did she manage to get her keys cut?

Surely the spinning a line is the OP´s reasons for why she has booked to leave? In which case, I don't see the problem. She doesn't want to end the friendship for good but she needs to leave. So she came up with a reason which allows her to do both. Sounds like a good way to finish things if you ask me.

When someone comes on here, adamant they have confronted the friend and told them, reiterated this to many people, when it is clear one didn't, then even admits they spun a yarn at the very end, that isn't being honest

I agree with sonjadog. It is entirely consistent for OP to have made herself very clear to her friend as to her need for absolute solitude and to have spun her a line by way of an excuse to leave in order to preserve some degree of friendship after all of this.

@SaphfireRose But don't pretend to be the victim here. You weren't honest with your friend, and you weren't honest with people on here

@SaphfireRose People have asked you many times over, did you really tell her? Now, it comes out that you didn't.

I am blue in the face repeating that I told her. The only thing that's come out here is your misplaced confidence in your own assumptions and your nasty habit of hurling abusive accusations.

sonjadog Surely the spinning a line is the OP´s reasons for why she has booked to leave? In which case, I don't see the problem. She doesn't want to end the friendship for good but she needs to leave. So she came up with a reason which allows her to do both.

This is exactly what I did and why. Thank you to the posters who understand this.

I am a new Mumsnetter and I have to say I am very disappointed at the experience of being called a liar by a stranger here at 4am and again this morning. I had intended to post tomorrow from my new location and at the weeks end to update on word-count etc, but I won't be posting to this thread again as apparently this leaves you open to some peoples vitriol and ugly allegations. After the week I've had, that I just don't need. I got some great support on here though and I really do appreciate it, so a big thank you to the people who offered me that.

SaphfireRose - When someone comes on here, adamant they have confronted the friend and told them, reiterated this to many people, when it is clear one didn't, then even admits they spun a yarn at the very end, that isn't being honest.

I think you are willfully misreading because of your late night spat with the OP.

Sometimes you can tell people over and over that you need solitude but they choose not to hear you because they don't want to. My mother was the same when I was writing dissertations.

Can you really not understand why the OP has chosen to make an excuse (yarn) in order to leave early rather than take the nuclear approach to a friendship? Just as I would never have taken the nuclear option with my mother

It’s fine to politely exit without saying why. That way the friendship will be untouched. The op is trying to get back to some even keel to write and feeling bad for another week won’t help.

I hope you achieve what you set out to in the new surroundings OP. Like others, I understood you didn't want to end the friendship over this.

Yes, good luck in the new location, Rayray. I understand the situation with your friend & I think you handled it with her really well, in the circumstances. Not throttling her or screaming at her is a hell of an achievement IMHO! Sounds like you managed to keep the friendship intact but I bet you won't be taking up any more offers like this from her..

I still don't believe you actually asked her to leave and said you needed solitude!

I'm really curious about this friend of yours and why she can't understand a direct comment like " I need quiet and solitude to write, please leave me alone as agreed" or words to that effect. A good friend would understand. What's she up to or is she this obtuse about other things? Bizarre!

You don't want to ruin your friendship with her by being too confrontational but surely she needs to learn something here. You have been far more tactful than I'd be able to be after a very frustrating time like that. Is there any point writing her a letter when you get home trying to enlighten her?

And ONCE AGAIN the OP has to bow out thanks to people going over the freakin top with their accusations of lies & the rest of us are denied the update we wanted. Mumsnet can be SO BLOODY FRUSTRATING!!!!

yes exactly, @unlikelytobe, because the OP really didn't make that direct comment.

Not accusing her of lying, but pointing out how interesting it is that OP thinks she was clear, but really probably wasn't. It's weird to be quite that tactful.

I reckon both friend and OP have things to learn!

If OP returns and says she did ask the friend to leave, directly, after all, I stand corrected!

ktp100
We may never have got an update anyway. Op does not have to bow out. She is choosing to.

Hope you get your peace to write OP

@ktp100 The OP has been called out by many people, not just myself. By her own admission, she 'spun a yarn' instead of telling her friend the truth.

I believe and support the OP.