I started school in the mid 80s so smacking was outlawed by then. My parents on the other hand were great fans of giving us a good hiding, sometimes with slippers or other weapons. Not so much my mum, who’d only smack us on the legs, but she’d wait till dad got back, then get him all riled up so he’d chase us up to our rooms throwing things at us and shouting, then wallop us. I suppose what my mother did could be considered abusive as she’d tell us off, then things would go back to normal and everything would be fine, then when dad got in from work she’d start up again out of nowhere. I remember when I was very small being hit when I didn’t know what I was supposed to have done.
It’s not so much the hitting that bothers me as an adult, it was the constantly feeling scared about what would happen when dad got home, and the thinking things were all fine and sorted, only to have mother start again getting dad all riled up and angry later. The hitting wasn’t all that bad in comparison. I do remember however him pushing me in the stomach, winding me. I fell backwards onto the stairs and hurt my back, then him looming over me and screaming into my face. I hurt for days after that.
The one thing however that I really can’t forgive is my dad hitting me when I was 18. He actually did it loads but I think something snapped in me that time so it sticks out in my memory. I was watching something quietly on the telly or finishing a drink downstairs or something, can’t remember what and he insisted I go to bed. I refused as I wasn’t done with what I was doing and I said I’d go up when I’d finished and I wouldn’t be long. so he hit me. I think it was when I realised that he wasn’t doing it for my own good, which is what they’d say, it was just because he was losing control. I wonder how many other adult women he’d hit. The answer is none, or I certainly hope it is.
He has a nasty temper my dad and he can’t control it. Thankfully he never hit my mum but he didn’t think twice about lashing out at me and my sister.
Actually take that back, I don’t forgive any of it. My dad has always been my mother’s puppet, she’s emotionally abusive and manipulative and he has a vicious temper. Put those two things together and you have a pretty awful environment for a kid. Up until a few years ago I would have said it never harmed me, but as I’ve got older it bothers me more. I’ve had a few moments with my own DS when he was young where I’ve lashed out, I’ll admit that. I was having a difficult time myself and I wasn’t being a very good parent. I’ve done a lot of work in the last few years though and I would never do it again. I feel awful about it now, even though compared to what I got it was nothing, but I recognise the loss of control and that’s not something I’m proud of.
My dad has dementia now and my mum is looking after him. His nasty temper is now directed at her. I must admit there’s a tiny part of me that thinks it’s karma, as she loved to weaponise his temper against us. I know that’s an awful thing to feel though. Unfortunately for my parents neither me nor my sister are falling over ourselves to help due to the shitty way they’ve treated us over the years. They haven’t been very nice during our adulthood either, especially my mum. She has started on us out of the blue for no reason and accused us of some awful things, none of them remotely true and she abandoned me when I was breaking up from my abusive violent XH and losing my eyesight. The only tiny thing I’ve ever asked of her she ignored my messages and calls. I guess you reap what you sew in that respect.