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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When people say "presence not presents" on an invitation?

117 replies

Holidayaddict · 05/01/2020 22:50

We've been invited to a surprise party for a good friend and neighbour's significant birthday and her DH has written that on the invitation. Do we take him at his word and just take a nice card or still take a small gift? If so, any ideas? Sure she'll have lots of flowers and doesn't really drink. Grateful if anyone could advise on correct etiquette! Thank you x

OP posts:
CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 05/01/2020 22:51

I always take a small gift in such circumstances. Never turn up empty handed...

Pipandmum · 05/01/2020 22:52

I'd frankly just want the people there not a load of inexpensive 'token' presents.

Ferrisbuellersdayoff · 05/01/2020 22:52

Just a card. Why don't you trust what's written on the invitation?

Clevererthanyou · 05/01/2020 22:54

I’ve written it and meant it. If the host is anything like me they’ll just want you to turn up so they can overfeed and entertain you Grin

Ferrisbuellersdayoff · 05/01/2020 22:54

I've just reread the OP and realise it's because the person with the birthday didn't write the invitation. I'd still just take a card.

Chocolatecake12 · 05/01/2020 22:55

Would you usually give her a present? If so then do as normal and buy one. If not then maybe take a bottle of fizz that can be opened at the party if they’d like.

chocolatespiders · 05/01/2020 22:55

If I wrote that I would want that. But I am that person who would rather not have birthday or Christmas presents.

malmi · 05/01/2020 22:57

Unusual that the host is making that decision on behalf of the person whose birthday it actually is, but probably best to comply.

APatchyTomCat · 05/01/2020 22:57

If someone has specifically gone to the effort of saying it, I would respect their wishes and not give a gift.

AgeLikeWine · 05/01/2020 22:59

I am a straightforward person. I say what I mean and mean what I say.

If I wrote ‘presence not presents’ on a party invitation, it would mean exactly what it says. I would neither expect, nor want, nor appreciate any gifts.

steff13 · 05/01/2020 23:01

I'd take a bottle of wine or chocolates.

AgeLikeWine · 05/01/2020 23:11

I'd take a bottle of wine or chocolates.

Why?

The host specifically said ‘no presents’. Doesn’t that include wine & chocolates? Confused

Grumpydad1540 · 05/01/2020 23:12

If you sent me that invite you’d get neither, pretentious pricks

MyNewBearTotoro · 05/01/2020 23:13

If it was a close friend/ relative who I’d usually buy a present for even if they weren’t having a party I would still bring a gift. If it’s a friend or acquaintance who I wouldn’t usually buy a gift for but is throwing a big party then I think it’s fine to just buy a card in those circumstances.

ohprettybaby · 05/01/2020 23:13

The correct etiquette is to listen to what they have stated and DON'T BUY PRESENTS.

Why are so many people advocating that the OP be rude and disregard the instructions? The person who wrote that went to the trouble to do so. Just do what they say. They don't want you to buy token presents - they've already told you this so listen to them. I'd be so peed off if I wrote this on invitations and people ignored it.

PapayaCoconut · 05/01/2020 23:18

If you sent me that invite you’d get neither, pretentious pricks

Shock Wow! It's just a pun (admittedly a week one) meant to convey a desire to avoid waste. What's pretentious about that?

PapayaCoconut · 05/01/2020 23:19

*weak

BackforGood · 05/01/2020 23:19

When I say no presents, oddly, it's because I want no presents.

IT wouldn't have been specifically written if it wasn't was was wanted.

Halestorm · 05/01/2020 23:26

A friend of mine wrote this on her invites. Reason? She and her DH were both getting married for the second time and were merging homes. Since they already had two of everything she really didn't want people giving her any more toasters!

She also felt that as they were both in very good salaried jobs, cash gifts were wholly unnecessary. She genuinely just wanted people there. She told everyone in advance that if they ignored her request (and she understands that people feel they need to bring something to a party) the gift would go on ebay and the resultant cash would be added to any cash gifts and donated to a charity that meant a lot to them. I thought it was lovely.

I also don't care for gifts - cash or otherwise for my wedding this year. All I genuinely want is my family and friends around me, celebrating the day with me. I'm overwhelmed with household stuff so if I was to get a gift I'd prefer it to be something like concert or zoo tickets that are zero waste and give us an experience as a family.

Elieza · 05/01/2020 23:32

I’d still take a box of chocs, whatever the invitation said, and explain on arrival they’re ‘for everyone so it’s not really a present it’s just an edible to be passed round later. I hope that’s ok’

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 05/01/2020 23:35

I would give a nice card. That is all I usually do for most friends' birthdays and what they do for me.

Mammyloveswine · 05/01/2020 23:46

I just had a birthday party for my son, I specifically said "please don't worry about gifts as due to Christmas they have lots. If you would like to get something a book would be lovely but we'd rather just have his friends celebrate with him!"

He got a fuck tonne of presents, some huge things, some duplicates..

I will stash some away and bring them out over the year, and it was so kind but OMG the amount he got was obscene! Some people even gave him TWO or THREE big presents! So generous and he was thrilled but I have no idea where I'm going to put everything!

Maybe I was rude to state that but I either pop money in a card or give a book unless I know the child well or the parents! Xx

Flowerballs · 05/01/2020 23:48

Presents are a form of control...

WorraLiberty · 05/01/2020 23:48

I've got a feeling the 'surprise' birthday party isn't actually a surprise at all.

They've clearly discussed it his wife doesn't want any presents.

You'll have to respect that OP but I get what you mean. It's part of our culture to give presents when we're invited to birthday parties, so it does feel a little rude not to do so. However it's obviously not rude as you've been told they're not wanted.

Original poster
Holidayaddict · 06/01/2020 06:47

Thanks for your replies. My initial thought was to do what he said but, like others, it feels rude to turn up empty handed. There's also the point that, because it's a surprise, he wrote the invitations not her and she likely will never know what was written (she definitely has no clue about the party).

OP posts: