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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When people say "presence not presents" on an invitation?

117 replies

Holidayaddict · 05/01/2020 22:50

We've been invited to a surprise party for a good friend and neighbour's significant birthday and her DH has written that on the invitation. Do we take him at his word and just take a nice card or still take a small gift? If so, any ideas? Sure she'll have lots of flowers and doesn't really drink. Grateful if anyone could advise on correct etiquette! Thank you x

OP posts:

EntropyRising · 06/01/2020 06:55

I'd take a bottle of wine, just as one does if it's not a birthday party - it's just social lubrication rather than a present.

Zampa · 06/01/2020 06:58

He may have written it to ensure that people don't feel obliged to bring gifts. Often people can't afford the travel, the gift etc. Taking some pressure off the guests may encourage more people to attend. He wants lots of guests at his wife's party, which is lovely.

I'd take a present, whether it's token or what you were already planning (which could have been nothing, which would be fine in these circumstances).

cabbageking · 06/01/2020 06:59

Take a box of doughnuts to share at the party if you feel so inclined.

Sohardtochooseausername · 06/01/2020 07:00

I’d bring a card and a bottle of something nice. I’d always bring a bottle to a party, seems rude to expect the hosts to supply all the drinks.

Poetryinaction · 06/01/2020 07:01

If I asked for no presents, I would hope for no presents.

chocatoo · 06/01/2020 07:05

Take a bottle of bubbly and a nice card. Maybe invite them for coffee or lunch for a more personal celebration after the event.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 06/01/2020 07:11

I'd turn up empty handed. That's what they've asked for.

Ginfordinner · 06/01/2020 07:16

So many posters suggesting take a bottle when the OP has said that the recipient doesn't really drink

Winter2020 · 06/01/2020 07:19

I would assume it mean’t “we want you to come along - please don’t not come along because of the cost of a present or not knowing what to buy”. I think what you should do depends on your relationship with the person. If you would normally not know it was their birthday at all or celebrate with them then ordinary party gift of wine/chocs or £10 voucher. If they are a friend that you would normally buy for then do what you normally do e.g. take them out for lunch whatever.

For a kids party we included a little poem saying no need to bring a present but if you do please only a small one. (Particularly as it was a whole class/joint party) Some people bought as they usually would, one or two didn’t bring a present and a few brought a bag of sweets or put a couple of pound in the card. I thought it was great as it took the pressure off parents a bit but my son still got plenty to open.

Ohyesiam · 06/01/2020 07:24

Don’t turn up empty handed, take a card.

Oysterbabe · 06/01/2020 07:26

I would take a card with maybe a voucher inside. Its a surprise party so seems a bit mean for someone to decide no presents on their behalf.

Original poster

Holidayaddict · 06/01/2020 07:35

Worth mentioning that the party is in a hall with a pay bar so the bring a bottle thing doesn't really work, plus she rarely if ever drinks due to health issues.

OP posts:

EntropyRising · 06/01/2020 07:57

In this case, I would take something like homemade bread or marshmallows, nicely wrapped.

I'd fight shy of turning up entirely empty-handed.

And yes, a really lovely card.

phoenixrosehere · 06/01/2020 08:02

So many posters suggesting take a bottle when the OP has said that the recipient doesn't really drink confused

Because that’s the go-to regardless if you drink or not. Many assume you can always regift it or someone else in your household can drink it or it can be for guests. It’s really annoying.

CruCru · 06/01/2020 08:05

I wrote something similar on the invitations for my 40th. Partly because I genuinely didn’t want people to spend loads of money buying me presents and partly because we were having the party somewhere away from home and I didn’t want a lot to carry (central London so travelling on public transport).

starfishmummy · 06/01/2020 08:09

I think I would go by what I usually do for this person. So if its a friend I usually give a gift to them I would still do so but perhaps not give it to them at the party.

Ragwort · 06/01/2020 08:10

I agree, you should respect what people say in the invite, why is that so hard.
It's not 'rude' to turn up empty handed, it's rude not to accept what is written quite clearly in the invite.

I enjoy entertaining, I can afford it, I don't want or need random bottles of wine, chocolates, flowers etc in my life.

For a big birthday party I clearly put 'no presents please' on the invite, still got some, random plants etc (I hate gardening ). It actually put me off having another big birthday party, I took my immediate family out for a meal instead.

TanteRose · 06/01/2020 08:14

yep I said no presents for my 50th, because I just wanted my 50 friends to get together and have fun without having to think of bringing anything.

Some did bring a bottle, flowers, cards, but my favourite gift was a handmade book that one friend had put together, with messages from as many people as she could contact before the party (through FB etc.) It is something I will treasure forever.

Stefoscope · 06/01/2020 08:16

I wouldn't take a present in that situation, probably just a card. You could always offer to take her for a birthday coffee or similar if you want to treat her.

Mandarinfish · 06/01/2020 08:17

If I (or my DH on my behalf) wrote this on an invitation I'd mean it, so I wouldn't take a present. I'd take a card and write something nice in it.

Ginfordinner · 06/01/2020 08:24

I think more and more people just don't want "stuff", hence the no presents request, especially just after Christmas. The PP's DC who had loads of presents at a party recently probably received some regifted presents from Christmas. I would respect their request TBH.

Iwillgotothegym · 06/01/2020 08:25

If you want to give something could you ask if there is a charity she particularly likes and give a donation. You could just tell her but don’t have to. (not how much you gave.)

housinghelp101 · 06/01/2020 08:26

I always say that and I really mean it. I always get token presents that are either charity shopped or sent to the school fair. Recently someone came with a bottle of Lidl non-alcoholic wine (I don't drink) and I was delighted. But really I just love seeing friends and family, not really interested in the present side of things.

katzenellenbogen · 06/01/2020 08:27

You absolutely must spend a fortune on something that they don't want.

The fact that they have said that they don't want any presents (massive clue!) is obviously secret code for "buy me something".

OK - only joking. Just take a card.

All the posters saying they would buy a token present (whatever the fuck that is) are rude for ignoring what they have been asked to do.

EntropyRising · 06/01/2020 08:32

I think probably 'token presents' are exactly what they're trying to avoid. They're horrible and wind up directly in Goodwill or worse yet, the bin.

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