When people say "presence not presents" on an invitation?

[Holidayaddict]

We've been invited to a surprise party for a good friend and neighbour's significant birthday and her DH has written that on the invitation. Do we take him at his word and just take a nice card or still take a small gift? If so, any ideas? Sure she'll have lots of flowers and doesn't really drink. Grateful if anyone could advise on correct etiquette! Thank you x

Taking a box of chocolates to a party in a hall “just to pass around later” is honestly really odd

Why are people interpreting a hidden meaning in an invitation with really clear wording....?!

Why don't people understand plain English? To those saying they'd take chocolates, ffs, it's just been Christmas. No-one is going to thank you for bringing chocolates. And if everyone else at the party does the same... Well if it was my party I'd hate you.

If you're very close and would normally give a gift, visit then another time and bring it. Don't take it to the party and make the prime who did as they were told, feel bad. That's how these things escalate. "Oh I can't not take anything because others might and I'll feel bad"

It's like the climate crisis and decluttering craze never happened.

We are massively over consuming the planet's resourses and yet people still insist that it's rude to not buy a gift when they've specifically been asked not to.

People are drowning in stuff that causes them stress and all attempts to declutter is twarted by people foisting yet more stuff on them, when they've specifically been asked not to.

Mumsnet is full of posters who look for hidden meanings:

Bonny = fat
Well = fat
No presents = must take a token gift

I take all the above at face value

I do not understand what the difficulty is in accepting that no presents are required and so you don't bring one. It's not about how you feel.

Well said Barbara

Why would you ignore what was on the invite? Honestly bringing presents when it says not to feels a little passive aggressive to me.

I went to a wedding in the summer where the couple getting married were well off and in their fifties. They asked everyone to buy them a book, nothing specific, just something the giver loved or found interesting. I thought this was a brilliant idea, it got round the whole not knowing what to get them when they didn’t need anything problem in a very nice way.

They asked everyone to buy them a book, nothing specific, just something the giver loved or found interesting.

Great idea. Better still to bring their own... I find it terribly endearing when someone gives me their old copy of a loved book. My MIL does this and I feel a surge of affection when I see her scribbled notes in the margin.

In that circumstance I would write a note in the card - please let me take you out for a birthday coffee/lunch (whatever your budget). No waste, no small present, yet you can treat her by following up the note with suggestion of dates. :)

I wouldn't take a gift. And I wouldn't worry that the DW will be upset as she doesn't realise her DH has requested no gifts. As her husband we can assume he knows her well and knows what she wants. If that was my DH, he would know I don't need or want gifts and it would be fine to request this on my behalf.

I'd take a bottle of champagne

Why would you give alcohol to a person 'who doesn't really drink'?

I'd hate everyone to turn up with token gifts. It's usually stuff the person doesn't want and if it's a large party you'd end up with a mountain of stuff that will need to be donated anyway.

In that circumstance I would write a note in the card - please let me take you out for a birthday coffee/lunch (whatever your budget). No waste, no small present, yet you can treat her by following up the note with suggestion of dates

This is a lovely idea!

I’d be annoyed if I asked for no presents and people brought presents. Like, don’t you respect what I say? He must know whether she wants presents or not

That is a lovely idea PandaG

PrincessHoneysuckle read the OP's updates

Nice card with a nice message inside, job done. Don't overthink it.

It's mumsnet so the idea with invitations is to do the opposite of what is requested.

Cash only? No, I'm buying a picture frame. Cheeky gits.

Here's a gift list? Entitled fuckers! How dare they assume I'll take a gift to their wedding.

No gifts please? I'm taking some old tat because its wrong not to take something.

I’d get them some chocolates or alchahol. No nice person would be angry when a gift is exchanged. However they might be a bit miffed if you didn’t get them anything, so best to err on the side of caution.

Card that has a donation to a particular charity the birthday person supports?

They don't want alcohol Nutty

Why on earth would they be miffed that their explicitly stated wishes were followed? This is insanity and its why socialising is so often more hassle than its worth.

No nice person would be angry when a gift is exchanged

Not outwardly no, however inwardly there’re probably thinking “ffs, I’m trying to eat healthily/cut down on my drinking/de clutter I said no presents because I didn’t want more chocolate/wine/bloody scented candles but now because I’m a nice person I have to smile and say thank you not tell them I don’t want their present” .

No nice person would be angry when a gift is exchanged

No nice person would be angry when someone who was asked not to bring a gift, obliged by not bringing a gift. A nice person might also be inconvenienced and irritated by someone who ignored a specific request to not bring gifts and saddled them with more clutter to find a space for.

I take booze or chocolates in such circumstances, something consumable because we all have too much stuff!