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AIBU?

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Original poster

When people say "presence not presents" on an invitation?

117 replies

Holidayaddict · 05/01/2020 22:50

We've been invited to a surprise party for a good friend and neighbour's significant birthday and her DH has written that on the invitation. Do we take him at his word and just take a nice card or still take a small gift? If so, any ideas? Sure she'll have lots of flowers and doesn't really drink. Grateful if anyone could advise on correct etiquette! Thank you x

OP posts:
EntropyRising · 06/01/2020 10:30

I was invited to a Diwali party last year and it was a no-presents thing, I got them one of the Oxfam charity gifts that was India-specific.

ItsGoingTibiaK · 06/01/2020 10:32

Why is this so hard to understand? The invitation is really clear. Are you going to go the wrong venue on the wrong day as well, because surely you know better than them?

The people who are adamant they would take something anyway are quite interesting. Clearly, for them, giving a gift is all about them rather than the recipient. They care only how the giving of a gift reflects on them rather than what the person actually wants.

And who on Earth goes to a party at a hall with a bar and takes some chocolates to pass around? Just weird!

Ponoka7 · 06/01/2020 10:38

Is he going to have a drink? If so that means a taxi home. They've hired a hall so there's no mess for them to clean up.

They don't want to be carrying stuff home and dealing with it.

Chocolates have to be stored and taken to a food bank. Alcohol donationed to somewhere else. Gifts taken during the narrow opening times of a charity shop.

You're giving them hassle by taking something. When all they want is a good night with friends. Give them that.

OlaEliza · 06/01/2020 10:43

'Presence not presents' means money in a card, or nothing, to me. Why give a gift when people have specifically asked you not to?

TARSCOUT · 06/01/2020 10:56

Had a party for 40 at local restaurant for DP 50th. We asked prescience not presents and thankfully everyone bar 2 took notice of our requests. This was annoying and made for some others feeling uncomfortable as they hadn't brought anything which is what we asked. Seriously still annoyed at those 2! If you are that close and you still feel the need to go against their wishes give them.a.token gift on their actual birthday but not at party.

ItsGoingTibiaK · 06/01/2020 11:03

We asked prescience not presents

I assume everyone knew this already?! 😉

tinselvestsparklepants · 06/01/2020 11:21

We asked for this for our wedding. We genuinely didn't want stuff and indeed quite dread Christmas and birthdays because we are still often given things we just don't want, so it means guilt / hassle getting rid. Why oh why can't people accept that some people don't like being given gifts? It's really controlling behaviour when they've specifically requested to not have them.

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 06/01/2020 11:27

But it’s a bit weird to say that on behalf of someone else!

What if she wants presents?

yellowmelon · 06/01/2020 11:27

I'd take a nice potted plant - longer lasting than flowers and she won't need to source a vase!

Ishotmrburns · 06/01/2020 11:37

I said this exact phrase on my wedding invitations and I truly meant it. Quite a few people brought gifts and I felt bad because I suspected that they felt they had to, even though I'd said not to. I received a birthday party invitation recently which had a note at the bottom which simply said "No gifts please". This phrase makes it pretty clear that they actually mean it. It made me wonder if some people saying "presence not presents" would really like a present but are just being polite. It's all so confusing.

I think something very small and thoughtful - like homemade biscuits or a nice bottle of their favourite gin etc - could be acceptable if you feel weird turning up empty handed.

saraclara · 06/01/2020 11:38

@yellowmelon I don't get it. The instruction is no presents. Why get a plant that they have to get home somehow after the party? Why get anything at all? He's specifically said "not presents".

TheBeesKnee · 06/01/2020 11:41

It's rude to turn up empty handed. I couldn't allow myself to do this

In such circumstances I would take a perishable gift (chocolate, wine, gin) or a gift card.

1300cakes · 06/01/2020 11:59

But it’s a bit weird to say that on behalf of someone else!

But it's her husband. He knows her better than anyone and knows what she likes or wouldn't like. They have probably discussed it before.

BarkandCheese · 06/01/2020 12:18

It’s not rude to turn up empty handed when you’ve been asked to! It’s rude to ignore specific instructions and do the opposite of what was asked of you.

katzenellenbogen · 06/01/2020 12:27

It's rude to turn up empty handed

What the actual fuck is wrong with people?
They don't want pot plants, alcohol, chocolates, gift cards or any other random bit of shite.

You are the rude one. No presents. Learn to read.

It doesn't say no non-perishable presents. They don't want any presents. This shouldn't be a hard concept to grasp.

Batqueen · 06/01/2020 12:31

I’d bring a posh cordial or other nice non-alcoholic drink. Again a token gift that will easily be used up but equally I wouldn’t feel obliged to bring more than a card

ShowOfHands · 06/01/2020 14:03

@Batqueen do you want to come to my birthday party? I'm teetotal and always say no presents not because I don't like gifts but because it's always arsing wine. People know I'm teetotal. So why the FUCK do they turn up with "nice wine" "some fizz" "champagne". I give it to them as they leave because I have feck all use for alcohol.

I like gingerbread and Earl Grey and lemon or apple sweets and fruit teas. Buy a box of peppermint tea ffs. I don't want your BOGOF Pinot.

Alaimo · 06/01/2020 14:36

We said no presents when we got married, and we meant it. We still got a few token gifts, which were mostly things we did not want or need and would have gladly done without.

Batqueen · 06/01/2020 14:36

I’m there! I shall bring you Fruity tea, cordial and schloer!

saraclara · 06/01/2020 14:40

It's rude to turn up empty handed. I couldn't allow myself to do this

Jesus wept. It's rude to ignore a specific request from someone.
You are being entirely selfish and thinking of how you feel, and not how the person who made the request feels.

It boggles my mind that there are people so lacking in comprehension and empathy.

StillWeRise · 06/01/2020 14:51

people have such strange ideas about what is polite and thoughtful!
If OP really is struggling with the idea she could ask party woman's DH what charity she supports and make a donation- this is truly a good opportunity for a charity goat!

ShirleyPhallus · 06/01/2020 15:31

If someone brought me a bottle of cordial as a gift I’d think they honestly lost their marbles

Batqueen · 06/01/2020 15:39

@Shirley I would too if it was for my cider drinking brother or my wine loving dp, but my friend on lots of meds and a low income was super excited about one of the cordials around my house! It’s about getting a gift appropriate for the individual no? And the number of people suggesting wine when the OP has mentioned the birthday person doesn’t really drink is a bit ridiculous. . .

RedskyAtnight · 06/01/2020 15:40

I think the number of people on this thread who

  • think it's rude not to bring a gift even if explicitly asked not to and/or
  • think it's fine to take a bottle of wine as a gift for someone who doesn't drink alcohol

... need to think about why they think these things. Giving people gifts they don't want is the very opposite of generous.

Baileys4two · 06/01/2020 15:52

They've said no gifts, so just a card is fine.

If you want tho invite her out for coffee or something to celebrate it at a later date, just put a note in the card to that effect.