To give up trying to have a meaningful place in my dcs life

[Amaretto]

So we've had another weekend where DH took the dcs out for their 'hobby' whilst I stayed at home. Nothing else exists apart from that hobby, one that I can't join in due to health reasons.
All weekends, every single weekend, is taken up by that. Events are written down on the calendar and it's just full. The bits that arent (like some saturday mornings) are used to do the food shopping and the like.
I feel like a spare part useful to get some bits and bobs, take them shopping for clothes/shoes and that's about it.

I have tried many times to explain to dh that I want to spend with my own children but it's falling into deaf ears. I've tried to force some 1-1 time with them (like going out for lunch) and I've managed that about twice with each of them in 6 months. There is ALWAYS something more important (like that hobby :(. If its not that, it's going to see PIL etc...). I very much feel I would have more opportunities to see my own dcs if I was seeing them EOW because I coud be in charge of what we do rather than automatically see everything being taken over by DH again.

I feel down and like I never have the opportunity to build up a meaningful relationship with them and never will.

I am not joking when i was say I wouod see thsoe two teens more if I was divorced and they were coming EOW.

You sound very dramatic and jealous of the closeness your DH has with the kids tbh.

We dont have a TV, never have. As a result, as a family, we dont really spend time watching programs/films.

Well get yourself one

I only ever see my teenagers when they come out of their pits for food or when giving them a lift somewhere with their friends. It's normal.

So you could spend Monday evening with them but you don’t and are asking us for suggestions?

I think you’ve become stuck and resentful as a result, which has led to a lot of finger pointing and handwringing. You’re demanding your children and H make time for you but you don’t appear to be or want to be proactive in making time for them.

Go out for dinner on a Monday night, Have games night with pizza. The idea that EOW would miraculously free up time with your children is wishful thinking considering no one is pressuring them to do their hobby.

I get it, you’re feeling taken for granted and are feeling sorry for yourself but if you truly want to spend time with your children, then you have to be open to comprise too.

is monopolising every free moment of their children’s lives for his own enjoyment and happiness
I'm not sure it's about monopolising the DCs for her DH since OP says he was like this before DCs. For OP, it's about a competition to spend time with the DCs but for her DH it sounds as though it's about cover to continue his hobby without taking into account OP. I wonder how much time the DCs spend with their DF at the hobby. They might not interact that much at all.

Could you encourage them to do the local parkrun

Parkrun may be good fun, but it isn't an alternative to climbing or fell running. It just isn't. Whatever the exact sport is - it clearly takes place in the proper outdoors, not in a park.

No advice but just understanding! You are hurt because your DH is not hearing you, neglecting you and being selfish. He’s not acting like a partner in life. I hope you can find a way to make him listen.

Next time they are out at the hobby, why don't you go any buy yourself a TV and a netflix account. Then you can start binge watching some of the great stuff that is available.

I bet you might find the boys would come join you for that some evenings.

We don't have a TV, never have. As a result, as a family, we don't really spend time watching programs/films

We don't have one either, never have.
However we do watch things together-probably more than if we had one. We watch on the computer, and the children bring down their duvets and flop on the floor. Because of that we did decide to get a TV license when they brought in needing one for iPlayer. You can watch DVDs on computers too.

They all have loved nature documentaries, Robot Wars, Bake off etc. They don't necessarily all come running for the same one, but they all have ones that they will come and watch.
DD1 will always want to watch bake off, dd2-Robot wars, Ds the Lifeboat one really caught his fancy. But things like Blue Planet was popular with them all.

Also both dd1 and ds (at different times) got into Allo Allo, and we'd watch an episode a week on Sunday night.

Sometimes it's been a case of saying "I would like to watch this. I'll do popcorn and get lemonade, and I would love it if you can watch the first episode". Pick it carefully, and then they may be asking to watch the next.

@PickwickThePlockingDodo, its not jealousy. Its a very deep fear that my relationship with my dcs is disappearing in front of my eyes and that by the time they will leave to go to Uni, there will be nothing left.
And that I will have 'lost' my dcs as a result.

I am NOT jealous of dh. The reason I engineer to them 3 to start that hobby WAS to develop that bond between DH and the dcs (saying theye werent close at the time was an understatement).
I would be ressentful if the consequence of that was that I lost my relationhsip with the dcs.

I don’t think it’s a competition. From first reading, sure. But taking into account further context and nuance, this is about OP’s relationship with her husband, which is not meaningful, loving or kind. In trying to fill some of that loneliness, and because her husband is a selfish, entitled and uncaring man who she probably doesn’t want to have to spend much time with, consciously or not, she wants to have meaningful interactions with her children instead (which is perfectly reasonable). However all time is swallowed up by what the husband wants.

@Amaretto I think you’re on the right track - look for things you can do with them easily and comfortably at home, without it being a big ‘event’ or thing that has to be scheduled.

Think also, about whether or not it’s time to call time on this marriage.

Could you encourage them to do the local parkrun

Please don't do that, OP. If you set yourself up in opposition to The Hobby, you will lose. Don't make this about wanting them to do less of the hobby. Don't make it about your own needs because then they will feel that spending time with you is a chore. Have a chat with them when DH is not there. Say that you are so proud of how well they are doing at fell running (or whatever it is). You understand that it takes up a lot of the weekend, but you don't mind because you are so proud of how good they are and how much they enjoy it. But, as you can't do fell running yourself, you would like some ideas of activities the three of you can do at other times. Give them some of the suggestions on here, plus any others they make themselves, and let them choose. Make it a positive thing - you facilitating them doing something else they enjoy - and not a negative thing - asking them to do less of their hobby to please you.

Once they have chosen, DH either joins in or lumps it. He doesn't get a vote, because this is about them, not him.

@Amaretto Please take heart that although it’s quite natural for children to disengage at around this age for a few years, they do come back.

I think I'd consider talking to your DC. They're old enough to understand. Not guilt tripping them or anything but explaining your point of view. Then suggest a film or pizza night on the Friday and/or Saturday morning Starbucks

The issue isn’t the teenagers. They should be out doing a hobby or being with their friends. I can’t get my two to go for cake or clothes shop with me. Infact I can’t really think what I do with them now apart from eat with them and nag them.

Your problem is your DH spending all of his free time on the hobby. You need to talk to him and agree a compromise where he spends time with his wife.

So you introduced them to a hobby, which your DH also does. They enjoy it and want to spend time doing it with their Father. How an earth you've turned this into a negative is beyond me. You sound like hard work.

If it wasn't for your dh doing the hobby with the dc, at their ages they probably wouldn't be spending any time with your anyway. I think a lot of you inc OP are a bit unrealistic about what's normal for 15 and 16 year olds. Most teens would be out with mates, boyfriends and girlfriends, pursuing their own interests, sleeping til gone lunch time and avoiding people by staying in their bedrooms gaming and listening to moody music. Leave them be.

There is no risk I am going to set myself in opposition to the hobby.

On the dcs pov, it brings them a lot on a lot of different levels and I wouldnt want to change that for the world.

@Ninkanink, thank for your input. Very insightful.

I would have counselling yourself if you can for you sure have a selfish awful husband who ignores your needs and you need to decide what to do about that.

It might be that given your children are already very busy several nights a week they don't want to go out after school on a Monday in an official sense, mine just like lolling around- but I was thinking about it and there are lots of little ways you can spend time with your children and show them you care without necessarily going the whole 'you must spend an evening with me'- so things I do are- take them a cup of tea and some breakfast before school (yes, might seem a bit pandering, but shouting 'here's your cuppa' is a point of contact), asking what they'd like if you are going shopping so their treats/food they like is on the shopping list, cooking together even if it's basic stuff like pasta- get them to cut stuff, make a salad, make it a joint enterprise once or twice a week, drive them places like to friends houses or even to the dreaded hobby (time for a chat) ask them about their homework/friends/pop into their room (with another cuppa) in the evenings - after 7pm is fine, watch some shows together, not on TV but on the computer and chat about them, go shopping for anything together, clothes/food/presents for their friends, get a takeaway and get the stuff they like- basically find opportunities for chatting and listening, it doesn't have to be about doing tiring activities which you may struggle with and they don't want to do anyway.

If you live in the same house then there are lots of points of contact you can have- it's just about proactively seeking them out a bit. Obviously most of the time they will be on the phone to their friends/out/doing their hobby/homework, but that's normal.

I really do suggest counselling though as I think you need an outlet as you sound frustrated and angry about your shit husband and that will be coming over to the children who may be torn between you- so find a place to dump that anger away from them, and start just being 'mum who is always around' which is reassuring and nice for teenagers, even if they are not constantly wanting to actively spend time with you in a formal way.

I agree the watching TV programmes together. My teens and I have watched a lot of films over Christmas. My 17 year old loves bake off, apprentice, army/navy programmes whilst my younger teen likes nature programmes. I will watch the programmes with them. I even got them to watch a Christmas special of One Foot in the Grave and they were giggling away.

I would definitely be getting a tv OP and a netflix account . DH doesnt need to watch it. Ask your dc for some suggestions. I guarantee they have been watching most of the series their mates have. You may find they come in and watch the odd half hour with you

I try and cherish the small moments and being glad DH is happy and involved.

Yes, but DH is ‘happy and involved’ to the detriment of the OP. You say happy and involved, I say selfish, thoughtless fucker.

It's usual for teens that age to be off doing their own thing.

Personally it seems the issue is that dh does this hobby all weekend. He should be making time and effort to do something with you as he's your spouse. You are the ones who should be sharing a life. The dcs are at the age they are learning to forge their own paths in preparation for meeting their own spouses and having families of their own.

Obviously I meant discuss with the dh not the dc. I would have thought it would be obvious given how stupid that would be to place on the kids .

OP

Fact is - you’re exaggerating but I don’t think intentionally. Probably really does feel like you have no time with them. When you do but let’s be honest - teenagers aren’t likely to suggest a board game or a coffee and chat, so the time you do have - is probably spent with them doing their own thing in their bedrooms and you doing your thing.

Be supportive, kind and loving. Travel in fact your children are doing something so good for them.

And please refrain from drama llama language like giving up on having a relationship with your children.

start just being 'mum who is always around' which is reassuring and nice for teenagers
That I know I am. Thanks for that. Its actually reassuring to hear.