To give up trying to have a meaningful place in my dcs life

[Amaretto]

So we've had another weekend where DH took the dcs out for their 'hobby' whilst I stayed at home. Nothing else exists apart from that hobby, one that I can't join in due to health reasons.
All weekends, every single weekend, is taken up by that. Events are written down on the calendar and it's just full. The bits that arent (like some saturday mornings) are used to do the food shopping and the like.
I feel like a spare part useful to get some bits and bobs, take them shopping for clothes/shoes and that's about it.

I have tried many times to explain to dh that I want to spend with my own children but it's falling into deaf ears. I've tried to force some 1-1 time with them (like going out for lunch) and I've managed that about twice with each of them in 6 months. There is ALWAYS something more important (like that hobby :(. If its not that, it's going to see PIL etc...). I very much feel I would have more opportunities to see my own dcs if I was seeing them EOW because I coud be in charge of what we do rather than automatically see everything being taken over by DH again.

I feel down and like I never have the opportunity to build up a meaningful relationship with them and never will.

I think I would sit down with the children, not with your husband present, and talk to them honestly. Tell them what it was like when they were little and how their dad just wanted to do his own thing, but then you engineered it so that they did it with him and as a result you feel you're losing them. Don't be afraid to get upset - it's an incredibly upsetting situation for you. You are being isolated from your own children in your own home.

Tell them you wish you could be involved with an activity like that but you just can't be. Tell them you don't feel there's any point in you being there - be very blunt.

And if you don't leave now, I hope you do leave that fucker when your children leave home. He's a bastard for treating you like that.

Amaretto Please take heart that although it’s quite natural for children to disengage at around this age for a few years, they do come back.

There is no certainty whatsoever.
What invariably determines is how the parent responds to the withdrawal

I can understand why this is frustrating and upsetting for you OP.
Can I ask... what is your ideal solution to the problem? You’ve said you don’t want them to give up the hobby that they evidently love, so what would you like to happen?

Please please ignore Hollow’s advice above

Oh goodness, my best friend has a DH like this (his hobby is mountaineering). Fortunately the DC have a wider range of interests. Men like this often don't change. It's funny though how female friends of mine can somehow pursue sport seriously without dumping their partner.

Perhaps your DH has some misguided idea that he is helping you out by doing all this sporty stuff, given your illness.

It would be worth talking to a counsellor, I think. Either individually to explore your worries or with DH to articulate how your illness affects you.

Of course. I didn’t feel it necessary to add caveats for every eventuality.

In cases where children feel loved and cared for, and communication is kept open in the teenage years, and parents manage their children’s natural disengagement carefully and respectfully whilst keeping boundaries and behaviours healthy, the children will eventually come back.

They are likely only spending time with your dh because of the hobby. Most 15 and 16 year olds spend very little time with their parents and are usually with their friends or on the computer! It sounds like you are equating this as your dh choosing to exclude you. Only you know whether he is deliberately being a thoughtless twat and arranging things he knows you can't join in with or whether he is just facilitating stuff that he and the boys enjoy. Are you stuck at home alone? If so you need to be speaking to your dh about doing things together too or finding friends to spend time with. Maybe if you were busier you wouldn't feel so excluded??

I don't see why children of 15/16 shouldn't be told that the OP feels isolated - that she wishes she could join in but can't.

I meant to add that pre university DC often love the shop and cook a meal on a budget challenge. I used to love the time of year when my sixth formers would offer me whatever random noodle thing they'd created!

PickwickThePlockingDodo, its not jealousy. Its a very deep fear that my relationship with my dcs is disappearing in front of my eyes and that by the time they will leave to go to Uni, there will be nothing left.

Well then tell your kids - I'm not seeing enough of you, so from now on Monday nights are my nights with you, we'll get a takeaway and watch a film or whatever. Your DH can bugger off somewhere and you can spend time with them then. Simple.

Tell them you wish you could be involved with an activity like that but you just can't be. Tell them you don't feel there's any point in you being there - be very blunt

Do not do this- this is not their problem to solve! Most teens aren't spending heaps of quality time with their mums every weekend, be realistic. Why should they feel guilty about enjoying a very nice sounding outdoors hobby!

The issue is with the dad's dismissiveness, him not seeking out other times for the family to be together and the OP's sense of not being heard. She probably has as much time with her children as most parents of teens- not that much. It's how it is being constructed, as time with dad and only with dad, that is the problem.

At that age, I think the unusual thing isn't that they don't spend their weekends with you, it's that they do spend them with their dads (which inherently leaves you on your own), and that's what I'd talk to DH about - him making more time to spend with you

This.

I never ‘hung out’ with my parents at that age. If you can talk to them, let them know they can confide in you, be a listening ear if and when they need one, that is amazing and enough!

I agree with being there for those moments when they want to come and tell you something of monumental importance to them - my 15 yr old DS does this, he pops out of his room, tells me something on his mind and disappears again. I don't take offence because I know it's important to him to have a sounding board and I am happy to be one. I also try and give small hugs, arm squeezes etc here and there, to show affection without being overbearing.
Ask a few questions about the youtube clips they're watching, get them to plan and help prepare a meal, chat about their hobby even though it pisses you off.
Be a solid loving presence in their lives. Build a relationship with them based on the small everyday things. They won't forget you OP, they'll come back to you

Well yes Hollow - but that wasn’t exactly what you advised in your previous post!

look for things you can do with them easily and comfortably at home, without it being a big ‘event’ or thing that has to be scheduled

This is definitely the best approach. Teenagers don't respond well to being pressured or guilted into things, but will enjoy stuff that's relaxed and easy. I think the idea of starting a box set (maybe watching on a laptop?) is a good one. Box sets usually turn into something that you have to watch together (it's considered a bit off to watch the next episode without your regular viewing partner(s)), and therefore a social event.

Your DH sounds like a very selfish uncaring arse.
While I agree it’s good for your dcs to be out and keeping fit it’s not fair on you.
I might tell your dcs that you miss them and want to spend time with them, could they do something with you once a week.
No point telling your DH he is selfish. Not fair to leave you out because if your ME.
Bit of cod psychology here but he obviously thinks it is a competition between you two and he wants the dcs all to himself.

@lovemenorca Which bit do you object to?

I think I would sit down with the children, not with your husband present, and talk to them honestly. Tell them what it was like when they were little and how their dad just wanted to do his own thing, but then you engineered it so that they did it with him and as a result you feel you're losing them. Don't be afraid to get upset - it's an incredibly upsetting situation for you. You are being isolated from your own children in your own home.

Tell them you wish you could be involved with an activity like that but you just can't be. Tell them you don't feel there's any point in you being there - be very blunt.

And if you don't leave now, I hope you do leave that fucker when your children leave home. He's a bastard for treating you like that.

I agree with what others are saying. The behavior of not spending much time with parents is normal at this age. And it hurts!

It’s just that you and DH would normally be going through this together and be able to rely upon one another. Instead he’s neglecting you and the marriage and exacerbating the problem. I would focus on that.

OP, it's so sad to read all of this.

You obviously know there's a lot more going on even than your OP suggests.

Nobody on here can sort that out for you - but I will just add to those who say that you are doing an enormous amount with your teenagers, just by being there. I know it doesn't feel as if you're doing anything at all, but you really are. You are the solidity that enables them to go off and do their hobby with your DH, means they will no doubt go on and have great adult lives, etc, etc.

FWIW, my experience of teenagers is that there is no 'one size fits all'. I have loads in common with my 17 yr old (son), but the only thing I have in common with my 15 yr old daughter is that we are both female.

My 17 yo does some stuff with me, and lots of stuff with his friends. My 15 yo sulks in her room and appears when she needs food or money. She spends all her free time with her friends. That said, she does talk to me - though only ever when I'm dead tired and about to go to sleep.

I don't have a TV either, and never have had. However, I've bought a TV licence so DD can watch TV, and I have sat and watched things with her on her laptop. Some of them aren't my cup of tea, but it is good to see what she's watching. She's always quite friendly when we do that.

I know that your problem is very different - but I suppose I'm trying to say that there's no guarantee that you would see your DC even if they spent less time doing their and DH's hobby.

(This, obviously, doesn't solve the DH problem).

I was on the other side of this, too, in that XH did absolutely nothing with our DC, other than abuse them. I can also tell you that EOW doesn't work with older teenagers; they come and go as they please. Yours might be a case for mentally detaching yourself from your marriage, whilst staying physically present. I suspect your DC haven't got a clue that anything is wrong, and divorce is a very long and hard road, with no guarantees at the end of it.

It's also really alarming to hear how many of the mothers on this site think it's okay to guilt their kids over something like this - telling them that you're considering separation due to them isolating you etc... truly horrific and emotionally abusive, when all the kids are doing is pursuing an activity they love. They definitely aren't at fault.

(I know that you haven't said anything like this OP, just alarmed by some of the suggestions you're getting.)

OP- you say you know that you a mum who is nice to be around... they will come back to you. Kids do drift back once they grow past the self obsessed been years, particularly if their parent has been a constant positive presence in their lives through all that.

I think I would sit down with the children, not with your husband present, and talk to them honestly. Tell them what it was like when they were little and how their dad just wanted to do his own thing, but then you engineered it so that they did it with him and as a result you feel you're losing them. Don't be afraid to get upset - it's an incredibly upsetting situation for you. You are being isolated from your own children in your own home.

This is an absolutely dreadful idea. It'll feel like a guilt trip, and it essentially puts the DC in the position of choosing between their parents. It is pretty much always a bad idea to badmouth one parent to the children, no matter how justified it is.

Really don't go down the emotional blackmail route. This is a problem with your dh, if anyone, and making it into your teens' problem will have the opposite effect to the one desired. MetallicPaints has good advice.

So shop when they're doing activity then family meal once they've finished? Tbh most 15/16 yos don't spend masses of time with a parent so maybe find a hobby for you.

^ teen years

'It's also really alarming to hear how many of the mothers on this site think it's okay to guilt their kids over something like this - telling them that you're considering separation due to them isolating you etc... truly horrific and emotionally abusive, when all the kids are doing is pursuing an activity they love. They definitely aren't at fault.'

Agree with this.