To give up trying to have a meaningful place in my dcs life

[Amaretto]

So we've had another weekend where DH took the dcs out for their 'hobby' whilst I stayed at home. Nothing else exists apart from that hobby, one that I can't join in due to health reasons.
All weekends, every single weekend, is taken up by that. Events are written down on the calendar and it's just full. The bits that arent (like some saturday mornings) are used to do the food shopping and the like.
I feel like a spare part useful to get some bits and bobs, take them shopping for clothes/shoes and that's about it.

I have tried many times to explain to dh that I want to spend with my own children but it's falling into deaf ears. I've tried to force some 1-1 time with them (like going out for lunch) and I've managed that about twice with each of them in 6 months. There is ALWAYS something more important (like that hobby :(. If its not that, it's going to see PIL etc...). I very much feel I would have more opportunities to see my own dcs if I was seeing them EOW because I coud be in charge of what we do rather than automatically see everything being taken over by DH again.

I feel down and like I never have the opportunity to build up a meaningful relationship with them and never will.

Could you make Monday night film night, start a new thing for the New Year?

Buy a telly and place it in the main family room. Equip it with netflix.

If you have no central place where you and the kids can gather and chill/ veg ...watching a film or whatever, that will make it harder.

If dh whines/moans/ sneers....so what? Ignore him.

maybe husband subconsciously busys himself with sons interests to avoid your company

The spending a hell of a lot of time doing his (outdoorsy) hobbies has alwys been there. Nothing new. It creted many issues when the dcs were babies and I was in my own at home dealing with two under two and he was going away for the day (in those days it was caving for those interested in the hobby ).
So no it isnt just about my illness.

Ugh I don’t like him at all.

Get yourself a little place of your own. Really. You should not stay in this marriage, it’s never going to be right for you. Do it for you and not specifically to see more of your children. That is a secondary issue at this stage.

Remember that your husband is modelling for your children how their relationships should work. The longer you accept this situation the longer you, too, are modelling the idea that you as a wife and mother do not count, that you feelings are not worthy of consideration, and that it’s okay for you to be treated this way. It’s not. That’s not what a loving and caring relationship looks like.

you areconsideringseparation due to them making it clear they have no care for you

Don't do this! No one should make kids feel responsible for the breakdown of their parents' marriage.

Separation is something to discuss with DH, not the kids.

Well I hate youtube too, I am def with your oh with that one. Such rubbish and some of it quite concerning. (Yes there is good stuff but kids find the rubbish.).

There is a lot of really good, interesting, informative stuff on YouTube.

OP I have a chronic pain condition and as my DC grew into a teen I got him to introduce me to some of his favourite TV programmes. I make myself watch them and actually do get into them (sometimes). But I love it when DC says, all excited, that Walking Dead or Peaky Blinders or whatever 🙄 is on tonight. So we get snacks and hunker down together in the TV room and enjoy sharing an activity. DH never joins us. Not sure why.
I completely understand that you want to make that connection with your DC. It’s important to make the transition from a parent child relationship to a parent - adult DC one.
I hope you find something that works for you.

Just wanted to say thanks you all.

I know that I have frustrated some of you but I have genuinely tried many many things before, most of which have been proposed.
However, this has also open my eyes on other things too, incl the importance of the small things I can do on a day to day basis with the dcs.
I now I need to keep my spoons as @TheLittleBrownFox said so I can do those things at the end of the day.

My situation is similar DC slightly younger but I feel grateful and glad they are off with DH spending time together. I see them after school and evening. You could have a hobby yourself. I read and go swim. You could do shopping when you like. In a few years they will be doing thier thing even more. In time we all need to let go

You don't sound like you like your DH much. If that's the case then by all means split up but don't do it under the false premise that you'll see more of your DCs.
I wonder if their hobby would bother you so much if DH wasn't there. It sounds as though you're viewing your relationship with them as a competition with DH's relationship with them. That's quite petty.
There are lots of activities you can do with them: cinema; walking (short walks); geocaching; escape room; board game.
You're very much focused on what you can't do (which I understand because my DP has ME and sometimes gets caught up in what he can't do rather than what he can) but there is lots you still can do.
Don't let your relationship with your DCs suffer because you're jealous of your DH or because you're frustrated with your condition.

"We dont have a TV, never have. As a result, as a family, we dont really spend time watching programs/films."

How about watching on a portable dvd player? Or streaming netflix or amazon prime on the laptop? Watching tv together sounds very banal but weirdly can become a good source of in-jokes, shared references, conversation etc. Low level sharing of interests - nothing too demanding!

I think you’re getting some harsh replies, OP. I completely understand why you feel excluded.

How would your DH feel if you took the DC out every weekend and left him behind? Ask him. Is he being purposely unkind or is he so obsessed by his hobby that he loves having ready-made companions in his DC and fails to see how much it’s affecting you?

Offload some of the domestic chores onto your DH and let him be the one to be away from his DC. Nurture a strong interest in the hobby (even if you don’t feel it). Make a point of asking your DC how they did, what they thought about X, Y and Z, remember the names of people and ask about them. Don’t ask your DH anything about the hobby. Even if he starts talking about it at the dinner table, turn the conversation round to the DC and ask them details.

I know the temptation must be to sit there upset or annoyed, but you need to play the game.

Can you encourage your DH to go out with friends and not do the hobby some weekends? Maybe get a friend to ask him? I’m presuming he drives the DC to the hobby? If he does and he’s not going, perhaps that would be an opportunity for you to arrange a really nice weekend for the DC?

It does sound like you’re being pushed out. Don’t let yourself be. Dig your heels in, claim what time you can. Movie nights, quick board games, some kind of long-running family competition like a quiz night or game thing where the DC are keen to take part to up their score.

Take minutes here and there to spend alone-time with them - popping in for a 5 min chat, or to offer a hot chocolate. It will all add up.

Don’t let this wear you down

OP, are you on board with the no TV thing, or is your DH dictating that?

If so, why? What is his issue?

One of the funny things my DCs do is to sometimes show me parts of videos of Pewdiepie, or memes (and then they laugh at me for being a boomer, and not getting it, but in a nice way , honest)

But seriously, why is your husband weird an sneery about TV, or are you both (all) serious luddites? What is his issue with TV?

I totally get you OP.

My DH introduced our two children to his hobby, which also started to take over our family time .
The oldest still does the hobby , the youngest stopped doing it at club level but continues to do it with her friends as and when.
I had a very frank discussion about it especially when the time spent and increasing entries into competition increased . I drew up a percentage chart to show how it was slowly swamping things .

My DH took this on board ( we were seriously heading into Mumsnet CF DH hobby obsession territory- in fact Mumsnet was the one that made me realise this wasn't on .)

I think you are past this stage . The resentment and your DhS lack of prioritising the whole family relationship has pretty much destroyed any change .

I think you have a way in with your children's interest in YouTube , I would take an interest in this with it ( my children are 17/12) and we all watch stuff on YouTube and play games online .

I also take my children out for a bite to eat/dinner one day a week,after my longest working day ( saves cooking) and this is the time I find out most about my children and this gives us our own relationship dynamic.

I try and cherish the small moments and being glad DH is happy and involved. In some families I know the DH just seems to go off to the pub

Don't tell the kids youre planning to separate because of them! In an ideal world, would you like them to - join in your hobby, do something at home, reduce the commitment to, or just stop doing the joint hobby with DH?

For now, try to make dinner time as nice as possible, it can be a nice point in the day where you can all spend time together (though your H does sound more and more of an arse)

I personally think you need to get a grip (sorry) its all part and parcel of having teens. I barely see my 15yo unless hes wanting something thats just the way it is, their not babies anymore theyve grown up and have other interests

It's cycling, isn't it?

NO.

They wouldn’t be separating because of the children.

They’d be separating because the husband in question is a selfish, entitled, uncaring man who dismisses his wife, overrules her at every turn, pushes her out and doesn’t accept that she has a serious and debilitating health condition. He doesn’t cherish her, doesn’t listen to her, and is monopolising every free moment of their children’s lives for his own enjoyment and happiness, without ever considering hers.

He sounds thoroughly unlikeable.

Online shopping, then spend Saturday mornings with them, take them for breakfast.

Is it running? Could you encourage them to do the local parkrun then you could volunteer to help?

OP has already said, multiple times, that she is aware that this is about her not-so-‘dear’ husband, NOT about the children.

Would you want to spend time with your husband?
Monday nights don't have to be a stay in thing either. They are old enough to stay up later you can go to the cinema with dinner out or an escape the room experience. Comedy night? Snooker hall local to you take them out for a couple of cokes and a game of pool. Even costa are open late so you could just go for a coffee.
When they get in Monday tell them to go and get changed as you are taking them out H can fend for himself.