To give up trying to have a meaningful place in my dcs life

[Amaretto]

So we've had another weekend where DH took the dcs out for their 'hobby' whilst I stayed at home. Nothing else exists apart from that hobby, one that I can't join in due to health reasons.
All weekends, every single weekend, is taken up by that. Events are written down on the calendar and it's just full. The bits that arent (like some saturday mornings) are used to do the food shopping and the like.
I feel like a spare part useful to get some bits and bobs, take them shopping for clothes/shoes and that's about it.

I have tried many times to explain to dh that I want to spend with my own children but it's falling into deaf ears. I've tried to force some 1-1 time with them (like going out for lunch) and I've managed that about twice with each of them in 6 months. There is ALWAYS something more important (like that hobby :(. If its not that, it's going to see PIL etc...). I very much feel I would have more opportunities to see my own dcs if I was seeing them EOW because I coud be in charge of what we do rather than automatically see everything being taken over by DH again.

I feel down and like I never have the opportunity to build up a meaningful relationship with them and never will.

I think that the big problem here is that your DC are doing the hobby with your DH. I wonder if you would feel as upset about it if they were off doing their own thing every weekend leaving you and DH to your own devices? Probably not. I can understand why you feel so abandoned and ignored in these circumstances and I think I would too. It seems that DH is getting all the fun times with the DCs and you’re not being considered at all. Would DH consider dialling it back a bit and letting your DCs do this hobby on their own for two weekends a month so that you and he could do something childfree together?

@Amaretto as it has been said it seems you and DH are probably better apart for many reasons. However please don’t think that you will then get to see your DC EOW as they are old enough to now to decide that they would not want to miss their hobby, what might happen is you see them less.

I don’t want to encourage you to stay but you also have to go into it with your eyes open.

Sorry.

As others have said it’s not a DC problem it’s a DH one. You have repeatedly told him how you feel and he has repeatedly failed to listen and act.
I suggest marriage counselling.

This suggestion will sound very boring and unadventurous, but it can be very relaxed and fun to just watch a particular tv show together - maybe have pizza at the same time? Better in some ways than watching a film at home because it's shorter, so not such a time commitment for teen dc with gcses to revise for etc.

My suggestions depending on your dc's interests - embark on a Friendsathon right from the beginning (I know it's not still to everyone's taste but if they like it you have a lot of episodes - should last you to age 18!) , Game of Thrones or Breaking Bad (never watched it but I gather they are both gripping), maybe Brooklyn 99?

And how about brunch on Saturday morning - I think another pp has suggested it. Somewhere close and quick - dteens like to get things done!

Yes. Fell running is a hobby. Is it really that niche that people don't believe it exists?

Clearly yes
With all the comments about not understanding what it is I thought I had hallucinated the OPs post!

No doubt the guessing will continue though.

It seems that DH is getting all the fun times with the DCs and you’re not being considered at all.

That's a very good way to out it @AlexaAmbidextra

I think you are resentful that your DH hasn’t changed his lifestyle to account for your illness and you’ve completely adapted the mindset of being a victim in all this. It’s not helpful and will do nothing to improve your situation, rather it will make it worse. Understandably it’s hard, but the change needs to come from you otherwise you’ll drive them away because they’ll feel your anger and resentment.

Actually is there a reason you would need to have them EOW? Perhaps they could still live with you...

that sounds tough OP, the kids are a bit thoughtless (normal for teens) but DH sounds selfish and a bit uncaring, this needs addressing.

What does he say if you tell him you feel excluded and sad about it?

I have two teen boys, and lots of hobbies going on in this house.

My boys do not exactly actively want to spend time with me . not in a nasty way, it's just that oldest is 17 and has his own life, a serious girlfriend he spends lots of time with, and lots of hobbies (music, gigs).

The younger one (15) just want to do his very extensive martial arts stuff (some of it with DH), hang out with his mates or chill on the X-Box/Netflix alone.

So maybe it is just how it is at this age.

What I try to do, and what might work for you, is try and share some of their interests. For example, I watched a Starwars movie with them yesterday at home (Rogue One), we discussed it over dinner, it is a way to include myself in their world, we all liked it. We also watch tv series like "The Office" or "friends" every now and then. We also have dinner together most nights, but sometimes that is all I see of them for the day.

I have started to become very hobby focused myself, and accept the boys need me less, and just go out and do my own thing a lot.

It's not always easy, you have my sympathy! And your husband shoudl really be more supportive and caring!

OP - is the reason this has come to a head for you because the FRA annual handbook arrived this weekend and he's populated your calendar for the year with races? You have my sympathy, anyway.

I do outdoor hobbies myself, but am not as obsessive as many. There is something about certain hobbies that inspires a lot of selfishness in a certain type of man though.

However please don’t think that you will then get to see your DC EOW as they are old enough to now to decide that they would not want to miss their hobby, what might happen is you see them less.

Which then takes me back to my question. Why do I bother if they dont want to spend time with me anyway?

I took a sport very seriously in my teen years (20 hours a week usyally) and ended up doing it internationally.
I'd have been really sad if my mum had stopped me so careful how you approach it .
They must get one night off a week (otherwise theyve got terrible coaches). Cant you utilise that for a pizza night?

Also, without being harsh, in 2 years time theyll most likely be gone anyway. Maybe this is a way to ease into it?

I thought it was obvious it was fell running / orienteering, or something very similar, ages ago.

What happened over the Christmas break, did you spend any family time together?

Teens do drift away from their parents. It's natural. They do usually drift back once the teen years are over and they start to get less selfish, and prepared to invest more effort in family relationships.

It's a coincidence that your DC love the same hobby as your DH, which will make it feel as though they ate actively choosing him over you. They aren't though - they are choosing the thing they enjoy.

Is your DH punishing you for your illness?

Or is he trying to push you into doing more than you are capable of (e.g. by making family time revolve around outdoor pursuits), so he can 'prove' that you are not as ill as you are?

You sound hard work. Unrtil last year my husband spent every other wk end clibing/ scrambling/ kayaking. Sometimes I or the kids join in sometimes not. But he wouldn,t in theiry stop me doing what I wanted to do. So whilst there off running or what ever you findsomething you enjoy. Time with kids can mean, watching a movie together coking together talking about school, how about you all start a family book club or something like that. (My oh can no longer do the activities and now feals very isolated so whilst someone can do a hobby don,t begrusge it.)

Orienteering or scrambling or cross country running or some such thing. It's fair enough that the OP wants a tiny shred of anonymity.

Amaretto I feel for you, I really do. It seems as if it wasn't for the children and perhaps your illness and their shared hobby that you and your H would be long parted. It sounds like there's not much to like about him any more?

If you said to yourself that okay, my marriage is over but it is convenient for me to not tell him, what would you do differently? (As a thought exercise). It might be a weight off your shoulders if you no longer felt obliged to cook meals he enjoyed, or do anything to facilitate his fun. Maybe you'd stop washing his grundies. Maybe that would free up some your precious spoons to do something nicer for you or with your dc.

Monday night suggestions: you pick them up from school, head out for an early tea, maybe cinema afterwards. Often a car drive with just two people leads to the most lovely of conversations.

Or bake cookies night, you and your DC. Or pizza night, with one or both helping make pizzas with you in the kitchen.

Or takeaway night - take it in turns to choose which take away.

Two player games on a console? A trip to Costa for coffee/hot chocolate and a cake? A nice patisserie in town with just you and each DC in turn, bringing something home for the others. Make sure they know you are available to them for reading essays and help with homework or revising.

@ChickenyChick, I fully agree with you re sharing some of their interests. Except that they dont really have any other interests :(
We dont have a TV, never have. As a result, as a family, we dont really spend time watching programs/films.

The dcs have learnt not to mention what they are watching on YouTube thanks to DH sneering at the idea.

It's cycling, isn't it?

Husbands on here always seem to have cycling as their "avoid the family" hobby.

Yours has taken it a step further to "avoid mother".

And can I ask why everyone gets so twee about :the hobby" when they post these threads? What's wrong with saying "cycling" or "stamp collecting" or "pony riding" or "hiking" - unless it's "lion-taming" or "abseiling down famous landmarks" it's hardly going to be identifying, even if OP has got a condition that stops her participating - and most posters haven't.

Your DH sounds like he's very selfish, insensitive and possibly a controlling and manipulative twat. Great for him that his two DC love his hobby and have taken it up with such enthusiasm but it also seems like he has engineered the family & home life situation to exclude you. He's not much of a life partner is he?
You can't be controlled by him laying on the grumpy attitude if you insist on some quality family time. Maybe speak to your DC separately and tell them you support their activity fully but would like to see a bit more of them. Your husband needs to include you and consider the family's happiness as a whole. The trick will be finding something to do together which does create meaningful bonds etc which no-one resents. It won't be long before they fly the nest.

How does your ME effect you mentally/ physically? Am sorry to say this but maybe husband subconsciously busys himself with sons interests to avoid your company. Do you and husband have a happy marriage?

So do you not have a tv because of DH?

Why don't you talk to them about what they watch on YouTube, ignore your DH.

The more you post about him, the more I dislike him

@TheLittleBrownFox, you've hit nail on the head there.
I am still trying to make things easy for him or take him into account when I am planning things even though he never does. Thanks for that!

You really shouldn't have to offer cinema trips, meals out etc to get to see your own kids. The problem with separation is that the dcs might choose to live with dad full time if they think they'll lose half the weekends every month to do their hobby.

I suggest a serious talk about show you feel and that you are considering separation due to them making it clear they have no care for you.