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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up trying to have a meaningful place in my dcs life

473 replies

Amaretto · 05/01/2020 15:06

So we've had another weekend where DH took the dcs out for their 'hobby' whilst I stayed at home. Nothing else exists apart from that hobby, one that I can't join in due to health reasons.
All weekends, every single weekend, is taken up by that. Events are written down on the calendar and it's just full. The bits that arent (like some saturday mornings) are used to do the food shopping and the like.
I feel like a spare part useful to get some bits and bobs, take them shopping for clothes/shoes and that's about it.

I have tried many times to explain to dh that I want to spend with my own children but it's falling into deaf ears. I've tried to force some 1-1 time with them (like going out for lunch) and I've managed that about twice with each of them in 6 months. There is ALWAYS something more important (like that hobby :(. If its not that, it's going to see PIL etc...). I very much feel I would have more opportunities to see my own dcs if I was seeing them EOW because I coud be in charge of what we do rather than automatically see everything being taken over by DH again.

I feel down and like I never have the opportunity to build up a meaningful relationship with them and never will.

OP posts:
TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 05/01/2020 19:04

What about your own friendships and things you enjoy doing? Do you have a friend/sister/cousin you could spend time with doing stuff you want to do over the weekend?

It's not the same but you'll be less isolated and at least be having some fun of your own.

Basilicaofthemind · 05/01/2020 19:05

The problem is definitely your husband. He is the one who has organised a 4 day trip where you’re left alone every day. Teens are self centred and won’t be worrying about you. I’m sure you tell them to go off and have fun so why would they? It’s your husband who is an adult who should realise it’s unacceptable to do this.

Thebookswereherfriends · 05/01/2020 19:06

What about the weekend evenings? Can you all go out for a meal/bowling/ whatever on a Sunday night? As teenagers they’re not going to be spending as much time with mum anyway.

Mydogmylife · 05/01/2020 19:09

Well op, I think you've had some good suggestions, and you have hit the nail on the head when you admit to being lonely but realising that you need to keep that separate from your dc and not use them to ease this. Teenagers do drift from their parents at this age - they will come back
and not allowing yourself to be perceived as 'needy' for their company will help. If I was you I'd go for the more informal TV/ YouTube and snacks evening, build up an easy rapport through shared viewing and if DH is sneery about it all the better!!! Good luck

LurkingFather · 05/01/2020 19:10

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OoohTheStatsDontLie · 05/01/2020 19:12

Hi OP

I think your husband sounds a bit of a shit actually. When you are married to someone it's meant to be 'in sickness and in health' but he doesnt seem to be aware of this. It's not because you dont want to join in its because you cant. And only someone with no empathy or sympathy would do so much of something that you cant enjoy any longer, without them. Even if you just didnt like their hobby, arranging holidays and weekends around it and not even factoring anything in that you want, is just extremely selfish. As is getting a mood on when you try and arrange an activity for you - that's petty and manipulative as well as selfish.

He doesnt sound like he is very nice go you or cares about your wants and needs to be honest

Mydogmylife · 05/01/2020 19:12

@LurkingFather
How unpleasant ! I would rather not have the likes of you standing behind me!

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 05/01/2020 19:13

Oh don't be such a fucking prick lurking

I don't have ME btw, I just think you're a knob.

Oooooooooooooooooooh · 05/01/2020 19:16

Replace your husband with a TV.

Vgtasd · 05/01/2020 19:16

I feel for you I do, my ex husband was the fun one, he left all discipline to me, all the cooking and at one stage I was working two jobs while he took them hill climbing! I felt like I lost how to spend time with dcs, we have since split up and I'm trying to rebuild my relationship with the dcs, it's totally unfair xxx

Original poster
Amaretto · 05/01/2020 19:17

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles, I am sure that sitting on a mat all day long for 4 days was doing a lot! Grin And the food was some sort of pasta and tomato sauce....

Believe it or not, dc1 doesnt like Nandos or Costa.... Just to make things a bit harder Grin

OP posts:
StCharlotte · 05/01/2020 19:19

They’d be separating because the husband in question is a selfish, entitled, uncaring man who dismisses his wife, overrules her at every turn, pushes her out and doesn’t accept that she has a serious and debilitating health condition. He doesn’t cherish her, doesn’t listen to her, and is monopolising every free moment of their children’s lives for his own enjoyment and happiness, without ever considering hers.

OP I actually think this should be your thread. The DCs and their absences are almost a red herring here.

ivykaty44 · 05/01/2020 19:20

And no we didnt go to the fancy swimming pool. He had decided that it was too expensive and we should be doing something else instead....

That’s when I would say, that fine no need to come but come on dc let’s go and have some fun

But I haven’t got ME

It would certainly get my goat if my dh was pulling faces and didn’t want to do stuff. I’d feel hurt & Upset

I’ve in the past got a few games down from the attic, not big games but boggle, cards, jenga, shut the box and we used to play a couple after dinner/supper. It was a nice way of prolonging a meal round the table & we often had foreign students so playing games was great interaction. Many happy memories and lots of giggles

Whatnowagnes · 05/01/2020 19:22

Lurkingfather - that is a vile post. You know nothing about OP's circumstances.

Plenty of ME sufferers recover.

Original poster
Amaretto · 05/01/2020 19:22

On a very practical basis, what's the difference between Netflix and Amazon Prime?

@LurkingFather.... I hope you will never have one of those illnesses that have 'no pathology' (there are many ME/CFS is just one of many many ohers). You might be for a (very big) shock.
As for the name... I have to say I had never heard that but at least it made me laugh because of its stupidity.

OP posts:
StargazyDrifter · 05/01/2020 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cornish009 · 05/01/2020 19:25

I have four children, now adult, and also a foster carer of teens. I have to say I don't think any of them wanted to spend time with us at age 15/16. It could go weeks without any meaningful time spent together. Family was also second best. So for me it is unusual that they spend time with their dad at that age. But the good news is in a few years they seem to want to spend time together again. It gets easier, I promise.

LurkingFather · 05/01/2020 19:27

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Original poster
Amaretto · 05/01/2020 19:28

He doesn’t cherish her, doesn’t listen to her, and is monopolising every free moment of their children’s lives for his own enjoyment and happiness, without ever considering hers.

Actually it's every free moment is monoploised to do the things HE enjoys wo considering THE DCS enjoyment too. In the events they are doing, some of them can be quite different from each other, lets say type A and type B events. Dh doesnt like type B so none of them are doing them even though the dcs would love to do those...
It's all on his terms....

OP posts:
Elbeagle · 05/01/2020 19:28

That is what it boils down to

No it isn’t.

MaggieAndHopey · 05/01/2020 19:30

"It is the OPs choice to consider my post as helpful or upsetting."

You are deluded if you think anyone would find your post helpful. If you genuinely didn't mean it to be a put-down, you have a very unfortunate way with words.

Notodontidae · 05/01/2020 19:30

Dear OP, what a desperate and dismal situation. I have always said on these posts, that parents with fears or phobias should not pass them on to their DCs. Your disability however bad, should not restrain your children from beneficial activity. You're DH probably should be doing more to redress the situation, but with him not being able to help you, will eventually pull him down as well, and he won’t be able look out for you or the children. You both need to find some middle ground, where you can play a part in their new adventure, and DH & the DCs can participate in something you love and are able to do. ME is a wretched condition, that is difficult to understand let alone cure. Best Wishes OP

TheLittleBrownFox · 05/01/2020 19:30

@lurkingfather

And that is I guess at the core of it. A "disease" without pathology

And here, ladies and gentleman is an "expert" without expertise. Hmm

You've looked down the electron microscope at the mitochondria of people with ME then have you, @lurkingfather ?

MaggieAndHopey · 05/01/2020 19:32

I don't think @LurkingFather actually knows what pathology means.

Original poster
Amaretto · 05/01/2020 19:33

@LurkingFather I am not going to be offended by your post.

But for the record, you are talking SHIT. No ME/CFS sufferer has ever been 'enabled' and the time when people thought it was all made up is long gone.
You are reminding me of DH (surprise?) who kept telling me I should 'just go for a run' when I couldnt physically go up the stairs. Or thought I was just lazy.....

As I said, I really hope you or a loved ne are never oing to get one of those non pathological illnesses. because you are going to find that fucking hard to deal with (but maybe you will grow some compassion instead)

OP posts: