To give up trying to have a meaningful place in my dcs life

[Amaretto]

So we've had another weekend where DH took the dcs out for their 'hobby' whilst I stayed at home. Nothing else exists apart from that hobby, one that I can't join in due to health reasons.
All weekends, every single weekend, is taken up by that. Events are written down on the calendar and it's just full. The bits that arent (like some saturday mornings) are used to do the food shopping and the like.
I feel like a spare part useful to get some bits and bobs, take them shopping for clothes/shoes and that's about it.

I have tried many times to explain to dh that I want to spend with my own children but it's falling into deaf ears. I've tried to force some 1-1 time with them (like going out for lunch) and I've managed that about twice with each of them in 6 months. There is ALWAYS something more important (like that hobby :(. If its not that, it's going to see PIL etc...). I very much feel I would have more opportunities to see my own dcs if I was seeing them EOW because I coud be in charge of what we do rather than automatically see everything being taken over by DH again.

I feel down and like I never have the opportunity to build up a meaningful relationship with them and never will.

"I think I would sit down with the children, not with your husband present, and talk to them honestly. Tell them what it was like when they were little and how their dad just wanted to do his own thing, but then you engineered it so that they did it with him and as a result you feel you're losing them. Don't be afraid to get upset"

Fuck me, don't do that!

At 15 or 16 I barely spent any time with my DCs (unless we were doing shared hobbies or cooking / eating together) and didn’t expect to. They were busy.

Am I the only one that thinks that it’s absolutely fine for DH to pursue a hobby with his teens that they all enjoy every weekend? I feel that this situation is a bit different to the ‘DH’ who leaves his wife with young children and goes cycling for 6 hours. Am willing to be corrected though.

As PP have pointed out, DC would be unlikely to hang around with parents if they weren’t enjoying this hobby. They’ll be off to uni, getting partners, etc. soon and likely want to stop doing these things with him.

Yes, it’s unfortunate that Op is missing out and is not able to be included, but I (think, I suppose I don’t know for sure) would be thrilled for OP to be doing a healthy, active activity whilst they all still can. I would, in return, hope for DH to be doing husband/wife activities and showing that he cares in other ways throughout the week...and if he can’t manage that, then I guess that is the issue that needs to be addressed.

We never know what is around the corner and I’d hate to think I had stopped someone enjoying life. If his hobby is making you miserable, then I guess you ought to consider what that means for your relationship.

I hate to say this but I think it’s normal for a 15 and 16 year old not to spend much time with their parents. I’m surprised they want to spend so much time with their Dad tbh, I bet if they didn’t love this hobby they wouldn’t. Teenagers usually want to be alone or with their friends, parents are uncool and boring.

Not read thread but you sound precious to me. Sorry for being so blunt. My DH works 7 days a week (farmer) and whilst I love my children right now I'd do anything for my DH to be able to spend a weekend doing hobbies, and for me to have some me time. Mine are much younger than yours though - 2 and 6. I'm the main parent 7 days a week, and I find it intense and hard going.

Yours is a problem if I'm honest I would not mind having.

Can you find an interest of your own for the weekend - perhaps you could do cross-stitch.

So @Amaretto, what do you think of the Get a TV and subscribe to Netflix idea?

I will repeat again. I do NOT want them to stop their hobby as such.

But I very much wish that it wasnt organised wo including me at any point, aka there is NEVER a thought about how this will affect me. Its like i do not exist or I am not important enough to be taken into account.

eg a 4 days weekend centered around said hobby. I go with them camping for the 4 days. Wait for them to go to the events come back etc... (DH has the car so I am stuck at the campsite). I cook for them, organise the food etc... Talk with DH at the time of organising the weekend that we could go to x swimming pool (fancy swimming pool with spa, slides etc...). That was the ONE thing for me to do during the 4 days. And then decides that actually he doesnt want to do that, talks about some other plans and pulls a face when I remind him of what we originally talked about. And no we didnt go to the fancy swimming pool. He had decided that it was too expensive and we should be doing something else instead....

Just out of interest OP - do you think your kids would actually prefer not to be doing their hobby with their Dad? I get that you say he likes all the outdoor stuff too, but maybe your kids would prefer not to have Dad tagging along.

I appreciate that this doesn't actually solve your problem, but it could be a means to "bond" (probably not the right word) with them by discouraging their Dad from spending weekends with them.

Problem is that the DH was doing exactly the same before the DC were able to join him. It sounds as if he has only ever got involved with activities that he enjoys. If OP suggests anything else he refuses to engage.

I would like to think that if I was in the OP’s position that my DH and DS would at least try and spend some quality family time with me, and at least find ways that I could be involved with the hobby eg go on a weekend trip away with them if there was something I could do there whilst they were running.

When you were their age, did you want to spend time with your parents? This 'quality time' is a rather new invention. If they were out with their friends rather than their dad, you'd possibly not be so bothered.

Yes- as we've all said, you have a DH problem.

Hi Amaretto. I feel for you. ME is horribly isolating and takes so much from you.

Sometimes it feels like loss upon loss especially now they all enjoy something you used to be able to do with them (sending hugs).

I don't think many of the posters have taken this in to account.

Your dc will value your support for their hobbies especially when they look back but I don't think it's unreasonable to build some time for you. They are old enough to want to find things they can do within your capabilities and show compassion and consideration for you.

I hope you recover soon.

Some of the suggestions involving talking to your kids are awful.

However, I do think they're old enough for you to say you'd like to spend a bit more time with them as you miss it, do they have any suggestions of what they'd like to do or time free? Without the emotion of the above posts.

Take the guesswork out of you planning things they might not be interested in?

I feel for you, it will pass I promise, teenagers can be thoughtless and won't knowing you're hurting. So long as you remain their mum and don't withdraw because of this, before you know it they'll be older and you'll have a more personal relationship. At the moment the see you as mum, not really as a whole person complicated feelings and all, if that makes sense?

@SlightlyWizened, I like that idea (and I am going to investigate that one).
I have also taken on board the idea of doing small things with the dcs and concentrate on that. I might engineer time with the dcs again in small ways that can fit easily in their schedule. Cooking is a good idea too if I can have enough energy at the end of the day to do some cooking.

Ive also picked up on the loneliness issue and to be careful not to mix my own loneliness and whats going on with the dcs. They arent there to make me feel less lonely (even though I am not lonely as such but I do feel lonely within the relationship iyswim).

Stop being a doormat, stop serving them, cooking for them, running round after them, waiting for them to lose interest in their hobby and want to hang out with you. Take up your own hobby, find something YOU love to do! Go on holiday with friends, set up lovely things you will really enjoy for the weekend.

I mean, I don't really see that the kids are doing anything wrong. It doesn't sound like you and your husband spend much time together, which seems a bit more relevant, really.

Are you mourning what you can't do? What about what you can do, and want to do?

Er, I didn't mean that to sound harsh, sorry. I just mean it's better to focus on what is within one's power to change, instead of hoping other peopel will change.

I'd be having an animated discussion with my DH about the fancy swimming pool and demanding we all go as previously agreed and hey, remember sweetheart you arse that's something I can join in with!

OP has ME. Animated conversation might not be possible energy wise.

Seriously though, I do think you are lonely and grumpy and it's understandable.

I am in a similar situation to you it sounds like, so I know where you're coming from. The difference though is that your DH sounds unkind and self centred, and this makes all the difference.

In general terms and leaving aside the DH and the hobbies for now - it might be useful to let go of the desire to "make memories" (hate that phrase!) or seeing the goal the whole family together. At this age the DC are more independent and getting ready for adult life, doing more, out socialising more, hopefully studying, maybe working and it's going to be hard (as you know) getting everyone at the same time.

I would concentrate on building/strengthening your relationships with your DC individually, as they soon will be adults and your life will be like this permanently (I have teens/older teens and young adults and have realised this recently!). They will also like/respect you for this as they will know you are treating them as individuals in their own right, and you can engage with them with stuff they like themselves, rather than trying to find common ground between you all or get everyone round the table at the same time! Each DC is going to have something they are particularly interested in - skincare/health/peaky blinders/cooking/Netflix/nandos/fucking Snapchat filters/talking incessantly about their mates and if you can encourage them to share this with you, it may help you feel closer to them. There is no avoiding it - you need to have Netflix and Snapchat to maximise your chances here

I cannot physically do a lot with my DC who are active, and I often think I "speak" to them more on Snapchat/texts than in RL! BUT we laugh a lot and I know what's going on with them, and I have a lot of contact with them even if I believe they have rabbit ears on thwir heads It's not ideally how I would do things, but we are where we are. We also FaceTime, which leads me to the hobby thing... (apologies this is a long post I know)

My DH (out of necessity) is the chauffeur/watcher/organiser/practice person etc for a hobby of the DCs which takes up a lot of time and travelling (not that outing to say football, but not kickabouts in the local park) and it really saddens me I don't get to share that, and I feel left out and a spare part sometimes.

What we do is, occasionally I can go in the car and sit with my book, so I get the journey time there and back. If I can't, my DH will FaceTime briefly when it's possible (I know this may not work for your circumstances) and if not, I am treated to a very very long blow by blow account when they get back/via text in the car. I also look at things related to this on the news/web/club updates etc so we can discuss stuff. I don't feel so left out then, and indeed as they grow older I know this is how the relationship will be in future, they may not be sitting on the end of my bed talking to me like they do now, but at least they will be contacting and communicating with me as we have done the groundwork.

This is already getting really long and possibly boring so I'll stop but hopefully it may be interesting, maybe a little helpful. The realisation that it's not so much about The Family but my relationship with my Dcs individually really helped me recently. Plus it makes times like Christmas when we are all under the same roof (and that won't always happen either!) even more special.

(Your DH is a whole other post, he sounds like a selfish uncaring twat, frankly. What would he say if you suggested the FaceTime/photos thing to him?)

Ok could she vehemently disagree?

That was so long I crossed with your recent post about the weekend thing. You actually sound like you can do a lot more than I can (I know that will fluctuate!) so perhaps it's "easier" for me in some ways, in that I can't really change much. You have more options than you think you do I think and the ideas here are good (IME no teen declines Nandos and even if you just sit in the cinema you can talk about it afterwards!)

If you are lucky enough to be able to drive, you can have good conversations in the car even though it doesn't seem like "quality time" on first glance!

OP, you do sound rather passive aggressive and knock back ideas to improve your relationships.
I was at a wedding recently and the groom thanked his mother for her commitment to his hobby (rowing) and thanked her for years of taking him to his hobby at the crack of dawn.
I never minded taking or fetching groups of teenagers to evening events and activities. My sons would talk lots to me from on the way home from parties. it was a brilliant time to catch up and connect.
Be their chauffeur for the teenage years and you will always know what is happening in their lives. Ditto having open house for their friends.

My ds is only little so no direct experience and also without knowing what the hobby is there's only so much anyone can say - but I'd just let them get on with it and be happy that they have a passion.

It sounds like you've raised them to be independent, active individuals and you should be proud.

Your DH is the problem. He doesnt sound very nice or thoughtful at all.

Amaretto I understand where your coming from and think your dh is being a proper twat. It’s almost like he is cancelling you out.

Kids however can be quite oblivious to how your feeling!

Id completely start disregarding how your dh feels. Book a holiday for this summer - one you can enjoy too and if dh pulls his face tell him he doesn’t have to come. In fact every time he pulls that face call him out on it. Don’t let him steam roll you down. Talk to the kids about the holiday and say your looking forward to spending some quality time with them. Book some theme park tickets for the spring for the you and the dc.

If your youngest likes cooking why not buy him his first cook book and he has to serve up a meal on a set day whilst you sit and chat.

Come on be the change and stop letting him bulldoze you over.

On another note - how often do you touch them? When my eldest (24) was around 16 and things became a bit distant between us, I read that regular touch can be quite bonding. So I started to touch her arm whilst we were speaking, or ruffling her hair (which she jokily hated, putting my arm around her if I was leaning over her. At first she thought I was bat shit but it did work! have a try at that.