To give up trying to have a meaningful place in my dcs life

[Amaretto]

So we've had another weekend where DH took the dcs out for their 'hobby' whilst I stayed at home. Nothing else exists apart from that hobby, one that I can't join in due to health reasons.
All weekends, every single weekend, is taken up by that. Events are written down on the calendar and it's just full. The bits that arent (like some saturday mornings) are used to do the food shopping and the like.
I feel like a spare part useful to get some bits and bobs, take them shopping for clothes/shoes and that's about it.

I have tried many times to explain to dh that I want to spend with my own children but it's falling into deaf ears. I've tried to force some 1-1 time with them (like going out for lunch) and I've managed that about twice with each of them in 6 months. There is ALWAYS something more important (like that hobby :(. If its not that, it's going to see PIL etc...). I very much feel I would have more opportunities to see my own dcs if I was seeing them EOW because I coud be in charge of what we do rather than automatically see everything being taken over by DH again.

I feel down and like I never have the opportunity to build up a meaningful relationship with them and never will.

Hollow, I'm sorry but your above post sounds like emotional blackmail and l think would not be fair at all to the kids, OP have you made any inkling to them about spending more time with you and they've refused?

Hollow

Your advice is to essentially guilt trip them. Shit advice in my opinion

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable, there is no way I will ever tell them anything like this!!
Esp becuse its not them isolating me anyway. Its DH isolating me from them (or at east it feels like it...)

Close with many while l reworded my post several times before posting!

@AntimonySalts. That helps. Thanks.

I think a lot of teenagers do spend most of the time out of the house doing activities and meeting friends. This is certainly preferable to them lounging around being bored.

Some good suggestions. Meeting up after their hobby for a meal out once a month say. If everything fails what do you do. Develop your own interests at weekends. Go on a weekend hobby break craft or painting or anything else that interests you. Or in the end just say sorry this isn't working for me and leave. But you won't want to do that. It is bad that your DH isn't a bit more sensitive to the fact you feel left out.

Can you not have a heart to heart with your kids they are old enough to say "I feel like I never see you and I miss hanging out, can we go for breakfast on Saturday so I can hear all about what you've been up to" or similar. It sounds like your DH is acting like the gatekeeper or bouncer to your kids! He shouldn't dictate the relay. Why don't you alternate places to go for breakfast or whatever / this week it's Jan's choice, then John's then yours or whatever

Bit of cod psychology here but he obviously thinks it is a competition between you two and he wants the dcs all to himself.

I don't think it's that. When the DC were younger he was disengaged because of his obsession with his outdoor hobbies. Now the DC are interested in the outdoors and he's happy because it means that he can pursue his hobbies and call it family time. If the DC went off the hobby, or moved away (and therefore pursued it elsewhere), he'd still be away at weekends doing the hobby. It's the hobby that is the constant here, not the DC.

He's obsessed, and his behaviour reflects that. I see it all the time with men who climb and fell run. Certain men do pursue these activities in a very selfish way which excludes everything else.... funnily enough women seem to manage not to do this ime.

That's exactely that receptacle
DH has always been doing his outdoor hobbies and will do them with or wo the dcs.

OP, in the nicest possible way you sound very passive.
Tell you children how you feel, they are old enough to understand.
Get a TV if you want one.
Your DH sounds very controlling but it comes across as if you allow him to be.
Apologies if I’m wrong here.

Can you treat yourself to a great big tv and a subscription to everything going? Then ask the DCs for recommendations and watch everything they suggest and you might have shared ground for chats, or they might even watch with you eventually? I totally get being a TV-free household but things can change and if DH isn't listening to you, then don't see why you can't unilaterally decide to get a TV?

Oh just read up the thread, what I wrote didn't mean making kids feel guilty - more day you miss all their news and goings on and you'd love to hear all about it

Doadeer - you're suggestion was positive ('I miss spending time with you, shall we do arrange an evening in together?'), not emotional blackmail like some of those upthread

Yeah but I bet he’s pleased though @ReceptacleForTheRespectable

^ your

It makes it easier for him to paint himself as a committed family man, but I doubt he's bothered beyond that.

I know loads of men like him.

Do we know what the mystery hobby is or is it ‘outing’?
Maybe your DH thinks he’s giving you peace by occupying your DC, tbf not many teens want to or do spend weekends with their mum, this timetabled family time is a myth, as they grow up they do their own thing, be glad they’re fit and healthy. If you must suggest maybe one or 2 Sunday’s a month could be a go out for lunch/cinema day.
I’m finding hard to believe that this hobby is all day sat/sun with no break.

@Saharafordessert, I get that I might look passive.
Maybe this is because I havent listed on this thread all the things I have actually done before (many which have been suggested but didnt quite work out).
Or maybe this si just because havng ME means I dont have a lot of energy and 'not allowing my DH to do as he pleases' requires an amount of energy I just dont physically have.

OP over and over people have suggested carving out a time for you to connect with the DC’s such as a family meal, you seem resistant to broaching this idea and instead keep insisting your husband is blocking you and your relationship with your children. Fact is the children don’t need you the way they did when they were small so you have to redefine what it looks like now they’re older with hobbies and interests you aren’t involved in. Being passive and distant and making them feel guilty for their hobby will affect your relationship much more in the long run.

@Amaretto You say that you worry about not having a meaningful relationship with them, but i suspect that you do in a million tiny ways that you dont see. Always being there for them, listening to them, bring kind and supportive. As children grow into young adults, it's those things that matter more than the accumulation of minutes spent together.

Please ignore the advice of PPs who suggest manipulating and guilting your dc into spending more time with you. It's those kind of behaviours that ultimately destroy parent/child relationships.

When I was 15/16 time with my parents consisted of them driving me places. It was the same with all my friends! My parents did not participate in my main hobby at all (although it was one they facilitated me starting as a child and they were happy I maintained an interest in it.

We didn't even eat that many meals together, as my father & mother left for work early, and the evening meal was often piecemeal in the week as one or other of my siblings was being taken to a lesson or training session or whatever, or Mum/dad were out doing their own activities.

We spent time together at christmas, on family holidays etc.

I agree with everyone that teens do disengage - and you get less of their time - and as such I can really see that your dh 'owning' all their free time is hugely frustrating. Claim the little times and know that they do matter, and that you being there to hear their frustrations and triumphs do matter: the quick coffee as a reward for a great result in a test; the spontaneous trip for an ice-cream because it's a gorgeous day, the hot chocolate brought up when they've had a fall out with a mate or got rained on on the way home.

But I agree that you also sound exhausted and defeated, so you may not be seeing the opportunities that are still there for reconnection, or may not have the emotional energy at the mo. Maybe set yourself a challenge of finding a connection activity with each of your kids every week - doesn't have to be big, just ask one if he'll help make tea and make a real effort to ask about his day - what's his current fav on youtube and why; look at some vids together; get him to share a playlist and whinge about how awful it is ;-) Or suggest you do a clear out of a corner of their room together .. go through old toys and have a reminisce about old times. Could you do a cinema night occasionally, or have a takeaway and board games or card games night?

Agree that you are right not to go the blackmail route, but telling them that you enjoy spending time with them - that they are funny, clever, you are proud of them/like their mates/girl/boyfriends ... that all means a lot to them, I bet...

I can totally understand where you are coming from, seems like you would join in but can't and that is difficult. I would say that in general it is hard to find a common ground at their ages anyway. Try not to worry too much as they generally branch away at that age natuarly. Particularly mother/son don't know about daughters as I don't have any!!!

I should add - as adults we are all close and i have a great bond with parents and siblings. Teenagers are just independent. I spent far more time with siblings than parents.

I think the only time I spent with my parents between 14 and 17 was on family holidays and at Christmas. Even then I'd be nagging to go to the holiday disco or on the computer or chill in my room. I often didn't get home until 7pm (though nor did my parents from work) sometimes 8pm as I would usually have school, then usually a school related after school activity like art, drama, orchestra, that Kind of thing. Then I'd go to my non school related extra curriculars or to a friends house, so usually band practice, or to the skate park, then we'd usually end up at somebody's house, to do anything but homework. Most nights I babysat or helped my friends babysitting, or had a project to work on, or went out for the evenings to gigs, youth club, school performances, etc. I also had a gym membership for some of that, and a part time job. To be honest I'm amazed my parents ever saw me. I used to come home, sleep, wake up, shower, ask for money for whatever club or school trip or clothes, and go back out again. And all my friends were The same. Some of them because their parents didn't give a shit, but most of them were given a lot of trust because they were committed to their sports and hobbies and part time jobs and their parents weren't able to Chauffeur any of us around busy jobs and social lives of their own (although there was usually somebodies dad being roped in for a taxi home in winter). I had a lunch card, a bus pass and some extra change to get a sandwich or something from the chippy or a taxi home if I needed to. I think they were the best years of my life in some ways, but I rarely saw my parents or my siblings. However, I built more of a relationship as an adult, and even more so since being a parent, so I spend more time with them now than I did then.