AIBU not not pay for bridesmaids hair?

[tomatoo]

We started wedding planning 2 years ago when we were doing fine with money, so booked an expensive venue. We have since bought a moneypit of a house and also have 2 preschool kids, so childcare costs are high.
I chose 6 bridesmaids (2 years ago). We have paid for their dresses. We wanted to pay for their accommodation too, but we just can't afford it now. I'm obviously paying for their flowers.
AIBU to ask them to pay for their hair / makeup if they want it done?
I don't care how they have their hair or makeup or if they have it done at all. I am not getting my makeup professionally done because we can't afford. I was planning on paying for us all to have our hair done, but having received quotes we can't afford it.
Not that it matters but none of the bridesmaids have children or financial issues (that I know of).
The groom isn't having any groomsmen because we can't afford suits so I feel it's really unfair (of me) that I have chosen 6 bridesmaids and we are paying for their dresses, flowers. I think paying their hair might just push DP over the edge!

@VickyEadieofThigh - if you look at any of the wedding etiquette books and websites they all start with this. "So traditionally, who pays for bridesmaid dresses?

According to etiquette, each attendant is expected to cover the costs of their entire ensemble, from their dress (or their jumpsuit, or whatever look they're rocking) all the way down to their accessories. That goes even though the bride traditionally picks the attire.

Okay, but who buys bridesmaid dresses nowadays?

Typically, each bridesmaid is still tasked with buying the dress she'll wear on the big day. That being said, there are ways for brides to lessen each attendant's financial burden. If they're able and willing, brides are welcome to offer to pay —especially if they have a smaller wedding party and fewer outfits to purchase. (But again, by no means are they required to.) Or, they can split the cost. One of our favorite bridesmaid dress retailers, Brideside, sells gift cards which brides can present to their bridal party as thank-you gifts for their support. In addition, brides should be conscious of their bridesmaids' budgets and all the additional costs they'll be accruing in order to participate in the wedding."

I suspect this may have started in days when weddings were about marriage and not who wore what but cannot find any definitive evidence for when etiquette changed to brides paying changed. However it is an accepted practice.

@tomatoo - it seems like everyone is probably happy with things as they are otherwise you would likely have heard rumblings by now. Fingers crossed everything continues to go well and you have a lovely day.

Yanbu. You don't need professional hair and make up so they can do their own. They have the dress and flowers covered so that's enough.

I think it's fine to not pay for their hair if you are not dictating how they wear it. I also did my own make up (I did have a hairdresser). I've been an adult bridesmaid 6 times and only twice has my accommodation been provided/paid for - it's lovely but not an expectation.

We didn't provide suits for ushers - we got them all matching ties and buttonhole and just asked them to wear any suit.

I was very fortunate that a sister of one of my MOH does wedding hair and make up (and TV/film special effects) for a living, she was already invited with her partner to the full day at I've known her for a long time, she insisted that she do my hair and make up and her sister's and the little bridesmaids' hair as a wedding gift. It was fab because she knew is what we like etc, I think if you're not having your own professionally done bridesmaids can't expect it either. It's a downfall of such a long planning time when you've already invited six people to be bridesmaids! I just had a MOH and a couple of little ones. I think it's a bit unfair for DH not to have any groomsmen when your have SIX bridesmaids, surely his closest friends own a suit? He could buy them matching ties or something

Personally i wouldn't be happy as a bridesmaid to have to pay for hair and make up to be done - it's always been paid for by the bride/groom

It's easier to have it done at the venue whilst everyone is getting ready - Otherwise you're expecting them to arrange for it all be organised remotely and sort it out on the day when they don't even live where you're getting married and your venue might not be near a salon??

I wouldn't have paid for the accommodation as like you say they'd have to oath for it anyway but I'd be paying for their hair/make up instead

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted

Luckily not every one is as grabby as you and actually give a shit if their friend is struggling financially.

When did this actually come in? It’s a relatively new thing. Neither my mother or grandmother paid for their bridesmaids hair or make up done. Probably right about the the same time as Instagram when every single girl needs to be professionally made up to show they are ‘living their best life’

Weddings are not about the bridesmaids unfortunately

Weddings are not about the bridesmaids unfortunately

Exactly, so no need to have six when you can’t afford and have to put the costs on them.

Tomatoo fgs don't worry about professional make up etc. Most adult women are more than capable of doing their own. When I married - albeit a VERY long time ago 😂 - I don't know of anyone who had more than their hair done. I certainly preferred to do my own make up on the day!

Has your STBDH thought of asking a couple of his friends who are already invited - so would already have their own suits etc. - if they would like to be groomsmen on the day? I bet they would be thrilled to be asked and no real additional expense to you. My DNephew married a few years ago and his BM was rushed into hospital the day before the wedding 😥 - seriously expensive venue wedding too. Two other friends stepped in at the 11th hour as shared BMen and did a fantastic job! They were both absolutely honoured and everyone commented upon how great they were. Thankfully, original BM was fine a week later but gutted to have missed the wedding of course.

you should have downsized this money pit of a frilly frock party two years ago, or never booked it given the foreseeable expenses you've had since. Yes, it was unfair of you to go so mad on this.

no-one needs hair or makeup done for a wedding. Dresses are a sunk cost, cancel flowers (just faff to carry round) and make it clear that if they can't afford accommodation (no Premier Inn nearby?) then you don't mind if they drop out.

all that your guests will care about is that you seem happy, you don''t spend hours on the photos and that they are fed and watered.

I think it's completely fine - especially as you're not having your own done or expect them to have it a certain way. Not unreasonable at all.

When I was last bridesmaid, my friend paid for it all which was lovely of her but both the hair & make-up were REALLY HIDEOUS & neither suited me in the slightest - I felt SO self conscious. Obviously I didn't let on as it was HER day but I was itching to let my hair down & wipe my face ALL DAY!! 😆

I don't understand the flowers thing either

plus, these weddings that are meant to be for showiness, isn't 6 bridesmaids and no groomsmen going to look weird?

I think I'd be inclined to let them know that you really appreciate them agreeing to be bridesmaids. However as your financial situation has changed massively in the last two years, and that means you're not having groomsmen, you think that the right thing is to decide not to have any bridesmaids at all. Of course they will all be getting invitations to the wedding and you hope they will still be able to come along and enjoy the day.

YABU. Should have had 2 not 6 and paid for everything.

I really do think your DH should have groomsmen

Groomsmen are an American-ism and a recent import to the UK. Nothing wrong with it, but it is perfectly normal to have a British wedding without them.

Are you expecting them to fork out £££ for your hen do? You need to give them plenty of warning that they have to pay for their own hair and make-up. In my opinion it’s cheeky but I am also tired of weddings and hen dos that end up costing £££ as bridesmaid.

It's going to look weird without groomsmen sorry - do you mean not even a best man? You kind of need ushers - well at least one - to help things run. Can you not just get two - surely they will have either a navy/grey suit and you can just get a cheap matching tie and a buttonhole for them?

I had a small wedding but I did have four bridesmaids - the only thing they paid for was their tights and I asked them to wear their own shoes.

I did pay for them to have their hair and make up done but I don't think you need to - I have been a bridesmaid and done my own and that was fine.

I don't like the attitude of them having no children means they should absorb some of your costs. I have childless friends - they still live to their means. At the end of the day most people are bridesmaids more out of duty to you rather than really wanting to so you need to make sure it doesn't cost them a lot to attend imo.

Ushers are our equivalent of groomsmen.

And obviously the bestman

Exactly, so no need to have six when you can’t afford and have to put the costs on them

She asked them two years ago. Lots of things financially can happen between then.

At the end of the day most people are bridesmaids more out of duty to you rather than really wanting to so you need to make sure it doesn't cost them a lot to attend imo

Have you read the countless threads on here about upset offended friends who we not asked but others were? I’ve seen it in real too.

I’m sure it’s fine. If I were you I would just explain

Occasionally @Peterspotter yes but I think it's a bit tragic.

I've read far more threads from bridesmaids who are pissed off because Bridezilla is demanding they pay for her location hen do, accommodation, dresses, shoes, make-up etc and putting financial strain on them.

I wanted it to be a nice experience for mine so they didn't have to worry about anything. I paid for it all and there was no overnight stay. It wasn't a fancy wedding - no cars, church service and party afterwards. My hen do was an afternoon tea with optional cocktails afterwards locally if anyone wanted.

I don't think it's fair to expect people to keep forking out because you're getting married.

I've been an adult bridesmaid twice - I would rather not have been if I'm honest - but I didn't want to offend so I said 'oh how lovely' and acted the part. Maybe other people revel in it.

YANBU not to pay for their hair and makeup or accommodation.

I had two bridesmaids and I bought their dresses, shoes and flowers but didn't pay for makeup or hair as I wasn't bothered what they did. I did my own makeup but had a lesson at the local Clinique counter beforehand. I had my hair done as I'm no good at doing my own hair. With hindsight I wish I hadn't bothered having it up as it was expensive and all the pins gave me a headache!

DH had a best man and he wore his own suit and we bought matching ties for DH, best man and my uncle who walked me in. That way it was obvious who had a 'job' but it was cheap to do.

The only accommodation we paid for was for my uncle and his partner as he'd paid for the wedding (which I know is frowned upon on MN but he wanted to do it), anyone else who stayed paid for their own.

Groomsmen are an American-ism and a recent import to the UK. Nothing wrong with it, but it is perfectly normal to have a British wedding without them.

Never seen a British wedding with six bridesmaids, though.

Big ol', huge wedding when you've already got two kids. 'Expensive' venue = cost a bomb for the guests to watch the big production.

You don't have to pay for the bridesmaid's hair and make up, neither would you have to pay for 'groomsmen's' suits. Formal dress can be hired or they wear their own clothes. Your husband should have a best man I think.

You'll have a lovely day. It sounds like you've put a lot of money into it already, nobody will expect more. Relax and enjoy.