AIBU not not pay for bridesmaids hair?

[tomatoo]

We started wedding planning 2 years ago when we were doing fine with money, so booked an expensive venue. We have since bought a moneypit of a house and also have 2 preschool kids, so childcare costs are high.
I chose 6 bridesmaids (2 years ago). We have paid for their dresses. We wanted to pay for their accommodation too, but we just can't afford it now. I'm obviously paying for their flowers.
AIBU to ask them to pay for their hair / makeup if they want it done?
I don't care how they have their hair or makeup or if they have it done at all. I am not getting my makeup professionally done because we can't afford. I was planning on paying for us all to have our hair done, but having received quotes we can't afford it.
Not that it matters but none of the bridesmaids have children or financial issues (that I know of).
The groom isn't having any groomsmen because we can't afford suits so I feel it's really unfair (of me) that I have chosen 6 bridesmaids and we are paying for their dresses, flowers. I think paying their hair might just push DP over the edge!

There is nothing odd about this wedding and bridesmaids ‘sign up’ to supporting their much loved friend getting married. Every wedding looks different.

OP if your have a group watsap put it on there that your running out of wedding funds fast and just can’t afford the extras now. And if anyone wants their hair and make up done it will have to down to them.

Any friends worth their salt would happily pay for it themselves.

Also as a BM I wouldn't care about getting my hair or makeup done. I'd just do them myself or if I really wanted it done I'd pay for it myself like I would for a Christmas night out or attending as a guest or whatever.

6 bridesmaids for you but no groomsman because you can't afford suits for them? You are being unfair.

Why are weddings so expensive these days? why do they involve six bridesmaids and overnight hotel stays etc? just why?

OP do you know how they feel about being bridesmaids?

6 is a massive number and if you can recoup any costs on their dresses, it will help you financially.

I mention it in case it helps you and also a lot of people have bridesmaid regret so you could maybe do someone a favour all round.

Iamthe because we have all had to move all over the UK for jobs etc, so we don't all live or Marry in our hometown. None of the bridesmaids live within 2 hours of the venue or our home. All of the bridesmaids live in different parts of the UK (and one had emigrated since I asked her to be a BM) so it would have been literally impossible to have a wedding where the bridesmaids didn't need to stay in a hotel, unless they attended via skype.

one has emigrated?

you really do need to ask your BMs if they still want to do it. A lot has changed for you - don't assume it hasn't for them.

I have asked - and will ask again!

I bought my bridesmaids dresses and made their posies, and I paid for my sister to have her hair done. I couldn't afford to pay for hair and makeup for the rest of my bridesmaids- I just made this clear and they understood- I trusted them to do their own hair and makeup tastefully and well, and they all looked lovely. Just explain that you're hard pressed for cash; if they're good friends they'll understand.

Traditionally bridesmaids were expected to pay for their own dresses, hair etc. However that has gone by the wayside in recent decades and I suspect since the evolution of the wedding as an affair as much as a marriage.

Since you've already got the dresses, I see little point in asking anyone to step down and you've sorted them wearing their own shoes. So it really is a no brainer to let them know that while you had hoped to arrange hair and makeup, financial constraints mean you are no longer in a position to offer this. You're happy for them to make their own arrangements either with a stylist or to do their own and look forward to seeing them on the day.

Accommodation is a little trickier, but again, you appear not to have told them you were hoping to pay, so if they accepted the role, they would have been aware they either needed to make arrangements for 1-2 nights accommodation or on the day travel. Just don't mention it at all tbh. If anyone finds they can no longer commit due to lack of accommodation or travel then allow them to graciously bow out, although remind them they are still welcome to attend the wedding etc as a normal guest.

IT sounds like you may have good friends if they are already happy to sort their own shoes. If you are honest with them about things costing more than you had anticipated, even if its the money pit of a house, I am sure they will understand that you still want them to be a part of your day. Provided you don't start dictating what they can and cannot do, they probably won't mind. Plus it means they are likely to be more comfortable themselves being able to do hair and makeup in a way which flatters them rather than being a style which is wanted iyswim. Which overall IME makes for a much nicer day all round.

Why don't you prioritise the childcare & moneypit house, & downsize your wedding entirely?

If your 6 bridesmaids care about you at all, they would prefer that you spent your cash looking after your current responsibilities than worrying about wedding extras.

I can't see that you need to continue the stress & expense of an already 2 years in the planning wedding. Just have a register office do, with small numbers & everybody to the pub afterwards. The day really isn't important - it's just a wedding, The marriage is important, & you have the rest of your lives to enjoy it ... why compromise on your other priorities, just for one needlessly expensive day?

Sorry, but I think you should be covering the accommodation costs. Fine to not pay for hair and make up though.
After all, they're doing YOU the favour by wearing your choice of outfit and attending to your whims before and during.

Having 6 bridesmaids and zero groomsmen will look excessive unless it's a Lesbian wedding where all the attendants are female.
I can imagine that some wedding guests will gossip and think 'bridezilla' whether that's a fair comment or not.

Just scale back the wedding. It's not worth getting into debt for!

I don't know. Every time I've been a bridesmaid my hair and make-up have been paid for. You also paid for my bridesmaids to have theirs done when I got married. Part of the deal is that you don't pay it you're the bridesmaid. Maybe it would be more affordable to have less bridesmaids?
If course you can tell them to do it themselves but won't it look a bit strange if your bridesmaids all have different hair styles. Also can't your partner have groomsmen and get them to wear their own suits. We just brought ties in the same colour for our groomsmen.

We aren't cancelling anything- have already put so much time and money into the wedding planning. We'd loose so much on the deposits. A lot of people have booked and paid their accommodation. The wedding isn't long away now.
Although I understand and appreciate your comments!

"AIBU to ask them to pay for their hair / makeup if they want it done?"

No you are not being unreasonable at all. Just tell them well in advance there will be no professional hair and make up person present so everyone needs to bring hair styling stuff and make up if they will want to use things.

If anyone asks about professional hair stylers, I'd just say that you are not having any.

Personally I'd be honest and say it is not in the budget. but if anyone wants to have it done locally before arriving at your place, they can.

IMHO, don't let anyone talk you into hair stylists coming to the house etc, even if others are paying, because that will just complicate things.

So come readily 'styled' or do your own styling at my house! Just make it clear in advance so people know.

Enjoy your special day.

"Maybe it would be more affordable to have less bridesmaids?" I'd be heart broken being dropped from being a bridesmaid. I'd far rather just do my own hair and make up.

I think it’s ok not to pay but not if you tell them how they should style their hair.

Traditionally bridesmaids were expected to pay for their own dresses, hair etc.

When and where was this "tradition"? I was first a bridesmaid when I was 6, in 1964 and then - and on subsequent occasions - it was absolutely without question that the special dresses and shoes were paid for by the couple asking that such dresses and shoes be worn.

Why don’t you ditch the one who has emigrated and let your dh have a groomsman?
You might be doing her a favour saving her some expense

@StellaDelMare

don't think it's unreasonable at all if you add up what you are paying for them all ready..dresses, bouquets, probably gifts for them (I got them robes to get ready in and a little item of jewellery and a card but it adds up!), paying for their meal, favours etc. It adds up!

It was YOUR wedding, you were paying to have things YOU wanted, you were not paying ‘for them’

🙄

@tomatoo - it’s totally fine not to pay for hair & make up if you’re not dictating they have it done by someone else

It is, however, very odd having 6 bridesmaids and no groomsmen. As others have said, just ask them to wear a suit. Preferably in x colour IF they already have one. Matching ties & button hole flowers and it’s ‘job done’. Your DF is going to look like Freddy no Friends if you don’t have GM!

My DD was one of eight bridesmaids recently - dresses etc all paid for, but they were all staying in the same hotel and helped each other do their hair and make up - (think it was a pretty simple up do for those with long hair and just usual style for those with short hair). I think if I was getting ready for a wedding I'd prefer to do my own thing with hair and make up - it's one less appointment to fit into an already busy schedule.

OP I really do think your DH should have groomsmen. They can wear their own suits, maybe just buy them matching ties (which you could get for not much money). Groomsmen don't have to cost anything really, and it will look and feel much more equal on the day. I assume he's having a best man? One or two other close friends would be lovely.

Is he having a best man?

I’ve been a bridesmaid 6 times and a bride twice and not had my hair or make up done professionally once. Hate the idea.

I can't get past the fact that someone needs 2 YEARS to plan a party!
(and I had a reasonably big wedding myself)

Just tell them, presumably they are your siblings and/or best friends! if you can't speak with them, why are they even your bridesmaids in the first place.

I'ts also up to you to research accommodation and to send a list of possible ones so they can choose. Even a 4/5 bed house or flat on air BNB would usually cost them than a hotel room.