New housemate

[NewYearsRevolution2020]

We are 4 people living in a 3 bed terrace. One of th edownstairs living rooms is used as a bedroom - the other living room is shared living space.

New hsemate has moved a lot of big furniture and her stuff into shared living room and 'designed' it so it has gone from a bare but spacious room with a sofa, bookcase and some bits and pieces to a very clutterd room with desk, wardrobe, paintings on wall, wall hangings, etc. The two bikes that are used in the house are also keot in there. We also use it hang our washing when it is drying.

The romm is no longer usable in any practical sense - it is too clutterd to realx in and some of the furniture is so cumbersome it just makes you want to close the door. I have been here a long time, she has been here 6 months and did this without saying anything to anyone. Other hsemates are new, dont have much stuff and havent said anything.

She has also done the same to the garden. I mentioned several times that I want to do veg. She planted flowers all over the borders, and in every single space in the harden and left me a narrow space about 3 inches wide to use.

In her defence she is enthusiastic and some of here stuff is nice but when I look in the drawers and cupboards in the living room (it's for us all!) it is full of her stuff. She has also taken a huge cupboard upstairs that is originally for everyone.

She is not easy to approach, has seemingly already got te other female housemate eating out of her hand. She is not here much but I just feel she has used the communal spaces as a dumping ground for her stuff at our expense.

I have a large room so keep everything up here but feel that I shouldn't have to keep my fixed exercise bike/printer. etc in my room if we have lost the living room to her stuff.

AIBU?

Hadn't read thread. Can you see if nice guy would like to share after May?

It would be an awful shame if the plants died and more glass got broken as it's so cramped. ;-)

She needs a flat of her own. Get the two nice girls on side (and the guy) and agree with them you need to pay pro rata for the space you are using. Hopefully she will move out first.

@Secret

That is a plan.

I think there is something specific with me that she has taken issue with and I am lost as to what it is. I have been so nice and accommodating to her. She has had friends stay and I have made a real effort with them. She accused me of flirting with one which was completely bewildering to me as I am older and not interested at all. A few times her boyfriend has been here she has called him whilst we were talking and had been very annoyed with him. These are guys that work in similar fields to me or have the same interest in music but there is absolutely nothing untoward in our behaviour - it is just civil, polite, brief small talk if in kitchen and nothing more.

Last tenant who moved out felt she was very difficult and was very critical of her.

When is the operation?

When I hear from them. I expect 6 -12 months with waiting lists.

This is actually really horrible - I feel like I am being pushed out.

The last 3 years here have been one story after another of difficult people and all the decent ones have left

Are you OK OP?
Sounds very difficult atm. :(
Feel free to pm me.

Well I think you have to stand up for yourself or go.

Personally I hate political situations like that and I wouldn't want to stoop to her level, so I'd just go.

This seems defunct but what about something like this:. www.ageuk.org.uk/our-impact/programmes/homeshare/

They don't want to pay council tax because they don't agree with this government???

What an immature, pathetic, precious attitude to have. There is a vast section of the public that don't and haven't agreed with the government in power since- I dunno- the beginning of taxation.

Still have to pay it.

I bet that their righteousness doesn't stop them from accessing government benefit streams, tax breaks and the like.

They sound like little gits who need to make some contact with the wider world and realise it's not all about them. The worlds a big place and they aren't bloody revolutionary- they are postgrads in a house share!

And she doesn't like you because she's very insecure about her boyfriend- that might be why she's spread her shit all over the living room- to claim it as hers.

@PatricksRum @Secret

Thank you both very much. That is really kind of you. I might take you up on that, Patrick!

When I first moved in there was a guy living here who had been here for a while and hit a bit of a slump in his life. This developed into something like a breakdown. He became more and more unreasonable and aggressive and there were huge arguments between him and another housemate. He eventually left.

Next housemate was fine but became increasingly strange as the pressure from his final year of PhD kicked in - refused to pay bills, constant digs about how this country is treating him like a second class citizen (started around Brexit time). Also wouldn't pay a bill, was reluctant to pay council tax, etc.

During this time, the landlady had her own personal difficulty.

Alongside these two we have had various others who have ranged from quirky to immaturely selfish but this last one takes the biscuit.

I do think she has seen my bigger room and decided she wants it.

I get the feeling she wants to be in charge. We had a dinner party over the summer and she wanted to do angel readings for everyone. The guests pretty much took the piss and went along to humour her but she kept on insisting she got someone to do one for me and it was really intrusive.

I also experienced not too dissimilar a problem when I was teaching and it seems like it is something to do with people who have an issue with organisation and need to control a situation or assert themselves in an underhand way.

I also think all three are people who are used to attention and being looked up to and not getting it from me is really pissing them off. ((I am older than them but I have seen the others kind of put them on pedestals)

The people in between these three have all experienced the same thing and said they can see I am doing the majority of the cleaning, etc and it is them, not me.

Apologies if this is confusing !

@Secret - will take a good look at that link, thanks Secret. Much appreciated.

@pemberley I did wonder about that. He told me jokingly he gets in trouble if he speaks to me for too long and he no longer comes round but to be really blunt about things - she is stunning and I am absolutely not. But that makes it sound more than it is - I think it was only 2 or 3 times we talked and amongst others - we were all just chatting about music and stuff.

I do think there is something under the surface I am noticing with her and the women from teaching - they put men on a pedestal and yet when I say exactly the same thing it is queried as not possible. (Example - we had to sort the fusebox out and in the end asked a neighbour who said to do exactly what I suggested to do).

Neighbour is seen as a genius and I am left banging my head. Big age difference aswell. These are all millennials.

You're welcome @NewYearsRevolution2020

What did your landlady do when previous male housemate refused to pay bills?

It does seem like she's taken a disliking to you and has been plotting since.

House shares are so difficult, I never stayed longer than 6 months. But in this case, it seems the landlady needs to decide what type of house share it's going to be.

I've seen two types:
Type a) landlord/ lady in charge of who joins etc. Therefore onus on them to deal with these problems.
Type b) the housemates are more involved in choosing potential new housemates so perhaps more likely to solve between them.

It seems your landlady takes the easy option.

I think there are some mixed messages definitely. For example, I have been really careful to adhere to the guidelines landlady has set down like no nails in the walls. New hsemate has put loads of stuff up with nails and said landlady said it was OK. That is a small thing in itself but overtime those inconsistencies leave you feeling like there is one rule for one person and another for you.

I do not think too much about it but it is this stirring up off things and then pretending to be the solution to the problem that they have created that gets me.

Sorry, don't think that made sense!

The second paragraph was really in relation to things like cleaning, etc. if she just did her share there would be no problem. No one else will say it, previous tenants wouldn't as, in their words, they just didn't want to deal with her as they could see she was difficult.

Can you afford to live elsewhere. It sounds toxic.

Oh gosh I feel for you. I hope you find somewhere nice and not too expensive.

I agree with regards to mixed messages. Is the landlady aware of anything that is going on now or are you planning on telling her?
If you did move out I've no doubt cfhm's allies will soon get tired of her antics.

Where was cf hm living before, how did she aquire do much furniture?

Landlady didn't get involved when bill wasn't paid even though it was in our contract.

The obvious thing was to leave but then a minor problem in my health became much more serious and I have been under the hospital whilst getting care.

@SecretGuiltyPleasureLoveIsland working on that!

@PatricksMum Landlady has had a change in circumstances - I would say she is too preoccupied to worry about this. Although I now think she would have been better off engaging a management company to sort these things out as they would be clear and definite about things.

I think the most distressing thing is that she is constantly contradicting me about things that happened before she even moved in and she is raising them. I have no idea why.

When I first met her I thought she seemed a bit fragile - like someone who has gone through a traumatic experience. She was looking for a quiet place to study and work with local children, she said. I gave her loads of advice, names, tips for things, an invite to a speciality event that would have been useful to her.

Ugh bloody housesharing. It’s a nightmare. Do you have a lock on your own room?

@Niffler

No. But I have been up all night looking at flats, contract etc. Will leave as really cannot trust someone like this.

I really could write a book on house sharing. It is an eye opener on human behaviour.

This is a woman who refuted the scientific explanation for the origin of the universe. Our physicist friend explained that actually we do know how the universe was formed (nitrogen, etc) which she was adamant was just person’s view.

Hydrogen!!!!! Not nitrogen!!!Sorry!

Well hide anything precious just in case things take a turn for the worst! Ultimately there’s nothing really you can do to make things better, particularly as your landlady doesn’t seem to want to stand up to her.

I’m not really the person to give lessons out on this (I’m crap at asserting myself sometimes!) but it would be good for you generally if you could work at asserting yourself in these situations I think. For some people they can do it really easily (too easily!) & I’d love to be able to do that. I try to practice what I’m going to say beforehand and just don’t back down. It’s tough though! I think the more assertive person senses the weakness and knows they can just do whatever they want with no consequences! Perhaps they had parents who always pandered to them, who knows. It’s unbelievable sometimes though!