38, my partner unsure about children and wants me to wait.

[Maybebabymummy]

Am I being unreasonable to ask partner to rethink having baby now or leave?

I’m 38 had a baby in my late teens, very complicated pregnancy health wise, the chances of it happening again in another pregnancy are high. I have always been a single mum, have always dreamed of having a family, especially more children. My lovely partner of two years has a 7 year old. Great dad. Financially stable. We live separate but only because it’s complicated with my older child’s education and was easier to wait until this spring to move. Everyone gets on well. My child already has a room at his house and we spend time there. Take holidays together etc I could move earliest March / April time and boyfriend would love me too. That’s been the plan for a while. I would like to trying for baby shortly after we moved in. He’s still unsure about another child and want us to wait a year see if he feels differently in a year. I think this would be reasonable had I been younger and not 38years old already.

I have always dreamed of having a family. I work with children and see all my friends married and having families it’s really tough to think it might not happen for me. Due to my age I would start trying as soon as possible or at least as soon as the move was done. Obviously my hormones and clock are ticking and maybe I’m not thinking straight.
I just think if he’s not sure now, will he ever be? What will a year change.

Yanbu. Tell him unfortunately you don't have a year to waste so if he doesn't want a child you need to split up. Not as an ultimatum just factual.

YANBU. Sounds like he does not want more children.

You need to decide if you want children more than being with him, and if the answer is yes, then you need to leave him.

If you decide to stay with him then you need to be prepared to accept you may never have another child. Nothing is magically make his mind up in a year's time, he is stalling.

Yanbu. Assume his response is a no and just decide whether it's him and no or not him and a possible yes with someone else.

Hang on, you don't even live with the guy but you want to have a child with him? What if he turns out to be an unbearable arsehole? Oh, they're all lovely when you're not living together. But you never really get to know them properly until you live with them. There's a (not insignificant) chance you'll end up as a single mum again.

I bet this is why he isn't sure yet. He just wants to see if things will actually work before taking the plunge.

Is it this man in particular who you want or is it some dream of a perfect family? You'll be a family as soon as you move in together. Is there a particular reason why this isn't enough for you?

Only stay if you could accept your family as it is (his 7 year old and your older child).

It seems to me he doesn't want more children. Is there something from his previous relationship that would mean he would want to wait?

Yanbu. This is likely to be your last chance and you can’t really afford to wait another year. But if you leave it doesn’t automatically mean you’d meet someone else and have got to know them well enough to proceed any sooner either.

Sorry but you don’t even live with the guy, I can see why he’s hesitant to have a child with you! It’s ok to want another child with him but it’s also very reasonable to want to wait. In addition you’ve already both have children so it’s not like you’ve never had the opportunity to parent.

In short YANBU to want a baby and break up with him if he doesn’t but he is probably being the more reasonable one. You’ve been together 2 years and don’t even Iive together, it’s not ideal to bring a child in to the mix, especially if one of the potential parents isn’t totally on board.

Agree you're nuts to consider having a child with a man you don't even live with. His suggestion to bed down for a year is very sensible - he's probably prioritising his child and stability for them (as you should be).

As an aside it makes me so so sad that you don't consider your own child 'family'. You can't even be happy as the four of you, two children in your household wouldn't be good enough for you - only a lovely new baby will do.

What about when that baby's a little boy / girl. Will you still be yearning for 'a family'.

Your attitude is really unpleasant

ViciousJackdaw Yes I completely get that. If it wasn’t for my older child and school we moved in long ago. It’s slightly different because I’m more often at his than mine, I have half my clothes etc at his. We spend more time with each other than a lot of couples I know, I do understand what you saying, in an idea world we would have more years living together first.

You don’t really have a year to sit on it at your age and he needs to understand that. I’d make that absolutely clear to him and see what he says but it sounds as though he doesn’t want another child to me.

If it wasn’t for my older child and school

So if you’re 38 and your child was born when you were ‘late teens’ does that make the ‘child’ roughly 19/20?

Icky, yes oldest in school year

Lostatsea1988 There’s no need to be mean, please don’t assume things. I’m sorry your sad, Of course I consider my child family, of course we have put current children first hence me keeping my rental so long so not to effect him and being so much older and soon of to uni. He’s very happy. Having another child doesn’t mean your neglecting your others.

You need to discuss whether he's unsure whether he wants another child, or whether he's unsure he wants another child with you.

I don't mean that in an arsey way, but in the sense that, as others have said, he may want a baby with you but want to live with you for a bit first to ensure the relationship will last long term.

Or he may not be sure if he wants another kid in general, in which case I think you should assume the end answer will be a no.

But he's not enough, you need a baby with your new partner - right?

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable.

I kind of agree with @Lostatsea1988

I’m getting fed up of reading threads about people rushing into “blending” families and having new children without giving it proper time and thought, particularly in respect of how it will impact the existing children. And then complaining when it all (not surprisingly) goes wrong.

I know how awful it can be to want a child and not have one, but your circumstances (ie your age and previous pregnancy experiences) do not in any way justify rushing into having a new baby if the circumstances are not right. And in this case they are clearly not right, as your partner doesn’t want to move ahead now. He is being sensible in wanting to wait and see how things pan out living together as one family. It might all seem lovely now, but living together with no time diary is very different to maintaining two houses, even if you do spend a lot of time together.

I’d say you need to give it time. Set a deadline if you want. In a year he may well say yes and you’d have wasted more time than that if you split, try to find someone else, and then look to get pregnant.

I’d also consider thinking about why you want another baby in that time. It reads to me like you have a pretty picture of an ideal family in your head that you want to recreate.

Down time not time diary !

I think he is the one with the sense here. You dont live together, so no knowing how that would go. Actually quite sensible and responsible to wait to see how that works out. However I do get why you would like to start ttc asap. best thing would be to wait a year.

You do have a family. A lovely son, a partner and potentially, a step-daughter. If nothing else, you don't need to be pregnant to get that.

I can see both sides of the coin. For him, a new baby is a massive step back in terms of freedom and a bloody big commitment. The sleepless nights are a blissfully receding memory with a 7 year old.

On your side, at 38 your fertility is falling and the risks are mounting. If you have a baby now, they may still be at home when you retire.

It's tricky. If you want a baby over above this man, pick that. If it's about cementing the bond between you, there are other ways to achieve this.

If it's any consolation, with a 20-year:old around the house, you could end up being a grandmother in the next decade anyway.

It needs to be the right time for everyone. So yabu

If I were you, I would go and get my fertility checked out before I made any decisions. Better to be in an informed position about what you’re dealing with, possibilities wise.

I have always dreamed of having a family
But you already ARE a family.
You are the mum and your DS is your child.
I don't get this at all.

Your DP also has a DS so there are 2 adults and 2 children.
Perfect!???
If not and it's a deal breaker for you then you need to end this now and move on as quickly as possible.
Would you have the funds for a sperm donor baby?

PersephoneandHades I don’t think it’s me, I think he would more likely change his mind with me than anyone else but he might well need years and I don’t have that. We’ve discussed it and he said he would like another in the future.

I think he’s being sensible too. You don’t really know someone until you’ve lived with them for some considerable time. There are already two children who will have to get use to a blended home, adding another so soon is all about the adult wants and likely not what’s best for the existing children.