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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

38, my partner unsure about children and wants me to wait.

119 replies

Maybebabymummy · 03/01/2020 15:48

Am I being unreasonable to ask partner to rethink having baby now or leave?

I’m 38 had a baby in my late teens, very complicated pregnancy health wise, the chances of it happening again in another pregnancy are high. I have always been a single mum, have always dreamed of having a family, especially more children. My lovely partner of two years has a 7 year old. Great dad. Financially stable. We live separate but only because it’s complicated with my older child’s education and was easier to wait until this spring to move. Everyone gets on well. My child already has a room at his house and we spend time there. Take holidays together etc I could move earliest March / April time and boyfriend would love me too. That’s been the plan for a while. I would like to trying for baby shortly after we moved in. He’s still unsure about another child and want us to wait a year see if he feels differently in a year. I think this would be reasonable had I been younger and not 38years old already.

I have always dreamed of having a family. I work with children and see all my friends married and having families it’s really tough to think it might not happen for me. Due to my age I would start trying as soon as possible or at least as soon as the move was done. Obviously my hormones and clock are ticking and maybe I’m not thinking straight.
I just think if he’s not sure now, will he ever be? What will a year change.

OP posts:

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 03/01/2020 17:45

Why are you so keen to have more children? You have already raised one and experienced parenthood. Do you really want to do all that again?

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/01/2020 17:48

you need to decide do you want another child more then you want to be with this man

you could stay with him, ttc and not get preg

you could stay ttc and get preg

you could leave him and not find anyone in next two years and then be over 40 and no child and lost the man you love

you could leave him, meet someone new and get preg (trap) first time have sex (iyswim)

JKScot4 · 03/01/2020 18:01

How is a 19/20 yr old at school?
Maybe your bf doesn’t want to go back to babies in his 40s and doesn’t know how to tell you?
Be grateful you’ve raised your DS many people will never have a child.

FruitcakeOfHate · 03/01/2020 18:13

I have always dreamed of having a family.

You already do! Utter folly to risk your health to have another baby and it's never a good idea to just presume you'll have a healthy baby at 39. You haven't even lived with this guy but your desire to have this fantasy baby is overriding all else. No wonder he is wary, you seem to just want to use him to get another sprog with no thought for seeing if the relationship works out living together, the fact that if you do move in you will be a family with two children already, disregarding potential for serious health problems that can have huge ramifications for him and your family, or his feelings.

FruitcakeOfHate · 03/01/2020 18:17

And yes, the impact on his daughter. Just a huge rush to blend families and foist another child on his daughter so you satisfy your need to procreate. Really, really selfish and foolish.

I’m getting fed up of reading threads about people rushing into “blending” families and having new children without giving it proper time and thought, particularly in respect of how it will impact the existing children. And then complaining when it all (not surprisingly) goes wrong.

This!

paranoidmum2 · 03/01/2020 18:29

OP hasn’t said single parent families are not ‘proper’ families!

She wants the nuclear family set up and considering society tells us that’s what we should all aim for, why are people being so judgemental?

Is this really just because OP is now a step-mum and therefore is selfish to want to have another child of her own again?

FruitcakeOfHate · 03/01/2020 18:38

why are people being so judgemental?

Because it's utterly selfish and ridiculous to force a blended families situation on a 7-year-old for the purpose of your own fantasy. It's incredibly selfish to want to have another baby right away after making such a big change to that child's life, especially when you also have health risks to consider, your partner doesn't want to and you haven't even seen how living together will work out. It's also not guarantee you'll have a healthy child the older you get, that's just a fact.

Every post she writes is about this fantasy and it appears to override good sense or what her partner wants.

Bluerussian · 03/01/2020 18:41

You're not unreasonable but he isn't sure. He's probably quite happy with the one he has and thinks you should be with yours. Having a baby is a big thing and starting all over again is certainly not something to be rushed into, especially when you have both already had children.

The thing is, can you be happy without having another child? When you consider that some people can't have any, you have been blessed and your partner has a small one with whom you will presumably have a fair bit of contact. It might be nice to just stay as you are and enjoy your life.

Think about it.

Cleoscats · 04/01/2020 00:31

@paranoidmum2
She wants the nuclear family set up

She can want all she likes but I’m afraid she’ll never have that.

SandyY2K · 04/01/2020 01:29

If the chances if another pregnancy are so high risk healthwise...why risk it at all?

Even if he says no..no more kids for him ...can you realistically develop another relationship if you end it and have enough time to have a baby?

Golfcart · 04/01/2020 01:34

He is prioritising his 7 year old Which is the right thing to do. Your son is an adult and won't be impacted by any of it.

Nos123 · 04/01/2020 01:42

My god, the preconceived notion that an older child will inevitably be damaged by the arrival of a half sibling is ridiculous.

My sister is 9 years older than me and has a different dad. She was delighted when I was born and has always doted on me and we’re really close. Nice to think that most people on here would consider me to have ruined her life!

...and before anyone says it, yes I know it is damaging for some children. But in this situation where the children have a good relationship with both parents and step-parents, it cannot be assumed that the child is being done harm by the arrival of a sibling.

Nos123 · 04/01/2020 01:44

*and my mum had me when she was 38....shock, horror

MsMellivora · 04/01/2020 01:51

You can love someone with all your heart, you can even do what your doing and spend a lot of time together in and out of each other homes. But the actual reality of living together is very different. He is far more sensible wanting to wait a year.

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 04/01/2020 01:53

YABU. You want a man bearing 50 to force his child into a blended home and then with zero cooling off period introduce a baby.
When you have no guarantee that you are even compatible living together.
Almost living there isn't living there.
You've still both got your spaces. Still got some distance so you don't crowd each other.

He's shouldn't change his mind. So you shouldn't look at a baby for another 2 years. By then your child is early 20s...
Or you could dump him and rush out to try and find someone else. They may not be suitable. You could be opening your life up to hell for the next 18 years.

Or it's time to just accept that your plan didn't exactly pan out. But you've ended up with one great child. A wonderful partner and get to parent a SC.

SophieSong · 04/01/2020 02:01

What were the health issues pregnancy wise? I think with one grown child and another not that far off secondary school, plus both of you going into or already in your 40’s it’s a big undertaking to start all the early years again. You’d both have to be really up for it and certain and he really isn’t.

It is also very different having your own place but spending lots of time together and then going into full life sharing. You’d be blending not just your parenting but finances and household. That’s already a massive change without then trying to conceive.

I don’t think it would be responsible to ttc without giving living together a good few months - for a start it will be a big adjustment for the 7 year old. It’s not fair for them to then have to adjust to a pregnancy and baby too. Any baby you had would be a toddler just as they are hitting secondary age which could be really tough on everyone.

Overall it seems like a bad idea to me especially because your partner is not keen.

ForkThis · 04/01/2020 02:04

Because it's utterly selfish and ridiculous to force a blended families situation on a 7-year-old for the purpose of your own fantasy.

I’ve never really understood the MN attitude in regards to this. So if your relationship breaks down or your OH dies, you should never be allowed any more children with anyone else?

motherheroic · 04/01/2020 02:10

If you break up with him what makes you think you're going to find someone else and get pregnant within a year?

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 04/01/2020 02:27

@ForkThis potentially yes. Because above all else the existing children should be priority. A parents wants come second.

motherheroic · 04/01/2020 02:28

@Nos123 It has to be done with care. Her moving in with her son will be a huge change for the daughter. You don't just throw a newborn on top of that and hope for the best.

mathanxiety · 04/01/2020 02:31

Ask him for his gut feeling now.

Look at what you have - an older teen and a 7 year old and by all accounts a very nice man and a happy relationship, and try not to let comparison with your friends' picket fence lives taint your appreciation of it.

"Comparison is the thief of joy".

You are in some ways very lucky. Is there something inside you trying to sabotage what you have? Do you really want to take this relationship as it is and grow it? Or are you finding ways to scuttle it?

Creepster · 04/01/2020 02:39

You need to be straight with yourself. If it is a deal breaker then say so.
If not then stop fretting and enjoy your happy life.

IdiotInDisguise · 04/01/2020 02:45

Hang on, you don't even live with the guy but you want to have a child with him?

Oh dear, that’s why people shouldn’t let hormones do all the talking.

NearlyGranny · 04/01/2020 02:48

All children are 'in the future' when we're planning them, aren't they?

You both want another child - he's said so. The question is whether you attempt that together, I think.

He needs a shake-up because, while he's got plenty of time, you definitely haven't. Conception in your late 30s I'd uncertain anyway and could easily take a year or even more. I think it's time to tell him that future child he wants needs to be embarked on now if he's having it with you. That's human biology. You aren't in a position to wait around.

If he wants to delay even trying, he's not going to be the father of your child, sadly. You need to shrug, say goodbye and tell him you'll move on to find Mr Right who is as keen as you are.

If that doesn't spur him into action, he's simply wasting your last potentially fertile window with his false assurances until it's too late.

Don't fall for it. The hardest thing I ever convinced my DH of was that I really did value honesty above everything else. His family are all head-in-the-sand white liars and I can't be doing with the consequences of that behaviour (though they never seem to see the links!) He still lapses sometimes and I know he thinks I'm cold and calculating, but I'd rather be real and be dealt with honestly. I think this is very important for you right now. Demand honesty and be prepared to accept the truth. Now or never, not see how he feels in 6/12/18 months or 5 years!

ForkThis · 04/01/2020 02:52

@ForkThis potentially yes. Because above all else the existing children should be priority. A parents wants come second.

By that logic, no one should ever have second or subsequent children, blended family or not.

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