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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

38, my partner unsure about children and wants me to wait.

119 replies

Maybebabymummy · 03/01/2020 15:48

Am I being unreasonable to ask partner to rethink having baby now or leave?

I’m 38 had a baby in my late teens, very complicated pregnancy health wise, the chances of it happening again in another pregnancy are high. I have always been a single mum, have always dreamed of having a family, especially more children. My lovely partner of two years has a 7 year old. Great dad. Financially stable. We live separate but only because it’s complicated with my older child’s education and was easier to wait until this spring to move. Everyone gets on well. My child already has a room at his house and we spend time there. Take holidays together etc I could move earliest March / April time and boyfriend would love me too. That’s been the plan for a while. I would like to trying for baby shortly after we moved in. He’s still unsure about another child and want us to wait a year see if he feels differently in a year. I think this would be reasonable had I been younger and not 38years old already.

I have always dreamed of having a family. I work with children and see all my friends married and having families it’s really tough to think it might not happen for me. Due to my age I would start trying as soon as possible or at least as soon as the move was done. Obviously my hormones and clock are ticking and maybe I’m not thinking straight.
I just think if he’s not sure now, will he ever be? What will a year change.

OP posts:

FruitcakeOfHate · 04/01/2020 14:54

One thing you could do is have some basic testing done - either via the GP (although you would have to bullshit a little and say you’ve been trying and no success) or you could pay privately a couple of hundred pounds.

No wonder there will soon be charging to see the fucking GP on the NHS. So many pisstaking CFers.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/01/2020 15:16

@feelinglost02 well he doesn't need to prove it does he because it's not him who wants the added commitment of a child...

I'm not sure I understand where you're coming from.
Blackmailing someone into proposing isn't the basis for a strong and stable marriage, is it? How do you know he's committed if he's forced into it?

feelinglost02 · 04/01/2020 15:53

Who said anything about forcing him into it or blackmail? She's been dating him two years. He should know what he wants by now. She's putting the cart before the horse. She needs the commitment before she thinks about having a child. She has no commitment from him. If he doesn't want to give it, she needs to move on fast

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/01/2020 15:57

@feelinglost02 you did. You literally said to leave him until he proposes...

TacoLover · 04/01/2020 15:59

Why do you keep saying that you dream of having a family? Do you not have one already

feelinglost02 · 04/01/2020 16:12

That's not blackmail, that's walking away from someone when they can't fulfil your needs. Why settle for scraps and waste years of your life on man that doesn't want you

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/01/2020 17:48

She hasn't even said she wants to get married she said she wants a baby. He doesn't want a baby. A proposal is irrelevant and yes what you're proposing would be blackmail.

It's different if she leaves because he doesn't want a baby (or marriage if that's what she wanted) but saying 'change your mind or I'm leaving you' is blackmail.

feelinglost02 · 04/01/2020 17:58

@GiveHerHellFromUs 'change you mind or I'm leaving you?' Where did that phrase come from? Why should a woman stick around if she's not getting what she wants. You leave and if he chooses to follow great. If he doesn't it's still a win because no time more time wasted. That's not blackmail

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/01/2020 18:05

You said No contact until he comes back with an engagement ring.

feelinglost02 · 04/01/2020 18:10

Yes and if he doesn't it's no loss but it's not blackmail. Men don't do things they don't want to do

PositiveVibez · 04/01/2020 18:13

So what is your plan OP, if this man tells you that he doesn't want another child?

Dontdisturbmenow · 04/01/2020 18:26

Why should a woman stick around if she's not getting what she wants
Because maturity is accepting that more often than not you can't have everything you want.

OP wants a partner, a baby with her partner and a baby with a partner now. She's got the former, she might have the second at some point but without guarantee but she can't have the last.

mathanxiety · 04/01/2020 21:01

Unsure is code for no.
He's just biding his time till you become infertile.

Agree with this.

feelinglost02 · 04/01/2020 21:10

@Dontdisturbmenow oh well if that's what maturity is, I'll stick with immaturity

seltaeb · 04/01/2020 21:12

Maybe focus more on the two existing children and making the new family work rather than having another child with all the stresses that brings.

DeathStare · 04/01/2020 21:41

I opened this thread ready to tell you that you were not being unreasonable. But I also expected the back-story to be that you were both childless and had been living together for (and discussing having a baby together) for many years.

The circumstances make a huge difference. Two years isn't a particularly long time to be together - especially if you both already have children to consider, and the relationship hasn't yet reached the point of living together.

I honestly think it would be madness to plan having a baby with someone you haven't been living with for a while (and that's without even the existing children to consider). How do you both know you will even enjoy living together and the relationship will continue?

I also agree with everyone else that you need to consider the existing children first - and for a 7 year old in particular expecting them to adapt to so many changes so quickly isn't very fair.

I know this must be hard for you but I think your DP is actually being sensible and reasonable to want to wait. I think the harder issue - and the one I would want an answer to before moving in - is around his uncertainty. I think it's perfectly reasonable for him to say let's wait a year and then - as long as everything else is working out - let's start trying then. I think it's a different thing for him to say he doesn't know and won't make his mind up for a year. This isn't particularly about a baby per se as much as about whether you want the same things in life - and that's something you need to know before you even think about moving in with him.

So I think you need to have the conversation with him about - if everything else is going well - would he want to start trying for a baby in (for example) a year. If he says he's not sure, then I don't think you can force him but I think you need to consider - now, before you move in with him - whether you could live happily in a relationship with him if in a year his answer turned out to be no. If you know you couldn't, then I think you need to at least think about going your separate ways.

On the other hand at 38 I think you also need to think what your options are. As I said before (and as others have said) I think it is perfectly reasonable for any person to want to have some time living with a partner before trying for a baby. So even if you decided to end your relationship today, and found a new partner tomorrow you could be easily be 40/41 before a new partner felt ready to try for a baby - which may be too late. How would you feel if you left your partner and still ended up with no baby?

Would you be willing to try donor sperm insemination and have a baby as a single parent? And is something you have the funds to do?

Sorry this has turned into such a long answer - much longer than I expected it to be, but I think you have a lot to consider. But I don't think your DP is being unreasonable.

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2020 21:54

What will you do if he decides he doesn't want any more? Would you leave someone who loves you and whom you love on the off-chance you might meet someone else you might have a baby with?

What if you never meet someone else?

Pumpkinpie1 · 04/01/2020 21:59

I am not really surprised he wants to wait it feels from your post like you are eying him up as a sperm donor. You already both have children , a ready made family but your talking as if they aren’t as important as your hormones
Moving in together is problematic it’s very different than going on a holiday Personally I think he’s right to want to want to move in together have everybody settled first

Babynamechangerr · 04/01/2020 22:34

There are multiple reasons why this is not a treat plan -

you're with someone who you're not living with (doesn't matter why, you're not), who you've only been with two years, who's obviously not that fussed about having another child or having any further commitment to you (I don't think the pp's point about marriage is actually that ridiculous - if you want a child together it is generally better to be married first).

he already has a 7 year old he is responsible for, think about the impact having another child around would have (I'm not saying people don't do it but when a new couple start a family the existing children can feel displaced)

the complications you experienced as a teenager when biologically you're the most prepared for childbirth are likely to be a lot worse two decades later.

you have already had a child, you've had the experience of raising a child, even if it wasn't in the most conducive circumstances. It would be more understandable if you'd not had children but you do sound a bit foolish / selfish.

In my opinion, you should move in for at least a year before considering a family, you should be considering marriage (you've obviously raised one child as a single parent, it's not like it will be as easy again), and if it all works out and you both want to try when in a more committed relationship then at 40 you still can get pregnant.

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