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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

38, my partner unsure about children and wants me to wait.

119 replies

Maybebabymummy · 03/01/2020 15:48

Am I being unreasonable to ask partner to rethink having baby now or leave?

I’m 38 had a baby in my late teens, very complicated pregnancy health wise, the chances of it happening again in another pregnancy are high. I have always been a single mum, have always dreamed of having a family, especially more children. My lovely partner of two years has a 7 year old. Great dad. Financially stable. We live separate but only because it’s complicated with my older child’s education and was easier to wait until this spring to move. Everyone gets on well. My child already has a room at his house and we spend time there. Take holidays together etc I could move earliest March / April time and boyfriend would love me too. That’s been the plan for a while. I would like to trying for baby shortly after we moved in. He’s still unsure about another child and want us to wait a year see if he feels differently in a year. I think this would be reasonable had I been younger and not 38years old already.

I have always dreamed of having a family. I work with children and see all my friends married and having families it’s really tough to think it might not happen for me. Due to my age I would start trying as soon as possible or at least as soon as the move was done. Obviously my hormones and clock are ticking and maybe I’m not thinking straight.
I just think if he’s not sure now, will he ever be? What will a year change.

OP posts:
Yeahnah2020 · 04/01/2020 03:24

The “future “ is now. You may not even be able to get pregnant at 38 or it could take ages. Time is certainly not on your side. How old is he? If he doesn’t agree to a baby now, I think you should leave.

RichTwoTurkeyFriend · 04/01/2020 06:23

You aren’t being unreasonable to want another baby, but you are being unreasonable to expect to move in with him and his 7 year old, and have a baby straight away.
I’m not of the school of thought that it’s always a bad idea to have more children in subsequent relationships but it’s certainly a bad idea to have one so soon with someone you haven’t lived with. And it’s not fair on his daughter to have so much change, so quickly.
I know time is not on your side but unfortunately your partner is right here and needs to prioritise his DD and to ensure this is going to work before such a big change.

VestaTilley · 04/01/2020 06:51

YABU to want a baby with a man you haven't lived with. It's also really unrealistic to think if you dump him you'll meet another potential (good) father within a year- unless you're willing to get pregnant by some random bloke, which would be very irresponsible and unfair on the child if they turned out to be a bad person.

Also, you do have a family! Unless I misread your post, in which case apologies, you have a child and a step-child. That's a family.

Wait a year.

Bluntness100 · 04/01/2020 06:56

I think he's being very sensible. And I don't understand your line yoh wish a family, you have a child, he has a child, you will be a family. And with your child alone you're already a family.

You don't even live together. Irrelevant of how much time you spend there. Move in, give it a few months, see if it works. Then decide. Yes age isn't on your side, but rushing it is never ever a good idea.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/01/2020 07:13

I actually think you're being quite selfish. You know you'd probably be really quite unwell during pregnancy.

If your (adult) son is still so heavily reliant on you, and your partner doesn't live with you, who are you expecting to look after you and take you to appointments when you can't take yourself etc?

It's very different having a newborn baby at 18 or at 38.

Even if your partner did want the baby, how would your son feel? How would your partners child feel?
How would the logistics work with regards to contact for his daughter?
Who would move where?

There's so much to consider in terms of blending your already existent family before you even contemplate another child.

Skatesbythesea · 04/01/2020 07:32

Can you not just keep your own place for 3-6 months then if it does not work out you have a back up plan.

Otherwise it will take you time to resettle and meet someone else.

Or do you think he just isn't going to bend to the facts?

Either way give it a time limit op.

Bluerussian · 04/01/2020 07:36

Well, none of us can help how we feel and the op feels broody. That's life, most of us do at times and there's nothing wrong with her coming on here and expressing her feelings. However I do hope, especially after reading all our posts (possibly, there are quite a lot), that she will see sense and stop planning to have another child when she doesn't even live with the potential father.

If they do end up living together they could enjoy a really good life with the two children they already have.

loveandsparkles · 04/01/2020 07:37

I think there are two sides

Wanting to know if you'll have another baby ever, I'm 38 in the same boat with my husband at 38 you do feel this and it's a real real feeling

Sounds like he's not saying never just not yet, whilst not ideal you may still have another 5 years I'm giving myself until 43 for my husband to decide however I have a health issue that means having one now would be better for me. I think realistically if he doesn't want one in the next year I'll probably leave it. But it has to be mutual,

Would you really leave or is that an ultimatum? I get this I've felt like saying it but it's totally wrong to say this having a baby has to be the right time for both of you I've realised this by wrongly saying to my husband I'd like one and he doesn't feel that ready yet it's not a no just not now

AvaSnowdrop · 04/01/2020 07:41

There’s not much you can do either way. Stay but not have a baby because he doesn’t want one. Or leave but not have a baby because you have no partner. You don’t have enough time to meet someone else. Your only chance really is IVF or a ONS but you’d be a single mum.

loveandsparkles · 04/01/2020 07:49

Oh and just to clarify my post I would never leave my husband just that I get that overwhelming sense of broodiness that you think irrationally!

Bluerussian · 04/01/2020 07:57

It's not irrational to feel broody, it's normal. I went through a phase of it at 37 then one day I woke up and it had gone. I'm really glad I didn't act on my broodiness.

Beautiful3 · 04/01/2020 07:57

You don't live with him so technically you'd be a single mum. If you had complications last time, who's going to look after you this time? I think you would need to be living with him for at least a year, before considering another child.

slashlover · 04/01/2020 08:01

By that logic, no one should ever have second or subsequent children, blended family or not.

There's a difference between moving in together, getting pregnant and having a baby within a year/18 months and moving in together, giving the 7 year old time to settle, giving full attention to the 7 year old to work out any issues and then getting pregnant and having a baby.

ByeMF · 04/01/2020 08:04

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all to want another baby. I think a lot of people on this thread are biased by their own experiences as there are some way OTT responses. For some of us, it's a real biological need, more primal than thought out. I had my second very late. A friend had her second in her early 40s so you still have time.

I can also completely understand his view! He's early 40s and already a dad. He might have spent the last few years thinking the baby years are behind him.

Best case is he changes his mind, you have a difficult pregnancy followed by a healthy baby. But what if you have a child with a disability? How will that affect you all? Could you cope? (One of my kids is disabled and the impact on the family is massive).

If he says no, then you are left with the choice of staying in a happy relationship with a man you already love. Or leaving him, try to meet someone else who is desperate for kids (how likely is that?) and immediately rush into a difficult pregnancy.

In the circumstances, I think you might benefit from some counseling so you can work through what your priorities are. It might make everything clearer so you know you've made the right decision.

Zeusthemoose · 04/01/2020 08:22

I would say be very careful not to let hormones ruin a potentially lovely future with your family of 4.
The main reason my friend left her husband was because he didn't want any more children. They have 2, she wanted 3. She was 37 at the time. I thought she was mad - how could 2 kids not be enough? Plan didn't work - no baby and a few ex boyfriends that we to be frank total arses.

The main issue here I think is your high risk of health problems. Why risk it - Can't you step back and appreciate what you have?

HouseworkAvoider10 · 04/01/2020 08:25

Unsure is code for no.
He's just biding his time till you become infertile.

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 04/01/2020 09:21

@ForkThis there are a lot of people. As seen on MN who should never have gone on to have second families.

There are a lot of times it works wonderfully. I know a lot in RL.
Here however. The OPs plan is awful.

feelinglost02 · 04/01/2020 09:42

Just stop seeing him. Say you want different things and leave it at that. No contact until he comes back with an engagement ring. I would not have a child with someone without a wedding first tbh. You need to be a lot surer about his commitment before you think about kids

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/01/2020 09:46

@feelinglost02 assuming that's a joke about the engagement ring? Quite concerning if not...

Helmetbymidnight · 04/01/2020 09:55

does the 7 yr old live with her dadfull time?

i dont think its ridiculous or unpleasant to think after two years together, when both parties want another child, to think about it now...

you need lots of honest chats together op, and maybe 6 mths as a compromise?

feelinglost02 · 04/01/2020 10:00

@GiveHerHellFromUs no I'm quite serious. How many threads do we have from women in turmoil because they're several children in, want to get married and partner won't? Points to the guy not really being committed or in love.

Grumpos · 04/01/2020 10:07

38 isn’t the end of the world, lots of women have children at 40 (Ive had mine at 37&39 - late starter!)

However! Yes there are things to consider leaving it another year or so.

One thing you could do is have some basic testing done - either via the GP (although you would have to bullshit a little and say you’ve been trying and no success) or you could pay privately a couple of hundred pounds.

Two blood tests to see a) egg reserve b) ovulation
If both of these seem good then it does give you a little breathing space - I wouldn’t recommend getting pregnant before you’ve lived together for a little while at least. I did that and it was so stressful, too much change at one time.
If the tests don’t come back all that positive then you have a whole other conversation to have.

It’s just a suggestion to perhaps prompt your decision making, would it be worth jacking in a lovely relationship with someone only to find out in 2 years your egg reserve has been non existent anyway?

Sorry to sound blase about it - I’m not, just been there done that is all

Good luck!

CentralPerkMug · 04/01/2020 10:12

Neither of you are abu. It is understandable that he would want to wait until you all live together and settle in before considering a baby. It is also understandable that you want another baby before its too late. I do find your choice of words distasteful though and I think its sad you didn't see you and your son as a family.

At the end of the day, only you can decide whether it is worth uprooting your whole life to live with this man and his child when you probably won't get what you want most - a new baby. It isn't fair to try and blackmail him into having a baby, if he doesn't want another, that is fair enough. It is really up to you whether or not you can accept that.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/01/2020 14:26

@feelinglost02 but he doesn't want a child. It's nothing to do with marriage.

feelinglost02 · 04/01/2020 14:43

@GiveHerHellFromUs it's about his level of commitment. She shouldn't even be considering children when she can't be sure he has any intention of sticking around Hmmwhat has he done to suggest he is a permanent fixture in her life?