38, my partner unsure about children and wants me to wait.

[Maybebabymummy]

Am I being unreasonable to ask partner to rethink having baby now or leave?

I’m 38 had a baby in my late teens, very complicated pregnancy health wise, the chances of it happening again in another pregnancy are high. I have always been a single mum, have always dreamed of having a family, especially more children. My lovely partner of two years has a 7 year old. Great dad. Financially stable. We live separate but only because it’s complicated with my older child’s education and was easier to wait until this spring to move. Everyone gets on well. My child already has a room at his house and we spend time there. Take holidays together etc I could move earliest March / April time and boyfriend would love me too. That’s been the plan for a while. I would like to trying for baby shortly after we moved in. He’s still unsure about another child and want us to wait a year see if he feels differently in a year. I think this would be reasonable had I been younger and not 38years old already.

I have always dreamed of having a family. I work with children and see all my friends married and having families it’s really tough to think it might not happen for me. Due to my age I would start trying as soon as possible or at least as soon as the move was done. Obviously my hormones and clock are ticking and maybe I’m not thinking straight.
I just think if he’s not sure now, will he ever be? What will a year change.

Is he a lot younger than you OP?

OP, have you had your fertility checked out?

I wouldn’t bother if I was you op.
Just wait for the grandkids to enjoy!

Lostatsea1988 🙄 Yes I would like Two children. Many people would like more than one child if they can. It doesn’t effect your love or commitment to your first.

I think he's sensible to want to live together first, especially when you both have a child already.

I would talk and see if it's that he wants to live together first and if it goes well he wants to try, or if he is uncertain whether he wants to have a baby at all.

If the latter, it's a difficult decision as you have to weigh up the likelihood of meeting someone else in time to have a baby together versus the relationship and blended family you have now.

I’m honestly not a member of the grammar police but effect and affect are two different words. You keep using effect when you mean to use the verb “affect”

hellsbellsmelons No he’s 42years

The way you said you have always dreamed of having a family makes it sound like you don't have any children. You do have a family, it's just not as a big as you'd like

The thing is, to be blunt, you could walk away to try to meet someone else and have children and fail to do so and end up alone.

I think some posters are coming to their own conclusions a bit based on the OPs wording.
I have two children, of course I love them both exactly the same. I grew up in a family of four. For (I'm guessing) that reason, my family didn't feel quite complete at one child. I knew I wanted two. Do I love one more? Or consider one family and the other one not? Of course not. What a ridiculous conclusion to come to.

I'd say OP, it's understandable that you feel the way you do. But your DP isn't being unreasonable either in stating what he wants. You need to decide whether staying with him is more important than having another child. A Frank and honest discussion is needed.

I think he’s being very sensible okay 38 is older but it’s certainly not old
You don’t even live together
Are you just willing to have another child regardless of the potential consequences
Do you just want a child with anybody is it better to split up with him in the hope of finding somebody else who has got the same idea as you or being patient with someone that I assume you love and making sure it’s the right thing for everyone your existing children included

Biologically speaking the prime age of child rearing is above 25 isn’t it and then from 27/28 it starts to dwindle. Yes people have pregnancies beyond this but at 38 you’re quite stretched already, never mind waiting a few years and then trying again.

Have you been told you re high risk and this is why he wants you to wait until you are past it.
Had my last one at 37 during the menopause, good job I didn't wait, would have been too late.
If your last baby was teens and your age now, you may be fine, so much has changed during that time.

Well I was only able to have one child and I don't consider us not to be a proper family 😑

I think you're wording of 'I've always wanted a family' is fairly shitty. Family doesn't always mean a man and a woman and two kids.

I understand you would like another child but if I was him I wouldn't be jumping to have another child with someone I don't even live with yet. You have two options - give him a year or split up - however at 38 are you going to find someone to have a baby with in the next couple of years - realistically yes you are running out of time.

Life doesn't always turn out exactly how you want it to. I've just had to have a hysterectomy at 38. I have a a lovely DH and a DS so I am very lucky.

It sounds like he does want children with you. So do you think he hasn't faced the reality of your declining fertility and doesn't realise how much difference a year might make? Or do you think he's fully aware of all that but still doesn't think that outweighs his feeling that it's too early / he's not ready and isn't prepared to take the risk?

If you think it's the first, I think you're entitled to put a little pressure on. Some men are a bit oblivious about this. However, if it's the latter, I believe he has the right to feel ready even if that means it may never happen. Obviously you also have the right to leave the relationship if that doesn't work for you.

It's not the idea of having more than one child, it's the idea that there are apparently many people who seem to think they aren't a real couple until they've had a baby together.

If I was 20 and my mother found happiness with a lovely man I'd honestly be bewildered if she turned around and said 'but I'm not done parenting, I need a family'

You are talking about disrupting a 7 year old's life to satisfy a selfish craving for a baby.

You don't want a child, or to extend your family - that's what you're getting but it's not good enough.

I suspect your son is of an age where he can handle himself. If your DP didn't have kids I can see why he might want a child and why you'd be happy to 'give' him one but this is madness.

In a lot of ways a new child will experience life as an only child. One sibling will be an adult and off leading their own life, and the other will still be too old to be interested in spending much time with the new addition. How does your ‘family’ image play out in your mind? There’s a real chance that you will have three offspring between you who won’t really have much in common.

What about your partner's child though? He's still young and it would be a big change for someone to move in AND have another baby quickly. It's good to see that your partner is thinking carefully about this.

Your post is all about your dreams and how you want to fulfil them. There is not a lot about how it would affect anyone else involved.

Normally in thead situations I think you should leave as the man is effectively asking the woman to wait til it's too late ie asking her not to have children.

But in your case I know you get on and spend a lot of time together but you havent actually lived together. I wouldn't have a baby with someone I hadn't lived with for at least a few months.

I guess it depends on how he is viewing it - if its he would like a child but wants to wait til you have lived together first then I think that's sensible. If its 'even in the best case scenario of living together going great, he still wont be sure whether he still wants a baby because its other reasons stopping him (doesnt want to go back to changing nappies, cant face lack of sleep, finances) then I think that's another discussion and if he cant articulate his reasons or give you a reasonable assessment of how likely he is to change his mind, then you may have to decide whether you want to leave

This is fairly obvious, but if you leave your current partner you would then need to meet someone new and be with them long enough to judge whether they are likely to make a good parent before getting pregnant which could potentially take several years.

@nowaypose You don’t really have a year to sit on it at your age and he needs to understand that. I’d make that absolutely clear to him and see what he says but it sounds as though he doesn’t want another child to me.
No, the poster needs to accept he’s saying he’s not sure, not continue with the emotion blackmail of “I’m running out of time”. I agree he definitely doesn’t sound like he wants another child.

You have 2 children between you, isn't that enough? I think it would be very odd to have 19yo and then a baby, and then your step daughter stuck in between. I always wonder how I would have felt if I was thrown into a blended family as a child and I think I would have hated it, and then have a new baby thrown into the mix as well.

He is very wise. I totally agree with those who've said that being in a relationship with each living in their own place is very different to sharing the same place 24/7. Add a new baby and what is a perfect relationship can turn in the partnership from hell.

It might be that from your perspective having another baby is worth the try as you'd be happy even if you were to separate whereas he isn't as keen on another child and would only consider it a blessing if you were very likely to be together for years raising the child.

He is totally entitled to his reservations. In the end, you gave to decide if you'd rather have a child at all cost or to be with him long term.

If he’s putting (what I agree are sensible) restrictions on ttc then I can only presume he’s doing it with the realistic knowledge that you don’t have time in your side. Either he has very unrealistic expectations about the ease of conceiving and carrying a pregnancy around 40 or he hasn’t got the nerve to tell you it’s not what he wants.

For the sake of your future with him you both need to open and completely honest about this. If you go along with his plan then don’t conceive you have the potential to carry a lot of resentment which will impact the relationship any way.

If he doesn’t want more children then he has to be completely honest and give you that information so you can decide what you can honestly live with.

Biologically speaking you really haven’t got the luxury of time. If you wait a year or two what and he says no to ttc what do you do then when your lives will be more deeply intertwined?

A 19 year gap is massive.