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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think there's nothing shocking about a married woman with kids going away with friends?

129 replies

Holidayaddict · 03/01/2020 14:38

Middle aged, married mother of teens here!

I recently went on a European city break with two female friends, one single with no kids, the other in similar situation to myself, if relevant. It was very sensible - sightseeing and a few nice meals & drinks.

I happened to mention it to elderly neighbour who looked shocked and said "and your DH was happy with that?" and said that her husband would never have allowed it. I took it with a pinch of salt given her age when she then said that her daughter in law had done similar and her son (in his 40s) was not happy at all but let her go in the end. I made a mental note that her son must be a chauvenist and forgot about it.

Then, a few days later, I met with a friend who is the same age as me and has kids in their late teens and early 20s. Subject of my trip came up and she seemed genuinely shocked and said her husband would not be happy at all if she did that. I said that was ridiculous, that my husband had no problem and I didn't expect otherwise. I half seriously suggested that we organise something ourselves but her reaction told me it was an absolute no no!

I have to say I was shocked by these attitudes in this day and age! Surely this isn't the norm amongst middle aged men, or is it?

OP posts:

NoSauce · 03/01/2020 17:45

DH and I have separate holidays as well as together every year! I also go on holiday with female friends too quite regularly. I’ve also been known to go alone with the DC.

I like a certain type of holiday that DH isn’t keen on and vice versa. It works for us.

Oblomov20 · 03/01/2020 17:53

Blimey.
I go away with female friends for a long weekend abroad every year and have been for the last decade.
Didn't realise this was an issue.

Walnutwhipster · 03/01/2020 17:57

I'm going away on a road trip in May with two close friends it didn't even cross my mind to ask DH's permission. We have two young teens still at home. I'm sure he'll cope.

Original poster

Holidayaddict · 03/01/2020 18:00

Phew - not just me then! The only reason I can understand someone being narked is if their partner was using money or leave which meant family holidays were restricted. That's the only reason I haven't done it more. In fact, the same friends plus some new additions want to go away again Thing is, they want to go for much longer this time and I know I'm unlikely to have the time & money. Therefore, as a compromise, I'll likely join them for a couple of days instead. To not be "allowed" to go is just Dickensian!

OP posts:

1foot2feet · 03/01/2020 18:02

My parents often go on trips separately. They go away together but have different interests too, my mum often has cycling holidays or weekends away with her female friends all of whom are married with children, and my dad goes skiing every 4 years or so. Not weird at all

moonsmarshmellow · 03/01/2020 18:03

Did they say how they felt about it if the roles were reversed?

Eg if a married man with teenage kids went away with friends for a holiday or stag do or whatever, are the attitudes the same?

Lipperfromchipper · 03/01/2020 18:05

I’m always going away and my dc are only 6 and 4! I don’t need dh’s permission as such either. And vice versa of course!!

moonsmarshmellow · 03/01/2020 18:09

And I have often gone away for a weekend here and there with friends, even when my child was toddler aged. DH can manage just fine and has been away himself. I cannot stand any double standards with sort of thing.

I do know some women who have to make a point of asking before going out for a couple of drinks with friends but DH going to the pub for a few after work or similar is just something that happens.

Shockers · 03/01/2020 18:09

I often go away with friends; DH isn’t the slightest bit bothered. I’d be a bit bothered if he did, but only because I’d want to go too! .

CountFosco · 03/01/2020 18:13

I wouldn't be shocked at all, sounds great fun. Mum went away when we were teenagers but I (as the eldest girl) was expected to run the household when she was away so there was definitely an element of 'poor helpless man' there . Closest we get is DH taking the DC to visit MIL without me (or me visiting DM with the DC) and the other one getting to concentrate on work (and having a few nights out!). TBH I'd rather have a romantic trip away with DH than go on a holiday with friends but that won't happen till my DC are a bit older. Already told DD1 when she's 16 we are making full use of her as a babysitter!

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/01/2020 18:16

My mother is 66 and regularly goes off on city breaks with her friends. Think my dad quite likes it, means he doesn't have to pretend to be interested in cathedrals and can spend a weekend with the football on non stop.

ethelredonagoodday · 03/01/2020 18:18

Yep, like others I've done this lots and in the last couple of years even more so. DH also goes away with his pals too. I'm off to Glasto this year! Eeek!

Littleroundone · 03/01/2020 18:20

I go away several times a year with my pals, in fact going on a wee jolly tomorrow with one of my pals. It does everyone the world of good and tbh life is about balance being a mum and an individual with my own interests too. As long as it's not every weekend I don't personally see what the problem is.

My DH loves his sole weekends with the kids and they have lots of fun when I'm not around and it's good for them to have one on one time with their dad. My DH goes away from time to time as well and is away to a gig later in the month with a pal in another city and we will cope just fine.

In my circle it's perfectly normal, the only friend that doesn't do it has a very controlling husband and she misses out big time I think but it's her life. I feel sorry for her.

My DM regularly left us too , not for girly weekends as such but she was in guiding for years and went to camp and other weekends away. My DF was fine , he just managed to feed us kids for the weekend and I remember he would take us kids out for a drive on the Saturday and then a kick around with the football! Happy days.

Ibizafun · 03/01/2020 18:21

Normal in my world..

maddening · 03/01/2020 18:30

Normal for me too, I went in a festival cruise alone last year and off to a festival with people from the cruise this year.

OhWellThatsJustGreat · 03/01/2020 18:30

My dh is encouraging me to go away at the end of the month for a girls weekend. Our son will be almost 7 months, I asked him if it was OK for me to go, both from a monetary perspective and if he would be OK with me gone for 2 nights, neither of us has left the other alone over night with him beyond early hours as the opportunity hasn't arisen, yet both of our parents have had him over night a few times.

His reply was that I have ds all day every day, 2 nights isn't going to kill him (he actually said that he is his father and its his job) and if he struggles both sets of parents are less than 10 minutes away so he can call for help if needed.

One of my closest friends wouldn't dream of a weekend away and her youngest is 2.

Celticrose · 03/01/2020 18:48

My mum took me and my ds with two of her sisters away for a few days in the sixties. My dad had no problem with it. She also went on her own long haul to help my ds when her DC were born. I have also visited my ds on my own a 7 hour flight. Also a few weekends without DH. Never a problem and he has been away on his own also not a problem.

Oblomov20 · 03/01/2020 20:50

LoveIsland : "My mother is 66 and regularly goes off on city breaks with her friends. Think my dad quite likes it, means he doesn't have to pretend to be interested in cathedrals and can spend a weekend with the football on non stop."

Sounds heavenly!

GeriAtric · 03/01/2020 21:18

I go away with my female friends a couple of times a year; I really look forward to it. My DH has no issue with it whatsoever. I have come across people (mostly women but perhaps that's just who I speak to about it) who are shocked that (a) I choose to spend the away from my DH and DC and (b) that my DH is fine with it. I've also has the "me and DH have never spend a night apart in 30 years" comments. Well, that's fine for you but not what I want for my own life.

Rubyupbeat · 03/01/2020 21:32

Pusuing our own interests and time away with friends is what goes towards a long and healthy marriage, weve been married 35 years and always done our own thing, as well as shared holidays and interests.

lakeswimmer · 03/01/2020 21:34

YANBU. I've got three kids and DH and I have both gone away on our own/with friends. In fact I'm going away with a friend next weekend. We don't do it often as we don't have much spare time or money but it's completely normal in my view.

My DF and DM also used to go away without each other and they were born in 1924 and 1930 respectively so this isn't just a thing for younger generations. My DF wasn't very domesticated but we all managed to muddle through when my DM was away

KatherineJaneway · 06/01/2020 08:14

Some couples won't do anything without each other though, so I can imagine those type of people having a cats bum face about a woman going away with friends.

Frenchw1fe · 06/01/2020 08:22

@GeriAtric I don't get the we've never been apart comment either. Why is total interdependency something to be proud of?

ittooshallpass · 06/01/2020 08:22

They are all bonkers. There is nothing wrong with going away with your friends.

Out for a school mums do recently... one of the mums needed to get a receipt for her food 'because her husband will want to see what she spent'. I was astounded. I thought that shit was left in the 1950s?!

Rezie · 06/01/2020 08:31

I can imagine partner not being happy about it. Not because he wouldn't be happy yo be home alone with the kids, but because it would probably mean that he won't be able to go on holiday that year.

It's ridiculous if husbands are not happy just cause they have to take care of the home and kids. But I do understand not being happy if it means something else for them.

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