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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there's nothing shocking about a married woman with kids going away with friends?

129 replies

Holidayaddict · 03/01/2020 14:38

Middle aged, married mother of teens here!

I recently went on a European city break with two female friends, one single with no kids, the other in similar situation to myself, if relevant. It was very sensible - sightseeing and a few nice meals & drinks.

I happened to mention it to elderly neighbour who looked shocked and said "and your DH was happy with that?" and said that her husband would never have allowed it. I took it with a pinch of salt given her age when she then said that her daughter in law had done similar and her son (in his 40s) was not happy at all but let her go in the end. I made a mental note that her son must be a chauvenist and forgot about it.

Then, a few days later, I met with a friend who is the same age as me and has kids in their late teens and early 20s. Subject of my trip came up and she seemed genuinely shocked and said her husband would not be happy at all if she did that. I said that was ridiculous, that my husband had no problem and I didn't expect otherwise. I half seriously suggested that we organise something ourselves but her reaction told me it was an absolute no no!

I have to say I was shocked by these attitudes in this day and age! Surely this isn't the norm amongst middle aged men, or is it?

OP posts:
Singsongbird · 03/01/2020 15:56

Can't wait til my youngest is a little older and I can do this. The thought of it keeps me going!!

Mrsjayy · 03/01/2020 15:59

I’ve seen some awful stories here of women who are ill or injured and their husband does literally nothing for them.

It really shocks me that fathers don't give a flying fart about their partners mothers of their children when they are ill usually because they are very important with very important Jobs Hmm

notalwaysalondoner · 03/01/2020 15:59

Even without kids on the scene, we had similar reactions to going away separately once we’d got married. It was like some people couldn’t understand that just because we’d got wedding rings on it doesn’t mean we’re joined at the hip. Particularly going on holiday with family without each other has raised comments, even though my DH would much rather use the week of holiday from work to go on a trip for his hobby than go on our annual family UK seaside trip with my parents and sister, and I’m completely fine with that.

tunnocksreturns2019 · 03/01/2020 16:00

Very much YANBU. I’m a widowed parent with no one to leave my kids with and goodness me I could do with a weekend away with friends, which my late husband would have definitely supported. Parents and in laws too elderly to cope with the kids without me there, and though I have kind friends, they’ve got their own families to look after.

Get away if you can!

BigcatLittlecat · 03/01/2020 16:01

I go away without my DH on girls weekend and I also go away to watch a team and sometimes there are men in the group! I always run it past my DH not to check if I can go but if there is something else on! I think he likes it when I'm away!!
I worked with a woman who once when we suggested going out for a drink after work on the friday said she would have to check with her husband! She did check and the next day came in and said that he had said no she couldn't go because she had been out enough times that month already!

SandyY2K · 03/01/2020 16:04

@Coffeeisnecessary

although he gets a lot more offers of help and sympathy offered than I do when he goes away!!

I found the same when I went away. Other mums would offer DH help 8n dropping off/picking up from to parties and activities.

Sometimes they'd text me and ask if they should pick up DD....and I would say thanks, but no.... couldn't have him thinking it was easy doing all that running around.

He still doesn't know I refused the help for him years later. Grin

LolaLollypop · 03/01/2020 16:05

I am always so puzzled by the friends who "could never leave their children/husbands" . I've always gone away with girlfriends even before DH/DC came along. I love it! Everyone needs their own time and space.

I was watching Ferne McCann First Time Mum and she actually quoted something that has really stuck in my mind! "I've had a child not a lobotomy". If you were outgoing and went away with your pals before having kids, chances are you'll want to do it after.

I'm currently pg with no2 and already planning some fun kid-free summer antics!

GrapesAreMyJam · 03/01/2020 16:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Georgousgordon · 03/01/2020 16:10

I think my mil is horrified that I do this. I don't care. Her son gets plenty of free time himself.

Chuffit · 03/01/2020 16:12

I don't get the whole ' allowed ' thing. How old are these women? 10?
Why are you allowing yourself to be dictated to?
I've been away plenty with my friends for the weekend and longer. I went to Mexico for a week with friends when my youngest was 5 months old.
The day my husband ' allows ' me to do anything will be the day we get divorced!
Whether it's a trip for me or him, we discuss it for finances and practicalities, but ultimately it's not about allowing.
Kids are adults now so childcare obviously isn't an issue, however, when they were small we both went on trips with friends separately as well as the main family holiday.

Wellmet · 03/01/2020 16:19

@Andsbk I hope your post was a joke!
It annoys me when people see it as lucky not to be married to an arsehole. I wouldn't have married him if he wasn't on my wavelength. I'm lucky to have met a nice man and fall in love with him, yes, but if I hadn't I'd be single (and just as free to make my own decisions). I wouldn't have got involved with someone who thought they could dictate to me. That's not luck, it's good decision making.

Mrsjayy · 03/01/2020 16:20

My late Mil was a huge advocate of having time to myself, my own mum wasa who will make the dinner type.

Ithinkwerealonenowtiffany · 03/01/2020 16:26

Ive never been for a jolly with the girls, but i have been to a city in the uk to run a marathon with them. I don’t want to go TBH. Im a home bird.

Come to think of it DH hasn't neither. We’re always out and about and running a small holding, so we are happy doing what we do.

If your OH is happy to stay with the kids well why not?

DowntonCrabby · 03/01/2020 16:32

I’ve done it and so has DH, no issues on either side.

A friend whom I’ve been away with though and her DH were openly aghast/appalled that a random acquaintance of ours had gone long haul without her DH a few years ago.
I challenged their opinion and they couldn’t say exactly why/how long/how far would be OK to go for a break with no DH/DC. Confused

nowaypose · 03/01/2020 16:37

I think your friend is jealous tbh. I’ve done this before and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it whatsoever.

Saxineno · 03/01/2020 16:37

I wouldn't do it personally, as money is tight and I'd rather spend that money on a family trip. But if I could afford it I would go and DH and kids would wave me off happily

Rosebel · 03/01/2020 16:44

My husband wouldn't be happy. I don't think he would stop me but he wouldn't be happy about it. Looking after 3 children is a lot.

1forAll74 · 03/01/2020 16:46

This might be jokey, but some men that I know, would say that they would be glad to off load their wife/ partner,for a week or so,, then they could have some peace and quiet !

LBOCS2 · 03/01/2020 16:53

When our DC were very small (ie from the point at which I stopped solely breastfeeding) DH and I actually had an agreement that we could take at least one weekend a year to ourselves, to do what we want with. He went to a European festival or on various stags, and I would visit friends up and down the country.

Now they're a bit older we probably go away a couple of weekends a year each, plus we have a weekend together away somewhere while my family has the DC. It's good for us not to just be mum or dad for a while. Depending on the level of family support they have, our friends do something similar.

I do think it's a very old fashioned and/or controlling attitude to have towards it.

memberofseven · 03/01/2020 17:00

I go away with a group of 6 at least twice a year sometimes more. Defiantly normal in my demographic. I suspect it's a disposable income thing.

rookiemere · 03/01/2020 17:15

DH and I both have separate weekends as well as shared family holidays as he likes hiking and camping and I like skiing and city breaks. DS is a teen now and it just means if we go with friends DH can climb mountains and I can visit "boring" historical monuments and our family holidays is stuff that DS enjoys.

I think it's become more popular with women since they've had their own disposable income.

sonjadog · 03/01/2020 17:30

I can't think of anyone I know who wouldn't go off for a break with friends and leave the kids behind (unless they are very small). I remember in my own childhood, my Mum went off on trips every year and left us with my Dad for a week every spring. She needed a break. My Dad was in no way a modern man, but we survived on beans on toast and take aways for a week. This was in the 1970s, so it isn't a recent thing.

doritosdip · 03/01/2020 17:39

There are Dads on here that have never looked after their 2 kids alone while their partner goes out shopping.

I've read stories about Dads who can't even dress their dd. Top plus leggings is apparently too hard for them to compute despite having a professional job.

I suspect the shocked people are either due to crap Dads (the type who need their sister or mum to come round because their wife will be going out for 2 hours) or because of money- funding a holiday for each parent and a family holiday may be too hard

BarbedBloom · 03/01/2020 17:43

We only ever holiday as a couple, we have limited annual leave and money and would rather be together. But what other people do is up to them and I wouldn't think anything of it if someone went away without partner or children. Fathers should be capable of taking care of their children for a few days.

katewhinesalot · 03/01/2020 17:44

I know women who wouldn't be "allowed". I know many, many more who do go away. I feel for those who can't. I don't think they are in healthy relationships in this day and age.

My parents think DH is a saint for "allowing" me to go away so often, as he is the main earner. I think it's the sheer quantity of trips I do, rather than the odd one.