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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To NOT host Christmas?

123 replies

SunshineAngel · 03/01/2020 11:58

In a bit of an odd situation.

I'm living with my partner, and our parents live in the same town. So, for the past few Christmases, we've gone to lunch at our respective families' houses, then I've joined him for the evening, and we've gone out for a meal with my family on Boxing Day. It works for us both, and is quite an easy solution.

His family have three siblings (including him) and the parents. His parents always used to do Christmas dinner, but now his brother and sister take it in turns as it's too much for his parents.

For a while now, there have been a lot of comments about how we don't host Christmas and "take our turn".

The thing is, their houses are a lot bigger than ours, with entertaining space. Our house is small, with just a kitchen and living room downstairs, and the only space we have to sit at a table is a 2 person breakfast bar jutting out from the work surface.

Christmas dinner for his family alone would involve cooking for and seating 11 people - plus obviously if we were hosting I would have think about inviting my family as well, which is another 5.

There is NOWHERE for that number of people to sit, and not enough space for us to serve up Christmas dinners for that number of people.

They then suggested that perhaps we could invite everyone for the buffet on Boxing Day that his parents usually do - but this includes MORE people, as uncles and aunties come, too! Think 20+ people.

There is no way that we could have that many people in this house at the same time. We have 2 seats in the kitchen, nowhere to put buffet food, and 4 seats in the living room. Even spare chairs would just get in the way of people walking round because of the layout. His siblings' kids both have learning disabilities, one of them gets seriously stressed in crowds, so this would be a nightmare for him anyway and would probably cause a meltdown - no kid should be put through that at Christmas, right?

We have said that we will happily pay for Christmas dinner (or a meal in the days following) for people at our local pub, which does nice dinners. It would cost £50pp so a huge amount of money for us, but at the same time it feels like the only way we can "take our turn" and give everyone else a break.

His siblings have said no to this, because both of their children struggle to behave in public due to learning disabilities. Fair enough.

But his parents are now saying that my partner won't be welcome to Christmas lunch again until he's taken his turn.

It all just seems a bit sad. He has offered to contribute money for Christmas dinner, he always gets turned down. Asks if he should bring anything, they say no (but he always takes plenty of drink).

I don't know what to do! How are we supposed to host Christmas in a house the size of a shoebox?

OP posts:

QueenofallIsee · 03/01/2020 12:00

Don’t and think yourself lucky that these horrible people might not speak to you. That attitude from them utterly stinks. Do your own Christmas

CripsSandwiches · 03/01/2020 12:02

Obviously YANBU it sounds totally impossible for you to host. You could offer to host in their house. So you would come, bring drinks buy ingredients prepare the food and clear up afterwards. I assume your partner has offered to bring dishes/buy meat/provide drinks for Christmas dinner. Hopefully he also pulls his weight while there.

When you've explained about the space issue what do they say? How do they propose you all fit in your house?

BarbaraofSeville · 03/01/2020 12:02

Could you host Christmas, but do it at his parents house?

That way you are 'doing your share' in terms of planning/buying/cooking etc but not trying to do it in a space that is too small for a crowd?

Ginisatonic · 03/01/2020 12:02

They are being unrealistic and unfair. Do you have a village hall type place you could hire. Probably for Boxing Day and put on a buffet there? Wouldn’t be in public and children could run around a bit.

SyntheticPumpkin · 03/01/2020 12:03

Could you host Christmas in one of the siblings’ / parents’ houses? So you and your partner would arrange everything but in a place where there’s more space.

Although personally if I was your partner I’d just be going to your family in future, I assume they’d be happy for him to come along?

2020BetterBeBetter · 03/01/2020 12:04

They are being ridiculous. Could you offer to buy everything, do the cooking and all the cleaning at one of their houses that does have enough room?

Otherwise I would be inclined to invite them and use camp tables and chairs in the living room or else opt for the buffet. Sometimes people need to experience why something doesn’t work in order to accept it!

CalmdownJanet · 03/01/2020 12:04

Yanbu to not host, you are mad to pay for a meal out for everyone, that is honestly crazy. Just say "Look we won't be hosting in our house over Christmas, now or ever while we live in the house we do, it's not up for discussion every year. We will happily contribute if others host and we are invited, if this isn't ok we will happily bow out and do Christmas with my family who will host us both no problem but it is what it is and honestly repeating the same conversation changes nothing but makes us feel bad"

HotChocWithCream · 03/01/2020 12:04

It sounds like they are trying to bully you into abiding by their unreasonable wishes.

Draw a clear line in the sand or you will forever regret it.

Invite your OH to your parents for Christmas lunch then have dinner together at yours and if they kick off about it remind them about their threats.

incognitomum · 03/01/2020 12:04

How awful. I agree do your own Christmas.

IndigoHexagon · 03/01/2020 12:05

As a solution, and purely to keep the peace, if you are prepared to pay out all that money for a meal, how about renting a local airb&b type place that will accommodate you all? It may be tough finding a rental just for two nights but if you were willing to pay out for a meal this could be an alternate option?

Howyiz · 03/01/2020 12:05

So why not just invite his parents for Christmas Dinner? You don't have room for everyone, which should be obvious, so offer that solution.

Original poster

SunshineAngel · 03/01/2020 12:08

Thanks everyone :). I have suggested doing everything at his parents' for example, but I like to do my prep in the days running up to Christmas, so unless I moved in for a few days beforehand it wouldn't really be doable. Also my partner is a rubbish cook, so it would be me doing it (no problem with that in our own house), and I would feel so, so weird taking over his parents' house - I don't see them a huge amount, because he drops his son off once a week on his way to work and sees them then, so although we have a polite relationship it's not really a "let me loose in your kitchen" kind of thing.

I like the idea about hiring somewhere for Boxing Day actually, we have a social club up the road that would be perfect. I had literally not thought of that. And I could invite my family too!

OP posts:

Original poster

SunshineAngel · 03/01/2020 12:09

@Howyiz His parents will want to spend the day with their other children as well, plus if I invite his parents, what about my parents? Then I couldn't leave my brother on his own (he's single and still lives with them), and definitely couldn't leave my grandparents out, so we would still end up with far too many people. Plus my grandparents can't come to my house as we have quite steep stairs that my grandad can't manage if he needs to go to the toilet. My dad's house has a downstairs toilet which is just perfect!

OP posts:

Minky35 · 03/01/2020 12:10

That’s really bad of them, and don’t offer to pay for a meal for them again! It’s completely unfeasible for you to host, your house simply doesn’t have the required space and there’s nothing you can do to change that!
If they say again your not welcome I’d be asking them why they repeatedly fail to understand you simply don’t have the room to host the numbers?

ohprettybaby · 03/01/2020 12:12

Presumably they have visited your home so know it isn't big enough to host? If so, they are being really unpleasant in suggesting it. How nasty, to say they don't want you for Christmas lunch again until you've hosted. You have told them the reasons haven't you?

What about you providing all the food and drink and crackers etc and doing the cooking etc at your IL's home? Would they be up for that? If not then they are being unreasonable.

I wouldn't pay £50 per head for everyone at the local pub although I'm wondering whether you could hire a room at the local pub or a local hall on Boxing Day and lay on buffet food yourselves.

kingkuta · 03/01/2020 12:12

They sound awful. Who would treat their own son in such a way. I take it that they have visited your house so know it's completely unsuitable. Has your DH asked them how they expect people to sit and eat?

I'd just go with him to your parents for lunch from now on.

Unless you just agree to do it, invite them and let them stand in the hall with a plate in their hands, they did insist after all!

khaleesiofthegreatgrasssea · 03/01/2020 12:13

I think do exactly what @CalmdownJanet said. Perfect script.

CadburysTastesVileNow · 03/01/2020 12:16

Could you host them for low key nibbles and drinks sometime , so they can actually experience for themselves the hell of 16 people in a tiny downstairs? It might make them back off

fedup21 · 03/01/2020 12:18

But his parents are now saying that my partner won't be welcome to Christmas lunch again until he's taken his turn.

Honestly, who treats their own son like that?

If I was him, I would say, ‘ok, if that’s the way you feel, I’ll go to sunshineangel’s parents as I am welcome there’

And leave it at that.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/01/2020 12:21

So basically they want him to take "his" turn" but actually it would be just you catering for all his family when you don't even eat with them Christmas day usually anyway? ummmmm no? Do they only expect him to "take his turn" now because he has a little woman to do it? If I were you I'd both go have Christmas Dinner with your parents instead next Christmas

TARSCOUT · 03/01/2020 12:21

I would host the buffet and once there they will realise why it doesn't work. Give them what they want and then that it done! You know it is going to be a nightmare, let them.find out for themselves!

scubadive · 03/01/2020 12:24

But you don’t even go to theirs for. Xmas op. Why is it your turn?

Is you MIL et al really begrudging feeding your DH alone? There are children on their sides and he is one person, this is ridiculous, most parents would just be really pleased he was still going to their house.

Take him with you to your parents next Xmas and ignore his family, the6 sound awful.

scubadive · 03/01/2020 12:27

Yes and also do the buffet Boxing Day, the children will be bored, there will be nowhere to sit, no room. Buy paper plates and cutlery so easy. Say you don’t have enough, buy easy food (much cheaper than a £50 per head meal) and go and sit in the stairs when you can stand no longer.

They won’t want to come again.

Chunkers · 03/01/2020 12:27

Did I read this wrong? Have YOU ever been for Christmas dinner at their houses, or is it only your partner that has?

They are being ridiculous, of course you can’t host with 2 seats. I would take your partner to your family next year or just have a cozy day for 2 at home.

OlaEliza · 03/01/2020 12:40

I'd do it and let them all suffer eating their Christmas dinner standing up, or off a picnic blanket on the floor, just to show how ridiculous they are.

Or get patio heaters and do it outside.

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