To NOT host Christmas?

[SunshineAngel]

In a bit of an odd situation.

I'm living with my partner, and our parents live in the same town. So, for the past few Christmases, we've gone to lunch at our respective families' houses, then I've joined him for the evening, and we've gone out for a meal with my family on Boxing Day. It works for us both, and is quite an easy solution.

His family have three siblings (including him) and the parents. His parents always used to do Christmas dinner, but now his brother and sister take it in turns as it's too much for his parents.

For a while now, there have been a lot of comments about how we don't host Christmas and "take our turn".

The thing is, their houses are a lot bigger than ours, with entertaining space. Our house is small, with just a kitchen and living room downstairs, and the only space we have to sit at a table is a 2 person breakfast bar jutting out from the work surface.

Christmas dinner for his family alone would involve cooking for and seating 11 people - plus obviously if we were hosting I would have think about inviting my family as well, which is another 5.

There is NOWHERE for that number of people to sit, and not enough space for us to serve up Christmas dinners for that number of people.

They then suggested that perhaps we could invite everyone for the buffet on Boxing Day that his parents usually do - but this includes MORE people, as uncles and aunties come, too! Think 20+ people.

There is no way that we could have that many people in this house at the same time. We have 2 seats in the kitchen, nowhere to put buffet food, and 4 seats in the living room. Even spare chairs would just get in the way of people walking round because of the layout. His siblings' kids both have learning disabilities, one of them gets seriously stressed in crowds, so this would be a nightmare for him anyway and would probably cause a meltdown - no kid should be put through that at Christmas, right?

We have said that we will happily pay for Christmas dinner (or a meal in the days following) for people at our local pub, which does nice dinners. It would cost £50pp so a huge amount of money for us, but at the same time it feels like the only way we can "take our turn" and give everyone else a break.

His siblings have said no to this, because both of their children struggle to behave in public due to learning disabilities. Fair enough.

But his parents are now saying that my partner won't be welcome to Christmas lunch again until he's taken his turn.

It all just seems a bit sad. He has offered to contribute money for Christmas dinner, he always gets turned down. Asks if he should bring anything, they say no (but he always takes plenty of drink).

I don't know what to do! How are we supposed to host Christmas in a house the size of a shoebox?

It is about pressuring you to attend Christmas with them in preference to your own family

Now have you come to that conclusion when the OP doesn't mention she's even been asked?

Make sure everyone involved knows that you are under pressure to host and your reasons for thinking it’s a poor idea. Spell it out.

Then invite them. Buy a second hand dining room table and chairs for the living room ( cheaper than £50 which you spend on a person at the pub), And host.You’ll never have to do it again.

They want to be dicks about it let them.

Haha this thread reminded me of how my SIL used to make slightly barbed insults about how we didn't take our turn to host. We had a similar set up to you, but with a tiny dining table that only just fit us and our two kids into it. We made it up to the people hosting by always bringing lots of food and booze and helping out in the kitchen, but she always made whiny comments about how 'we can all squeeze in! It'll be fun!'

I ended up inviting her and BIL and their three kids for a meal. Squeezed four adults and five kids into our living room with one sitting on the stairs. It was crap. She shut her trap after that dinner.

I would guess this is historical going back past you for his parents to react like this. Perhaps he has a history of not pulling his weight, which is now being seen a little by still claiming to be a rubbish cook etc?

I would suggest cooking everything at your house, all the prep in the build up etc and then take it somewhere on the day. Or hiring a hall.

Have they ever been to your house? If not or it was years ago, do they think you/he might be exaggerating the smallness of it? I’d be led by your DP tbh - if he is pissed off with them and cant be bothered anymore, I wouldn’t push the issue. If however, he is upset and is trying to find a solution, I’d do the invite round for dinner so that they could see how cramped it is.

nevermorelenore

I don't understand why everyone has to come? Why 'obviously' if you're inviting his family do yours have to come too?

The way most people do it is they see all the family at some point over the Christmas season - not all together. Invite his parents for Christmas lunch, your parents and brother for boxing day lunch and his siblings over for boxing day/Christmas Eve drinks and party tea.

I'd invite them for a brief party quite soon and then they can see just how impossible it is!

Otherwise, offer to cook at his parents' house (do the prep beforehand at your house) or just smile politely and say you'll happily contribute or just tell them where to go.

I can understand why siblings would get bored of hosting if they feel like they have to for the sake of their parents

they do have all the work, cleaning the house presumably and organising, but the parents are really rude.

Refusing to go to a restaurant when you offer to pay just shows they are being ridiculous.

I have suggested doing everything at his parents' for example, but I like to do my prep in the days running up to Christmas, so unless I moved in for a few days beforehand it wouldn't really be doable.

Just do the prep at home then bring it over?

You don't even go to theirs for Xmas dinner so leave your dp to work it out, it is not your problem. He (not you!) really should be contributing to the big family Christmas dinners he enjoys so much, both financially and more importantly practically now.

They are giving out the message your dp is coming across as a lazy freeloader and they are getting fed up with it as HE is doing nothing significant about it. A half hearted let me pay some money or bring something doesn't cut it when others need to do all the planning, organising, cooking and cleaning and he gets off almost entirely. If you haven't planned a Christmas meal for many at home before you have no idea of the amount of hassle.

He is enjoying their hospitality and making it clear it will not be returned, I am not surprised they are beginning to get pissed off with him. You are taking this personally as if it is all on you to resolve, what does he want to do?

Remember in the future, especially if you have children/get married, it is likely you will want to spend alternative Christmases together and with each of your families. If you don't/haven't made an effort to get to know them maybe it is time you did.

I went to my SIL for a meal this year before Xmas, she only has an island/no dinning room and we had bowls of meatballs in sauce/pasta (her dh went out for meatballs and bits for sauce he had come home with 150 for 10 people!!!!) to eat with spoons, followed by dessert. Some were standing around the island for their meal which was no bother. Then we drank chatted in their living room, with some snacks, kids and younger adults sat on the floor/standing in the kitchen or on bean bags (we took a couple over) etc and all made do and we had a great night and they were great hosts.

Why don't you try inviting his family over (or try yours first if you feel more comfortable) for something over the next couple of months and see how you get on hosting for a few. Just be honest and tell them you are not used to entertaining, it is such a small space and it wont be anything fancy, accept any offers of help, and see how it goes. Make sure your dh does his fair share of the planning and work! Once you have tried it you might feel more comfortable giving something a go around Christmas.

I have hosted Xmas dinner before in my livingroom with everyone bringing their own chairs sat along a mixture of garden/folding tables (with table covers) before. Being a good host is a valuable skill to learn, it is not all about having nice tables, chairs etc, it is about making people feel wanted and welcome in your home. Once you get into the swing of it you will relax more.

There are a lot of options & alternatives, but frankly if someone said that this

But his parents are now saying that my partner won't be welcome to Christmas lunch again until he's taken his turn

I’d happily say ‘fine’ & have nothing more to do with them. I imagine parents that say that to their child are not generally very nice people.

I think the hiring a hall is a good suggestion but not in the circumstances of the threats from your DPs family, which I think is really awful given they must be aware of your small house.

I'd take the opportunity to break the tradition and either your DP goes with you to your parents for the day or you two have Christmas Day at home together and see your family on Boxing Day instead.

Certainly dont be offering to pay silly money to take his family out for dinner.

I would explain the issues to them re your house and that it’s simply not possible. I would also say that as they are not prepared to see their son over a Christmas unless he hosts, which is physically not possible he will now be coming to your parents. And then have no further conversation on the matter

Have you asked them specifically HOW you are meant to seat everybody. Tell them as soon as they have a realistic solution you'll be happy to do it.

Just say okay and see if he is welcome at your parents, offer some money or food/drinks towards it.

Oh, fuck hiring a hall for these idiots!

Have they ever visited? Do they know how small your house is? Is they have, I would laugh in their faces! If they haven't, I would point out the bleedin' obvious. Either way, I would not consider hosting them, especially as it would be YOU doing all the cooking - they have never hosted you, so you are under no pressure of reciprocating hospitality, since they have NEVER hosted you.

His parents are being ridiculous issuing such a silly, silly ultimatum. The obvious answer is 'Fine, I'll go where I am welcome.'

And his siblings being willing to put their own children through the stress of it - well, that says volumes about them too.

The sheer unreasonableness of his family does suggest there's some background story and I am wondering if he's the family scapegoat. They can't seriously be expecting him to host them all in a tiny place, so all that leaves is that the whole set-up is about taking the opportunity to headfuck your DP. In which case I'd be never seeing them again.

Next time they suggest it, just laugh and ask who will be eating on the toilet, who'll be outside etc.
I can't think why you'd have to host both families at once though, surely one family would be boxing day.

Your partner can learn to cook. You go to your family, he can do the dinner. They will have to endure a dinner in the very cramped house.

But it does seem as if this is a way to push the OP into having Christmas dinner with her OH's family, especially if they've refused the offer of dinner at a restaurant.

I have suggested doing everything at his parents' for example, but I like to do my prep in the days running up to Christmas, so unless I moved in for a few days beforehand it wouldn't really be doable

How much prep in the days beforehand is required?

Get the turkey in at 9/10 am and get on with the veg preparation between the two of you. Cook the roast potatoes, stuffing etc while the turkey is resting.

Maybe do some shortcuts like readymade desserts and cheese sauce for the cauliflower cheese, but you if you think you need 'days' to prep for cooking a roast dinner you're overcomplicating things somewhat.

Crikey. We’ve hosted Christmas at ours for 14 years (always with my in-laws and BIL), my parents come every other year (go to my DSis the other year). BIL is single and lives in a shoe box - it has never occurred to any of us that we should go to his.
He buys the cheese course and brings wine. In laws bring the starter. He contributes plenty.
I’m sorry your DP’s parents and siblings are being like this. It sounds so mean spirited.

You could just say no

They are giving out the message your dp is coming across as a lazy freeloader and they are getting fed up with it as HE is doing nothing significant about it.

I get this impression too - I wonder how much he pays towards the meal and how involved he gets in the planning/prep?

Why can't the siblings just take a turn hosting the parents and let the other siblings manage a Christmas in their own houses? I can never understand the need for families to have to pile into one house for a Christmas dinner. Once partners and kids are added to the mix it's perfectly reasonable to stay in your own house, have your own dinner and visit relatives over the days of Christmas.