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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Oldest friends marriage split

112 replies

Member345787 · 03/01/2020 10:17

Back story is DH oldest friend married a friend of mine 20+ years ago. She had two small children when they met, and they went on to have a child together. She was a colleague I was friends with out of work and they met through us. Over the years, we have socialised together frequently as a foursome every few months, we considered them both friends, knew both extended families well, and they are godparents to DS.

In March this year, male friend ended their marriage and told DH about the split although he didn't specify reasons/details and we didn't ask. I contacted my friend and offered her a shoulder to cry on. A few months later, male friend tells DH about a new GF, and I felt uncomfortable with lying to my friend when she found out, and asked me if I knew. We have tried to be there for both friends (DH texting male friend, and me visiting my friend who is devastated) and have been careful not to take sides.

At Christmas, male friend drops in to ours with presents for DS with gift tags signed from him, his GF and her child. He also suggested we arrange a date to get together to meet his GF for the first time.

I feel torn because I have been friends with male friend as long as I have known DH, but also feel loyalty to his ex wife/my friend. I did comment to DH that it was a bit strange to have gift cards signed this way, which he did agree with, but when I said I wasn't sure about meeting new GF, DH couldn't understand my dilemma.

I'm tempted to say that whilst I am happy for male friend, I don't feel comfortable meeting new GF for a while. AIBU?

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 03/01/2020 10:20

They split nearly a year ago, I would have no problem meeting his new gf.

PositiveVibez · 03/01/2020 10:21

I'm putting myself in your shoes by imagining if this happened to our best couple friends and honestly, I couldn't do it.

I know these things happen etc., but I would feel like I was betraying my friend.

Hypocritically though, if she met someone else, I'd have no qualms about meeting her new fella.

Guess I'm just saying my loyalty would lie with me female friend.

Strongmummy · 03/01/2020 10:23

Tough one. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable either. You may want to say to your Male friend that you’d love to see him, but need a bit more time before you’re comfortable meeting his girlfriend

SonEtLumiere · 03/01/2020 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onalongsabbatical · 03/01/2020 10:43

I think your loyalty is spot on OP. A moment for standing your ground and being sure of yourself.
Your friend will thank you for it sometime.

BraveGoldie · 03/01/2020 10:46

Reading between the lines it is possible new gf is OW?

If yes, I personally would wait at least a year. But having been through this exact scenario, I did understand how difficult it is for mutual friends and did not expect them to fight my battles. It hurt me when I found out friends had met with my ex and the OW, but I understood. What are they meant to do? Cut off their other life long friend by not being part of his life?

I wasn't clear if your female friend knows about her? If so, I might just talk with her and ask how she feels. If she is still in distress, I would prioritize your friend and delay meeting the gf.

Tough one!

Original poster
Member345787 · 03/01/2020 10:46

Thank you, I do just feel torn. If I am honest, their relationship never seemed a particularly happy one and my friend would spend most of our get togethers moaning about my male friend which was awkward enough but this is on a totally new level. So the split itself was not really a surprise, other than the fact that they had bumbled along for this many years ............

@Oysterbabe I get that nine months have passed, and I guess if I wasn't friends with his ex-wife, I probably would be less judgemental about the swiftness of the new relationship

@SonEtLumiere understandably in her current state of mind, she is only thinking of herself and not how difficult it makes things for me or the friendship with our male friend.

Thank you everyone for your comments

OP posts:
MollyButton · 03/01/2020 10:54

I get that nine months have passed, and I guess if I wasn't friends with his ex-wife, I probably would be less judgemental about the swiftness of the new relationship

Oh I would be just as "judgy" but probably less conflicted over it, if I wasn't friends with his ex.

What does your friend feel? Have you talked to her about the situation? I suggest a frank conversation could help, rather than feeling conflicted and pussy footing around.

MarieG10 · 03/01/2020 10:54

Are they divorced yet? How is the legal stuff going?

I ask as we have friends, similar. At the 9 months stage she was still absolutely raging and angry. Legals were on,y just commencing and causing no end of grief. To have introduced someone to us would have just added to the situation.

It is now nearly three years and we are meeting a new GF soon....he wasn't seeing her until the start of this year I don't think

So I would judge it on the situation at the time. Be firm about being friends with both but no point aggravating it either

Original poster
Member345787 · 03/01/2020 10:55

Thank you @BraveGoldie and I'm sorry to hear that you had been even more involved in a situation like this.

DH and I both wondered if the relationship with GF did start sooner and whether there was any overlap but then decided we didn't really want to know. It could have been that a potential relationship gave our male friend the impetus to leave - who knows?

You sound very understanding about the dilemma from your joint friends point of view - TBH I am not sure my friend will see it that way but will see it as disloyalty/picking sides/whatever even though that is definitely not my intention.

OP posts:
katmarie · 03/01/2020 10:58

I think I would feel torn too, but ultimately if their split is certain, and looking at the timeframe it certainly seems that way, then surely they both will end up moving on eventually. That's the pragmatic side. But the emotional side of me would feel very disloyal meeting with him and his new girlfriend.

TheStoic · 03/01/2020 11:04

I think your friend would feel terribly betrayed. It would be kicking her while she was down.

There’s no hurry to meet the new girlfriend. Be completely honest with everyone involved. Say your loyalty is to your friend, and you’ll be happy to meet the GF when your friend is OK with the idea.

SciFiScream · 03/01/2020 11:05

Just talk to them both about it. Explain to the male friend that you aren't ready to meet his new girlfriend yet and explain to your female friend the situation you have found yourself in and the decision you have made about it.

Best thing to do is to be honest with both parties and keep the lines of communication open.

Original poster
Member345787 · 03/01/2020 11:08

Thank you everyone @MarieG10 raging and angry is a very good description for how my friend is feeling, she felt this came completely out of the blue and doesn't know him anymore as he is acting out of character in her opinion.

I could talk to her but I don't think she would be rationale in her response right now, although she might be in a few months time. I don't think legal things have started but I find it awkward to ask for too many details in case she thinks I am fishing on behalf of her ex.

You are right that they might both move on, and I hope be in better places after this.

Thank you for all your support, I agree I need to explain to DH that I am happy to meet male friend but I am not comfortable to meet new GF for a few bit longer. Male friend is a decent bloke and although he might be keen to show off his shiny new GF, I think he will understand.

OP posts:
LemonBreeland · 03/01/2020 11:10

It does sound like male friend is going to try and replace what you had before with the new woman, and I think it's totally reasonable for you to be uncomfortable with that. I would put it off for a while, and ensure that it doesn't become the new regular meet up, as that really would be a kick in the teeth to your friend. It is a difficult situation.

FVFrog · 03/01/2020 11:13

I’m in this very situation but I am part of the divorcing couple. We were very good friends with another couple who we met when we were all at uni together 30 years ago and all part of the same friendship group. My STBXH left me just over a year ago. There was (at the very least emotionally) an OW on the scene who is now his ‘significant’ other as he calls her. He has socialised with husband of the couple and I have seen the wife several times. At our last meeting my friend told me STBXH had asked them to arrange a date to all go out and socialise as couples. She said she was very torn and had told her DH she wasn’t comfortable with it, it caused a big argument between them as he accused her of taking sides. I did not want my marriage (of 25 years and 3 just adult kids) to end. When she told me it was like a punch to the gut. I tried to smile and say it was ok but it wasn’t and I was so choked up I couldn’t speak and ended up just walking out of the restaurant I was so upset. It seemed like a huge betrayal and as if I had just been replaced in our friendship group with this OW.
Just to give you the perspective from your female friend as it were. It’s really really shit and the fallout from my marriage break up seems to go on and on. Please be there for you friend and give it some more time. In the context of a long marriage a year is no time at all, trust me.

ShinyGiratina · 03/01/2020 11:13

When the relationships of a few long term, mutual friends broke up, we found that long term, one or both drifted away from our friendship as their lives changed. It is very difficult to keep the friendship substantially unchanged. Usually it showed up who was the closer friend and who would have drifted away sooner.

MarieG10 · 03/01/2020 11:13

Member...yes I would stay out of it. Staying friends with both is going to be a challenge although we have managed it...but we had a few times of her in our house literally screaming and having to calm her down.

Frankly I know he wants to move on but all he is going to do is cause himself and people like yourselves no end of grief that you won't want so hopefully he will understand

curiouslypacific · 03/01/2020 11:16

I guess it would depend on whether your friend would feel betrayed/like you are picking sides if you met the new gf. You'll only know if you speak to her directly about it though.

I'd perhaps suggest a compromise whereby for the moment your DH maintains his friendship with him, and you with her. I guess once she's met someone new she won't feel so hurt if you go back to meeting up as couples if her new bf is also involved?

Original poster
Member345787 · 03/01/2020 11:20

@FVFrog Flowers this is exactly what I am worried about, and if I am honest, how I would feel in her/your situation.

OP posts:
FVFrog · 03/01/2020 11:26

Thanks Member the fallout goes on and on. It’s a horrible thing to live through and the untangling of lives lived together for 30 years is so hard. I am still in the family home which will be sold in the summer once youngest has finished A levels, one of my jobs this new year is to start to tackle the loft with all the baby/childhood stuff, I’m dreading it.

chipsandgin · 03/01/2020 11:28

Tricky waters to navigate OP, I feel for you - we are of an age where this seems to be happening to some of our friends and I’ve been in similar situations. I would also find it hard to not feel disloyal by meeting/accepting the new GF - if and when you do decide to then definitely let your female friend know (& why you are - throw your DH under the bus if necessary & say it’s because he feels he doesn’t want to abandon his friend..). I suspect the new GF won’t be entirely comfortable with it either (unless she is totally devoid of empathy!) but you’ll hopefully both just be polite and get through it.

Leaving it a while longer is understandable though. Also, as a silver lining, when the situation is reversed & she meets someone new you’ll have paved the way for that relationship to be easily accepted by you & your DH!

daydreambeleiver · 03/01/2020 11:29

I'm in that position but I've told joint friends they don't need to pick sides and no issues with us both being invited new partners and all ... perhaps we are unusual but in matter of fact about the situation, he ended our marriage, we both moved on and remain good friends

HyperHippo · 03/01/2020 11:34

I would be avoiding getting too involved/close with the males new GF at this point in time. Let your DH keep up a male-male friendship and you keep up your friendship but keep both light. Be there for support but avoid getting dragged in. In time, it will settle (hopefully) as it sounds like this GF as far as you know wasn't an OW and your girl friend may find someone else or be more settled and relaxed - or, if not, you can then decide what is best.

daydreambeleiver · 03/01/2020 11:35

@FVFrog I'm tackling the sorting out of the marital home this week, it's a nightmare!!! Though the issue is neither of us want stuff rather than both wanting it, we both have new dp's also in the same situation so I'm being ruthless, who really needs 5 full dinner services or 4 12 place canteens of cutlery??? eBay is my friend