Oldest friends marriage split

[Member345787]

Back story is DH oldest friend married a friend of mine 20+ years ago. She had two small children when they met, and they went on to have a child together. She was a colleague I was friends with out of work and they met through us. Over the years, we have socialised together frequently as a foursome every few months, we considered them both friends, knew both extended families well, and they are godparents to DS.

In March this year, male friend ended their marriage and told DH about the split although he didn't specify reasons/details and we didn't ask. I contacted my friend and offered her a shoulder to cry on. A few months later, male friend tells DH about a new GF, and I felt uncomfortable with lying to my friend when she found out, and asked me if I knew. We have tried to be there for both friends (DH texting male friend, and me visiting my friend who is devastated) and have been careful not to take sides.

At Christmas, male friend drops in to ours with presents for DS with gift tags signed from him, his GF and her child. He also suggested we arrange a date to get together to meet his GF for the first time.

I feel torn because I have been friends with male friend as long as I have known DH, but also feel loyalty to his ex wife/my friend. I did comment to DH that it was a bit strange to have gift cards signed this way, which he did agree with, but when I said I wasn't sure about meeting new GF, DH couldn't understand my dilemma.

I'm tempted to say that whilst I am happy for male friend, I don't feel comfortable meeting new GF for a while. AIBU?

*as in I was in the same position as you OP. Not that I was in your friends position!

I sympathise with you.
Similar situation a few years ago with good friends of ours, he was dh friend and they’d been together for as long as i knew them (8 years). She was definitely my closest friend in dh friend group, they spilt up, it was a shock (for her) and within two months he was with someone else - like you we all suspect they were involved before that.

I tried to maintain a relationship with friend but it was too hard, understandably she wanted info and I wasn’t keen to share, especially seeing as any info I had would only hurt her.

I think you are perfectly fine to say you are happy to meet her in a few months.

I understand how you feel but instead of viewing it as you being disloyal to your friend, view it as your DH supporting his friend.

We have friends going through this, he doesn't want to split, she does. There's no OW or OM on the scene but the wife has deffo moved on and is behaving like she's single, they aren't officially separated yet, haven't told kids, and are still in same house, and I'm struggling with being out with her and seeing her hooking up with randoms.
TBH I'm assuming that when the time comes we will end up with one or the other as a friend, not sure how maintaining two friendships would work long term...

Initially you became a foursome for socialising because you had individual friendships preceding their relationship.
That would not be the case with your DH's friend and his new girlfriend. Even had he never married your friend.
Do your DH or you have other friends individualy you don't socialise with as a couple?
If you had a friend who you mostly saw on your own and she started a new relationship would your DH be expected to start socialising with them and befriend the new partner?

If not it would be fairly normal to go back to you maintaining contact with your friend and he is.
At least until your friend has moved on, and I think expecting that before at least another year has passed would be optimistic.

We are in this situation with bil. I don't want to meet the new woman, also the OW (who is young enough to be his daughter, and only just older than my nephew), and all my support is for stb ex sil who has been on the scene for longer than I have, and dh and I have been together since the mid 80s. It's going to tricky to navigate.

I think you are going to have to choose. In trying to keep both, you are likely to end up with none. The man will be pissed off that you don't accept his shiny new life unreservedly (because he no longer cares about his wife or her feelings) and the woman will feel you are being disloyal and that she is bring replaced if you socialise with the man and his new gf.
I'd choose the woman personally - the man is fine, he has his shiny new life. The woman needs you more.
I'd tell DH to see his mate down the pub or something but I'd not be doing cosy dinner parties unless I valued the man's friendship more than the woman's. It sounds like your dh does, but you don't have to agree.
Shit situation all round though.

In your position I think I'd have to say it's too soon, everyone is still upset.
I'd tell dh to socialise with bf on his own, in the future things will settle down and you'll know you feel ok meeting his new gf.

Say you'd hate to get off on a bad footing, so you'd prefer to leave it for now.

I was in exactly the same position as you. Friend's marriage was going thru a bad patch. He left then 'soon after' met someone else. Fairly sure new person triggered him leaving.

Two years later he meets up with the men in the friendship group for rugby etc. I meet up with my friend. Nobody has met OW.

@FVFrog completely agree. I was in a similar position, but no children involved.
Eventually over time almost all our mutual friends became his friends. This is largely because I moved away from the home town but also because I couldn’t stomach seeing their Facebook updates that involved him and his gf (who was the ow in my case). I found it a betrayal but couldn’t ask mutual friends to sensor their own social media or not see him because that felt unreasonable.

Nope. You'll lose your friend. Poor woman. He can't have his cake and eat it. When he made the decision to leave his wife, he had to face the consequences of that. Why does he get to maintain his social circle while she's left in the dust? Just let your dh go for a drink or whatever with him but don't agree to meeting this woman

OP I'm in a very similar situation with BIL and SIL. MIL wants me to meet BIL's new GF and I've said no. If it feels wrong to you, fine to say no too.

It seems likely that the new GF was the OW. I wouldn't want to meet her at this stage. Probably later on, but not just yet. Support your friend, who is still hurting.

You say you have been careful not to take sides but joint socialising with the new GF is very clearly taking sides. Your DH isn't socialising with the wife by the sound of it so why does he expect you to socialise with the husband, never mind the OW?

I'd choose the woman personally - the man is fine, he has his shiny new life. The woman needs you more.

This.

When I split with my ex, the women in the group sided with me and the men with him. I left him because he was abusive but never discussed my reasons with anyone.

It hurt me because the men were my uni friends and I’d brought the ex into the group. I thought they’d be my friends forever. And if they’d known how he behaved they would’ve cut him out. I was just too ashamed of the situation though.

I still see all the women but the men are not really friends now. We are polite if we meet, and some have apologised but too late now. It still hurts that I am out of the larger group. Ex is long gone and doesn’t keep in touch with anyone.

I wouldn't do it. It would be incredibly hurtful to your friend (the woman) who continues to need your support. The man evidently doesn't-as much. People never want to choose sides in these things but eventually you pretty much have to or do it by default.

I think I'd be saying I would carry on seeing the man, but that I wouldn't yet be comfortable meeting his girlfriend because you want to remain entirely neutral.

I've been the woman in this situation and it hurt like hell when old mutual friends just accepted exh's new situation-it was like being betrayed all over again. Not rational maybe but it's a very visceral thing.

So often the injured party (usually the woman) loses friendships because she’s upset and in shock from experiencing the abrupt end of the marriage. Whilst the one whose head was turned/had an affair/planned an exit has a shiny new fun life to present, and scoops up the friends in the process.

So I wouldn’t meet up with this man socially. Leave your DH to do so if he wants.

I have been in your friends position. It’s horrible.

Not choosing a side, IS choosing a side. Your friend will feel betrayed if you start socialising with her DH & his OW.

Obviously you can do what you want, but in time you will lose the friendship of one of them, so think carefully about which one YOU value the most. It’s very sad, but it’s what happens.

We had a similar thing in our social circle. It caused a massive rift in the end because people assumed after six months it was fine to “ move on”. It quickly became a chosing sides issue and the fallout means best friends no longer talk to each other.
Its incredibly hurtful for the dumped one when friends behave like the relationship never existed. So I think after such a long marriage I’d fall on the side of your friend / injuries party until she’s moved on herself. I be honest and say you feel uncomfortable and look forward to the day when they are both happy with you talking to the other.

Thank you everyone, it is reassuring that my discomfort at this situation wasn't ill founded. DH isn't unfeeling - we have been round to see female friend together and he has helped her move furniture for instance. But he definitely hasn't considered what it is like now for her socially.

Happier now to sit down with DH and explain that I am happy for male friend/wish him well but am not happy to meet GF as yet. I don't think it will affect their friendship as they can always go out for a drink/watch sport together just the two of them. And I will feel more comfortable with concentrating my efforts on supporting my female friend.

Thank you x

This happened to a friend of mine. Made worse because the new gf hasn't been nice to other women, my friend included, on the brief occasions they've met. She seems to be one of those women. Friend's DH, a bit like yours OP, doesn't see what the problem is.

I'd explain it as clearly as you've explained to us. All you can do is hope DH understands and respects your dilemma and continued close friendship with his friend's ex wife.

Have had two set of friends that have split and divorced - we have lost all four as friends. They couldn't cope with us being friends with both sides and ultimatelyI believe they thought we'd go telling tales' to their respective ex's. No advice really - just that it's sh!t and you can't seem to do right no matter what.

@Member345787 - from someone who has been your friend, l thank you for your empathy and friendship towards her.

It really resonates with me and is so true what was said previously about the man going off with the woman with his shiny new life - whilst the wife is left behind trying to work and look after the children.

You're doing the right thing. Female friend needs you, male friend obviously doesn't. You'll know when (or if) the time is right to socialize with the ex and his new gf. Although if she turns out to be the OW, I don't know if I could socialize with either of them, ever again.

When DH and I were in this situation (twice), both times we 'sided' with one member of the couple. In one case the x-H was just a bastard. He was DH's best friend but began treating his wife (my BFF) appallingly (drugs). DH sided with her and never spoke to him gain. In the other case the wife (my 'friend', but not BFF) cheated and we both sided with the husband (DH's friend) and dropped her like a hot potato.

We were lucky that both cases were so clear cut.

Member - I think you have made a wise decision and I hope your friend appreciates it. I also hope your DH agrees to it, whether he understands it or not - it's YOUR feelings and you're entitled to have them.