Oldest friends marriage split

[Member345787]

Back story is DH oldest friend married a friend of mine 20+ years ago. She had two small children when they met, and they went on to have a child together. She was a colleague I was friends with out of work and they met through us. Over the years, we have socialised together frequently as a foursome every few months, we considered them both friends, knew both extended families well, and they are godparents to DS.

In March this year, male friend ended their marriage and told DH about the split although he didn't specify reasons/details and we didn't ask. I contacted my friend and offered her a shoulder to cry on. A few months later, male friend tells DH about a new GF, and I felt uncomfortable with lying to my friend when she found out, and asked me if I knew. We have tried to be there for both friends (DH texting male friend, and me visiting my friend who is devastated) and have been careful not to take sides.

At Christmas, male friend drops in to ours with presents for DS with gift tags signed from him, his GF and her child. He also suggested we arrange a date to get together to meet his GF for the first time.

I feel torn because I have been friends with male friend as long as I have known DH, but also feel loyalty to his ex wife/my friend. I did comment to DH that it was a bit strange to have gift cards signed this way, which he did agree with, but when I said I wasn't sure about meeting new GF, DH couldn't understand my dilemma.

I'm tempted to say that whilst I am happy for male friend, I don't feel comfortable meeting new GF for a while. AIBU?

To give you the perspective of the new girlfriend. I met my (now) DH when he was only weeks out of a 6 year relationship. His break up had nothing at all to do with me and their relationship had been on the wane for years, but he and I got serious very quickly.

Still, to complicate matters, his ex was/is best friends with his brother's girlfriend (now wife). SIL was thus in your position and obviously felt the same way as you do now. I don't blame her for it, just like I understand why you feel the way you do OP. But it made family gatherings (for we are family now) very awkward for years. SIL and I now get along okay but we will never be close because of this initial awkwardness.

I can't tell you what to do OP, and I think your loyalty to your female friend is admirable, but try not to 'punish' the new girlfriend because of it. I would suggest you go along and meet new GF, it's been almost a year. Make an effort to befriend her BUT be very careful that you keep up your friendship with female friend. Give her all the love and attention. The person who breaks up the relationship has usually spent months already getting over it, the person broken up with needs more time. Be gentle with her, but try not to alienate the new woman in your male friend's life.

I had the EXACT same scenario two years ago...down to the man coming round with gifts for mine and DH's children and everything!

We've lost the friendship of both now. Him because I didn't want to socialise with his new woman AND because he was a tosser to my friend (abusive it turns out) and her because it was causing her too much pain to be around DH and I...too many memories.

:(

I reached out to her before Christmas and she sent a nice message back saying she's busy but will contact me after Christmas. I don't think she will.

That's a 20 year friendship gone.

Our other friend couple went through marital issues this year just gone and DH and I were their go-to advice people and sadly, it's affected our friendships too!

We both tried to remain impartial but I think they're embarrassed they opened up quite as much as they did.

My DH was your female friend in a situation like this. He ended up losing his best friend over it when he and his wife accepted/started socialising the man his ex wife had been shagging. My DH didn’t say anything but his friend gradually just stopped contact. It hurt him for a long time.

I think a year is far too soon.

Immediately, he’s done nothing wrong but, it would feel like a betrayal to your friend

It sounds as though your husband does want to meet up as his friend has suggested. This friend's new relationship is a fact and he probably does not want it to affect the longstanding friendship between them. I do understand how conflicted you must feel and how your loyalty/sympathy is for your friend, it is just that if your husband's friend is given the cold shoulder his friendship could end. Could your husband set a date some weeks ahead and to go somewhere unconnected with the ex? If he says to his friend that it is better if they just go out without partners because you feel awkward, it will likely affect the chances of you staying friends with this man in the longer term. Sometimes it is best to just move on and accept the new situation - new gf might be very nice and innocent of blame. Ex-wife is still your friend, but you will just have to be diplomatic. I've had this situation with friends on both sides and have just got on with it. I avoided rubbing the ex-partners' noses in it or giving an opportunity for a pain-fest by just not discussing the new couple. You don't have to lie, but you will have to manage your relationship with your friend. Hope it all works out eventually.

We were in this exact situation some years ago, My friend had another chap ,and my DH didnt meet him until ages after the split.I would not be very comfortable in this situation either TBH. Why the hurry ? Lets be honest, she could be the nicest person out but is never going to replace your friend ! Tell DH you would like some time and that your friend is still obviously upset .How would he feel etc .With us we never really became that foursome any more and have moved on to other friends.

I have been in your friend's position, although it wasn't a marriage and it wasn't 20 years, only 11 - but we had friends who were couples as well and it was very difficult to know what to do.

I tried to make sure that I wasn't asking them to take sides - I let them do what they wanted to do and tried not to feel hurt if they saw the ex with the woman he left me for - but what helped in that instance was the feedback from the female half of the mutual friends. She said she had to go because otherwise it would upset her boyfriend, and he'd been friends with my ex for longer than we'd all been together, so that was fair enough. But she "reported back" on the new woman and wasn't at all complimentary about her. Of course, she could have been lying to make me feel better, but it worked, so I don't care!

Even my ex's brother's wife was "on my side" and initially refused to see the OW, but of course being family that became an impossible position to hold after a while. But she too "reported back" and we had many a funny conversation about the OW in the early years (and even some in latter years, when the OW had done something spectacularly ridiculous or upsetting).

I'm not suggesting that you should do the same, but it was the way forward that my friends and I managed the situation; and in the end, the friends stayed better friends with me than my ex and no longer see him at all, whereas I was invited to their wedding and have stayed in touch with them ever since.

If your friend insists that you should have nothing to do with the new GF, then you have a bigger problem on your hands, because that's putting too much weight on you and your DH in terms of your relationship with her exH - you shouldn't have to choose, and she shouldn't make you.

I hope you can find a way forward.

@FVFrog said it perfectly. I have also been in this sort of scenario, long marriage my Ex (still not divorced after 3 1/2 years) moved straight in with the OW who he was having an affair with prior to our separation. A year later I saw photographs on a mutual friends FB of Ex & OW with several couples we used to socialise with, it was absolutely awful! It did feel like I was being kicked when down as he'd fucked off to his shiny new life was being a bastard about the kids and money and I was left picking up the pieces of my life with my girls and unable to afford to socialise. Please support your female friend, he's alright, he's got a new partner and a new life, she hasn't as yet and will be suffering.

I think the male friend is being a twat to put you in this awkward position tbh. 1 year is no time at all and of course you have loyalty to your female friend who is devastated. It would be different if it were a mutual split. I would tell my DH just to go and have a pint with him and leave me out of it.

Thinking about my own friends I just couldn’t do it to her. I would just say sorry it’s awkward and DH can continue the relationship alone. Sure id be polite if there were events we had to go to but I would no way facilitate any relationship with his new girlfriend or entertain meeting her and kids. At least not until she is completely over it however long that takes.

Do what you feel comfortable with. Is he still being a good dad to the children?

What a difficult position to be in. You want to remain loyal to your friend and at the same time accommodate her ex husband's gf. I have never been in this position. I have had female friends who divorced/separated but because my relationship was first with them I naturally lost contact with their husbands/partners.

I understand the hurt your friend will feel, as if she is somehow being replaced. She no longer has a place in your group. I too would feel hurt and would likely cut contact to save myself the heartache.

This serves to reinforce just how much divorce and separation impacts on the lives of everyone around you. Often, on the relationship forum, only immediate family are mentioned but this is just the start.

A similar situation happened to me. XH left for OW.

Friends said they'd remain "neutral". However... they started socialising with them after 4 mths.

I had barely seen them in this time.

I was absolutely devastated and so so hurt. Female friend couldn't see the issue and said she's only seeing her as she is the partner of my XH.

My point was so quickly after the split, l felt they should have refused to meet her.

For my own sake l pulled back from my friend until l felt strong enough to see her again.

2.5 years on we are now divorced and l see my friend. They still socialise with them too.

I now don't have an issue with it as time is a great healer but l do feel out of respect for me - especially as she was the OW, they should have declined meeting until we had divorced.

I've been in your position and was furious when BIL turned up unannounced at our house with his shiny new girlfriend, 3 months after splitting from his wife.

I was coldly polite to her - to both of them actually - out of shock really... but made it very clear afterwards to BIL that I wasn't yet interested in any kind of contact with his OW and was busy offering practical and emotional support to his wife. I told him that if things had moved on in 6 months time I'd reconsider but made it clear that my 15 year friendship with his wife was my priority over making him and his OW feel comfortable.

BIL and shiny new girlfriend split 6 months later when she cheated on him haha.

Our relationship has never really recovered, he sees DH alone mostly now.

I have been the person in this situation - my ex moved on ( it was a F-F relationship) turned out there was an OW involved, certainly emotionally before breakup, if not physically.

I didn't ask mutual friends to take sides, but did tell them that if they were in touch it wouldn't help me to know anything about my ex and that I'd rather info about me wasn't passed on, as this was used by ex to initiate small talk, which I didn't want.

I think this has worked well, I know some of our friends haven't seen or spoken with her since, and I'll be honest, that loyalty to me does feel nice. Others I know are in touch and I don't hold it against them, and as I have told them - everyone needs friends. But they respect that I don't need to know any details and I think this is the easiest way to navigate this difficult situation.

Think I would be suggesting that DH maintains the friendship with him down the pub - whether the new GF comes or not - but no cosy dinner parties for a while yet.

Billhaders
Did your friends who confided in you and dh reconcile? I ask because sometimes when couples reveal too much to friends then reconcile, they may decide to distance themselves in a bid to start afresh.

We were in a similar situation many years ago. His best friend was with an old school friend of mine. She cheated on him with, and left him for, another friend in our friendship group.

We tried very hard not to get involved or take sides, but ultimately sides were picked for us as she just could not stop slagging him off to me when it was she who ended the relationship.

He, by contrast, never tried to drag us in to it or demand we take his side.

In the end she drove us away, I haven't seen her in 20 years. He remained a dear friend, closer to my children than their own uncles, until he sadly dies of cancer three years ago. My husband was at his bedside when he died.

We were in this situation, except it was my friend who left her husband, who was also a close friend of my DH and how I came to meet her in first place. To make matters worse, her new partner was also the OM. I wouldn't meet him for ages out of respect for the DH and only eventually did with his blessing. It felt so awkward for a long time and only really got better when the DH moved away and met someone else.

WeeSleekitTimerousMoosey That's so sad, but lovely your DH was with him. My friend also slagged off her ex, clearly to justify to herself why she'd had an affair. We made it clear we weren't interested in hearing her badmouth him and it's only because she did shut up that our friendship continued, otherwise we'd have done the same as you.

For some reason i feel the same way as the previous poster who said her loyalty would lie with her female friend.

Not to say I'd be rude if I met them.out somewhere, but I don't think I'd be getting buddy/buddy very quickly with the new girlfriend. I know it's probably hypocritical but it's the reality for me.

I wouldn't meet her. I hate it when people leave their families and just start a new happy family straight away. He's gone from gifttags from one family to gifttags with a new family from one Christmas to the next. Meanwhile his children are left with their world turned upside down and feeling abandoned. Why make it easy for him? I would just say I'm not interested.

To be this enmeshed 9 months in I’d be surprised if it wasn’t an affair.

I would do whatever it took not to hurt my friend. I think I’d stay away from both DH and his new gf for a while until the dust has settled. Your DH can see his mate as usual.

This happened to me although it was a shorter relationship with a small child involved.

I feel very sorry for you OP as it’s an awful situation to be in. I wish I could say it’s possible to continue ‘not taking sides’ but it actually gets harder over time not easier.

I’d recommend being very honest with both MF and FF. In your situation I would say to MF ‘I’m pleased you’ve met somebody and are happy but DH and I (as a couple) can’t share the same sort of friendship we did with you and FF. DH will socialise with you both as a couple but for now I will sit this out as I’m sure you understand that it puts me in a difficult position.’