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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Oldest friends marriage split

112 replies

Member345787 · 03/01/2020 10:17

Back story is DH oldest friend married a friend of mine 20+ years ago. She had two small children when they met, and they went on to have a child together. She was a colleague I was friends with out of work and they met through us. Over the years, we have socialised together frequently as a foursome every few months, we considered them both friends, knew both extended families well, and they are godparents to DS.

In March this year, male friend ended their marriage and told DH about the split although he didn't specify reasons/details and we didn't ask. I contacted my friend and offered her a shoulder to cry on. A few months later, male friend tells DH about a new GF, and I felt uncomfortable with lying to my friend when she found out, and asked me if I knew. We have tried to be there for both friends (DH texting male friend, and me visiting my friend who is devastated) and have been careful not to take sides.

At Christmas, male friend drops in to ours with presents for DS with gift tags signed from him, his GF and her child. He also suggested we arrange a date to get together to meet his GF for the first time.

I feel torn because I have been friends with male friend as long as I have known DH, but also feel loyalty to his ex wife/my friend. I did comment to DH that it was a bit strange to have gift cards signed this way, which he did agree with, but when I said I wasn't sure about meeting new GF, DH couldn't understand my dilemma.

I'm tempted to say that whilst I am happy for male friend, I don't feel comfortable meeting new GF for a while. AIBU?

OP posts:

bumblingbovine49 · 03/01/2020 13:54

The injured party (usually the woman) loses friendships because she’s upset and in shock from experiencing the abrupt end of the marriage. Whilst the one whose head was turned/had an affair/planned an exit has a shiny new fun life to present, and scoops up the friends in the process.*

This. In my case, it we as also because my mostly coupled up friends felt uncomfortable with asking a single woman to things ( no children with my ex)

I was never invited to family based things as ' I wouldn't be interested in hanging out with couples and children' apparently.

Obviously DHs friends didn't really ever see me again.

In that way, I lost almost all of my friends after my first marriage broke down.

BarbedBloom · 03/01/2020 14:04

This happened to my friend (she was you in this situation). She wanted to be loyal to her friend but her husband was best friends with her friend's now ex. She held out meeting her for a while but it caused problems in her own marriage to be honest. In the end they ended up losing the friendship with her friend. The best friend got engaged to new girlfriend a year later and his first partner couldn't deal with it. Friend's husband insisted on going to the wedding and my friend went because her own marriage might have been at risk if she didn't. Friend never spoke to her again. It is so difficult when you are torn between two people.

Personally it sounds like it is fairly serious with his new girlfriend already so this is going to continue being the elephant in the room. I don't always judge people who end up in new relationships quickly as some relationships have been dead for a while before the final break. But I do expect them to understand why it might be hard for everyone around them. Sadly if your friend continues to struggle there may come a point when you have to choose between them so I would be prepared for that, especially if your own husband chooses differently.

MulticolourMophead · 03/01/2020 14:08

At our last meeting my friend told me STBXH had asked them to arrange a date to all go out and socialise as couples. She said she was very torn and had told her DH she wasn’t comfortable with it, it caused a big argument between them as he accused her of taking sides.

@FVFrog But your friend's DH is taking sides, expecting his DW to socialise when she doesn't want to.

I'm sorry you're in this position.

@Member345787 I think you've made a sensible decision. It might also help if you reassure your friend that you won't be "telling tales" to her DH.

BarbedBloom · 03/01/2020 14:09

Just to add I also lost all of my friends when my then DH got with the OW and married her even though he had also been abusive. I think one way or the other people always pick sides

theflushedzebra · 03/01/2020 14:12

This issue caused major friction in a friendship group of mine a few years back I'm afraid.

We tried to remain friends with both parties, and our female friend (the one who had been left) was left devastated that people were still seeing him, because she considered herself "our friend" first.

She did end up drifting from the group completely, so my advice would be to think of your female friend, and maybe don't meet the gf yet. Let your DH go. I think she would probably consider it a betrayal, as my friend did.

CosmoK · 03/01/2020 14:22

I'm going to go against the grain here and say the grown up thing would be to meet the new girlfriend.
I left my husband of 10 years and met someone new very quickly. On the surface the relationship looked perfect but i was deeply unhappy. We had lots of mutual friends and they didn't react well to the split.
I met my now DH of 7 years 3 months later and I will always be eternally grateful to the friends who supported me and my new relationship. 8 years later and I still have 'friends' who have struggled to come to terms with the fact I left their friend - despite the fact he made me very unhappy.
Everyone deserves to be happy - don't punish the new girlfriend. it's not fair.

thepeopleversuswork · 03/01/2020 14:29

If the friend is still very upset and grieving as is clearly the case here I think you owe it to her to keep some distance with the new gf. I think fine for your DH to keep up his friendship but maybe tactfully suggest that he not force everyone to integrate too soon.

It may be over time that if the new relationship stays the course and as your friend moves on that you can reevaluate this: I don't think you have to be committed to a kind of lifelong omerta. Sometimes things can take a strange turn and after the hurt dies down it may be possible to change things. But at the moment your primary loyalty is to your friend and out of respect for her you should keep things pretty cool and detached with the gf.

Lizzie0869 · 03/01/2020 14:35

This is such a difficult position that you're in, OP. I think your DH is being unfair to you by effectively expecting you to side with his friend despite knowing how close you are to his friend's ex.

FWIW I think you're right that it's too soon for you and DH to socialise with his mate and his new GF. It would be very hurtful to your friend; she needs time to come to terms with what's happened

Why the hurry anyway?

Nanamilly · 03/01/2020 14:38

OP, the gift card signed from the bloke, his girlfriend and her child is way too much way too soon. Id avoid him and the girlfriend like the plague becauseits obvious they don't have an ounce of decency in them..

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 14:41

I don't agree with your approach. I'm going through the same, my close friends have split, one has moved on, I will meet thr new partner happily and explain to the other I am doing so, it's very unreasonable to penalise the Male for the female if you're friends with them both equally. As a pp said, it's been nearly a year, he is entitled to move on. Without good friends saying they can't meet his new partner because his ex is handling it so badly.

Don't take sides. Explain to her he has moved on, you will meet the new partner, you'd be happy to tell her about it if she wishes to know and answer any questions, in a none bitchy way obviously, and leave it there.

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 14:42

Id avoid him and the girlfriend like the plague becauseits obvious they don't have an ounce of decency in them

What? It's been nearly a year!

CosmoK · 03/01/2020 14:46

Id avoid him and the girlfriend like the plague becauseits obvious they don't have an ounce of decency in them

Please explain........cos this is a ridiculous statement. People are entitled to move on!

ToEarlyForDecorations · 03/01/2020 15:10

Why does he get to maintain his social circle while she's left in the dust?

Yep, this is my question. I knew some one who had friends down the pub. Met new man. Introduced new man to friends from down the pub. All good. Friend and new man became a couple. Split up a couple of years later. Somehow HE got, 'custody' of her original friends from down the pub.

How come he didn't just fuck off back to where he came from and find a new washer woman, er I mean gf.

Back on topic now please.

CosmoK · 03/01/2020 15:18

Why does he get to maintain his social circle while she's left in the dust?

How about people start acting like grown ups and realise you don't 'own' an adult? Relationships break up and in this case it doesn't sound like he cheated so why can't he remain friends with people? Choosing to leave a relationship because you're unhappy doesn't make you a horrible person.

Although i know from bitter experience that people act strangely when relationships break up.....my ex-DH cheated on me and was emotionally abusive but because I left and met someone else quickly I was the bad guy and lost the vast majority of my friends.

zasknbg · 03/01/2020 15:20

I’d get your dh to say to the man that you feel as though you are in a very awkward position now and could they postpone the meet-up until the dust settles.

I think the man sounds like a twat requesting this meet up because of the fact that you have a 20+ year friendship with the ex-w which predated his marriage. He has put you in an awkward position and doesn’t care about that.

It very much looks as though this new woman was OW or waiting in the wings.

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 15:23

Why does he get to maintain his social circle while she's left in the dust

This cannot be a serious question? Marriages end. Sometimes both were unhappy and it's right. Irrelevant of why either party can end a marriage. They don't then need to wear sack cloth and ashes for ever more.

Teenytinyvoice · 03/01/2020 15:34

I think my mum was as hurt by how easily people accepted my Dad’s OW, almost as much as by my Dad pissing off with her in the first place

CosmoK · 03/01/2020 15:36

But it's different if there has been infidelity.....people are speculating that this is the case here but there's really no proof that's the case.
People are allowed to move on....

thepeopleversuswork · 03/01/2020 16:31

Id avoid him and the girlfriend like the plague because its obvious they don't have an ounce of decency in them

this is totally histrionic. We can't possibly know this. They are entitled to end a marriage and move on and its not reaonable to expect them to be pariahs.

I just think you have to put your friend's needs and feelings first as she's clearly feeling very vulnerable.

GetOffYourHighHorse · 03/01/2020 17:05

'This cannot be a serious question? Marriages end. Sometimes both were unhappy and it's right. Irrelevant of why either party can end a marriage. They don't then need to wear sack cloth and ashes for ever more.'

No but surely the man and his gf can widen their social circle. It's really inappropriate to push old friends to accept a new partner, it might happen naturally over a longer period of time not by forcing the op to make friends with his gf.

CosmoK · 03/01/2020 17:07

Why is it wrong to want your friends to meet your new partner? People need to seriously get some perspective

Tabbykitty · 03/01/2020 17:31

At Christmas, male friend drops in to ours with presents for DS with gift tags signed from him, his GF and her child.

When your DS hasn't met either of them, urgh. Why not just sign it from himself as his godfather and leave it at that.

I would make the same decision as you Op and support your friend. No reason your DH can't socialise with him separately going forward and as his GF is never going to be godmother to your DS (that's your own friend's role) I wouldn't be in a hurry for her to meet him either.

CosmoK · 03/01/2020 17:47

I'm beginning to think some of you are my friends. They've treated me appallingly since I left my ( very unhappy) marriage and met someone else.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 03/01/2020 17:49

it might happen naturally over a longer period of time not by forcing the op to make friends with his gf.

The ex-h will not see it like this. As has been mentioned up thread. He's got his shiny new gf and a shiny new life. He's had time to get his act together and is full steam ahead. The STBEx-wife is shattered and trying to pick up the pieces of a broken marriage/life etc.

He's pretty much all smug and bragging, 'look what I've got. Good, no ?'

This is pretty much how a widowed parent carried on when they were dating with four week's of their spouses death. (Let's just be generous and say that's four weeks after not before. Or not.)

People needed to be pleased and should say if they weren't. If not, they were being two faced.

So all this, 'shoving the new partner in people's faces whether they are ready or not' seems to happen no matter how the relationship ends.

Seems to me a lot of blokes take the view that they were friends with the guy of the still together couple. So, nothing changed in their world. Just their partner. Nothing for any one else to concern themselves with. The fact that the wives/long term female partner were friends even great friends is hard luck/collateral damage.

CosmoK · 03/01/2020 18:05

I'm not a bloke but I think people can be friends with different groups of people.
There is no need to take sides in this case - I could understand it if he'd had an affair but that doesn't sound like that's the case.
Yes it's sad his ex-wife is struggling and the op should support her but that doesn't mean never speaking to the man in this scenario or punishing him and his new girlfriend.

I've not been invited to one of my oldest friends birthday party for 8 years....the reason?They don't want to upset my ex ( who has remarried btw) it's pathetic and I've distanced myself from her. People need to grow up and understand it's okay to leave an unhappy relationship and okay to meet someone new and be happy.

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