Oldest friends marriage split

[Member345787]

Back story is DH oldest friend married a friend of mine 20+ years ago. She had two small children when they met, and they went on to have a child together. She was a colleague I was friends with out of work and they met through us. Over the years, we have socialised together frequently as a foursome every few months, we considered them both friends, knew both extended families well, and they are godparents to DS.

In March this year, male friend ended their marriage and told DH about the split although he didn't specify reasons/details and we didn't ask. I contacted my friend and offered her a shoulder to cry on. A few months later, male friend tells DH about a new GF, and I felt uncomfortable with lying to my friend when she found out, and asked me if I knew. We have tried to be there for both friends (DH texting male friend, and me visiting my friend who is devastated) and have been careful not to take sides.

At Christmas, male friend drops in to ours with presents for DS with gift tags signed from him, his GF and her child. He also suggested we arrange a date to get together to meet his GF for the first time.

I feel torn because I have been friends with male friend as long as I have known DH, but also feel loyalty to his ex wife/my friend. I did comment to DH that it was a bit strange to have gift cards signed this way, which he did agree with, but when I said I wasn't sure about meeting new GF, DH couldn't understand my dilemma.

I'm tempted to say that whilst I am happy for male friend, I don't feel comfortable meeting new GF for a while. AIBU?

The pragmatic side of me suggests that you will have to meet her some day and that the marriage ended for many reasons - which you may never fully understand. Objectively, people are entitled to move on and be happy.

However, I fully understand your loyalty to your friend and her ex has put you in a bit of an awkward position. I would hold off for now but pacify your DH's friend by suggesting a date in the future at a time when you feel more comfortable. I'd also keep it very low key and neutral ie: quick drink at the pub rather than dinner.

FWIW, I say this as someone who moved on reasonably quickly after a marriage to someone with whom I'd been with a pretty long time, but only married for 2 years. We ended due to falling out of love with each other over time probably way before we got married, no kids, and it was all things considered, amicable. I was the one to fully end it though, and I didn't introduce my new partner to select mutual friends until a year later; even then, it was to friends who were more my friends than his. Nearly two years on (and 2.5 years after ex and I split) and some of the mutual friends who were more ex's still haven't met new partner.

You don't have to do anything you feel uncomfortable with.

Just to add as well that your DH can go without you for a while.

I’ve been in the position of @CosmoK myself and it cost me the friendship with my BFF even though she and XH actually disliked each other.

It seems she couldn’t process that sometimes marriages just end and couldn’t forgive me it seems for finding genuine happiness so soon after the collapse of my marriage.

HOWEVER I am living the OPs reality right this moment and it’s so hard. I think we are bound to lose the friendship of the one who has been left as he’s lost and angry but DH and I cannot sever the tie with his wife who left him as he was quite frankly becoming a drunk and depressive nightmare.

Both are lovely people... which may explain why she’s managed to meet someone so soon and I’m confident it’s not a rebound.

TL;DR there are no winners here. All you can do is be compassionate and open and honest as you can, and above all protect your relationship as it’s not inconceivable “taking sides” can cause your own marriage to judder.

I lost all my friends when I left my abusive ex. He was very handsome, charming and plausible and played the injured party.

There was no one else involved on my side , it was literally years until I dated again. It took me so long to even think about dating. So not like in the Ops situation where there’s reasonable suspicion that he cheated and that new GF is OW.

When I eventually confided in some of my female friends that he had hit me , they pursed their lips and said “ There’s two sides to every story “ and “ Are you sure? Because we never saw your with any injuries “.

( I had police records and medical / dental report of injuries BTW and I still have one scar more than 20 years later).

Some of my “ friends “ told me that I was too fussy and I would never meet anyone better.

I was devastated, because when you are in an abusive relationship, you always think you are exaggerating and no one will believe you, that’s it all your fault.

And that’s exactly what happened. In the end I lost all of my friends, as they effectively took his side ( while saying they wouldn’t take sides of course ).

So now I would always be on my female friends side, unless I had absolute proof that she had behaved appallingly.

Also most men are on their mates side, regardless of what he has done.

So I’d do what you have done OP.

Tbh I'm cringing at thought of you and dh getting togther socially with Male friend and his gf. Cant put my finger on it why but feels a bit icky.

Why is it iky? That's bizarre. People are allowed new partners.
When a marriage ends are people meant to hide away and only socialise with new friends?

@CosmoK

Why is it iky? That's bizarre. People are allowed new partners.
When a marriage ends are people meant to hide away and only socialise with new friends?

Because when marriages end it is rarely a cold and sterile atmosphere. There are feelings and emotions involved and usually the decision has been made by one party and the other doesn't agree (unless it is another woman/man). The injured party is often not very rationale either.

We had another couple as friends. They are high level professionals in their field but he decided he had had enough and left. This was after long discussions, counselling etc....and no suggestion of another woman ( although we now believe that she may have had someone around even as an emotional affair which he found out about but never told us when it was going on)

She was outraged despite him continuing for the time to pay all the household bills etc and couldn't accept he didn't want to remain married to her. We were counsel to her and to a lesser extent her husband but it was clear part of her outrage wasn't just the loss of the relationship but also her future lifestyle. I've never seen anger like it and never seemed to subside.

We have navigated it but several years on she is still very angry and sees him as living the life of riley with his new girlfriend etc even though they don't even live together. Yes she does have the majority of the childcare but he has them very regularly and also does share of holidays etc.

The moral is at if one side wants to introduce new partners it is sensible to refuse until the emotions die down as otherwise the anger and emotion from within the marriage gets directed at you as innocent friends. He could see that and didn't push it but now years on we have made the point to him that we will socialise together, and applies to both of them.

Of course there are high emotions but someone having a new partner and wanting their friends to meet the new partner isn't icky. It's life! Sometimes it needs to be dealt with sensitively but refusing to meet a new partner when there's been no evidence of an affair is childish.

I've learnt the hard way that people get weird when relationships end. I've had to revaluate some longstanding friendships. I'm not allowed in a mutual friends house now because her husband won't allow it .....my crime? 8 years ago I left his cheating , emotionally abusive friend and met someone else. I was nothing but fair during the divorce- in fact he screwed me over financially yet I'm the bad guy for wanting to be happy.

Life is short. People deserve to be happy.

I personally think you need to not get involved in any way. Just accept the new gf.
Relationships are complex and we rarely understand what’s happening behind closed doors so best be neutral but supportive of all in my opinion.

If the ex was always complaining about him it seems they weren’t meant for each other. Go and meet the girlfriend with an open mind and open heart. This might be a bit awkward for a bit but everyone will be happier in the long run if it wasn’t working out anyway.

I've been thinking about this, particularly Cosmo who makes a good point.

I think if couples are friends with other couples it is because everyone likes each other. Not that easy to find.

Very close friends of my parents split and they tried to keep up the relationships with both of their friends. Problem was that they just didn't like the new GF (now DW) that much. They initially dealt with that for the sake of their friend but then he got more and more like his new DW so everything drifted.

I'm tempted to say that whilst I am happy for male friend, I don't feel comfortable meeting new GF for a while

Just say this then. You don't have to meet his new GF if you don't feel ready to do so. I'd not want to either. Maybe further down the line - if they're still together - but I wouldn't be coerced. I'd meet when I was good and ready. Let the dust settle a bit. In the meantime your H will still be meeting with his friend and likely the GF too so what's the problem!? You don't have to be joined at the hip