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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Having a baby who sleeps through noise is just luck

170 replies

Hustssleeping · 02/01/2020 23:59

My friends new baby will only sleep in perfect silence. Which means a family tiptoeing around with white noise on when they want to whisper. It seems crazy but I remember doing the same with my first.
Is it just luck if your baby sleeps through any noise or is there a trick to it? She desperately wants to know as her DSS comes EOW and she feels bad asking him to be quiet- she knows its important it's his house too..
So
IABU there is a way of teaching babies to sleep through noise (if so- share the magic please!)
IANBU- it's just luck

OP posts:

Alexandrite · 03/01/2020 09:49

Mine were born with very different temperaments. Dd1 was quite chilled and a good sleeper. Dd2 was very jumpy and easily roused and woke up to 10 times a night the first year.

Buyitinbamboo · 03/01/2020 09:49

Luck IMO. Was silent as a mouse with DD, turns out she sleeps through anything, DS we just carry on as normal and hes not bothered, my kids just are heavy sleepers like me.
I disagree with the comment that babies who sleep through aren't having their needs met though. Some babies just dont wake for night feeds, DD was one, DS not so much

GailCindy · 03/01/2020 09:55

there is a reason your child is not a good sleeper. So again it is not down to chance/luck/etc.

I think this is so dangerous to say. A lot of parents with children who have SEND did everything by the book and one of the first signs that their baby had some issues was that they didn't sleep well. These parents wreck themselves with guilt thinking that it is something they have done to make their baby not sleep or not meet other developmental milestones when there are other reasons, physical or sensory, that the baby is not able to sleep well. It could be reflux which is common in many conditions which you may not know your young baby has. It could be that they have a hypersensitive or hyposensitive tendency which makes their bedclothes or the temperature of the room unbearable. These are things you cannot reasonably know how to try and deal with until the child is older and you can use trial and error or hopefully some of their own communication to guide you.

On top of that, people overestimate and exaggerate how well their baby sleeps which gives false impressions. Even to researchers. I remember a cousin of mine saying her baby has always slept right through the night. On discussing this what I found is that she called sleeping through the night waking to feed and then going right back to sleep. I call sleeping through the night going all night with no feeds and I asked her because it would be dangerous to leave a newborn all night every night without feeding them. I think her baby is a really good sleeper because a lot of babies need regular feeding AND settling through the night but I wouldn't describe that baby as sleeping through the night since birth like she would.

HowDoIhelp321 · 03/01/2020 10:01

A dangerous thing to say? Don't be daft.

FesteredFairy · 03/01/2020 10:05

I am not sure about luck, but our parents never "pussy-footed" about when we were babies, life just carried on. As a result we call all sleep well and in different conditions.
If you think about it, whilst you are carrying, your baby will hear "life" going on and be used to it. It must be weird to have that background noise removed completely.
I do, however, have a colleague, who can only sleep in complete dark and complete silence! He is an only child, I do not know if that makes any difference.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/01/2020 10:08

Gailcindy

I have a friend like this. Even now as a 2 year old she is often tired, whingy and badly behaved. Her mum and dad have always refused to kowtow to a baby, so she never really got any naps, they would wake her to show her off to friends, keep her up late etc. They also moan that she won't lie in of a morning & is often hard work in the afternoons (prob because she is tired.....)

GailCindy · 03/01/2020 10:09

It is dangerous to say because it leads to parental MH issues and increases the chances of parental conflict and in turn domestic abuse.

greeneyedlulu · 03/01/2020 10:12

Luck! My 8 week old sleeps through parties, visiting the arcades on the beach front but indoors, I fart and she wakes and screams like I threw a bucket of cold water over her!

IvinghoeBeacon · 03/01/2020 10:13

I’m one of four, FesteredFairy, and we all have different sleeping requirements - the youngest (who would never have experienced a quiet house) was the most wakeful. Our sleeping habits as adults also vary and for some don’t reflect how we were as children. I don’t think you can extrapolate much from this really other than that people are all different and it was probably coincidence that none of you were bothered by noise

MotherOfTheNoise · 03/01/2020 10:14

I also think some of it is genetics, my DD1 is the spit of me (god help me when she's a teenager ) and has slept through fire alarms, security alarms, hoovering, NYE party celebration in our pub. Whereas DS1 is his father, wakes up at any noise and is a right pain to get back to sleep!

DefConOne · 03/01/2020 10:23

My first was a terrible sleeper, wound up like a tight spring. All the judgement that it was my fault for not getting her used to noise added to the depression and anxiety a baby like that can give you. We had to have very strict sleep routines from a young age which went against how we planned to parent.

She had since been diagnosed with ASD and sensory processing disorder and had medication to help her sleep. So it wasn’t shit parenting after all.

I really wish parents could have more empathy for others and keep their smug ‘advice’ to themselves.

Wheredidigowrongggggg · 03/01/2020 10:36

It’s definitely what they get used to. First house next door to a pub. Baby’s room opened onto a noisy beer garden. She slept through it fine and we deliberately weren’t quiet because of those ‘mental’ friends who spoke in whispers and wouldn’t let you flush the loo if you went for dinner cos it would wake the kids.

We moved to a large bungalow. Kids rooms right at the back away from all ambient family noise. They are now much older and very sensitive to night noise because it’s so bloody quiet. same kids!!

Logic says I Need to play van halen at increasingly loud volumes to get them back used to it. Sadly life and work mean that’s not happened yet. I am telling them they need to suck it up though and stop coming out just because someone hears daddy singing.

GailCindy · 03/01/2020 10:40

@where

I would have assumed that they became more sensitive to noise through age. What would wake my son up at 3 wouldn't always wake him up at 6 months. Same at 14 and 3.

JosefKeller · 03/01/2020 10:47

absolutely luck.

My first 2 sleep through anything - and they were born in a very quiet house. Number 4 is an absolute nightmare, would only sleep well in a silent house. We are talking about a 2 hours nap vs a 20 minutes one. Born and raised in a not-so-quiet house!, never got used to it.

To pretend "carry on as normal" makes a difference is bollocks - your child would have slept well regardless, but as you haven't tried, you can be smug about your superior parenting....

LisaSimpsonsbff · 03/01/2020 10:52

I am telling them they need to suck it up though and stop coming out just because someone hears daddy singing.

If someone kept waking an adult up by singing, of all the unnecessary things, I don't think many people would say the adult should just suck it up.

hazeyjane · 03/01/2020 10:53

@GailCindy makes a good point. We knew that something was going on with ds in the first year - horrendous reflux, terrible sleep, feeding issues, health problems and the niggling feeling that something was not right. It was only when ds was a year old that professionals started to take our worries seriously, and it was only when he was 8 that he was diagnosed with a genetic condition. It had a terrible negative effect on my mental health to continuously look at oneself and think 'what am I getting wrong for things to be this hard'...and I have friends in similar situations who have struggled and whose relationships have faltered under the strain of thinking it is how you or your partner are parenting, and when stirred in a big ol pot of worry, sleep deprivation and trying to get support, it all crumbles.

MelroseHigginbottom · 03/01/2020 10:55

My 9 month old has slept through the night a grand total of 1 time in his entire life. He had never even slept through 1/4 of the night before that and even now rarely does. I think having a baby that sleeps through ANYthing is the luck of the draw :(

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/01/2020 10:59

I'm hoping that it's luck. I had five and not one of them was a sleeper. They've all left home now and I am STILL catching up with sleep..

If it's not luck then I was the worst mother ever.

OhWellThatsJustGreat · 03/01/2020 11:00

I don't think it's purely luck, I think that noises during pregnancy have an effect. My son sleeps through everything, I put it down to my the fact that I work in a noisy pub, my parents and in laws are loud and dh can be a very shouty person depending on circumstances.

IvinghoeBeacon · 03/01/2020 11:04

I can see that hazeyjane - my son was very wakeful (every 45 minutes until about 14mo) but I had no additional concerns about him - he just needed a lot of closeness when it came to sleep (noise much less of an issue!). So I was always fairly confident that we hadn’t done anything “wrong”, it was just his needs and eventually he reached a developmental stage where he didn’t need that any more. It was hard, but I didn’t have the additional worry about other issues. There are people who are very keen to make you feel like anything less than the “ideal” must be your fault however, and that’s particularly shitty when it comes to HCPs not believing you when you have concerns

Original poster

Hustssleeping · 03/01/2020 11:29

This is really interesting!
I'm definitely in the luck camp- at least I really hope I couldn't have made a difference to those tip-toe days!

For those who think it's not luck (about 1/3rd of voters, but only a couple of commenters) what do you think she can do? She's tried a couple of times to make normal noise but gives up as her baby just ends up exhausted and grumpy. Seems mean to just expect them to learn if it means they end up exhausted!

OP posts:

Original poster

Hustssleeping · 03/01/2020 11:31

And yes I cant sleep through a noisy environment so why should a baby?
But then maybe if me parents hadn't tip-toed around me 40 years ago then I wouldn't get annoyed about the neighbours new years day party (after the NYE party on the other side...) but that's for another thread!

OP posts:

CripsSandwiches · 03/01/2020 11:32

Everyone wants to take credit for the things that are going well with their babies. My first I just carried on he got used to noise and was fine. DD never got used to it and being the second it was much harder to actually enforce silence so she was often over tired!

missyoumuch · 03/01/2020 11:33

It’s luck. Babies are individuals just like older kids and adults are. DH can sleep through a street parade but I’m woken by almost any small noise. I have friends whose second DCs are more sensitive to noise than the first were so it’s not about first time parents getting it wrong either.

Original poster

Hustssleeping · 03/01/2020 11:36

Putting the baby in the garden is also a great suggestion

OP posts:

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