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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Manners with guests?

153 replies

AmbitiouslyFit · 02/01/2020 02:38

Had my brother over, he usually is shy and hardly talks and is still young- just hit 20s.

DH has been generous and bought us meat which I used to make meat balls and got us all sorts of things.

I prepared a meat ball dish that requires wrap bread seeing that DH bought some wrap bread. However for lunch we used some of the wrap bread for hummus as well.

Brother was staying over and I told him to help himself to anything except he was quite embarrassed and I think only when I went to sleep he helped himself.

Come time for dinner and I was setting the table and I asked DH where the wrap bread was (assuming he packed it away when I was asleep) and he said he doesn’t know. So I checked fridge and I told him I think there is non left.

Now here is the issue ...

Everyone is sat in the living room. He asks me to check the fridge and I say it’s not there. So I say I will make rice as we won’t be eating it with wraps. He kept insisting there is wraps left.. and I told him no...

H then proceeds to tell me to check the bin in case someone has eaten it which I found weird as brothers were both sat there and it felt odd to be doing this little investigation. I I repeated to DH with a frtrates rone that the bread has finished and that’s that let’s move on and I’m making rice.

He then turns to my brother and asks him directly where the bread is... he was being polite but he was persistent and saying things like “where is it I left it right here” at which point I snap and I tell him to stop asking useless questions and move on.

He is now offended saying that I made him sound stingey like he had an agenda and that all he wanted was to know where the bread was.

But I was pissed off because to me you don’t make a scene out of a missing 2 wraps of bread.. and you don’t expect them to answer to you if they have eaten it especially when we told them to make themselves at home and they hardly did.

He then came to me if I was upset and was within war shot of my brother and I said to please leave it for another time and I think he was very rude the way he handled this.

He is one upset now and I feel I should’ve been more appreciative of the fact he bought stuff for dinner for everyone and went out of his way to make bread and make them happy

How would you have handled this ?

OP posts:
ButtercupGirI · 02/01/2020 08:10

Your dh made your guests feeling unwelcome, the interrogations were humiliating. You will only do this to your own kids to make sure they were not lying.

For those who think meatballs can only be eaten with pssta or spaghetti. My kids prefer them in tortilla wraps, you see meatballs in rolls in shops too like subways.

needanewnamechange · 02/01/2020 08:11

But why did you tell your brother to help himself?
You should of said not the wraps they are for dinner .
No wonder your brother didn't own up with your dh going on like that too . Seams odd to be Hmm

Shedidnt · 02/01/2020 08:11

You sound like the DH. The empathy of a bulldozer, the grace of a hammer and the social awareness of a bull in a china shop.

phoenixrosehere · 02/01/2020 08:12

My brother would’ve been more than happy with a vegetarian dish but my DH insisted today go buy all the ingredients for his favourite meal.

So said dish was your brother’s favourite yet your DH decided to treat the missing wraps as a crime?

Sounds like your dh is trying to disguise the fact about your finances. You’re on a tight budget yet he insists to get meat despite knowing this and you saying your brother is happy eating whatever you make meat or no meat. You tell your brother to help himself as you would do with family. He does even though sounds reluctant to do so (wonder why). He possibly ate the wraps by accident not knowing they were going to be used (was told to help himself). Your DH looks for them the next day and your brother is likely thinking to himself (oh no) and is nervous to say something. It only gets worse as your dh gets ridiculous about it (really over wraps?!) and makes it worse by ignoring your simple change and to drop this obvious non-issue.

Sorry OP, but your husband sounds like a jerk and a bully. Should have told db that they were for tomorrow and husband should get over himself. Would he have behaved this way if it was one of his family members?

brassbrass · 02/01/2020 08:12

And you sound like a hysterical melodramatic hand wringing drama queen. HTH.

Shedidnt · 02/01/2020 08:13

A good host should make everyone feel welcome. Interrogating everyone there present about the absence of the wrap bread was like asking a crowd gathered 'Who drank the last of the wine?'

It would be the last time I'd visit.

Singlebutmarried · 02/01/2020 08:15

I have RTFT and can’t see it but......

DB ate the remaining 2 wraps......

Were 2 wraps really going to feed 4 adults?

Shedidnt · 02/01/2020 08:16

The melodrama my dear is making a song and a dance out of a pair of fucking wraps. Not me saying that you need to realise that the DH was rude as fuck to his guests. They're not his guests, so he thought he could be mean as he liked.

brassbrass · 02/01/2020 08:18

I don't think the DH was solely to blame. OP and her brother sound annoying and hard work too.

Shedidnt · 02/01/2020 08:19

Shy or not, you're going to feel embarrassed if you ate something that appears to be so important that an interrogation of all people present is warranted along with a forensic search of the rubbish bin.

I'm not backwards at coming forwards but when I was a teen, I was so terribly shy, I used to go bright red if someone said more than Hello to me.

Shyness aside, the DH made a show of the poor brother and much ado about nothing.

Shedidnt · 02/01/2020 08:20

@brassbrass Do you find nobody wants to be around you?

brassbrass · 02/01/2020 08:22

I expect the DH is probably fed up of the way OP carries on around her brother. And no I would have spoken up actually the moment it came up. I wouldn't have sat there like a lemon knowing full well what they were asking/bickering about.

brassbrass · 02/01/2020 08:25

Not at all she didn't

Do you think your shyness hangup has made you a bit unhinged and unable to respond in a measured way?

Shedidnt · 02/01/2020 08:25

I expect you wouldn't notice if people didn't want you around....

phoenixrosehere · 02/01/2020 08:29

I remember being shy and packing extra food in my bag (granola bars, crackers with cheese ) and this situation was the reason why. I’d only help myself to things that there were a lot of or at least more than how many people were in the house. I hated being the focus of attention even more so if it was negative so I can understand why your brother kept mum. I would have said sorry, I didn’t know, but I wouldn’t have enjoyed the meal afterwards and would have counted down the moments until I could leave and dread visiting.

I wouldn’t be surprised if your brother was trying to gather the courage to say he did, but with your dh going on and on about it instead of dropping it, it made him clam up more. I also don’t see why he would interrupt an argument between you both when your dh is being aggressive.

brassbrass · 02/01/2020 08:31

I certainly notice annoying people wish I didn't 🤣

Shedidnt · 02/01/2020 08:35

This thread is making me hungry. Now I want crackers with cheese lol

Cordial11 · 02/01/2020 08:38

Mmm I want the recipe too OP lol

JellyfishandShells · 02/01/2020 08:46

Poor boy - he’s a visitor in a house of petty dramas and tension.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 02/01/2020 08:46

Does your DH normally scrimp on food?
Dos he ration your food intake or control it?
I think you might have much bigger problems, if that is the case.

HoppingPavlova · 02/01/2020 08:49

We ARE on a tight budget as I’m on maternity and in all honesty DH went out of his way for paying for all the food.

I’m very confused by this. How did he go out of his way in paying for ALL the food? If you have people stay then you need to get food and feed them as well as yourselves, what is he going out of his way with? Or am I missing something?

It all seems 50 shades of odd.

KaptainKaveman · 02/01/2020 08:52

Searching the bins? really? I'd describe that as unhinged and extremely weird behaviour, frankly.

Beautiful3 · 02/01/2020 08:57

Your husband acted strangely. It's just 2 wraps. Either go to the shop and spend a pound or make the rice. No need for searching through bins. How were 2 wraps going to feed all of you anyway?

Deckthehallswithlotsofcake · 02/01/2020 08:59

I had friends like that when I was a child. Their parents would invite me to stay over for dinner and then begrudge me every single bite I ate. So fucking rude.

FaFoutis · 02/01/2020 09:00

It sounds like the DH is making the OP feel unwelcome too.
Buying food from 15 mins away isn't generous or going 'out of his way', it's normal.
What is he usually like?