Eating only until tummy is full bollocks

[pjmask]

It's all gone too far. Lunch with dsis, bil and their kids in a local restaurant. Their DC order meals that are clearly going to be far too much just from the description. Before they have even started dsis is reminding them they don't have to eat all of it, or even any of it, just until their tummy tells them they are full.

They eat a very small amount of the most unhealthy, nutritionally void part of the meal then announce they are full. Fine. Then they order puddings five minutes later. I will not let my dc order puddings as they have also not finished their meals parroting "tummy says no" nonsense. I suggest we pop to the supermarket on the way home and get ice cream to enjoy later when tummy is not so full instead of wasting money and food buying puddings for four full children. Get told by bil in a rather patronising way that "in our house we choose not to battle over food"

A. What a total dick he is
B. Telling a child who is full to wait a couple of hours before pudding is not having a "battle" over food
C. They are sadly not the only people I've encountered recently who have over-embraced this mantra. For the record my eldest is 22 and I've never been a "clear your plate" sort of parent. The days of great aunt gertie holding your nose and forcing liver and onions in your mouth are hopefully gone! But there is a balance to be had surely, in teaching children not to overload their plates, over-order and simply to appreciate food (especially meat) and how easily available it is?

Aibu?

@7swans I don't really get how having a different opinion makes someone "bonkers".

The OP sounds way over invested to me. I couldn't care less what someone else eats but I wouldn't have split the check 50/50. Or I would, but I wouldn't care about it enough to complain.

I'm with your BIL. As a parent to a child who won't eat (11, has asd and doesn't "feel" hunger) I refuse to battle over food. She eats what she eats, other wise she doesn't eat at all.

Her "record" for not eating stands at 18hrs. Nothing. It's horrible.

Well having read this thread top to bottom all I can say is no wonder the UK as a nation has an unhealthy attitude to food with rising obesity and at the other end of the scale an increasing number of young people with ED

Is this thread really representative of people's attitudes to food or is this an example of one of those MN threads that seems to bring out the extremes?

No child should be "encouraged" to clear their plate on the premise of pudding if they do, but similar the waste in allowing them to order whatever they want and only "pick at it" is ridiculous - what is wrong with encouraging a a person to only order what they they think they will eat? and if they are still hungry then simply order more?

Puddings being standard with at least one meal a day? NOBODY needs that amount of refined sugar in their diet on a regular basis.

Do people seriously "re-balance" their children's plates, or order 2 small portions and "re-distribute" the food? That is BEYOND controlling!

It was unfair that the bill was split 50-50. They really shouldn't have bought adult meals I feel they knew they couldn't eat that amount of food. However the eat til your tummy is full thing isn't necessarily that bad. This is how I've brought my daughter up (although without using those words) and she knows she can leave room for pudding. It doesn't get denied to her. As a consequences she doesn't need to leave a lot of her main meal just to get pudding. Whereas her cousin does have that mindset as puddings are used as reward and punishment and their relationship with food is frankly quite worrying.

I don't see why the OP is getting such a hammering on here.

Food waste is a dreadful thing, it's awful to see children being allowed to order far more than they can possibly eat, picking at it then the rest getting slung in the bin. Then reinforcing the fact that wasting food is fine by allowing them to order even more.

Doesn't mean restricting food or insisting they eat everything on their plate.

This thread is grim!

I dieted myself down to five stone by the age of 17.

One of the drivers of that was my parents mad attempt to force me to clear my plate. Tell me what to eat, not waste food etc

Dinner time is never a battle ground in my house either now.

Yes, my son loves cake. He's three. He self regulates though. Loves raw tomatoes, cucumber, fish etc

He chose a apple over a chocolate yesterday.

Some of you really need to step back a bit- including you OP.

For those insisting they don't understand why pudding is a treat. Don't be such a prat.

"but my dsis and bil are almost fanatical about the "no battles about food" mantra"
"bil tells me in their house they choose not to battle over food"

There's got to be a backstory here. Either in either of your childhood's, or your attitude in the past.

I think your face was probably prompting some of his replies.

What was the point of meeting up, if you wind each other up so much?

Soft play or similar would have been better.

Was this your Christmas/NY meet up? You should relax a lot more, if so.

YABU, I say the exact same to my DC and if we’re eating out as a treat then they can have dessert. I don’t see your point at all, why can’t a child choose to eat a small amount of something they like from the adult menu rather than being limited to the beige offerings from the children’s menu? You sound very strict and controlling around food.

At home things are slightly different, dessert is usually yoghurt and fruit which they see as a treat because of the way we approach it with them. I never approach meal times with a ‘clear your plate or you get nothing else’ attitude because that leads to an unhealthy relationship with food. Meal times are certainly not a battle in my house because we don’t allow them to be, you’re assuming that all children will make poor choices around food and that the situation in the restaurant was an example of all meal times. Adults make those exact same choices when out to eat, it’s usually an opportunity to try new dishes and sample the desserts that wouldn’t be part of a meal at home. It’s a treat! Plenty of adults leave room for a dessert, why should that be different for children?

Children should be given choices so they can learn what they like and what they don’t like, telling them they can only have x/y/z because you don’t like waste is controlling. You should have spoken up and refused to split the bill though, rather than complaining about it afterwards. I think your BIL made the remark about meal times not being a battle because you were being interfering and judgy.

@scubadive I don't have children, but can't honestly say I cared as a kid whether we ordered pudding in a restaurant or picked up ice cream later in the day. If my parents wanted to save a few quid on a meal good for them, it's not like they starved or deprived us. I don't like wasting food and can't say I recall a time I've ordered a pudding without finishing my main course.

The BIL in this scenario was pretty nasty to draw attention to the different attitudes to food and mealtimes. The fact he undermined his sister's parenting (presumably in front of the kids) is more unreasonable than whether or not they cleared their plates or ordered a pudding!

YABU, you obviously find your BIL irritating and think you are a better parent. He probably thinks exactly the same about you. I am closer to your BIL's viewpoint (of course you stop eating when you are full) and I think he probably took it a bit further than usual to push your buttons. And like a wind up toy you gave him the response he wanted.

Honestly, just parent how you want, but please don't make your children keep eating when they are full. I had a 70s childhood and my mum was a real outlier in never making me eat what I didn't fancy. She was a crap mum in many ways, but that is one things she got 100% right - in my 50s and never had a weight problem or issues around food. Best gift you can give your children and worth the occasional food waste for the long term physical and psychogical benefits.

I think the choice to not allow pudding if child claims they are full is fine, and BIL was a bit rude to make out that was a big food battle. If he wants to parent differently that's up to him. If I'm really full from a meal I am too full for pudding really, so I think getting ice cream for later is a good compromise

I probably wouldn’t make a big deal of anything if out for a meal - better just to enjoy ourselves than get into a battle I agree.

That said, I do notice a lot of parents my generation allow their kids to waste food - eg asking for an apple then taking two bites; wanting a snack bar then leaving 2/3 of it. I’d say no if I thought they wouldn’t finish it - just seems so wasteful. I’m always agog as well at the number of kids who ask for cake/pudding then say they don’t like it - don’t ask for it in the first place then, kid! Mine can be fussy (especially the youngest) but they know what they like and don’t like, and don’t ask for food they won’t eat (luckily).

Yanbu. You didn't make a fuss about the food, offered a treat for later and are trying to teach them good habits about avoiding food waste. Did BIL feel guilty that you were being a better parent or does he just not like you so wanted to try and stir your kids into rebellion?

DD1 is like this with DGD, who is 4. I've stopped paying for coffee for them when we go out, because DGD always gets something expensive that she then doesn't eat. DD1 never puts her hand in her pocket. I constantly get told that DGD eats 'loads' and adult sized portions, but I've never seen her eat well.

My kids had a choice - eat or be hungry. I always made food they liked and could eat (severe allergies limited the types of food they could eat) but there was none of this filling up with toast crap. We never had battles over food either. DD2 was a picky eater as a teenager, but that was after years of a restricted diet because of DD1's allergies, so there was a lot of food she had never tried. She's grown out of it.

I think you were quite right, OP, but I wouldn't have split the bill 50/50. I'd have paid for my family's meals and left your DSis and BIL to pay for their wasted food. I am horrified by the waste of food.

That said, I do notice a lot of parents my generation allow their kids to waste food - eg asking for an apple then taking two bites; wanting a snack bar then leaving 2/3 of it. I’d say no if I thought they wouldn’t finish it - just seems so wasteful. I’m always agog as well at the number of kids who ask for cake/pudding then say they don’t like it - don’t ask for it in the first place then, kid!

I don't really understand how you follow these rules without at least some of the people involved having skills in psychic premonition? I can't tell if my toddler will eat all the apple or one slice before I give it to him (he's perfectly capable of doing either) and how does a child know they'll like a cake they haven't tasted?

My dd was terrible for not eating much main course and then having all the pudding in restaurants. But we didn’t really have pudding at home, apart from fruit. So it was a very occasional treat. I rarely commented over food fussiness at home- she left whatever she didn’t want. Mainly because I was a fussy eater myself when young - I just never treated it as an issue.

DD1 is like this with DGD, who is 4. I've stopped paying for coffee for them when we go out, because DGD always gets something expensive that she then doesn't eat. DD1 never puts her hand in her pocket. I constantly get told that DGD eats 'loads' and adult sized portions, but I've never seen her eat well.

My kids had a choice - eat or be hungry. I always made food they liked and could eat (severe allergies limited the types of food they could eat) but there was none of this filling up with toast crap. We never had battles over food either. DD2 was a picky eater as a teenager, but that was after years of a restricted diet because of DD1's allergies, so there was a lot of food she had never tried. She's grown out of it.

Interesting that you think you got it so completely spot on, but your daughter didn't choose to emulate your parenting at all? Why do you think that is? I always wonder this with the 'my parenting was amazing but my children's generation are crap parents' - if your approach was so perfect why hasn't it been passed on?

Mind your own business and attend to your own family.

I also think-even as an adult- that going out to restaurants is partly an experience and a chance to experiment a bit. Sometimes you might take a chance and not get something you like very much and make up for it by having a good pudding instead. I would put pleasure over nutritional and environmental demands at a restaurant, otherwise what’s the point?

OP I’m with you on this. I hate food waste too. I wouldn’t insist my dc eat everything on their plate, but they would be encouraged to eat a reasonable amount for their ages, including the meat/fish element. Something has died so they can eat so if they leave some chips I wouldn’t mind, but they need to make a genuinely good attempt at the rest. If they’d only picked at their main course there would be no pudding for a while. My dc know they can’t just fill up with pudding instead. I actually think your suggestion of ice cream later on was a really good one. Your BIL sounds really self righteous. Think I’d avoid eating out with them again for a while.

This is a bill splitting issue surely. More fool you for agreeing to split the bill 50/50.

Your Bil sounds like a self righteousness knob. Who makes comments like 'in our house... ' clearly judging you and placing himself on a pedestal of his own self perfection.

Next time, only pay for what you ordered, then it's just their waste on every level.

For those insisting they don't understand why pudding is a treat. Don't be such a prat.

Who’s being the prat? Why not accept other people have different attitudes and tastes?

I’ve never understood promoting shit food as ‘treats’ - it glamorises it. Stuff that’s not even particularly nice.

I love savoury. Hate to spoil a nice tasty main course with pudding.