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Original poster

My boyfriends ex is insisting i met her and his child

123 replies

Shayne45 · 01/01/2020 20:33

I have met my lovely boyfriend been together 8 months and his ex and him have a lovely girl together shes 4 years old.
His ex insists that i meet her and their daughter together for the first time do I have to legally do this or can my boyfriend and I meet his daughter without her knowing
My boyfriend is worried that if we just meet his daughter and not her he thinks he will access
His ex is already slagging me off and i wont be a good person etc she’s very controlling and very manipulative what do I do?

OP posts:
Rollonspringtime2020 · 01/01/2020 20:34

His ex has no legal right to dictate how he handles the relationship between you and their dc..

ChocolateCoins19 · 01/01/2020 20:35

Don't do it. Don't let her control your life.

Waveysnail · 01/01/2020 20:36

I dont think her request is unreasonable. Pick public place like a coffee shop

Weebitawks · 01/01/2020 20:37

There is no legal reason that you have to meet the ex (I suppose depending on the custody agreement) but it really would be the mature thing to do. As the mother, it's only natural that she would want to meet someone who is around her child.

Basically if you're not mature enough to put your own feelings if discomfort to one side and meet his ex, then I'm not sure you're mature enough to be in a relationship with a man who has a child.

Duchessgummybuns · 01/01/2020 20:38

She has no right to demand it, but I would probably do it to keep the peace. If your boyfriend is worried she’ll remove access for spurious reasons he should get a contact order.

CodenameVillanelle · 01/01/2020 20:41

This is entirely up to your partner. It's his decision when to introduce you and how. If he wants to do it with the ex there then that's what you should do but it's his decision.

Ellisandra · 01/01/2020 20:41

You absolutely should not meet his daughter without her mother knowing!
That is different to meeting her without her mother present.
But no 4yo should be introduced to daddy’s new girlfriend without their mother primed in case there are any questions asked by the 4yo at home.
That would be rubbish coparenting.
He doesn’t have to seek permission, but he should inform her that it will happen.

Many women on here post asking if they have any right to meet the new girlfriend. Can you imagine what it’s like knowing that your child - when they’re this young - is going to be spending potentially a LOT of time with someone you haven’t met?

My daughter met her stepmother at 5, and as it happens I didn’t meet her first. She lived miles away, and I trusted my ex’s judgement.

So it’s not always practical, and not everyone wants to.

It’s a difficult line to decide whether it’s a kindness to reassure the girl’s mother, or conceding to a controlling demand.

But if he just does it in secret, that’s not good.

Jipiandme · 01/01/2020 20:41

I would absolutely want to meet anyone who spends time with my child. Infact I'd insist upon it. Like pp said, choose a public place you feel comfortable with and just be yourself, you seem nice enough!

Timmythatyou · 01/01/2020 20:42

It would be the respectful things to do. If you are going to stay involved with this man that also means his child and via the child his ex. You will all need to find a way to co- exist together without any drama as that’s what is best for the child

Drabarni · 01/01/2020 20:42

There's no reason for you to meet his ex, and far too soon to be meeting their child. I'd say in about 18 months.
Has your bf 50% residency, and is access court ordered. If she gets difficult difficult he'll need to go through the courts.
Nothing wrong with her requesting, nothing wrong in you and bf saying no.

FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou · 01/01/2020 20:42

I would do it. I would meet them in a public place like a coffee shop or a soft play.

How do you know that his crazy ex has been slagging you off?

MonstranceClock · 01/01/2020 20:42

I think you should. Not a chance would a new partner be meeting my kids without me meeting them first.

Ellisandra · 01/01/2020 20:43

What are his current access arrangements? Has there been any issues previously? What do you mean by her slagging you off?

Sagradafamiliar · 01/01/2020 20:44

No. I have several children with several exes and I've never thought I've had any place in exes new relationships. Their lives don't interest me and likewise, I don't think I owe them anything in regards to my own life.

windycuntryside · 01/01/2020 20:44

There is no legal reason to meet his ex. You could however, it’s a step up from pretending you don’t exist. 8 months is nothing though, there is no rush.

Lllot5 · 01/01/2020 20:45

Well it’s only been 8 months so probably a bit soon to be meeting her anyway.
Whatever you do don’t go behind her back all that will do is create bad feeling between you.
Just wait and meet her in the park or coffee shop in about six months. No rush

Original poster
Shayne45 · 01/01/2020 20:46

I dont mind meeting her etc but I just wanted to know if It was a legal thing to do and making sure he doesn’t loose access if we decide not to
meet up
I don’t want to be looked at if im the evil monster etc

OP posts:
IdiotInDisguise · 01/01/2020 20:47

The hell I would meet with her if she is already slagging me off!

It is totally your choice but if she is already being nasty, it is better to stay on the sidelines and don’t get involved with her.

She cannot dictate what happens on his contact time, if he is scared enough of her to let her dictate how contact between the girl and yourself take place, you are up for a bad time: He has still not detached himself from the excessive control his ex has over him.

Bluerussian · 01/01/2020 20:47

I think it would be a good idea for you to meet, you are going to have some involvement with her daughter so it isn't unreasonable for her to know you a little bit.

As someone else suggested, meet for a coffee or something like that.

Soontobe60 · 01/01/2020 20:47

@MonstranceClock
You'd find it almost impossible to enforce that legally. That's very controlling of you.

Ellisandra · 01/01/2020 20:47

He doesn’t understand much about access if he couldn’t already tell you that.

MonstranceClock · 01/01/2020 20:47

There’s nothing legal, but she may withhold contact due to not wanting her kids to be spending time with a stranger.

Lllot5 · 01/01/2020 20:48

Well in that case don’t decide not to and you’ll be alright.
You really really don’t need the aggro.

IdiotInDisguise · 01/01/2020 20:48

This has nothing to do with legal stuff, he can introduce his DD to whom ever he wants, it is not her call.

MonstranceClock · 01/01/2020 20:49

@Soontobe60 never said anything about legality. I don’t care if it makes me controlling.

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