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Original poster

My boyfriends ex is insisting i met her and his child

123 replies

Shayne45 · 01/01/2020 20:33

I have met my lovely boyfriend been together 8 months and his ex and him have a lovely girl together shes 4 years old.
His ex insists that i meet her and their daughter together for the first time do I have to legally do this or can my boyfriend and I meet his daughter without her knowing
My boyfriend is worried that if we just meet his daughter and not her he thinks he will access
His ex is already slagging me off and i wont be a good person etc she’s very controlling and very manipulative what do I do?

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 01/01/2020 21:13

Don’t meet his child, until he has learned how to deal with her mother when she is being rude about you on the phone.

He doesn’t sound like he has the skills to set boundaries in the relationship with his ex yet, if he’s listening to that.

Until he has those, he’s not ready to let you meet his child.

elliejjtiny · 01/01/2020 21:14

It's not a legal thing but it would be a nice thing to do.

FenellaVelour · 01/01/2020 21:14

There’s nothing legal, but she may withhold contact due to not wanting her kids to be spending time with a stranger.

Unless you would have a good reason to withhold, as in evidence that the new partner was a potential safeguarding risk, you’d be setting yourself up for a rough time in court if you were to do this.

NeverTwerkNaked · 01/01/2020 21:14

It's a good idea to get on with the ex if you can. I feel so grateful Dh's ex insisted on us meeting early on. She's a good friend now and we all co parent well together. It makes it much much nicer for the children if you are able to do this.

bevelino · 01/01/2020 21:17

OP, how do you know the ex is slagging you off, is very controlling and manipulative? What is she saying and doing?

SummerPavillion · 01/01/2020 21:17

His ex is already slagging me off and i wont be a good person etc she’s very controlling and very manipulative what do I do?

I'd exit the entire situation if I was you. He'd have to be a god in human form to compensate for the inevitable drama you're in for. It's a shame as I'm sure you love him, but she's going to be in his life for the foreseeable. Life's hard enough imo.

Ellisandra · 01/01/2020 21:19

What’s he even doing on the phone to her long enough for her to get stuck into slagging you off?

I got divorced when my daughter was 4. Things were OK with XH, but we didn’t need to chit chat on the phone. Everything was done by text. This is what I mean by boundaries. He needs to set some, fast. I’m really sympathetic if he has to go through the pain of that, and it’s not easy, when it’s not his fault. He still needs to do it though. Why did his ex not know that her slagging you off, would result in the end of the call?

steakandmantoo · 01/01/2020 21:21

I don't see nothing wrong with her request? She wants to meet a woman that potentially her DD will be around a lot?! If you have a long term forever future with your partner, I think it's necessary for you to have at least met your future step Childs mom lol.

TheTrollFairy · 01/01/2020 21:22

It’s not legal but as a mum, I think I would want to meet any future partner that would be in my child’s life. Not in a sizing up kind of way but more of wanting to know this person who’ll have an influence over my child. It’s the same as wanting to meet her nursery teachers and when she goes to school wanting to meet her teachers

NameChangeNugget · 01/01/2020 21:24

She sounds like a right prick.

Don’t dance to her tune

sue51 · 01/01/2020 21:26

Not a legal requirement. If your dp and his ex have a good relationship and co parent well it might be a good thing to do. I wouldn’t rush it though.

Ellisandra · 01/01/2020 21:27

Gonna take a wild guess that he’s not over on Dadsnet researching how to deal with this.

mathanxiety · 01/01/2020 21:28

If your BF has been suggesting you meet his DD behind the mother's back, without giving her any sort of heads up, then you need to run a mile from him.

This is not the choice of a man who cares about his child, or a man who has any respect for himself.

If I were you I would suggest he and his ex do family mediation to figure out how to proceed respectfully as separated parents and so that they can establish a court ordered visitation schedule.

The mother of the child is not the problem here. Her suggestion of meeting you is very sensible and you should take her up on it, in a cafe or restaurant.

BumbleBeee69 · 01/01/2020 21:30

NO.. don't meet her.. and don't let her have any say in your relationship which is ultimately what this is about.. so say No OP... Flowers

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 01/01/2020 21:30

I don’t know.. I recently met my ex’s new partner. She’s known my son for a while, but now her and ex are living together she wanted to meet. It was a bit awkward but ok. If you’re serious about your bf and the relationship (and if you’re not don’t meet his dd) then what harm can half an hour in a coffee shop do?
Also.. Beware of any man who presents stories of a ‘crazy ex’ while spending minimal time with their dc and paying little or no maintenance. They’re all red flags.

IceBlock · 01/01/2020 21:30

Legally, no. Although my ex and his new gf had been together a similar length of time and I requested (politely) that I met her before the children did. I had no underlying reason other than meeting someone who was going to be involved with my children.

GabsAlot · 01/01/2020 21:30

I wouldnt -and i didnt meet dh ex-after she verbally abused me down the phone

why should anyone put up with that

mathanxiety · 01/01/2020 21:31

Is your BF a man who likes drama, or likes the idea of two women in his orbit fighting, with him in the middle orchestrating it all?

sugarisbitterintheend · 01/01/2020 21:32

Go on the step parent board and see how this is going to work out for you.
If your having this much issue already and you dp is acting all scared I'm guessing he doesn't have a contact order you best out of it. You dp is lovely now but it's early days and bringing you around so soon and you classing the child you haven't met as lovely is all reg flags.

Original poster
Shayne45 · 01/01/2020 21:35

That Im a whore a slag for coming into his life
Controls him and threatens him by not allowing to see her.
I am referred to as it. I will never be the girl’s mother
he only wants me rather than his own daughter.
The list goes on.

Yet she has a boyfriend and my boyfriend found out because he dropped his daughter off and didn’t even know his ex had a girlfriend and he wasn’t even introduced
Im trying to figure out what is best for everyone concerned.
Yes i do have a daughter too and she will be introduced soon.

OP posts:
Clangus00 · 01/01/2020 21:38

Does he have court ordered contact?
If so, she can’t withhold contact (for long) over this.
If not, he needs to get his arse in gear and get to a solicitor/ court ASAP.

Northernsoullover · 01/01/2020 21:39

Why on earth would people insist on meeting their exs new partner? Do you look them up and down and decide if they are good enough? Ask twenty questions? Employment history? What happens if you don't like them?

Tessabelle74 · 01/01/2020 21:39

Has your bf told you she's slagging you off? If so then alarm bells should be ringing as why he doesn't want you to meet her! As for going behind her back, that again sounds like he's trying to keep you apart. Grown ups would want to get to know each other, to have an amicable relationship, as it's to his daughters advantage for you all to get along.

doritosdip · 01/01/2020 21:40

Men who don't stop their exes from slagging off the current gf are a major red flag. Not stopping it will encourage her to do it even more - your wedding, new home, future kids...

WorraLiberty · 01/01/2020 21:42

Northernsoullover exactly.

I don't understand what happens when the parent doesn't like the look of them.

Do they ban them from meeting their child on that basis?

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