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Original poster

My boyfriends ex is insisting i met her and his child

123 replies

Shayne45 · 01/01/2020 20:33

I have met my lovely boyfriend been together 8 months and his ex and him have a lovely girl together shes 4 years old.
His ex insists that i meet her and their daughter together for the first time do I have to legally do this or can my boyfriend and I meet his daughter without her knowing
My boyfriend is worried that if we just meet his daughter and not her he thinks he will access
His ex is already slagging me off and i wont be a good person etc she’s very controlling and very manipulative what do I do?

OP posts:
TheFizzyTart · 01/01/2020 21:42

No you don't have to but if you see this relationship going the distance wouldn't it be nice to start on a good foot with the mother of his child? She is going to be in your life for very very long time and you will be co parenting when you have her DD

iforgotthatyouexisted · 01/01/2020 21:44

Christ, this all sounds like a load of drama. I'd steer clear.

bigfootfred · 01/01/2020 21:44

If you want to do what's best met her before you met the daughter as it's good to start on the right foot

I met DH ex and then we had our first trip out with DC that was after a year of dating.

Means I have no reasons to talk to her again which suits me as she's not pleasant Confused

sugarisbitterintheend · 01/01/2020 21:44

Op the fact your dp is not standing up for you and acting scared tell me you have a victim player.
There is a reason why she is so angry, and he doesn't have to say nasty stuff or shout to still of done something wrong.
He sounds very poor me, your his partner, he loves you but is letting an ex get away with stressing you out while you come on MN to work out how to sort it.
What's he doing?

Fr0g · 01/01/2020 21:49

doesn't sound unreasonable that the mother wants to meet someone her child is likely to be spending time with.
How do you know that she has been 'slagging you off'' if you haven't met? Meeting her face to face may be an improvement on only hearing things from the perspective of your partner/her ex.

Original poster
Shayne45 · 01/01/2020 21:51

think im going to have a long chat with my boyfriend all on this so many things need sorting out before meeting his daughter boundaries etc

OP posts:
Mydogmylife · 01/01/2020 21:55

Well, there's been many a thread on here with mothers saying they don't want their young children to meet exs new partners without them meeting them as well , and the general consensus is they are reasonable. Surely you are more likely to be labelled as the wicked step mother if you avoid a meeting , what harm can it do? Why don't you want a brief meeting to reassure the mother?

TiddlestheCat · 01/01/2020 21:55

I would go along with it tbh. If I was in her situation, I would want to meet any significant other who was spending time alone with my child. You could ask whether she would like to meet you alone for a coffee first. That might be easier for her than seeing you with her ex alongside their child.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 01/01/2020 21:59

She has no legal right to do this and it's a bit controlling (as much as I understand she wants to protect her DD).

Although I have to say OP it's refreshing to hear of someone waiting a decent amount of times before introducing their child to their partner. I see so many people meeting the kids after a week or two

WorraLiberty · 01/01/2020 22:00

I think a few people have missed the post where the OP has said the ex has called her a whore, a slag and 'it'.

Would you all happily meet someone like that and be pleasant to them?

Inliverpool1 · 01/01/2020 22:05

I was seeing someone who had a court order explicitly stating that the mother of his child did have to know who he was dating and she would have been able to request an enhanced DBS to be carried to determine my suitability.... fuck knows what that was about I didn’t hang around to find out but there may be something like that in place

BumbleBeee69 · 01/01/2020 22:06

OP.. she wants to control who he is in a relationship with.. she's being manipulative and controlling.. tell him the answer is No.. particularly as she is already ripping you up and every opportunity.. why the fuck would you meet her to allow her to abuse you to your face ?! because that is exactly what she will do... she has no right to say who he can and cannot allow his child to meet. Flowers

BrickTop999 · 01/01/2020 22:06

Ive been in two situations. A previous bf. His ex didnt “need” to meet me but I offered to say hi when we picked his little girl up. I was the one texting the childs mother to say we’d arrived at mine, updates on our day etc. It was a really really nice relationship and whilst Im not with the guy anymore, I still think fondly about the little girl and what a great mum she has.

Que current fella. Mother an absolute psycho lunatic. Controlling, demanding, abusive and just evil. I keep out of it. In a year only met kids 3 times and never overnight. Only introduced as daddys friend. I have no idea why she is like why she is. Poor kids

Cantdoleft · 01/01/2020 22:07

Don’t meet her. She has no say in how or when you meet the child. If a woman posted that she had a new boyfriend and her ex was insisting he meet them before the children the responses would be very different.

Also all the advice re court orders and her not being able to withhold contact assume she is being reasonable.

If she wants to she will just stop contact and there is NOTHING he can do about it because the courts won’t care and she can just ignore any order anyway and nothing will be done about it

Ellisandra · 01/01/2020 22:08

@WorraLiberty I think the most important part of the “whore” post, is that in the very same post @Shayne45 still says that her own daughter will be meeting this man soon.

@Shayne45 give your head a wobble!!!!

No, you do not introduce your daughter to a man who does not cut off his ex when she calls you a whore.

Step right away from this. If he has a golden dick, then sure - give him a chance to sort his shit out. But whilst he does that (and he hasn’t showed any signs of it so far, has he?) then he doesn’t meet your child and you don’t meet his.

PanicAndRun · 01/01/2020 22:15

A few things :

  1. Regardless of what you decide he needs to go to court to get proper contact sorted, otherwise he'll always be dancing to her tune regardless if she's reasonable or not. If he refuses you need to ask yourself why and what that means for your relationship and future.
  1. I would go and meet her once , just to put her mind at rest and get to see/know the woman of a child in who's life you might be for a while.
  1. Postpone meeting both children for a while longer, at least a few months more.
doritosdip · 01/01/2020 22:21

NorthernSoulLover - I don't get how a 20 minute meeting at a coffee shop will help establish whether or not new gf is "good enough". People are often on their best behaviour at first meetings and it's not like they are going to admit that they will be a nightmare at this meeting?

Personally I've not met ex's gf but my kids are pretty old and can tell me if anything goes wrong. I would be a lot more nervous if they were still non-verbal but they can phone me in an emergency and I can luckily trust their Dad to look after them.

Jamhandprints · 01/01/2020 22:22

It doesn't seem like you are thinking about the best interest of the child. More like what you can get away with.
At 4, she should be supported by her main carer (her mum) in everything. If you want to be in her life it'd be best for her to see you with her mum the first time. If you meet her another time she will tell her mum, mum will be annoyed and it will sow distrust of you.

BumbleBeee69 · 01/01/2020 22:26

let's be honest.. we all know this isn't really anything to do with the 'best interests' of the Child...

OP DP's Ex is trying controlling him.. because he has moved on and she is seriously fucked off... just look at her verbal abuse of OP already... speaks volumes... Flowers

Original poster
Shayne45 · 01/01/2020 22:31

Ive actually thought about my boyfriends child in all this. Im only in discussion at this momemt with my boyfriend and on a lot of stuff in our relationship.
Its his ex has been the one that i should have met the girl sooner. Demanding and controlling it. ive not been ready to also its when my boyfriend and I agree to. Not down to her I come on here for advice on what to do because i do care about this little girl very much.

OP posts:
Mayorquimby2 · 01/01/2020 22:36

"And how would meeting up for a coffee change that unless you think caffeine makes people blurt out all their past crimes and misdemeanors?"

They'd obviously out themselves as a nonce in no time or a smack addict

  • I hope you don't think you're going to be my child's mother
  • God no. I was going to molest them and shoot up after.
BumbleBeee69 · 01/01/2020 22:40

Op you sound pretty sensitive to the situation for all concerned.. follow your gut .. your instincts .. Flowers

WorraLiberty · 01/01/2020 22:41

Mayorquimby2 Grin Grin

Honeyroar · 01/01/2020 22:44

It sounds like she’s only doing it to be awkward and controlling, she didn’t think about your boyfriend needing to meet her new boyfriend, did she!

As for people saying the bf is weak, perhaps he’s just scared. My husband was like that, terrified of losing contact with his child (because that’s what his ex kept threatening and he didn’t have the money to fight her rich family’s lawyers). He also didn’t shout back at her because he’s a gentle soul and no match for her tongue. And it was her that had an affair, left him and married the om. She just wanted their child to be her property and not to have to bother with her ex, the child’s father. She hated me initially because I helped my husband stand up for himself. Over a decade later we all get on ok, believe it or not.

I never met my husband’s ex before I met his son. I’d have thought about it If he’d asked me. In your shoes I’d perhaps give her one chance, but I’d walk out if she was aggressive or abusive, saying I’m not doing this in front of a child. Plus you’d always be able to say you had tried and have the moral upper hand. But it’s never going to be easy!

selfcare11 · 01/01/2020 22:45

Are you asking because there is already a court order in place? If so you absolutely do not have to meet her. It would be better that everyone gets on but if she's already slagging you off I would stay well clear of any meeting. I don't think 8 months is too soon at all to meet you DPs daughter dependent on how much time you have spent together. Does she have a partner? Is your DP going to grill whoever she meets if she's not already? A lot of people seem to think that a child is their sole property...if she had a child with this man then she trusted him enough to do that so should trust his judgement. I wouldn't dream of forcing my ex's partner to meet our children with me present for the first time, very controlling. If you have worries about your exes judgement to that extent I'd not be letting them be with him at all.

If you are willing to meet her then great, but make sure you don't bow to any more demands in the future if this is how she is. Asking is fine, demanding is not and neither is slagging off their Dad's partner - hardly good for the child.

If he doesn't have a court order already then he needs to get one.