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Original poster

My boyfriends ex is insisting i met her and his child

123 replies

Shayne45 · 01/01/2020 20:33

I have met my lovely boyfriend been together 8 months and his ex and him have a lovely girl together shes 4 years old.
His ex insists that i meet her and their daughter together for the first time do I have to legally do this or can my boyfriend and I meet his daughter without her knowing
My boyfriend is worried that if we just meet his daughter and not her he thinks he will access
His ex is already slagging me off and i wont be a good person etc she’s very controlling and very manipulative what do I do?

OP posts:
katielilly · 01/01/2020 20:49

If you've not met her how do you know she's controlling, manipulative and slagging you off? Who has told you this?

slipperywhensparticus · 01/01/2020 20:50

Itsnot a legal requirement but how serious are you about him? He might have been feeding her story's and she might be trying to see if it's the truth or not

Anecdotally, my ex told me his fiancee lost her kids to children's services tried to stab him and is an alcoholic he is now pissed as hell because I dont want her around our kids strangely he was telling the truth about her 🤷‍♀️

HotChocWithCream · 01/01/2020 20:52

My OH's ex-wife tried to arrange to meet me (via messages to him). However I refused.

I won't go into details but she has years of form for outrageous/dramatic/controlling behaviour and I wasn't allowing myself to be dragged into one of her numerous "dramas".

I met OH well after their marriage had ended. I had nothing to do with their split. However she found me on social media and sent me abusive messages (which resulted in me blocking her - I never replied).

Years on and I've successfully managed to actively avoid her. It does help that we live in completely different areas.

However if she was a reasonably well balanced person who simply wished to meet me as I'd be spending time with her child I wouldn't have had any issue with it.

doritosdip · 01/01/2020 20:52

It's not unreasonable for her to want to meet you but it's also not unreasonable for you not to want to meet her. Long term it is better to have met because if you don't then family occasions or school events become more awkward. You don't have to meet her regularly but it's more convenient if you have met once before iyswim

It's very unreasonable to insist that she's there when you meet his dd for the first time. It's very antagonistic not to tell your ex before joint child meets new partner.

If he thinks that she'll withhold contact then he really should get a CAO so she can't do that sort of thing.

Youseethethingis · 01/01/2020 20:53

I met DHs ex at the same time as DSD. She wasn’t pleased as she felt that 2 years wasn’t a stable enough relationship. Hmm
She wanted to vet me and give me a lecture on all the things I wasn’t allowed to do for DSD then aged 4 such as:

  • wipe her bum
  • bath her
  • co sleep
  • discipline
  • etc and so forth
I thought she was a bit cheeky for assuming I would actually want to do any of these things for her DD to be honest... Whatever, we met, killed each other with kindness, each said our piece re. “You’re not her mum / I have no intention of doing any mum work” and have had a slightly awkward but generally friendly understanding ever since. It was 15 minutes of my life and it made her feel better. But she still had no right to block things the way she did, that was just DH not wanting to upset her. I’d meet her once, get it out of the way, and then you never need to see her again but if your paths should cross you’ve already got this bit out of the way.
Tombliwho · 01/01/2020 20:53

Of course it's not a legal requirement. I would do it though. Its positive for the child and that should be the priority.

Elieza · 01/01/2020 20:53

Has this come around as she knows you are intending on meeting his child with him at some point soon, at home, swingpark, wherever and wants to make sure you are ok?

If you are not wanting to meet her for another few months (some people wait a year, some longer, to make sure they are really settled before introducing the new partner to their child) then no need to meet the child’s mother right now.

It is a perfectly reasonable request from her though if she wants to make sure you are an ok person. Has she got a partner? Did your bf the child’s father meet that guy to be vetted? What’s sauce for the goose.

If you can’t do this for her then perhaps your partner is not the one for you. There will be other times you will have to get along with her so you may wish to bale now.

What you don’t want is to play a future part in the child’s life before you are sure about the difficulties in the relationship with the child’s mother and walk away once you understand, leaving the child upset.

Be sure he’s the one for you before meeting her. She needs security.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/01/2020 20:53

He’s an equal parent and he gets to decide what he does on his time with his daughter and who they see, as she does during her time.

It’s not a reasonable request and if she’s already being nasty about you it would be a big mistake to start pandering now.

While it’s important to make sure your relationship feels serious before meeting a partner’s child, it’s also worth doing so before you commit too heavily as how he is as a dad is a huge part of who he is and you need to feel happy and comfortable with that big part of his life. Step parenting isn’t for everyone, it’s particularly rough with an antagonistic ex, so go into this with your eyes open and if you feel unhappy then call time and end it.

coldwarenigma · 01/01/2020 20:54

Monstrance Presumably you would introduce anyone to your ex before they meet your kids too?

carly2803 · 01/01/2020 20:54

I would go, in a public place.

I personally would not want my kids meeting a "stranger", and spending a ton of time with them when i had not met them.

Thats just my view, but that works both ways. Once she meets someone else then your partner should ask for the same consideration!

Dollymixture22 · 01/01/2020 20:55

Surely your boyfriend knows the conditions of his custody arrangements?

This is an odd question to post.

MonstranceClock · 01/01/2020 20:57

@coldwarenigma it’s not something I have to worry about but yes i would. Every parent has a right to know who their kids are going to sleeping under the same roof with.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/01/2020 20:57

If you can’t do this for her then perhaps your partner is not the one for you.

I have no idea what this means. OP owes her boyfriend’s ex nothing and she’d be a fool to spend time with a woman who is slagging about her based on literally nothing. She doesn’t have anything to gain and potentially plenty to lose. So what if the ex doesn’t like her? She’s dating her boyfriend and will get to know his daughter when he’s ready. It’s up to him.

AllInTheBestPossibleTaste · 01/01/2020 20:59

@monsterclock she would be with her dad. I'm sure he's capable of making that judgment call, and mum really doesn't have a say. If she were to withhold access she's would only be punishing her dd (and make herself not look very good)

coldwarenigma · 01/01/2020 20:59

Monstrance Fair enough....

PG2018 · 01/01/2020 21:01

Don't don't agree to this, DP ex did the same and it was just the start of an ongoing list of controlling behaviour.

Ellisandra · 01/01/2020 21:02

We don’t know it’s based on nothing though.
OP hasn’t detailed it.
I know a woman who slagged off the new girlfriend, as she was demanding and stopped the father seeing his child as often.
Turned out, the father was saying “yeah but it’s only fair I get to have time for my new girlfriend, and I’m getting it in the neck a bit...” but he was actually spending the extra time out with his mates.

There are some nasty ex girlfriends out there.
But there are also some men who like the fun of playing women off against each other.

Who knows what’s going on here?

LemonPrism · 01/01/2020 21:02

I'd want to meet anyone who was going to be spending time with my 4 year old DD tbh. She's very young and for all she knows you could be a drug user, a nonce... anything.

NewMumBGentle · 01/01/2020 21:04

This is what me and my ex did when his current girlfriend met our son. Luckily for us it worked out really well and me, my son, my ex and his girlfriend all get on really nicely and we take him out for dinner, all of us together every month or so.

So It can work, but obviously your case might be different.

WorraLiberty · 01/01/2020 21:06

I'd want to meet anyone who was going to be spending time with my 4 year old DD tbh. She's very young and for all she knows you could be a drug user, a nonce...anything.

And how would meeting up for a coffee change that unless you think caffeine makes people blurt out all their past crimes and misdemeanors?

Ellisandra · 01/01/2020 21:09

This has just got big red flags all over it, because your answer to it is to meet the girl without telling the mother.

It’s perfectly valid for him to say to her, “You have to trust my judgement, I will make the decision and introduce her when I think it’s appropriate - that will not include you”.

If he can’t do that - he has no business introducing any new girlfriend to his daughter.

He may be in an awful position, with a genuinely manipulative and controlling ex, who might dick about with access. That certainly happens. That’s shit for him if so. But before he drags another woman and his child into that, he needs to get whatever support he needs (counselling, legal advice, self help books on grey rock technique, getting a formal CAO in place first if that’s a risk) all BEFORE he introduces you.

Original poster
Shayne45 · 01/01/2020 21:10

Im not the controlling one far from it as been suggested here.
Ive actually heard her on the phone been nasty and abusive about me while Ive been in the same room and ive said nothing to her and I dont interfer when it is daughters and him time together. I stay out of it.
They just have an arrangement between them,
i only want to do the best because my boyfriend and i have been discussing it

OP posts:
81Byerley · 01/01/2020 21:11

I think it's entirely understandable that she should want to be there the first time her child meets you. Please don't do it behind her back. The little girl will tell her anyway, and it will cause trouble. I wanted to be there when my young teenagers met the other woman, to show them that I was ok with the situation (I wasn't), because I wanted to cause as little upset to them as possible. I was devastated when he went behind my back and took them to meet her, especially as she virtually ignored them and was all over my husband in front of them. They never developed a good relationship with her. I think they might have done, had it all been handled with a little thought for them.
Somebody said they thought the mother was trying to control you and the situation. I don't agree, I think she wants to do what's best for her child instead of putting the adults interests first.

iforgotthatyouexisted · 01/01/2020 21:12

I actually think it's a really nice idea. You don't have to do it but I can imagine the anxiety of your child spending time with someone you don't know must be horrible. That's a lot of trust to place in someone.

If done well it might also help you build a relationship with the child if she can see that mummy knows you and is ok about you seeing her.

Obviously all of this depends on everyone else involved being decent and reasonable people.

Berrylove · 01/01/2020 21:13

It’s nothing legally so don’t worry about it affecting access, I assume as a mother she’s sussing out who’s going to be hanging around her child.