Sent him packing on NYE

[mildlymiffed]

Last night dp and I were meant to be going to a NYE party round at my friends. We've been together 15 months or so. He arrived at my flat about an hour before I got home from work.

I've been having general issues with him about drink, unemployment and low mood over the past 3 months or so.

Came to a head last night. Called him when I arrived back from work to ask for hand with shopping. On way in, he fell down the bottom stairs as he was pissed. I was fuming. I think (as do family members) that he has alcohol issues, and to be drunk well before a NYE party takes the biscuit. I couldn't have taken him to my friend's party. A 47 yo slurring, wobbling boyfriend is frankly embarrassing.

We had a barny. I told him to go home (a train ride away). He said he'd just stay in my spare room. I said no. He did go eventually. I went to NYE party on my own.

Tbh, this is the straw that broke the camel's back. Think this is over. Not sure how I feel today.

Gosh OP, sounds like a horrible experience for you. I'm sure you're feeling shocked and all over the place. You say you have had concerns about his drinking and other things for a while, and you feel the relationship is over. Sounds like you have made a very positive choice and decided to put yourself first. Well done. Sounds like you have saved yourself months or even years of heartache. I'm sure the next few days and weeks will be tough at times but hang in there

Only you can say if your relationship is over, but from past experience, being in a relationship with a heavy drinker/ suspected alcoholic is incredibly difficult.

If this is the straw that broke the camels back there have clearly been other issues and it would depend on how much more emotional energy you are willing to put into the relationship.

Well done, new year, new start.

Definitely a concern turning up very drunk before even setting off to a party. Best wishes for you in the new year op!

If he has a key to your home remember ti change the lock

I think you did the right thing. It sounds like he does have issues with alcohol. That’s for him to sort out.

Time to move on and free yourself to meet someone who deserves you

Sounds like you're well out of it. He's a mature man who doesn't behave like one.

2020 beckons, hope things improve for you and maybe you'll meet someone else who works and isn't a drinker.

Shewhomustgowithoutname Wed 01-Jan-20 08:24:00
If he has a key to your home remember ti change the lock
.....
Yes!

Sounds like you made the right choice op, look upon 2020 as a fresh new start for yourself

I also once dumped a 47 year old because of his alcoholism. Never got any closure because he was never sober enough for a reasonable conversation. Dumping him was one of the best things I ever did. OP, try to find things to keep you busy and make you happy, since even a rubbish relationship leaves a void. You were right to turf him out. Happy New Year, hope it’s a good one.

In a moment of amazing clarity I made him hand over his key before he walked out. Helps that I'm moving house in 10 days time, as I was able to say I needed the keys back without seeming confrontational.

Never having a day without a drink, always having 'train drinks', not being able to stop drinking, me hiding bottles of half open wine, having to put him to bed on numerous occasions... I've had enough. I have a 9yo ds and he has an 8yo ds. I'm doing this for my child. Just makes me sad who is going to look out for his ds now. (Neither of us had our boys last night).

But I need to accept I can't change him.

When he's sober he's great. But I can't have a life like this.

Just feels hideous to have happened on NYE.

I had to get rid of one of those once. Unfortunately not before he was violent towards me.

Well done, new year, new start.

Yes.

And yes... filling the void. This will be hard- we did speak a lot. But I need to be strong. Too tired for a run, but a walk will do me the world of good. DS is back later. He's a fab void filler!

It's a new year. Time to move forward. Life will only get harder if you stay with him. He needs to recognize he needs help with his drinking. Him feeling low is probably a consequence of drinking too much as alcohol is a depressant. This doesn't mean you should give up your life to help him.

well done, New Year, new start - hope the house move goes well.

Happy new year! Good way to start it without your drunk ex. You made the right decision.

Only you can decide but I strongly recommend that you move on without him, I have experience of this as I'm married to one and it is hideous.

You did the right thing. You would be crazy to accept his alcoholism into your home, and letting it affect your child's life.

'I'm doing this for my child'

And for yourself OP. You deserve better than that behaviour too

What a fantastic gift to give yourself and your son for the new year, being rid of this loser!

@Lottapianos you're right. I know that deep down. I've got 'fixing' tendencies, and god, I've tried over the last few months to fix! But even I have my limits. Endless job ideas, advice on moderating drinking. I'm becoming a terrible bore as a result... and that's not fun for either of us. It isn't a role I want. I want to be the loving equal partner.

I know I've done the right thing. But am worried about loneliness. He was the first man after my exH who I clicked with. I felt so lucky... but honeymoon period came an end quite quickly, and his issues are too big for me to deal with.

when hes sober...

Is he ever really sober or just less drunk?
You sound well rid

"But I need to accept I can't change him."
This is the most important thing. Not accepting it is what causes people to 'hang on in there' - and maybe you hung in there far too long already ( "honeymoon period came an end quite quickly" ). But you know this and you're fixing it now!

And don't be worried about loneliness. Your partner, through his drunkenness, wasn't really 'there' in the relationship. His primary relationship was always with alcohol and not you. You've probably been feeling increasingly lonely within this relationship, but now you're no longer tied to that loneliness. New year, new start.

But am worried about loneliness

I used to worry about that too, but now I love having my own space and not having an allegedly-adult cuckoo on my sofa hogging the telly all weekend every weekend whilst I tried to run my house around him.

I did the same in very similar circumstances last night.

New year new you!

That does sound pretty dependent
Good decision op

You are lucky that when he fell down the stairs he didn't piss himself and shit himself, because that's what many alcoholics do, you are then faced with the dilemma of leaving the stink and mess for them to clear up (whenever that might be) or getting down on your hands and knees to clear up after them.

Probably the first thing you will notice is the lack of tension in your body, living with an alcoholic is extremely stressful, you have a Young child, he will notice the difference in the atmosphere too.

Good luck with the move, concentrate on that and your new life. Who knows what opportunities 2020 will bring you.