Sent him packing on NYE

[mildlymiffed]

Last night dp and I were meant to be going to a NYE party round at my friends. We've been together 15 months or so. He arrived at my flat about an hour before I got home from work.

I've been having general issues with him about drink, unemployment and low mood over the past 3 months or so.

Came to a head last night. Called him when I arrived back from work to ask for hand with shopping. On way in, he fell down the bottom stairs as he was pissed. I was fuming. I think (as do family members) that he has alcohol issues, and to be drunk well before a NYE party takes the biscuit. I couldn't have taken him to my friend's party. A 47 yo slurring, wobbling boyfriend is frankly embarrassing.

We had a barny. I told him to go home (a train ride away). He said he'd just stay in my spare room. I said no. He did go eventually. I went to NYE party on my own.

Tbh, this is the straw that broke the camel's back. Think this is over. Not sure how I feel today.

@DivGirl taking some solace that in a parallel universe you're going through the same. Sorry if that sounds morbid. Not that I want anyone else to be miserable. He's got loads of stuff here. Gah. I tried to give him his keys back as well when he left, which he childishly chucked on the floor. In that moment it was like watching an overgrown toddler wobbly toddle off.

I even offered him a lift to the station which he declined. Ho hum. Going to have a bacon sandwich and contemplate a run...

But am worried about loneliness

Living with an alcoholic is a far lonelier place, please believe me.

Happy New Year OP, you did the right thing for you and your dc.

@viques true. One night I did have to- at his request- guide him to the toilet in the middle of the night when we were staying at a friends house when we went for a party a few months back... as he was too drunk to remember where it was.

I did oblige a) because I'm nice b) because I would have had to have shared a piss covered bed for the rest of the night and c) because our friends have a lovely home and it would have not been fair on them...

God- I really have done the right thing. He's not a catch.

Good for you OP.

I’m sorry, OP. My sister went through the same - lovely guy, first potential ‘keeper’ after splitting with father of her kids, but his drinking got progressively more out of hand. The Christmas he was cooking and was too wasted to slice the turkey - he’d been at the pub for ‘one’ while the meat rested, during which time it went stone cold - sticks in my mind as my nieces clearly knew something was off, as young as they were.

He is now married to someone else with similar drinking patterns and no kids. Meanwhile, my sister has met other good matches since.

You really dont need this man in your life anymore OP. Taking someone to the toilet in the night is what you do for a child, not your adult partner

I'm guessing hes not been in touch since last night....

It took me16 years to realise I couldn't fix it. You really have done the right thing. It's exhausting living with an alcoholic. All the best for 2020.

You mentioned unemployment issues. Does he work, has he worked in the 15 months you've been together. If not, don't waste time on a man who doesn't work. Well done on telling him to go.

@Lottapianos no contact other than a text to say he'd got back (which I'd requested). Waiting to see what his family will say. I really liked them...

He will undoubtedly turn this around to be my fault. Funnily enough, nothing seems to be his fault- his divorce, his joblessness etc.

You’ve been with him for two minutes. He sounds like a complete loser. It’s no brainer. Better to be lonely at times than with an alcoholic. Once you’ve moved start some new social activities. You’ll soon meet someone. Better still function on your own for a while. You are not in any way lucky to click with someone like this. You can’t save him.

NYE is the perfect time to get rid of baggage ready for a fresh start.

I’ve seen a couple of friends move on from heavy drinking/alcoholic husbands and their lives are now immeasurably better.

Here’s to a great 2020 for you!

@bananalanacake 3 jobs in that time. All have come to an abrupt end after a matter of weeks. Mid/senior management roles. He's a clever guy, struggles with being managed though and I get the impression quite idle.

Could you get help from a friend or family member to drop his keys and stuff at his? Maybe text a date telling him when you’ll be doing it then block his number if you think he’ll try and blame you/start arguing/pity texting?

Good for you for picking the self worth of you and your child over a drinker-sadly you’ll never be number one to him so well done for starting the year looking out for yourself

Try not to think of it as a void. Think of it as making room in your life for something better. Easy for me to say I know.

This resonates with me too OP.

I thought I had found an amazing partner but when things started to cool to normal I saw this sort of behaviour. I realised he had a drink problem. He turned up at mine uninvited one evening when we had only seen each other a dozen times. He was pissed and I let him stay because I was afraid he would kill someone drink driving. He went on his way the next day and I ended it by text. I wasn't as invested as you but it made me look a lot closer a lot earlier on at the next one.

New year, new decade, new future.

Definantly sounds like a drink problem, and not keeping jobs is a bit of a red flag for me. In this ah and age, you don’t leave a job voluntarily unless you have a new one lined up, and you don’t change frequently either.

Can you join a local running club to meet people and socialise? Or try a new sport - tennis, netball etc?

He's just rung. I did answer. I got the "is this it then"... to which I answered yes. I reiterated that he has a drink problem which he needs to fix for himself. That was the extent of it. Gah. Bacon sandwich eaten. I'm going for a run. I'm too old for this shit.

Sending some love and support. You can’t change a drunkard, though you can waste your life trying - please don’t!
Hope this is the positive start to a happy year for you.

I had one of these too.
I ditched him.
they'll only pull you down with them.
they are sent here on this planet to find partners who they can pull into their whirlwind of chaos.
I would bin him and leave him to the bottle.
its all he's good for at the moment.

Huge well done for standing firm x

It might be the wake up call he needs. I'm in a few non drinking support groups and there are a lot of men and women who have lost a relationship, be it with a partner or family member who sort their shit out as a result of it. The successful ones do it for themselves though. Not in a vain hope of winning a person back.
You might have done him a favour.

If not you still did yourself a massive favour. Well done!

I'm too old for this shit. Is one of my favourite sayings, it's from a film but I don't know which one. My DP is TT, I was so happy when I found out, I CBA to deal with drunk men.

@Northernsoullover let's hope so, for him and his ds. Inside somewhere is actually a good man. He's got lost- but I can't invest anymore time trying to help him find his way out. I've tried without thanks for months. I don't want it to be years. Someone here said it was "two minutes"... well, it's felt longer as I've over invested (silly, silly me). As pp have said, I have a new house a'coming, a lovely DS and a good job. I'm not going to let his illness kill me too...

So now it's down to him. I just hope he's got the wherewithal to make the change and seek help.

I know it feels odd, but it’s so much better that you have done this now, before your child gets more invested. You definitely deserve a sober solvent partner.