Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sent him packing on NYE

110 replies

mildlymiffed · 01/01/2020 08:15

Last night dp and I were meant to be going to a NYE party round at my friends. We've been together 15 months or so. He arrived at my flat about an hour before I got home from work.

I've been having general issues with him about drink, unemployment and low mood over the past 3 months or so.

Came to a head last night. Called him when I arrived back from work to ask for hand with shopping. On way in, he fell down the bottom stairs as he was pissed. I was fuming. I think (as do family members) that he has alcohol issues, and to be drunk well before a NYE party takes the biscuit. I couldn't have taken him to my friend's party. A 47 yo slurring, wobbling boyfriend is frankly embarrassing.

We had a barny. I told him to go home (a train ride away). He said he'd just stay in my spare room. I said no. He did go eventually. I went to NYE party on my own.

Tbh, this is the straw that broke the camel's back. Think this is over. Not sure how I feel today.

OP posts:
Original poster
mildlymiffed · 03/01/2020 22:30

Decided now to stop taking the calls. We spoke tonight and he obviously thinks we're just having a tiff. He keeps on asking when he can see me. Then told me that I need to help him by being with him...

... it's too hard. My heart feels wrenched, like I'm abandoning him.

I reiterated that it's over, and that I can't be with him because of his issues, and the fact that he doesn't take responsibility for himself.

I know I've done the right thing in my head. But jeez, this is hard. Feeling sick to my stomach. I know you've all given amazing advice. I keep re-reading it.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 03/01/2020 22:41

OP, well done for moving on.

Life, minding an alcoholic is a miserable one.

I'm afraid you can't be his friend.

You are his ex now.

He is no longer your problem.

You will not have any peace.

You need time and space to move on.

The quicker the better.

You have been kind to him for too long.

Time to look after yourself.

💐

foofooyeah · 03/01/2020 22:45

I think you re right to stop taking the calls.
You don’t need to help him .... he needs to help himself.
I would seriously think about blocking his number as I can imagine drunk calls / texts.

I know it’s easy for someone else to say this and much harder for you. But you have taken that first important step.

PerkyPomPoms · 03/01/2020 22:47

Pack up his things and drop them off then make a clean break.

FruitcakeOfHate · 03/01/2020 22:55

Block him. PLEASE stop dating until you do some serious work on your self esteem and the Freedom programme. You cannot risk your child's well-being for a guy or a relationship. He's an alcoholic, this is the cause of all his issues. He will never own this. You need to DUMP anyone who shows you they have a problem with drink, at the first instance, no chances or benefit of the doubt or any of that.

Hidingtonothing · 03/01/2020 23:09

It feels awful (especially if you're soft like me and, I suspect, you OP) but the only way is total NC. Anything less allows him a tiny 'in' which he will exploit shamelessly until he has, to some extent at least, made you responsible for him again.

He won't take responsibility for himself until there is literally no one to do it for him so you will only be slowing that process down if you go back, even as a 'friend'. Believe it or not NC is the best way for both of you, even if he can't see it. Be strong OP, we're here to help you if you wobble Flowers

Original poster
mildlymiffed · 03/01/2020 23:15

@fruitcakeofhate believe you me- I'm not really interested in getting back on the dating scene anytime soon! Find the thought quite repellant. Funny you say about self-esteem, I would never have put myself in the box and generally am very confident and outgoing.

But I can see that at first, what seemed like a nice, funny guy (who liked a drink) didn't seem such an issue and was appealing to me- having had quite a long and loveless marriage!

It is just as time has gone by, the job issues and the drink have become more apparent- as I said before it is the cumulative impact of it all. I probably should have bailed earlier, but suppose I was hoping it could change. I know that I'm doing the right thing now. For me and my son.... Doesn't make it unemotional though.

OP posts:
Original poster
mildlymiffed · 03/01/2020 23:18

@Hidingtonothing that's it! You're right, I am a little soft!! Typically see the best in people (maybe a bit of a mug!) I am shutting the 'ins' from this point forward. Thanks for having my back, little wobble, but think I've righted myself (for now).

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 03/01/2020 23:32

It won't be the last wobble either, but you know where to come next time Smile You're doing great, I know it's not easy (mine sent me suicide threats in the post for weeks) but the alternative is life with an alcoholic and that would be a million times harder Flowers

Zaphodsotherhead · 04/01/2020 10:12

Could you ever really be with a man who 'needs you to help him'? Where was he when you needed him to help YOU (Ok, only with shopping, but still...) He was pissed. So, he would want your help, but not reciprocate. He'd keep you hanging on, 'helping' him, whilst he pissed away your money, his money, any money you put aside for your DC...

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/01/2020 12:29

"He keeps on asking when he can see me. Then told me that I need to help him by being with him..."
Well, that's not manipulative at all! Yup, best to block his calls completely. Just keep coming back here when you wobble - wobbling is normal for nice people like you.

Original poster
mildlymiffed · 06/01/2020 09:08

New week, new year, new me... but the void feels particularly big today. Dropped ds at holiday club- he has another couple of days- need to get to work to get busy. I miss the bloke. I don't miss the shit obviously (and keep telling myself that), but he has left a hole.

Trying to tell myself that the hole even smells a bit like stale booze...

Writing it here so that I put it down somewhere, and to try and compose myself a bit before the day.

OP posts:
insanepizza · 06/01/2020 09:15

Oh no poor you.

Time to fill that hole. Anything you've always wanted to do/read/learn but not for round to? Something to start the new year with.

ohwheniknow · 06/01/2020 09:20

Well done for plugging away.

Just as an observation, self confidence and self esteem are totally different things. You can be confident but still have negative self esteem.

Your self esteem was what led to you calling yourself a bitch and cruel for protecting yourself.

Sharing in case it helps (even if only as a distraction!):

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Self-Esteem

Oilyoilyoilgob · 06/01/2020 09:26

You will miss him-you sound like a caring and compassionate person so it’d be hard to cut those feelings dead.
Tell yourself it’s ok to miss his company, but remember you’ve protected yourself and your child from future years of drama and pain. You’d have never won over the booze and may have ended up nursing him after falls or having to take him to toilet (fine if someone needed it, not fine if it’s because he’s pissed!)

You should be giving yourself a big pat on the back and just look after yourself, these weeks might not be easy now but in time they’ll get easier. Compare that to the opposite sliding scale of being with him, bearable now but they’d just get harder and harder.

Sounds cheesy but find a night class where you have to do homework, read the books you’ve always wanted to, go for an after work run then cook a good dinner and enjoy tv-focus on you 💪🏻

HighlyUnlikely · 06/01/2020 10:40

OP, I had one of these and it took a long time to extricate myself, but I’m so glad I did. It got to the point when I couldn’t even trust him to be in the house by himself in case he left something cooking whilst he bumbled around in a drunken stupor before falling asleep.

You’re certainly not the bad guy here, you may have even done him a favour, if by some chance he realises he needs to sort himself out in order to have a relationship with someone. If you do speak to him again, be brutally honest about his drinking and how it affected you and your son. Though I would advise blocking and getting on with your life without this millstone around your neck.

Life is really too bloody short for this kind of shit.

Hidingtonothing · 06/01/2020 12:38

Totally normal and understandable feelings OP, not nice but definitely temporary. Stick it out now and it will soon be over, going back just means restarting the whole process all over again because you will end up back here, you know you will.

Agree completely with filling the hole, how you do it is individual but I would be doing lots of reading around building self esteem and maybe the Freedom Programme online? £12 well spent in my experience Smile You can do this though, you have to really or he will take you down with him and you're worth more than that Flowers

comingintomyown · 06/01/2020 13:00

He’s not your responsibility. My XH was an alcoholic and when I look back I just shudder at what went on. Don’t budge on this.

Original poster
mildlymiffed · 06/01/2020 13:15

Okay- going to get started on self esteem. Joined the gym near my work and they do lunchtime classes. I run a fair bit, but this will help with physical strengthening. Any other recommendations for stuff to read would be appreciated.

It's funny- I've never questioned my self-esteem. Always thought I was okay. But you're right, I've had a shit marriage followed by a damaging relationship. Time to work on my sense of self and worth. Thank you all. I do feel more chipper reading the responses.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 06/01/2020 17:31

I've had a shit marriage followed by a damaging relationship

Definitely the Freedom Programme then, teaches you loads about how to recognise and avoid unhealthy relationships and make good choices in the future, everyone should do it imo Smile

What else you do depends on what you enjoy really, I would probably look for book clubs or a choir to join or maybe a yoga class if it was me but those things might bore you rigid Grin I think it's about filling your time until the withdrawal symptoms/old habits fade and the temptation to go back is easier to resist, and also finding stuff that makes you happy and gives you a bit of comfort because it doesn't make splitting up any less painful even when it's your decision Flowers

FourDecades · 06/01/2020 17:56

You say you miss him....but do you really miss him or having something to occupy that time?

I think once you find other enjoyable things to do, he won't even enter your mind.

Get rid of his stuff ASAP so you don't have any reason to be in contact.

Original poster
mildlymiffed · 06/01/2020 22:23

Just has a message from him threatening to come by on Wednesday evening. Which is my night without ds. This is all bluster and he won't, but it's a bit much given that I told him I didn't want to see him. He doesn't have keys anymore so luckily can't let himself in.

OP posts:
Throckmorton · 06/01/2020 22:32

Hugs - he's showing what a dick he is now. Ignore him, and maybe be out on Wednesday (and certainly don't answer the door to him if he does come round!)

candycane222 · 06/01/2020 22:34

Gah. Can you you block him? Otherwise I think you have to tell him you can't be friends after all, as you refuse to take any responsibility for him.

I know it's hard, but I found out the hard way that you can't help the other person, you will only make life crap for yourself whilst you are still enmeshed in their 'stuff' and absolutely not helping them.

FourDecades · 06/01/2020 22:34

Have you packed his item's yet? If so have them ready on Wednesday and he can take them with him

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.