Sent him packing on NYE

[mildlymiffed]

Last night dp and I were meant to be going to a NYE party round at my friends. We've been together 15 months or so. He arrived at my flat about an hour before I got home from work.

I've been having general issues with him about drink, unemployment and low mood over the past 3 months or so.

Came to a head last night. Called him when I arrived back from work to ask for hand with shopping. On way in, he fell down the bottom stairs as he was pissed. I was fuming. I think (as do family members) that he has alcohol issues, and to be drunk well before a NYE party takes the biscuit. I couldn't have taken him to my friend's party. A 47 yo slurring, wobbling boyfriend is frankly embarrassing.

We had a barny. I told him to go home (a train ride away). He said he'd just stay in my spare room. I said no. He did go eventually. I went to NYE party on my own.

Tbh, this is the straw that broke the camel's back. Think this is over. Not sure how I feel today.

@Bananalanacake it's lethal weapon!!!

I'm sorry this happened on NYE. But with this sort of thing the sooner the better.

OP you have 100% done the right thing.

An uncle of mine was an alcoholic and I saw the damage it did, even though my aunt left him after 10 years.

Well done OP. You have your dignity and self respect, something he would have gradually eroded over time. You sound like a sensible level headed person. Good luck with your house move and new future. I’ve been there and you will feel lonely sometimes but you are in control of your life now. You have a fresh new start. You will make the right choices and have a much better life now.

Well done OP, you did the right thing, can you imagine putting up with this for the rest of your life? You deserve better.

@mildlymiffed absolutely for him and his DS. This sounds harsh but you are well rid. I have every sympathy for those with addictions but its something the person has to address themselves.

Can I have a little nighttime handhold. He rang again. Said he wanted to see me at the weekend. I said no. I said that I couldn't be his crutch anymore, and that he needed to sort himself out for himself. I said I could be a friend, but that I couldn't be his girlfriend (probably shouldn't have picked up or said this... but it was spur of moment stuff).

Call then ended.

Tell me I'm being cruel to be kind. Currently feel like a prize bitch.

Be kind to yourself. You don't need his drama or pity party.
Stay firm, no meeting up, no stating friends (for now at least) .... you ripped the plaster off last night, don't reapply it.
It'll all feel better in a few days when work, school etc / life get back to normal x

mildlymiffed No! your not bering a bitch your in a survival mode from the look of it your doing the Right thing there, he's an acholic for a big start that they is like realtionship destroying.

If, and its a Big if, he made a firm commitment to go to AA or Al anon and give up the booze there might be a chance ofd the marridge surviving bit this has to come from him and he has to mean it and Do it!

Else join the queue at your local solictors on next monday moning to start divoirce proceddings its very much either or not, no two ways about it.

@Justaboy I don’t think they’re married.

Seriously, OP, you can’t be his go to and put up with him being pissed all the time. I couldn’t be with someone who’s more in love with booze than with me. It’s fucking horrific to have to guide a 47 year old bloke to the loo for fear he’ll piss the bed. Horrible, horrible.

@Justaboy no, not married. No, no, no, not even cohabiting...

@Cherrysoup - thank you. I need these little affirmations. You're right. He isn't my child. I have one of those (who can find his own way to the loo at night )

Cherrysoup Yes dosent look like they are which might make matters simpler but either way he's an achoolic and thats the big big issue here!.

In recent times I've know two "couples" split becase of the drink:(

In recent times I've know two "couples" split becase of the drink

And unemployment she can't put up with his "pissed" moods anymore and he won't get a job or rather he cannot hold down a job and surprise he's rarely in for work on time if ever becase f the drink last night.

Worst think ius he dosnt think he has a problem as he can old his pop with now problems.

Shame on him as shes a lovely lady really is and if I were a fair bit younger i'd be chasing after her myself! but the best thing is shes now seen the reallity of him and what he is!!!

Stand firm, OP. You dont need him in your life in any capacity. Think of yourself and your son and how much you both deserve a peaceful, sane life. You are not this man's mother or therapist and you owe him nothing

Aaaagh! OP, don’t fall for his sob stories! I let myself be trapped in a toxic relationship with a self-pitying man like this for years. It ruined my life and i took a long time to recover. He will never change because he always finds someone to support him. Please escape now.

"Tell me I'm being cruel to be kind. Currently feel like a prize bitch."
Actually I don't think you're being cruel in any shape or form, you are only being kind.

What would be cruel would be to keep propping him up, letting him convince himself that everything's OK and he can keep drinking, losing jobs,. and prolonging the agony for all concerned (you, his son, wider family etc.).

What is kind is putting a stop to facilitating his self-destruction, making it absolutely clear that his behaviour in drink is unacceptable, and giving him the headspace to address his problems himself.

And you also need to be kind to yourself. You have done the right thing, for everyone.

@WhereYouLeftIt your post made me well up a bit. Realise I've been a bit too nice... and effectively been enabling his behaviour by staying. Fingers crossed he can turn himself around, but for himself.

What @Thinkingabout1t said! In a couple of months he’ll find someone else to prop him up and guide him to the toilet. Sadly there are always ‘rescuers’ out there. I was one once. Don’t be that woman. Remember the well worn MN phrase, you want a partner not a project!

At least you are aware of your 'white knight' tendencies. You can't help anyone who doesn't want help and can't be bothered to help themselves. Take this as a step on the steep learning curve of life and look for men who've got themselves sorted, not men who need your help to get sorted.

You've got one DS. You don't need another huge child mooching about whining 'what shall I dooooooooo...' at you.

Onwards and upwards.

Well done and stay strong! You've done the right thing

I told him to go home (a train ride away). He said he'd just stay in my spare room.
Ugh. Don't you love it when your right to assert control over your own property is trampled on by an entitled male wanker who has trouble understanding that women have personal autonomy?

I said no. He did go eventually. I went to NYE party on my own.
Well done, & stay rid of him.

Currently feel like a prize bitch.

Fucksake Miffed - that's just the patriarchy, messing with your head.
The moment you stop enabling, facilitating, deferring to or toilet-directing some bloke, there it is: you are a BAD girl with UNWOMANLY feelings.

You will probably end up dying alone in stripey tights, crushed by a flying house for this. But that's gotta be better than cleaning up after & tiptoing around a drunk loser who can't even hold down a job, let alone a nice girlfriend.

btw - you don't need to offer to be his friend, either.
You are not responsible for him, his alcohol consumption, his shit attitude to work, or his happiness. You are just NOT. He's hardly been a friend to you, has he? You were more of a concerned nursemaid than an equal, respected partner.

Be prepared for more whinging texts & calls. But don't worry, they will soon escalate to random accusations & assaults on your character, so you should be able to let go without regrets.

Sorry you have been so let down by this man. Enjoy your run, & your son, & make room in your life for more nurturing, empowering relationships. You don't need this man dragging you down to his level of despondency & blame-laying.

@messolini9 in future, when the going gets tough I need my inner messolini to raise her head! All that you say resonates. The events have obviously been cumulative... so in isolation they haven't seemed so bad.

Stepping back now and looking at things in the round I am having a wtf was I thinking moment!

It's hard when you start to involve emotions.

But I hear what you're saying, and don't disagree. I'm certainly less worried about that house landing on my striped-tighted legs!

Aaaaw Miffed, cheers!

It is bound to leave you feeling a bit wounded, & it's entirely natural to grieve for the relationship that you almost had with a man who could be almost nice.

But life with an alkie is unbearable, & neither you nor your child need to get bent out of shape being the prop & whipping boy for somemone who is - essentially - refusing to grow up & looking for an accommodating woman to Do Life for him.

Look after yourself & Happy New Year x