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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need opinions please! Was I rude?

418 replies

savethatkitty01 · 01/01/2020 05:28

I vaguely mentioned to my friend DH & I were meeting up with some friends visiting from out of town and we might go and watch the NYE fireworks, if she was at a loose end. No specific details were given and tbh I only really mentioned it to be polite. My friend messaged me to ask what time we would be going to watch the fireworks & I again reiterated we were catching up with our out of town friends and I wasn't sure, but I'd get back to her. As it turns out, we did catch up with our friends, but did not attend the NYE fireworks.

This morning I received a snarky message from my friend, asking me if I'd enjoyed the fireworks and she'd spent the evening alone as she was waiting to hear from me.

I was a little taken aback and explained we hadn't attended the fireworks after all.

Was I in the wrong? I am totally prepared to accept if I was, I am looking for insight. When I mentioned the loose plans to my friend, I didn't realise she would pin her entire evening on it.

OP posts:
Shedidnt · 01/01/2020 10:03

I’m very interested in your bombastic responses given you mention losing friends earlier.

I'll just quote the song Caledonia to you.

"Now I have moved, and I've kept on moving,
Proved the points that I needed proving
And I've lost the friends that I needed losing
And I found others on the way"

LakieLady · 01/01/2020 10:03

Incredibly rude! You allowed your friend (who will now be your ex-friend, if she has any sense) to think that she would be joining you and your other friends for NYE and then left her hanging.

It was nasty and thoughtless and she was probably very hurt and upset. She might even have gone to the trouble of getting dressed up etc. She must have felt like a complete lemon and very unvalued.

On a bad day, something like that would have had me in tears and probably take me a good few days to get over. On a good day, it would have given me the rage and I'd be mentally wishing you all sorts of bad shit. I certainly wouldn't consider speaking to you for a long time and never without a fulsome apology, and would never trust you again.

3luckystars · 01/01/2020 10:06

Look she obviously had no other plans so she needed you a lot more than you needed her, so that's why she is so hurt today.
This happened me before and I felt like I hadn't a friend in the world. It wasnt true, I just meant nothing to this particular person.

It was a good lesson. Are you going to reply?

I hope it all works out.

Shedidnt · 01/01/2020 10:08

While we're all waiting with baited breath for the OP to come back, we can get a taster of what it was like for the friend last night, waiting to hear where to meet up.
Don't expect the OP back. She hasn't the rearing.

Equanimitas · 01/01/2020 10:09

What did you imagine your friend was doing whilst waiting for you to keep your promise to get back to her?

Shedidnt · 01/01/2020 10:09

OP probably has friends over from out of town so can't get back to us Sad

WaggleWiggle · 01/01/2020 10:11

You say that you told her you’d get back to her with a time as you weren’t sure. She waited for you to do that and you didn’t: instead, you went out with your friends without her and didn’t go to the fireworks. You clearly made it an invitation and she was keen to go - how was she to know you were only asking her ‘to be polite’? YABVU

Meshy12 · 01/01/2020 10:11

So so rude! You told her twice that you would let her know and left her hanging!

I would ditch you if I was her - shows you are quite inconsiderate

Shedidnt · 01/01/2020 10:12

I think the OP was only being polite when she stated 'Opinions needed please'.

NotTerfNorCis · 01/01/2020 10:13

Oh dear, that sounds like crossed wires. You'll need to apologise.

pictish · 01/01/2020 10:13

“ Don't bother inviting someone if you don't mean it - hopefully she's learned from this that you're not a friend - just a selfish, flakey acquaintance.”

I’d deduce the same to be frank. I’m not keen on everyone piling in to tell the OP she’s horrible, mean, knowingly rude. I don’t think the OP is necessarily any of those things...but this particular friend and arrangement clearly didn’t make a dink on her radar. Her friend will most likely cool things off after this, not because she was ditched on NYE specifically but owing to the realisation that OP is an acquaintance who isn’t arsed about her. She will now know the invitation was ‘polite’ and not genuine.
Having experienced similar in the past myself, as I’m sure plenty of others here have too, my reaction is to back off at the rate of knots and respond in kind.
‘Friendship’ such as it was, over.

ringme · 01/01/2020 10:14

Lol!! @Shedidnt. Your post made me laugh!!

beautifulstranger101 · 01/01/2020 10:16

I think the OP was only being polite when she stated 'Opinions needed please'

This made me cackle!

MAM2013 · 01/01/2020 10:17

I am glad I am not friends with you.

CtrlU · 01/01/2020 10:18

You never made plans with her so I’m not sure why you would be rude about changing your separate plans without notifying her 😕

Butchyrestingface · 01/01/2020 10:18

but I'd get back to her

And did you?

Cohle · 01/01/2020 10:20

OP specifically invited her friend "if she was at a loose end" and specifically said she would be in touch about further details "I'd get back to her".

How can you possibly say that OP didn't make plans with her?

HairyDogsOfThigh · 01/01/2020 10:20

I'm not so sure OP has been as terrible as you are all making her out to be.
Conversation as far as i can see went,
Op: i'm meeting friends, we might be going to see fireworks, if we do , you can come too.
Friend: what time are you going?
Op: still not sure if we're going, I'll get back to you if we go.
I think that the op was reasonably clear that her plans were loose and the invite was there, but only if they went. They didn't go, so no further communication was necessary.
I agree it might have been better to drop friend a quick message, but in the op's mind, there were no definite plans made, so she was not changing them, or letting anyone down.

The only thing you could say is that she didn't read between the lines and guess the friend was lonely and desperate to do something on NYE, but we don't know the friend and this might not be the case.

brassbrass · 01/01/2020 10:20

How can you have loose plans on NYE? This isn't catching up over coffee. You invited her to fireworks then flaked.

bluesteakandcheese · 01/01/2020 10:20

@savethatkitty01 yeahhhhh OP that was a dick move. YABU.

TildaTurnip · 01/01/2020 10:21

Hoping this is a reverse and the OP has sent a link to the crap friend to this thread.

beautifulstranger101 · 01/01/2020 10:23

if we go

She didnt say that though- you added that part
We could also add comments to this hypothetical conversation that make it sound the complete opposite.

Cohle · 01/01/2020 10:23

"still not sure if we're going, I'll get back to you if we go."

That's not what the OP said though. She said "I again reiterated we were catching up with our out of town friends and I wasn't sure, but I'd get back to her"

That's a "I'll get back to you" without caveat, not a "I'll get back to you, but only if we decide to you. The friend was perfectly right to be expecting OP to get in touch with her either way.

HairyDogsOfThigh · 01/01/2020 10:25

I read the 'i wasn't sure' as not sure if we're going, rather than not sure of times. 🤷🏻‍♀️

kaldefotter · 01/01/2020 10:26

Read back your own message, OP.

This wasn’t a vague “we should totally do coffee sometime!” non-plan.

You invited her, if she was at a loose end. She was, she followed up. You then said you’d get back to her. You didn’t.

I’d be pretty mortified in your shoes.