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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need opinions please! Was I rude?

418 replies

savethatkitty01 · 01/01/2020 05:28

I vaguely mentioned to my friend DH & I were meeting up with some friends visiting from out of town and we might go and watch the NYE fireworks, if she was at a loose end. No specific details were given and tbh I only really mentioned it to be polite. My friend messaged me to ask what time we would be going to watch the fireworks & I again reiterated we were catching up with our out of town friends and I wasn't sure, but I'd get back to her. As it turns out, we did catch up with our friends, but did not attend the NYE fireworks.

This morning I received a snarky message from my friend, asking me if I'd enjoyed the fireworks and she'd spent the evening alone as she was waiting to hear from me.

I was a little taken aback and explained we hadn't attended the fireworks after all.

Was I in the wrong? I am totally prepared to accept if I was, I am looking for insight. When I mentioned the loose plans to my friend, I didn't realise she would pin her entire evening on it.

OP posts:
Timmythatyou · 01/01/2020 11:23

That was thoughtless, and if you want to keep this friend then I’d get apologising ASAP.

motherheroic · 01/01/2020 11:29

@LazyDaisey Show me where I implied she was 'a lovely kind friend being abandoned'. Quickly.

Daisydoola · 01/01/2020 11:30

Oh god, I don't blame her at all.

You invited her along and then ignored it.

motherheroic · 01/01/2020 11:31

I based my answer only by the details that OP left us. That's it. I didn't make up some back story for the friend.

Lizzie0869 · 01/01/2020 11:32

But surely if you don't want her there you wouldn't mention the possibility of her meeting up with you, surely? The worst part was saying that she'd get back to her friend and then not doing so.

If I didn't want to invite a friend, I would just say, 'We're meeting up with good friends from out of town,' and wouldn't suggest meeting up at all.

WombatChocolate · 01/01/2020 11:32

You were rude because you were thoughtless and very unaware of your friend looking forward to joking you on NYE - your lack of awareness that the conversations you had and your failure to get back to her would provoke the response she made, suggests you are either very selfish or pretty clueless. Needing to ask on MN sounds either goady, attention seeking or clueless.

In these kind of situations,mid you genuinely can't see what you have done wrong but someone else is upset, the best response is usually to apologise profusely. Apologies don't have to be reserved for times you can clearly see you were categorically in the wrong.....especially if you gave trouble judging social situations. So, big apology, acknowledgement that you misjudged the situation and that was your error, followed by possibly some flowers wouldn't go amiss.....that is, if you're genuinely sorry, rather than someone who doesn't actually care about a friend waiting in for a call. Some people genuinely are very selfish and would knowingly do what you did as some kind of power trip.....perhaps you are one of them and now just trying to find justification for your actions??

Isadora2007 · 01/01/2020 11:33

Quite clearly we all assumed the same as your friend. Think you owe her an apology.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 01/01/2020 11:34

Yes incredibly rude and hurtful especially for saying you would come back to her and then not.

ScreamingLadySutch · 01/01/2020 11:35

You were rude.

You did invite her.

You set up an expectation you never intended to deliver on. That is manipulation and impression management (look at what a nice person I am!)

You ignored her attempt at clarity and basically, lied. (Ignoring to hope she goes away, is a lie)

For your new years resolution I hope you work on being more authentic, having better integrity, better clarity and better boundaries.

Awrite · 01/01/2020 11:35

Yes, rude. I agree with pp, you didn't think of her. Which is worse than rude.

Shesellsseashellsontheseashore · 01/01/2020 11:37

You said you would get back to her. She was expecting a message. It would have only taken a second to send a quick message and say sorry we aren't going to the fireworks now.
So yeah you were in the wrong.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 01/01/2020 11:38

Did the OP say she was getting back to us? Wink

lisag1969 · 01/01/2020 11:41

Maybe just apologise and say. I'm sorry I didn't get back to you. We didn't go to the fireworks, that's why I didn't contact you. In hindsight I should have just messaged you and said we would not be going.
I am very sorry because we didn't have any firm plans, I didn't realise you didn't have an other plans.
I can only apologise and say it wasn't intentional. X

Shedidnt · 01/01/2020 11:41

As I've said, I had hanger on friends, though I never viewed them that way. It's only with hindsight that I can see that they were using me as a means to get an invite to certain events. One met her husband at one such event (he was a friend from work).

When it came to me wanting to meet up with much notice, did she give a fuck? Not a fuck was given about me.

I could have easily not invited my friends along, but I'm not a cunt. She's no longer a friend. And I do think I'm a big loss as a friend as I'm a loyal person quite apart from my stunning aura and rapier wit. It genuinely is her loss. No man is an island and she'll learn that someday soon when her fairweather friends dissipate into a fog..

I8toys · 01/01/2020 11:44

Yes rude. You need to apologise.

edgewater · 01/01/2020 11:49

She’s not heard what she wants to. The OP isn’t coming back.

TigerOnATrain · 01/01/2020 11:49

@savethatkitty01

OMG yeah you were rude!

Some friend you are. Hmm

At least the poor woman knows now that she can't depend on you though, and can seek out better friends.

Yeahnah2020 · 01/01/2020 11:50

Very rude. I’m shocked you even have to ask

AlfredoTheFrog · 01/01/2020 11:53

I think there's a scenario where you behaved reasonably.. if she said 'I only want to come if you're going to the fireworks' and then you said 'ok if we're going to the fireworks I'll let you know' and she said 'ok if I don't hear from you by 7 I'll do something else'.

Seems unlikely though - so even if you didn't want her to come along to whatever non-fireworks thing you were doing, you probably should have thought to let her know so she wasn't wasting her evening waiting to hear from you.

Mummymummums · 01/01/2020 11:53

Very rude and hurtful. It may well have been really tough for your friend to think she was going out, feel excited, then be left hanging and likely feeling rotten. She might have had a rubbish year and NY can be a hard time to be alone for some. For those saying she should have done something else - who's to say she had options?
Whilst she's not your responsibility, there's common decency, so having told her you'd get back to her you absolutely should have. Really shitty not to.

SarahNade · 01/01/2020 12:01

The problem was that you didn't get back to her. She obviously thought you would. I understand what it's like to be put on the spot, but it sounds like she was hanging about until you called/messaged her, and she expected that she'd be doing something with you. I think you were rude but without meaning to be. You both had your wires crossed and had different expectations than the other.

pictish · 01/01/2020 12:10

I think plans changed as you were having a good time with your friends and you didn’t want an interloper. You didn’t want to have the ‘not going to the fireworks’ conversation with her because you both know it really meant ‘you’re surplus’, which is awkward. You dashed your obligation to her away by making it about the fireworks.
I’m sure she’s not ‘snarky’ about missing out on some fireworks though.

In future, don’t extend polite invites ok? It’s self-serving and patronising, causes stress for you and in this case, hurt feelings for your mate.

Not to be dramatic but polite invites are simply pulling the wool. They are about appearing nice in the moment by offering a dishonest gift. Your mate will likely be feeling a proper numpty today. She wasn’t really wanted on NYE. Stings a bit.

If you value her, own it and make it up to her. If, as I suspect, you’re not fussed about her, let her draw her own correct conclusions from this and leave her alone.

LovePoppy · 01/01/2020 12:20

You should apologise for your poor communication.

You’ve really hurt your friend.

Does who was “right” really matter?

ginyogarepeat · 01/01/2020 12:49

Rude and unkind. Absolutely dreadful that you had to check with strangers online as well! Your poor 'friend'- she was truly justified in sending an angry message.

Shedidnt · 01/01/2020 13:24

Your friend was very dignified in not wishing you a cunt of a new year at midnight - she clearly has more restraint than moi. I'd have put the curse of the fleas of 100 camels on you.